I'm really tired, and a bit too warm in this nightgown. It's been an interesting evening, albeit a bit strange. What started out as a small dinner at the Pimlico ended up as a catered buffet for 11 over here. Don't ask me how that happened but it turned out alright. Helene spent a good deal of the evening reviewing her "resume" with different people; Dad finally got her to leave out some of her quotes and poems, and to be more brief in general. I give her a lot of credit for getting this far, but I still can' see her as an airline stewardess...Jeff came home from Duke this afternoon...Looks real good...Don spent the day at Hopkins (w/Abel Wolman, among others!) Too bad the rain had to spoil the Fair and lacrosse game...talked to Amy Sussman Scherr. She's in law school now and sounded kind of down.
May 2nd
Back home again, and as the folks used to say, I'm ready to start a new regime. Going to Balto. always make me extra aware of my body and my surroundings and I think I've gotten to the point now where I'm ready to work on both. Of course I'm also ready for a summer-long vacation, but I don't think I'm likely to have too much success in that department...Unfortunately we didn't sell the bike today, but other than that disappointment, the morning was pretty nice. Jeff and I went over Nana's and Papa's and found them both to be surprisingly chipper. I sure hope they both stay well enough to enjoy our baby. Afterwards, we drove through ol' Forest Garbage, Lochearn and Campfield. I felt close to Jeff...After a McDonald's dinner, we took Kerri for a walk in the park and she almost went swimming after some ducks. Boy were her feet muddy.
May 3rd
Hullo. Don's pissed off at me right now because he thinks he has a disproportionate amount of the onerous workload around here. I sympathize with him, but we both have our disproportionate share in different areas and it's not worth hassling about right now. So there...Had shish kabobs for dinner. Enjoyed using the grill...40 patients are being moved from Curry to Unit A tomorrow. Yuck...Started my diet and beauty routine. Wish me willpower?
May 4th
Went to the new gynecologist today and boy do I feel creepy. As if all the newness wasn't bad enough, I got diagnosed as having "cervial erosion". Double yuck. Apparently it isn't serious, but I have to walk around until my next period with a tampon covered with some sort of antiseptic cream. She also gave me a prescription for a basal thermometer to use 2 cycles from now, which will pinpoint ovulation in case we're ready to take the plunge (so to speak). I have to go back in a month or so to see if the medicine is working...A guy came out to look at the bike tonight but he hasn't called back, so it's probably a no go. I would assume that it must be that time of the month again, but John Culleeny is sexy as all get-out. He switched roles with Jody today and it was a scream...The jinx strikes again -- Joan's car had oil trouble and we had to go back and get mine.
May 5th
It's Tantrum Time again and right now Don's throwing a beauty in the study. Sometimes it's hard to believe how he can be so loving, affectionate and sexy one minute and such a childish bastard the next. [It's called borderline/narcissism.] What a wonderful father-figure he makes in such a condition...I don't feel so hot myself but at least I'm not tearing up the place. I feel like have cream coming out of my ears. So glucky and depressing...Today was good on the Unit. We cut out more pictures for the scrapbooks and ended up hysterically pasting men's heads on women's bodies...Gail came over later for coffee...
P.S. We sold the bike!
May 6th
What a day of extremes. The day started off dreadfully, with Don forgetting to set the alarm, me spritzing cream all over the bathroom and knocking over the pencil holder. I had to skip my shower and breakfast but somehow ended up looking and feeling OK. Back at the Center, Treatment Review went pretty well, and Vince, Pete, Jack and I met afterwards to iron out details. I had to kill some time between then and 4:00, and lo and behold I ended up talking to Al Renna for a good while. I really can appreciate him now. At 4, Pete and I met with the O'Connells to discuss my system with them. The session went extremely well, I thought, and I really like Peter's style in a situation like that. Reminds me of Bill O'Donnell [my co-marriage counselor in Chapel Hill]. At home again, though, I came down off that "professional high". I think that getting the house in shape will help there.
