This feels weird. I mean, how many times in the course of growing up have I started out a new year in a diary. I'm not sure if I really want to keep this up, but right now it seems nice. Just got a little insight I wanted to put down before I forget. It occurred to me that tomorrow, a year ago, we set off for our sailing trip in the Bahamas. It seems like yesterday. Anyway, that reminded me of Don's mention of his enrolling in the New York sailing School and/or scuba diving and my reaction to that -- which was negative. I just realized why. Part of me want to do those very same things, but I'm not ready yet. And I'm afraid of being left behind. I won't stop Don, but I wish he would have waited for me. It would be nicer all around.
January 2nd
"Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose."
How true. Things ARE changing, and it's obvious, but somehow still the same. Don and I have a much better dialogue going -- he's able to listen more openly and I'm willing to share more when I feeling tentative or vulnerable. but it's important to remember/realize/accept that he'll always be basically Don and I'll always be basically me. However, even just verbalizing my new understanding of the effect of his input ("staking a claim on MY initiative") has been very helpful. I can see what I'm doing, AND act on it AND tell him about it at the same time. Feels good.
Speaking of MY initiative, I'm determined to land a contract to pay for a vacation. Whether Don suggests it, demands it, or ignores it. How about that?
January 3rd
I'm sitting here at Peter and Anita's. The guys are in the kitchen cooking and the smell of garlic and ginger is in the air. The warmth of the wood stove fills the room, along with the strains of Pachelbel. It's a good feeling, this being with friends in such a homey, comfortable setting, as the rain beats softly against the window...
January 4th
Forgot to put down my New Year's "Desires":
- keep more up-to-date on cards, letters and local "catch-up" calls
- schedule one "new" activity a month with Don; alternate responsibility
- schedule more social activities ahead of time
- experiment with cookbooks; try for 1 new dish a week
- concretize more personal objectives -- use them to keep up spirits and energy level
I still don't knw why I'm writing in this book. I like the idea of preserving a "snapshot of the mind" for the future; maybe that's why I find the idea of collecting old diaries and letters (antiques) so attractive. On another tack: I'd like to get better at understanding and implementing the concept of balancing being good to myself and hard on myself; when to pamper and when to pressure. I'm not really satisfied with the quantity or quality of either. And I know that they're both important. Don seems to have the same problem. My short bath this afternoon served to freshen me up and make me feel better. I don't like the fact that I feel guilty about it. Is the concept of "earned" always valid?
My side still hurts and it's been 5 days of discomfort. Why are so few things straightforward?
January 5th
Started my new cold-call program today and it felt great. New system, quotas, motivation and enthusiasm. Forcing myself to do it is as hard as it ever was, but my new goal sign says: ONE CONTRACT = ONE VACATION and it's making a difference. Also, talking to Maria Czin was helpful. Hearing how other people bounce back from constant rejection is good for me...Wish I didn't get so hungry...Side pain seems to have stopped. I wish I wish I wish...
January 5th
A day of frustration with the business calls. Combine that with a cloudy, cold day and you have an unhappy Sunny. At least I made the number of calls I set out to make, plus additional ones. But nothing happened. Oh well. Start over tomorrow.
January 13th
First big snowstorm of the season. They're predicitng 6 - 10". So far it's light and dry, which is nice, considering it's still coming down hard, and we're planning to go skiing in a little while at the golf course with the Levinsons...Didn't get a chance on here yet to mention about Dad getting his voice back. When Mom put him on the phone, I almost cried. I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear it again. His foot pain is still bad from the circulation problem, and it makes it hard for him to walk, which he should be doing. I have to be careful that my hopes don't get ahead of me again.
Had a lot of problems with the heat today. Don had a couple of outbursts in connection with that, and although he still directs too much at me, his recovery time is quicker than it used to be. What I need to do is not match him reaction for reaction, but it's hard to think when he's screaming at me. And I don't want to get over-stressed, just in case...you know...Went to Honey's for lunch. It's her birthday and that SOB, Nate, hasn't even wished her a happy one yet. I don't like standing by and witnessing another Anne-Marie/Bill, but there's not a helluva lot I can do. Damn...
January 15th
Felt as good today as I felt poorly yesterday. It was nice being so "up" but I honestly wonder how much of my rebound had to do with the weather. There seems to be quite a correlation between how I feel and whether the sun is in or out. Hmmnn...
I found out in later years that I definitely suffer from S.A.D. There's been a huge difference in the consistency of my moods since we moved to Arizona.
I swore to myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up to fever pitch the way I did several years ago, but I've gone and done it. I want to be pregnant SO badly.
January 19th
Well, I'm not pregnant and I really crashed. Don wasn't much of a help, being that it kicked off his "you're a failure and I resent you" tape. He would've kept it pretty much to himself, but I was feeling so alone that I reached out and "asked for it". Whatever other feelings he has, I'm finding it very hard to tolerate the way he refers to our future baby (when he refers to it at all). He does it mostly in terms of himself and rarely does he seem to have an "us" mentality. He claims this is because of his feelings about my lack of success, but I find that attitude, in connection with trying for, carrying and delivering a child, unacceptable. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor in the difficulty we're having.
Clearly we were supposed to have had Lauren and AJ a few years later, as we did. Don continued to behave like a narcissist, but he turned out to be as responsible and committed a father as he was capable of being.
