March 1st...Wow...There's something special about March 1st tht brings to mind all of the March 1st of the past. Guess it's the promise of Spring just around the corner...Ya know, last nite really was terrific. And the effect lasted, too. (For one thing, my hand is still sore from learning how to use chopsticks.) Seriously, Peter was all smiles today and Sue Stember called me up just to talk. I love it...Didn't go to Greystone today because of the car shortage. Brian took my place, and I painted arrows and "Project Haven" signs. It was a good day in the Shop although I had to miss group, and I almost didn't mind the resumption of those strange Rehab relationships. Boy could I use a job on my own...I wonder how Monty will handle Legislators Day tomorrow. Come to think of it, I wonder how I'll handle it?
March 2nd
Just finished a game of backgammon with Don; thanks to some of his suggested moves I won! I really must learn some more about it so I can play with more confidence...The legislators came today and scuttlebutt has it that we came off looking pretty good. Other than Monty's last minute cop-out with the PB people (Jesus I could slug him sometimes), the overall program was carried out smoothly. The lunch at Charlie Brown's with the 13 of us singing "Found a Peanut" was fun, too, although a bit weird...Phyllis is back, and I'm glad to say that I was relieved. It was nice to have her take over some of the responsibility and worry...The weather's turned colder (darn it). Hope it gets nice again soon so's I can ride the new bike we get after the sale of Don's old one.
Looking back, I can really understand the off-hours craziness of the Project Haven crowd. The parties, smoking, carrying on were all part of dealing with the (literal) insanity and pressures we were confronted with every day.
March 3rd
A generally uneventful day (for a change)...Monty showed up, and having quit his job was his old obnoxious self...We started operation of the machine this afternoon and even Bionic Bruce had trouble keeping up with it. I hope the novelty doesn't wear off too soon...Tomorrow's staff meeting should be interesting. Vince, Phyllis and I are prepared to sock it to Al concerning his lack of leadership. We need to get a tighter rein around Voc. Rehab as a unit, especially as its rate of growth begins to spiral. I don't think that it's healthy to operate only on a crisis system...Sharon's back, hyper but in good shape...Went out to lunch with Barbara and Tom...Peter called around dinnertime and dropped over about 10. I'd really like to see him and Don get together to do some hiking.
March 4th
Boy, I really feel energetic this evening, not irritable or anything. I wonder why?...A positive happening today -- Dr. Esser is setting me up with Dorothy Burdick to write my organizational counseling service into the Center's grant proposal! If all goes well, I could be funded and operating by next September...Brian won't be in tomorrow and I have to run that crazy machine by myself. As Alyce would say,"jeesh"...I really do love sleeping. If it didn't waste so much time it would be one of my favorite hobbies...(Boy is this ever sounding like stream-of-consciousness)... Have a luncheon meeting with Al et al tomorrow as the first step in our mini treatment reviews. Feels good to have a positive direction again...Rocco seemed to be more of his old self today. Glad to see it.
March 5th
What a nice evening. Breezy, comfortable, relaxed. Had dinner at the Pancake house (cheese blintzes followed by crepes suzettes) and then did some shopping at Garden State Plaza. Searched for some tapes for Jeff, but couldn't find decent ones at a reasonable price. He'll do better in Balto. or Durham...I'm looking forward to his coming up tomorrow. We'll probably go to Paramus Park, have dinner out, maybe get high. Taking him to work Monday will be good, too...Hope Al doesn't box me in with the newly planned testing/evaluation function. He keeps talking about the inadvisability of giving tests to one's own counselees and I wouldn't want to get caught up in that separatist role...Am very enthusiastic now about achieving professional distinction and having a baby. Wonder which will come first?
Ah, to be in your 20's and have it all ahead of you... ;-)
March 6th
Our delightful evening with Jeff was dampened somewhat when the Tar Heels blew the ACC championship game against Virginia. It was tremendously exciting to see Phil Ford and the rest of the gang again after a year, but we just didn't seem to be playing up to par. Oh well, at least it won't affect our standing in terms of the nationwide playoffs...Jeff arrived at noon today, lookin' good. We had lunch at Tom Sawyer's, then Don went back to study while Jeff and I drove on over to Paramus Park. The place was unbelievably packed so we didn't stay too long. I took a nap, Jeff and Don played Monopoly and then we went to dinner at Emersons. Had a declicious Pin Colada and that, with a giant mug of grog, enabled us to mostly ignore the screaming baby at the next table. A good time was had by all.