May 7th
What a neat night. First time in ages I've gotten totally wrecked. Peter and John came over for a special dinner created by Don the Chef which was incredibly delicious -- chicken parmiagan, spaghetti, salad. Pete bet me that I couldn't finish off 3/4 of a bottle of wine. Well I did, and that combined with a few hits around the coffee table made for a marvelous high. John talked us into going to Elliott's party. I hadn't been planning on it but I was definitely up for a party and we went. Don left early, with Pete, but I stayed until almost 3. Got some much enjoyed attention from Tom, John and Jack, but Jack was so out of it that he made a real play for me on our way back with John and MaryAnn. Wonder how he'll feel about that on Monday?
May 8th
Well, it's late and I'm bushed. Rod and Sue have arrived and we spent this evening at Nanina's in the Park [where I discovered fettuccini alfredo!]. We had scheduled dinner for 8:30, but since our party of 7 dwindled down to 4, we had to wait until amost 10:30 to get a table. Next time we had better remember to change our reservation...We slept until 10 this morning after the merry-making of last night, and spent the rest of the day straightening and cleaning. (My God, I can see the study again!)...I think I figured out what it is about Rod that bugs me. It seems like all we ever talk about are the things that he's interested in and knows quite a bit about. Anything unknown or that he doesn't like is simply passed over, like counseling, astrology, etc., so we end up discussing only the things in which he is "expert". Oh well,, I guess that's not too bad in and of itself.
May 9th
What a nice weekend this has been! Seems like it broke the mold; what with the added daylight, the winter evenings of TV in the living room have begun to seem like a thing of the past anyhow, but somehow today seemed to mark the REAL transition into spring and summer. Don, Kerri and I had a lovely picnic supper in the park and then walked up the bike path to the duck pond. I still can't get over how close we are to the woods and water. It was a pleasant ending to an easy-going day of cards, a Humphrey Bogart movie, a bike ride for Don and some shopping for plants and food...I just now finished watching Rona Barrett interviewing Cher, Raquel, Liza and Ann-Margaret, and found it to be interesting and well-done...I'm still thinking about Friday night and the boys. Sure does wonders for your ego.
May 10th
I wish that writing this tonight would purge me of some of the feelings that keep tearing at my insides. I got a call from Jane Clark this morning who, sobbing uncontrollably, told me that Jim Meshirer had run out onto Route 17 Saturday night and had been hit and killed by a car. I ran from the building to the park by Abell and sat sobbing, myself, for almost half an hour. I cried for Jim, my memories of him, the Workshop crew, and also for the patients at Greystone and elsewhere. It was almost like, for the first time, I experienced the real pain and torment amongst which we work and joke everyday, and I realized how ineffective we'd be if we had to be in touch with it all every day. I also wonder if we are always doing the right thing in taking someone out of the hospital...Don went to Trenton today for the hearings and really enjoyed himself. He got the letter from Lauria (his advisor) saying that he had passed all of his exams except for economics. He'll take that again in the fall.
Jim's death was truly traumatic for me. It was when I first began to realize that I could never do this work long-term; I was too sensitive and vulnerable to get attached to people who could and might give in to the voices they were hearing that told them that their lives weren't worth living. Liberation from the mental institutions where they had been committed was a double-edged sword for patients who were now free not to take their meds.
May 11th
Just came back from spending an evening in the city -- rainy but neat just the same. Don, Barb and I met the Macklers, Diane, Wayne and Dan at the theatre where we saw "A Chorus Line". What an amazing musical. Unfortunately they had just put in a whole new cast last week (so the original could go on tour) and therefore the acting was a bit weak, but the play, itself, was powerfully written and the music was just about perfect. Afterwards we went to Sardi's (yes!) for drinks. The maitre de was rather cool with regard to seating our entire crew, but once down we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. My apricot sour was super. You know, as much as I fret about losing sleep when we go out on the town on a week night, I really like having a fairly full calendar of activities. Upcoming is our dinner at the Wollocks, "Equus", a dixieland cruise around Manahttan, "Swan Lake"...