Otherwise I feel OK; non-stressed in general, altho frustrated at having another month go by. Especially since Ilene just delivered hers. That bitch. I probably wouldn't mind her son so much if I were pregnant. I wish Don would stop judging me in connection with the pregnancy, like he does everything else. When he does that, we can't share our feelings about it. If we can't support each other in times of disappointment and sadness, then the good times don't mean as much. At least to me.
January 21st
I think it's important to write in here when I feel good, as well as when I feel bad. And today I feel good! The ASTD meeting was great -- professionally planned and executed, with very nice people. I made contacts, and actually got an appointment, but most importantly, I felt myself to be in a peer group for the very first time. I didn't feel young, shy or inexperienced. Just relaxed and competent...When i got home, Eby and Van Delft called to confirm their speaking engagements, and those 2, plus the Bloomingdale's offer, make 3 for this week! Filling my calendar sure helps to offset the baby disappointment...I'm carrying through one of my New Year's Desires tonight -- the one about planning 1 new activity a month. We're going to see the ice Capades! Really, the busier I am (up to a point), the better I feel...The book proposal is just about ready to go. I feel great about what I've developed...
Wow -- so I started with the book in 1982! It was published in 1989 so I truly spent years on it, from the concept, to finding Roberta, to getting the contract, to writing it. I'm very proud of myself!
I can't believe how much it's snowed this week. I like the snow but I can do without driving around in it...Talked to the folks last night. Dad sounds so different these days -- so laid back and relaxed. I had this really weird thought that maybe all of this is God's way of resolving that impossible situation at the store between him and Jeff. They probably could never have worked anything out with both of them there. Now it's Jeff's store and Dad seems content to sit at home and read. Maybe this is the only way he ever could have adjusted to retirement.
Well, it certainly WAS God's way of resolving the problem. I didn't understand then that my "really weird thought" was actually the way things work. Of course, Dad went on to recover and travel and do important volunteer work and that was all part of the plan, too.
Barbara's decision to get married in Chicago has been bothering me alot. I won't get involved, but it makes me sad to watch. Bunny meant so well and look what she did to her kids. Sometimes I worry that Don will be like her -- demanding in a covert way. What a dangerous thing to do to a child. So far I just can't picture Don as a laid-back father. he doesn't realize it, but he reminds me of Aunt Marilyn and everyone knows how Sally and Richard turned out.
January 23rd
Boy, Don sure turns on and off quickly these days. Yesterday morning he was carrying on about what I owed him and how I was going to have to pay for any individual expenses that I incurred. He was totally belligerent and impossible to talk to. So I was really surprised when I talked to him later and he apologized for acting that way. Today I found out that he has another outbreak, so that may have something to do with his turn-around. Obviously, any kind of stress these days sets him off, so maybe he's trying to keep a lid on it. It gets so aggravating for me, though, having him be angry and demanding one minute and loving and affectionate the next. Especially as it pertains to our financial situation, I really do want to "pull my own weight", but not because he suddenly decides to feel put out or taken advantage of. I simply want to earn what I'm worth and contribute to our mutual well-being. Because it's so slow in coming, Don feels jerked around and I can understand that. There must be a way of dealing with it though without him constantly swinging to extremes. It's making me dizzy.
January 25th
This baby business is really getting tough, especially with Elaine maybe being pregnant. I have to remember that I'm in control and that it's only awful if I make it awful. I have to keep concentrating on the good stuff and enjoy what Don and I share now, instead of living in the future. And I have to keep reminding Don of these things. We can't be getting depressed over what we can't control. It's even more of a problem because of Don's herpes outbreaks. We're really going to screw things up if we get down on ourselves or each other. I hope he realizes this...Skating was fun last night. I did pretty well and felt good about doing something different, physical and challenging.
January 27th
Pretty good day. Our original "anniversary" as a matter of fact. 14 years.
Interesting -- it's now 14 years that Roy and I have been together and the difference in happiness at this point is staggering. Don and I were in each other's lives for several reasons, but happiness was apparently not one of them. *sigh*
I gave a talk to a bunch of older men in a business group that HWC belongs to, down in Hudson county. Don came and it was really nice having him share it. It was a freebie and no business came out of it, but it was an enjoyable experience to be able to talk to a group like that and not feel terrified. I really do think I keep getting better. Hope this relatively calm period hangs in for a bit. It's nice not being so tense.
January 28th
God I'm frustrated. Don and I had a nice dinner at our little Indian restaurant and it was delicious, but none of my calls went through today and Gail called to tell me about this new job she was offered. I don't like feeling jealous of Gail or of Elaine, and I certainly am aware of all my blessings, but sometimes -- shit.
January 29th
Last night when he came to bed, I heard Don tell me (through a fog of sleep) how important I was to him, and that when the other things in his life weren't working out, at least he had me. Do you know how long I've waited to hear that? What a wonderful feeling.
January 31st
Just spoke to Dad on the phone. He read me a toast he had written for the Levine's 25th anniversary party and it was really beautiful. I had tears in my eyes, and I don't even LIKE the Levines. Stuff like that tends to get me going again about him, but I didn't let it this time. Still, it hurts to hear him talk about the fact that he may never walk comfortably again, and how he's even starting to miss going down the store. I do love him so much.
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