March 7th
You know that feeling that I've described this past week, the one related to feeling relaxed, comfortable and non-hassled? Well, it's still with me and feeling delicious. I'm not sure where it's coming from or how long it'll be here, but it's a marvelous change from the bouts of irritability and exhaustion that I've had for so long. This kind of complacency may be related to the way our future is currently laid out, and the promises on the horizon. I dunno, but as I said, it's nice...Jeff's birthday today and I think he had a good one. Don went to study at Stevens, and we mostly shmied around, playing Scrabble, ping pong, etc., but it felt good just to be with each other. This evening, Jeff and Don worked on assembling the train table and I studied my natal chart which is becoming clearer.
March 8th
Today was a bit of a downer from yesterday. Firstly, it looks like this grant application thing may not work out. Unbeknownst to me, it is a C&E grant for other agencies, meaning that I would have to already have a fully developed program here in order to offer my services elsewhere. Barry Protter's supposed to contact me again tomorrow...Jeff came to work this morning and handled himself very well. We had lunch with Peter and I was really sorry to see him leave afterwards...Work itself was a real physical grind. Brian had changed the Shop around so that only the machine is in use, which means a lot more scurrying around and hauling boxes. Actually, the lifting felt good (up to a point) but I was still mad at having to miss my group again while Brian made a delivery.
March 9th
Hmnnn, I've just been reading about the sex lives of Eskimos. Very interesting...Believe it or not, there's over 2" of snow on the ground and it's still coming down. Nothing like a spring blizzard. Strange, though, how commonplace snowstorms have become...Brian sent me to Moonachie this morning to pick up some paper tape. I really do hate driving on 17, but the experience is good for me...Phyllis and I will be going to Greystone together on Monday. I'm looking forward to finally getting up there...Not much else I feel like saying tonite for some reason. Maybe it's 'cause I'm just plain tired. Sure would be nice if they closed down the Center tomorrow (and Hackensack Water shut down) but no such luck. So with the NJA buses on strike, and Ford and Carter having won the Florida primary, I'll bid you adieu.
March 10th
God what an awful day. When I woke up depressed I should have known that it was going to be a corker, but I wasn't really ready for all the shit that came pouring down. To be truthful though, it wasn't a total loss; I had a very good session with Cathie Skelley in the afternoon. but beyond that...There were procedural Shop problems all morning, which I could handle, though annoying. But when I discovered that Al had skipped out on our supervision session again and that Brian was making another delivery tomorrow, I got mad and felt used. When I tried to discuss it with Brian he got pissed off and ended up having Al arbitrate. Time-wise, the kinks are being worked out, but I'm still unhappy with the whole set-up. Maybe I should see a therapist; I dunno. We'll see what happens.
March 11th
Well, today certainly turned out better than yesterday. Most notably, Barry Protter called back and by 3:00 he had in his hands my draft proposal for the C&E grant. I had (re)written it according to his specifications (i.e., explaining it in terms of a mental health function) and apparently he was satisfied enough to take the rough draft then and there. It will take the form of an addendum to the grant itself and I should know the results this summer...Brian made another delivery today and although the Shop as a whole went OK, Bruce and Gil gave me a hard time. Ours is not an easy job, believe me...Barbara Berg's a good person. Wish she were more responsible...Looks like Don can't get a go-ahead for New Orleans. With all the other things coming down the pipe, it's probably just as well. Leo ran into me with the hand-truck; OW!
March 12th
Another weekend and we're wrecked again. Went to Joyce's party and smoked something called tie weed. Incredible stuff, let me tell you. It was a pretty good party despite the fact that Jack and Peter weren't there, and that everyone seemed a bit young (they ARE young!). Spent some time talking to Tom again. He and Andrea went into, and came out of that closet bedroom together and from Tom's heavy breathing it was easy to see that they'd been up to something very sexy...I've got a problem now handling Brian's requests for me to do things. They're not as polite as they once were, and it's an effort for me not to make a face when there are many of them in one day. When he asks me, I somehow feel used. What a shit he can be...I handled a crisis with Jim Meshirer well today.