Looking back on this time period, I am so grateful to Don for getting me into the city as much as he did. Once I got there, I loved all of it and am glad that we took advantage of our proximity and using the freedom we had before we became parents.
May 12th
Finally got around to going organ-shopping tonite. We went to The Barn up in Mahwah and examined a number of Lowrey's pretty thoroughly. We even sat down and played for the first time which was great. Of course the model we really liked was $2400, so we'll have to do some comparison shopping and see what the possiblities are. We also might have to scale our vacations back a bit in order to finance the purchase (i.e., the beach instead of an island)...Had another argument with Don about the relative importance of our jobs and salaries. I think we kind of concluded that a lot of the problem is his insecurity...Looks like John is turning into a Brian of the Old Days. Notice how I always pick out the ones who are hitched? (ha ha)...I'm having problems with Gary at work. I'm becoming less able to handle his pomposity. It's all coming out now that Gail is on vacation for a week. I wish he wasn't so nice.
May 13th
Had an amazing conversation coming back from the Unit with Terry and John. Seems like sex has been filtering into our conversations lately, and we just cut loose all pretensions on this ride. I'm learning alot about Terry, and it's interesting to know that John draws the line at married women...Discussed Gary B. with Dr. Tuckman et al this morning, and learned that everyone else shares my feelings about him. Gary B. advised Ruth to pull rank and me to be more expressive when the occasion arises...Continued organ shopping this evening. Yamaha looks like an excellent bet.
May 14th
Not feeling too good right now. Of course this is because 4 hours ago I felt terrific. Translation: I got smashed after work today at The Golden Plough with 13 other Central Bergenites. It really was a lot of fun despite my bit of jealousy over Terry's "provocativeness". Come to think of it, she's a little spooky. Gary T. is a super guy, but with a tender ego ("quick and abrupt")...Had a party on the Unit this afternoon for Carol and Jean who are leaving... It was also Gail Mentes and Betty Sabol's birthdays. So we had a nice little wingding. At one point, Gary, Sue S., Allan and Peter were gathered around the piano singing "Home on the Range" accompanied by Florence and a Curry patient. What a scream. All news was not good today, though -- Ed stole from Philip again. We're going to bring the issue to the community on Tuesday.
One of the best parts of re-reading this, is realizing how much experience I garnered that I've forgotten about. In this case, it's remembering that I spent many years learning how to work with groups of various sizes and orientations. No wonder I feel so comfortable facilitating...
May 15th
WE BOUGHT AN ORGAN! I really can't believe that we finally did it. We made the deal -- a good one -- in Paterson this afternoon. Our brand new Yamaha will be arriving on Thursday. CAN'T WAIT!...Tonight we met the Macklers, Diane and Wayne at the Met and saw The Royal Ballet with Nureyev perform "Swan Lake". Believe it or not, we sat in the very last row, in the highest balcony, yet saw and heard everything clearly. It's a magnificent place and we were very impressed, both with the ballet and the surroundings...Afterwards, following a predictable amount of confusion and chasing about town, we ended up eating in a little place somewhere in Soho. My quiche lorraine and waldorf salad, plus banana dacquiri really filled me up (go diet!). Diane and Wayne are staying the night with us and tomorrow morning we may all go out for breakfast (minus Don who will be hiking with Peter).
May 16th
Boy am I sleepy. It irritates me to think of starting another week of work without having gotten to catch up on my shut-eye. Oh well. This promises to be an exciting week, though, so maybe I should concentrate on that: Tuesday nite -- dinner at the Wollocks, Wednesday: "Equus", Thursday: organ arrives, Friday: dixieland cruise. It really does seem like we've been jumping lately...Today, as a whole, was kind of a downer. I went to breakfast at IHOP with the Mackler contingent, after which they left for home. Coming back alone (Don had gone hiking with Peter) was depressing. This afternoon, however, was better when we went over Barb's for a few lazy hours and ended up having a nice Chinese dinner at Kings. Actually, there wasn't much else to do on such a cold, misty day. May get together with Barb on a new staff position for the Center.