March 13th
I have a slight sore throat and I feel sort of achey. Sure hope I'm not coming down with anything. Getting sick at this stage of the game (in relation to Don's exams) could be potential disaster. Up to now, rest and relaxation have seemed to nip other warning signs in the bud, so I'm going to sleep early...Alyce called to see if we were coming over. I appreciate the invitation, but I'd rather her fix our kitchen drawers and the washing machine pump...I invited Sue Stember et al over tomorrow evening to watch "The Wizard of Oz". She asked if she could bring her friend Vinnie and some joints. I guess it's OK; wish I didn't worry about the condition of the place so...Can't wait 'til April 10th is over. Don and I are making an effort to keep it cool, but it's tuff. I love him...
March 14th
Nice evening. Barbara, Sue and Jack came over to watch "The Wizard" and stayed through some ping pong, backgammon and "High Plains Drifter". They're nice company, although I can sometimes do without Jack's caustic comments and running TV commentary. He told me that he had dreamt that we were kissing passionately in the Haven parking lot. Veddy interesting. Barb may come over sometime and tune bikes with Don...I dunno why, but Don and I seem to be doing quite well together these days. Maybe we're treading extra carefully because of his exams, but I sure hope this mood holds out...Greystone tomorrow, finally. I'm a bit apprehensive but looking forward to it.
March 15th
Went to Greystone today and I really enjoyed it. There was a whole crowd of us going up this morning as Paramus II is slated to open soon and Hal, David and David need to get to know the new residents. Also along was a middle-aged student from Jersey City State and a new Social Service aide who flaunted his "almost a Ph.D." status a bit too much. Gail drove Gary and I and we went through the front gate so's I could get an idea of the layout of the place. We picked up about 6 patients from the locked wards to take to Unit A, and the contrast between the 2 buildings is unbelievable. Overall, I was less disturbed by the conditions than I thought I would be, altho there's very little cheerful about a century-old mental institution. Good day, then, except for the news when I got back that Jim is back in the Pines.
You know, re-reading all of this, I'm very proud of myself for the job I did with Project Haven. All of it was new, demanding and even scary at times, but I embraced it. Thank God that mental institution warehousing is a thing of the past now.
March 16th
It's 8:30PM and I'm in bed now. I felt a little nauseous and dizzy when I got home so I decided to take my famous rest cure. 'Twould be nice if I could take tomorrow off too, but I just don't have enough time built up...Today was a pretty nice day if I do say so myself. I'm really concentrating on reacting well to Brian in the hopes of prolonging our ability to tolerate one another. It involves a lot of teeth-gritting now that he's got me keeping up Jim's books...Had a good discussion with Al and Phyllis today about kids. With all the pros and cons, they're still advocates of having them while you're young...Miserable weather today. Had to drive Diane to the bus-stop in cold, driving rain...(Should I talk to to Jack or not bother?)
March 17th (St. Patrick's Day)
What a day of extremes -- up, down, up, down. Party was an up, Brian's remark about the bookkeeping was a down, visit from Barbara and Sue was an up, discussion with Don about Brian was a down. Right now I just feel mixed up and tired. Analyzing everything gets to be a real drag, but I want to keep my job and I have to work with Brian. I talked to Al this morning about our personality conflict and he seems to think this is healthy as long as a communications breakdown doesn't affect the functioning of the program. Fuck Al sometimes. I could really do without his Gestalt concepts. Fuck Don too and his goddamn exhaustion. I can't let my frustration out at work and I can't let it out at home. No wonder I'm getting dizzy and nauseous. Who wouldn't?
March 18th
God am I emotionally played out. The day was exhausting enough, in and of itself, and then I managed a set-up where I got both Brian AND Don to put me down. Reduced to tears in the basement, I felt about as worthless, depressed and sorry for myself as I've felt in a long time. Don did come through, though, and treated me to a hot bath and lots of hugging, but the reality of things hasn't really changed and that's what I have to work with. Somehow I have to manage this communication problem of mine and lift myself up to a more respectable level. Once again: Fuck That Son-of-a-Bitch Brian and the horse he came in on. Crisis at the Center today -- Russ tried to pitch Joe Phillips through a window at the residence. Cute...Gil should shove it up HIS ass...Arent' I sweet?
March 19th
Wish I could drink a nice, cold, delicious glass of chocolate milk before bedtime without getting a stomach ache. Drat...Relatively quiet day for a change. Had a good talk with Vince about Gestalt approaches to problem-solving. I could really use some therapy in relation to my communication problem and "over-reactiveness". I'm also feeling those old intellectual stirrings again...temperatures shot up into the high 60's this afternoon. I almost wish the good weather would hold off until after Don's exams...I'm a little nervous about my appointment at Elizabeth Arden next week. You know, concern about how dumpy I feel, and what they'll do to me in the course of the day. It should provide an overall spiritual lift though...Chinese dinner over the girls' house again on Sunday.