May 17th
An "average" day. First average day in a while, come to think of it and it's kind of nice. The Unit was quiet, largely due, I think, to the high humidity. Florence, for one, was in a marvelous mood and for the first time made me feel as though we're getting somewhere with her. Actually, I'm feeling good about all the patients these days, in terms of movement, especially Raymond. Just shows to go ya what a little contact and human interest can do...had a professional consultation with Don on organization this morning. He sure can use it and I think we spent a profitable 45 minutes. Afterwards, we had another consultation, a little less professional and quite enjoyable!...Can't wait until the organ gets here. Don is really gung-ho on it now...Barb is planning a party for Marty soon. Our social calendar is certainly amazing these days.
May 18th
Spent a marvelous evening with the Wollocks. I expected to have a nice time, but I didn't really imagine that anything would come out of it. What we found, however, were 2 people, every much like ourselves, who have a zest for living that you don't usually find in people their age. They've been into camping, biking, trains and aquariums, have 2 retrievers, 3 college-age kids, a swimming pool and a new house in the woods that we've been invited to stay at. I really like evenings like this one, 'cause they make me feel especially good about myself and my marriage and where we're going. I've been kind of proud of myself in general lately, especially when I get the kind of feedback that I got from Ruth today, about the positive way that I interact with patients. That sort of thing, plus our social calendar and "cultural activities" make it hard to relate to the empty months of last fall.
I wish I could remember why we were at the Wollocks house. I think that they were old friends of my parents, now living near Princeton and my parents thought that we would like them. We certainly did,but I don't recall getting together with them again after that one night...It's nice again, to read the positive feedback that I was receiving at work. I tend to forget those kinds of communications too quickly.
May 19th
God what a play. I had never really wanted to see "Equus" because I knew it was about a stable-full of horses being blinded. But since Don picked up the tickets we went and, well, I've never seen anything like it. Incredibly written and acted, it hit very close to home in terms of the portrayal of a mentally ill boy. Once again it impressed on me how little we can afford to open our awareness to the constant pain we're surrounded with. You could very easily lose yourself in it...Driver's Test tomorrow. Hope I'm ready...Weather turned very cold today; we actually hit an all-time low for this date of 39 degrees or something. and only last month it was in the high 90's...That Gary B. is getting to be a real pain. Nancy Gotliffe plays it a bit too cool too, but that's OK. She ast least doesn't have a superiority complex.
May 20th
THE ORGAN ARRIVED! My "dream of a lifetime" is now sitting in the dining room and it's ALL OURS. Unbelievable. I really want to become good on it, too...This morning Don and I went to Lodi to take our driver's test. We finished up fairly early, and drove around for awhile, stopping in Ridgewood to look at a bike for me. Unfortunately they don't really stock them in my size, so we may have to do some looking. Life can be tough for a little person...Worked at the Center today and turned out a graph and chart for Mr. Renna. Didn't do much else other than attend Treatment Review where Ruth presented the 4 women who will be leaving. Sue gave me a lift home, Barb Schlenger and Butch stopped by and then the 5 of us, plus Barbara Berg took the van out to dinner. Afterwards we stopped over the girls' house for awhile and then we all went our separate ways. Been playin' my organ ever since.
Mom and Dad never did get over the fact that we bought an organ instead of furniture or something else more practical or useful. They couldn't relate to my happiness at having saved for and purchased an instrument that made me so very happy. We agreed to disagree.
May 21st
"And when the saints,
Come marchin' in..."
Tonite was our Dixieland Cruise around Manhattan, and while it didn't turn out quite as I had expected, it nevertheless was a novel and enjoyable evening. We never really got to meet anyone as I had hoped we would, but the ride itself was worth the price. The New York skyline is dynamite at night and I still get a thrill from seeing the Statue of Liberty....
Received some disturbing news from Gary T. this afternoon. Seems that the Haven contract negotiations are running into roadblocks that could mean the shutting down of Unit A. It doesn't seem likely at this point, but it still is a possibility. Hope they straighten it out soon...Have to get up early tomorrow to go to the beach! What a watery weekend...
May 22nd
You know, it's amazing how often the events you expect the least of turn out to be the best. I'm writing this from Surf City, NJ where I've just spent one of the nicest days ever. Despite the fact that it looked for awhile there like I might be developing a cold, I was able to relax completely and soak up some of that delicious sunshine and salt air breeze. The Veyhls [our landlords] are marvelous hosts and we've pretty much decided to try and rent their old place down the road for a week in September. The oceanfront house here is so captivating that I really don't want to go home tomorrow, but duty unfortunately calls. While lazing about today I read half of our training group assignment, Looking for Mr. Goodbar. What a strange, yet compelling book. Eerie. Not much else to say 'cept I'm feeling good and looking forward to another day hopefully as nice as this one.
Well, this is where all our adventures on LBI began. Thanks, always, to Alyce and Walt for introducing us to a life-long love affair.
May 23rd
This day would have been just about perfect if it were not for my face being awfully sunburned. Sunburn makes your head ache, ya know, and that I could do without. Besides that, though, I have nothing to complain about, especially since we've now arranged to come back to the Island in the fall! We're renting "Doc's Other Place" in Beach Haven and it's incredibly nice. An added attraction is that one of the bedrooms faces directly onto the beach! We'll be going for a week in Sept., beginning Labor Day. Can't wait. I LOVE THE OCEAN!...Ken Van Pelt, the insurance agent from Prudential, came over tonite to arrange for our car insurance. The whole business is a pain, but at least it'll be all taken care of soon. And then we'll officially be NJ residents.
May 24th
Another Monday where nothing much happened. (Remember my "Good Luck Mondays?) I still get a funny feeling when I think back to then, as though it's still very much a part of me -- the part of me that keeps me from being really grown up. I think about that sometimes in connection with having a kid. I feel so close to my own childhood in so many ways that it seems very strange to think of myself as a mother...Comforted Ada through an anxiety attack over her leaving today. Wish I couldn've done more, but it seemed to be enough to just hold her arm, kneel by her and listen. Sometimes my ability to be patient amazes me, particularly where Jody is concerned...The guy from the Yamaha school came over today but I think I'll take private lessons while Don tries the class. Hope I'm coordinated enough to learn to use the pedal.
May 25th
Gee am I sleepy. Must've been all that spaghetti and showing the slides to Ms. Barbara "Air Head" Berg. She's fun...Had an illuminating staff meeting this morning. Discussed the importance of airing our differences and the overall atmosphere was very good. It is amazing, come to think of it, how agenices encourage the avoidance model that we somehow found ourselves adopting. Speaking of agencies, John Culleeny's revived the talk of a union after hearing about Bob Bruton's being fired. The news didn't come as a total surprise, but it's still disturbing to realize that there are no set guidelines on firing, salary raises, etc. We'll have to see what comes of it...I still wish I could put my finger on why this job suits me so well. Am I really crazy myself? Interesting thought...
Now that *is* an interesting thought. No, not whether I was crazy, but why there was such a good fit this time around between me and the job. I'm thinking now that it was largely the freedom and the emphasis on communication. (And working with John didn't hurt either. ;-)
May 26th
Don and I had a discussion about spontaneity this evening, and then we did something spontaneous: Don relaxed in a bubble bath while I read aloud to him from The Shirley Temple Storybook. Being stoned added to the atmosphere of course. Sure was a nicely different way to spend part of a night.
I could swear that we never smoked as much as it appeared that we did during this year. I'm sure that it was because of the younger crowd we hung with; we never did purchase any on our own, and we stopped after I left Central Bergen.