March 20th
Temps. in the 70's today -- just lovely! Went to Sam Goody's to take advantage of their record sale. Although most of the albums that I wanted were out of stock, I came away with a few goodies, including "Who Put the Bomp"! Remember that one?...Saw a John Wayne film on TV this evening -- "Chisum". Love those westerns. I still have my fantasy of spending some time on a working ranch...After 12 hours, the jury reached a verdict in the Patty Hearst case -- guilty. They're now calling it the trial of the century. It certainly has been more interesting than the coverage of the primaries. This was another quiet Saturday in general -- took the dog for a walk in the park, wrote a letter to the Greenbergs, partook of some ice cream sandwiches Don brought home...you need days like these...
March 21st
Nice evening...had what seems to be our monthly Chinese dinner over the girls' house. I swore off a third helping of ice cream this time though, and I think that the 4 courses we did have will treat me well. Enjoyed the games and singing afterwards, too...there were some really neat thunderstorms this afternoon. Actually, the lightning and thunder weren't much, but the rain and wind parts were mighty impressive. The sudden darkness, wind whipping about and animals dashing everywhere reminded me of Forest Garbage...Basically just cleaned today. Don studied at home because of the early dinner time, but didn't get any biking in on account of the weird weather. He and Barb are talking seriously about a long bike trip.
March 22nd
In bed early tonight. don't know why I should be so drowsy since it was a rather pleasant day...I mostly worked on the books through lunch-time, then went for my farewell session with the group. They surprised me somewhat by expressing negative feelings about my leaving, which only served to kick up my own anger at the principle of the thing. So, on their advice, I summoned up my courage and talked to Al again. As always, his mind and heart are in the Shop, but with the arrival of the new staff member on Monday (what? yes!), he said my time should be a little more free. As much as I'm looking forward to help, I hope the new guy doesn't gum up the role problems even more...Seems like I have a new Monty on my hands -- Gil. What a pip...Those Day Care meetings drive me crazy. The constant sexual cracks make them sound like infants.
March 23rd
FUCK EVERYBODY. That's just the way I feel right now. Alone, frustrated and angry. Through shopping at Bambergers and a quiet evening at home, I had dissipated some of my feelings from work. But Don comes home and WHAM - screws it all up with his exhaustion and aversion to the whole thing. Real fair. I spoon feed him and his tantrums for 4 years and when the shoe's on the other foot I get ignored. So he feels "sorry" for me. Who the hell needs his sympathy? I need a real, true friend who can offer support. I mean, look at the reality of the situation: I'm being used at work, but I can't afford to leave. What does someone DO in that situation? God knows I'm trying. So fuck 'em all. I'll make it through all of this without depending on anyone.
March 24th
Just what I feel like doing now -- more writing. I just finished a 4-page letter to Brian; what a liberating experience! Whatever the outcome, at least he knows where I'm at...The idea for a letter grew largely out of a long talk I had with Vince. It developed from a discussion we were having about Forer correlations between patients and staff, and ranged from the practical to the existential, and the mind-stretching felt very good. Most importantly, I learned that there are other people just like me! Other people who also have love/hate relationships with Al, and doubts about their role function...And then to top it off -- Peter, who popped over for dinner. Don and I enjoyed him and each other and he was a marvelous listener to my "Center Blues". Sounds like a good friend in the making.
And Peter WAS a good friend for a number of years before his own neuroses pushed him off the deep end.
March 25th
Well, tomorrow's the day, gang. Boy am I nervous, which is ironic considering I'm going there to be pampered. It sure will feel good, though, not having to go into work. Today was a real pip, and I finally found my justification for going to speak to Al: I'm doing the job of a Shop foreman, but I'm not being paid a foreman's salary! In addition, whatever happened to my "evaluator" position? if that new guy doesn't relieve me of some of this physical labor, Al is gonna have some real explaining to do (Think he'll fire me?)...I also would like to talk to Esser about the possibility of starting some O.C. work now. I sure could get into that...Patient news: Wayne and Larry are going downhill but Rocco is better. I'm on call this week -- glad there's not a full moon.
I really was a little trouble-maker at work and looking back, I'm surprised that they didn't fire me. I must've driven Brian and Al nuts. I truly didn't understand how the world of work operated and just kept trying to figure out how to make it all make more sense.