I volunteered to see Dr. Krupa today for the staffing on Ada and Gail.What an experience. (Why is it that the higher-ups don't care to know your name?) Ruth Ann has put out the word that she's leaving next month and the Center's discovered that they're gonna be hurtin'. God forbid Barbara Berg should leave; then they'd really be up a creek. Obviously, it pays, both literally and figuratively, to be a specialist in this place... The organ sure is neat...May have another party, after our picnic, with some of Don's co-workers.
May 27th
Pleasantly high again tonite, this time from white wine we had over Peter and John's. Peter's in Conn. with his Yugoslavian girlfriend, and believe it or not, we're planning to go away *again* this weekend, to join them. We'll actually be going with John and MaryAnn (and meeting David Ross and his girlfriend) and it should be fun. We'll be staying in a 10 room house loaned to Pete by a friend...This evening evolved from the afternoon during which 10 of us gathered over here after the residence meeting for some beer and talk. We were supposed to meet later, over John's, but as it turned out, there were only the 3 of us and we spent 2 and 1/2 hours just sittin' 'round the table, drinking wine, eating cheese and pepperoni and bullshittin' about you name it. John's a fascinating guy; hard to believe he came out of his war experiences so intact. I really like him.
May 28th
So tired...went to the girls' party for Marty tonite, but it wasn't as good as the others. Made the mistake early on of smoking too much of some powerful stuff and really got zonkered. Took me an hour and a half to come down enough to even talk to people...Rotten day at the Unit -- worst I've had so far. Ed has become unmanageable and got me angrier than I think I've ever gotten at a patient. Edwina's been a real sweetie pie too. Just think, though, I can put it all out of my mind for 3 whole days. Tomorrow, sometime in the morning (if we all ever get to sleep), John and MaryAnn will pick us up to go to Conn. Even though it will take us away from the house at a needy time, I'm looking forward to going.
May 29th
This has been about the most unusual day that I can remember. I'm writing this in Conn. This morning, around 9:30, John and MaryAnn picked the 3 of us up [including Kerri], and despite several unintentional detours (i.e., mistakes) we made it up here around lunchtime. Total residents this weekend -- 10, 4 of whom I've never met. We organized ourselves like old friends, however, and while one group shopped for groceries, some others of us took a trip to the shore to get clams and a lobster! (Please excuse the penmanship of this entry. That stuff of Marion's is amazing.) Anyhoo, Pete, Gene, Andre, Don and I stopped off at a friend of Pete's, who rents a house overlooking the bay/river. So magnificent I didn't want to leave. Supper was great but now I'm pooped. An enjoyable day (but I wish there was another bathroom!).
May 30th
I can't get over how unusual this area is in terms of character. This afternoon, MaryAnn, John, Don and I took a ride, and in the short time we were out we saw: antiques and old books, the shore, a steam locomotive, swans flying overhead, a castle and peacocks courting. It was a pleasant afternoon, especially since I just sort of drifted through it. (Remember: "flying" across the bridge)...Two kittens arrived this morning, making life a little frustrating for Kerri, but amusing for us. They're such adorable little buggers, they almost make you want one. We spent most of the evening watching them play.
May 31st
Last day of May. Remember when I used to review each month in my 9th and 10th grade diary? Well, I guess that this was the month that our social calendar took off. For better or worse, we've been really busy lately. So busy, in fact, that both the house and I are beginning to feel the effects. I suppose that my problems are primarily due to my period being late, but my back is really starting to bother me. I'm sure that sleeping on the floor this weekend didn't help matters any, but be that as it may, I think I'll take tomorrow off, for both my health and the house's...Looking back over this weekend, it seems as though I was high 95% of the time. Which was fine, 'cause I needed it...Sometimes I wish that the place would magically fix itself all up. I know it'll be pretty when we get done, but it takes so long!
No comments:
Post a Comment