March 26th
I'm so sore I can hardly move, but wow, what a day. I could have done without the feelings of nervousness and of being out-of-place though, because then I could have enjoyed even more fully all the marvelous things that they did to/for me. I especially enjoyed the massage and facial treatment; I could really get into having that done on a regular basis. The steam cabinet, manicure and pedicure were also neat. I wish that the package had included more in the way of make-up instruction, but otherwise it was pretty comprehensive. And I think that the guy who cut my hair was especially good...Don was marvelous, chauffeuring me about town and taking me out to dinner at Talk of the Town. Even had marvelous weather.
Interesting observations, but that's not how I remember it all these years later. I mainly recall being very uncomfortable and as a result, have never had any of those services again. I was not then, and have never been, a "spa person". I'm glad that I did it that one time, but it just wasn't for me.
March 27th
"Hollywood, da da da da da da da, Hollywood..." Just finished watching Rona Barrett's "Look at the Oscars". I just adore that sort of thing (and Jack Nicholson is fascinating). Wish I had the nerve to go see "Jaws". Bet that one wins all the technical awards...Got a surprise call from Jack this evening. I say "surprise" because I somehow felt that he was avoiding me lately. Happily I'm wrong. Peter called also, and once again it seems that I'm attracting primarily male friends. I wonder why that's the case? Peter did say though that Barb likes me alot. Those kinds of things are real uppers. We're going over Pete's tomorrow nite for Chinese duck...Two more weeks and then full steam ahead for: bike, organ, trains, photography, puppies, picnic, baby, vacation, etc. WHEE!
March 28th
And another Sunday finds us eating Chinese food (used to be Mexican!) This week we were over Peter's for a scrumtileicious Chinese duck. Barb was over too and we spent a very relaxing evening. Love those Orange Blossoms Peter whipped up...We've been trying to teach Kerri to play dead and she's doing quite well ("Would you rather be a Republican or would you rather be dead?") Only thing that worries me though is her recent attachment to the red toy with the bells. She's begun sleeping with it. Strange...Hopefully this will be the last Sunday I have to clean the house alone. Don was in a fairly good mood today (despite the tax returns, etc.) and we enjoyed being together...Tomorrow the new guy, Al, starts. Should be veddy interesting.
March 29th
It's 12:30 and I just finished watching the Academy Awards. As I had predicted, of course, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" swept the Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Screenplay and Best Picture awards. The show as a whole wasn't bad, but they didn't show enough people in the audience to suit my taste. Now, more than ever, it seems, my ultimate fantasy is to be part of that crew...Back here in reality, that SOB Brian wouldn't read the letter. A conversation with Sue F. kept me from killing him and getting fired in the process, but obviously the way to move is away from him. Barb encouraged me to present my Shop gripes to Al on Wednesday...Found out what's with Kerri -- she's "mothering" that toy as if it were a pup! Bunny says that Missy did the same thing with her toy pig. Weird.
March 30th
Well, today was the day -- the day I got unofficially released from Voc. Rehab. It began with another argument with Brian, the nastiest thus far. Alone in the Shop all day, I worked up enough nerve (between trips to the bathroom) to confront Al when he returned from New Brunswick. It was almost anti-climactic when he affirmed the "badness of fit" between me and this job. Apparently he had been giving it thought too, for he has arranged with Gary to take me on up to Unit A. It came as kind of a shock and although the impact was mostly positive, I still feel kind of rejected. Al, in his logical way, tried to reassure me and I think it's gonna be OK...Went shopping for a dress this evening. No luck, but Don's company was nice.
March 31st
Quickies -- Great evening with Don. Felt like 'specially close buddies...Interesting how Al won't deal with my leaving. Typical, actually...Don got tickets for us, Peter and Barb to see "Monty Python" in NYC in April...Found Brian's Achilles Heel -- he can't tolerate being insulted through name-calling. I told him not to be a fool yesterday and it is still sticking in his craw...(God I'll be glad to not be mentioning his name in here anymore.)...Jeff called this evening and said that Mom told him I "quit my job and went to Greystone." Once again, how typical...I'm going to have to work on developing a thicker skin with regards to Pete and Jack's "right-on" comments. Whatever happened to tact?...Have an appt. with Esser for Mon. Keep your fingers crossed for my future...Had car washed by Day Treatment patients yesterday. Looks pretty good.
I can't even recognize myself in this entry. I called Brian a "fool"? When was I ever that nervy?
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