July 1st is here and it finally is beginning to feell like summer. Certain songs are becoming special again and for the most part, "the livin' is easy".
Driving the van home in the afternoons especially, brings to mind the days of summer camp and Happy Acres...This evening was nice -- we got sundaes at Dairy Queen and then took a walk in the park at sunset. The only thing that's been getting to me is that kind of loneliness that I was trying to explain to Don. I don't know whether it's that "all-prevasive" loneliness of Pisces that Vince talked about in my natal chart, or whether it's as simple as just wanting to have some friends that will call me more often. Do I feel unfulfilled as a woman? I dunno. Maybe the problem will take care of itself...It's been nice going in late more often. Been getting things done. Hope everything works out OK with the gyn next week. I could do without this condition.
July 2nd
Boy am I pooped. Especially my feet. Don, his friend Gary, and I went to watch the Paramus fireworks this evening. It was an impressive display for the most part, so much so that I didn't even mind the long walk back to the car. Afterwards we attempted to go drinking, but the bouncer at The Library in Woodcliff Lake wouldn't admit t-shirts. So we ended up getting a pizza at Lido's in River Edge. And I ordered a beer! Can't explain it, but I just had the urge. Asparagus and beer forever. Gary is nice, and very cute, but a bit young. Still, it was an OK evening...I'm really having mixed feelings about Haven these days. As I leave Greystone behind, the old paranoia is starting to creep back again, which makes me want to chuck it all, but the patients are getting dearer than ever...Stephanie Winston called back. She's going to give me a non-competitive consultation.
Stephanie was the first organizer I ever heard about. I read an article on her in the Wall Street Journal when I was at UNC.
July 3rd
Well, tomorrow is the day -- the end of our 2 year long Bicentennial-Mania. Imagine, no more Bicentennial Minutes on TV. Hard to believe, huh? All sarcasm aside, though, the nation's 200th birthday will be something that we won't see again and that our children will read about in history books. I'm looking forward to seeing Op Sail tomorrow and I only hope that the weather and safety precautions hold...I've been feeding Mackie this week while Betty is in the hospital. She's quite a woman. I'm beginning to have more respect for her...Went to visit Gail and Rob in their new house this afternoon. They have a terrific screened-in porch that I really like. Sure would be nice to get closer to them this summer. I'm still a little depressed, I think, about the coming week -- leaving Haven, my birthday, the doctor's appt. Don and I are starting to get on each other's nerves. Hope it blows over soon.
This is the first time I ever recall feeling "old". Being 25 and married for 5 years was a difficult place for me to be. The "loneliness" that I was experiencing was a symptom of confusion and dissatisfaction that I didn't understand at the time.
July 4th
Words simply can't describe what an incredible day this has been. For such an historic occasion to come off so beautifully was a minor miracle in and of itself, but to realize that I was living a part of history is even more amazing. We drove into the city this morning and watched the parade of Tall Ships from the West Side Highway. Despite my normal irritation with the Schlengers, I got totally involved in the spectacle, and my excitement continued into the evening when Don and I watched televised events that had taken place during the day in other parts of the country. Capping it all off was an unbelievable display of fireworks at the Statue of Liberty and a terrific concert by Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!
July 5th
Holiday today -- served 2 useful purposes 1 - (which also was the cause of #2) We bought some curtains for the living room, finally! They won't be delivered for awhile, and we still have to get rods, but at least we're making headway. 2 - Don and I had a big argument that made some headway in terms of our understanding of each other's depressions. He's in the "I'm a fuck-off" mode, but has a legitimate gripe about my leaning on him in major decision-making. I've really gotta take more responsibility; it's just that I feel saddled with so much of the day-to-day shit. At any rate, I'm glad that we could finally discuss it, 'cause his whole attitude was really getting me down. Both our cycles seem to be at low ebb now, but I'm counting on it only being temporary...Got "The Joy of Cooking" for my birthday from the Schlengers and I used it tonight to make baked zucchini. It felt good to have an all-vegetarian meal.
July 6th
Hullo. Was feeling pretty good this evening until Don came home from Stevens and started with the "fat" comments. I sure don't take that kind of criticism well. It just really bugs me when he does that on top of his regular sarcasm...
I NEVER should have tolerated this, but obviously I had no idea what was going on. My self-esteem took a beating that it should never have had to take.
Was re-reading my old autograph books earlier. Wish I could discover a whole hidden cache of memorabilia that I didn't remember that I had...Am feeling in better spirits generally today; don't know why though. Had a nice, long lunch over Gail's, with Ruth, Nancy, Barb, Joan and John. Sure am gonna miss seeing those guys regularly, but enough is enough with the vans and Peter's pressure. I talk with Aaron tomorrow; wish me luck...Don went into the city today to tour the Tall Ships. Was crowded but fascinating, he said. NY will continue to be crowded, I imagine, as the Democratic Convention begins next week...Got my annual birthday letter from Sally!
July 7th
Well, tomorrow is the day, folks. Come to think of it, this is the first time I've ever kept a diary of the occasion. This is really the first time I've ever kept a daily diary for more than 6 months, period. I sure can be compulsive sometimes...So today was my last day at Haven. Didn't seem like my last. I guess that's 'cause I'm not really going anywhere, so I didn't say goodbye to anyone. I talked with Aaron this morning and he gave me the go-ahead for next week. It should be a whole new world compared to what I have been doing. Truth to tell, I'm a little nervous. Especially when it comes to getting in with a new, less "loose" crowd. I'm looking forward, though, to the challenge...Decided not to mope around alone on my birthday and invited some people over. Don's baking Alice B. Toklas brownies and it should be fun, no matter who does or doesn't show up. and I get my special dinner!
July 8th
"Happy birthday to me..."
What a marvelous day this has been (haven't heard me say that lately, have you?) It really has been the first day in awhile that I've been totally happy. This morning I opened Don's cards and gifts: 2 records ("Wildflowers" and "The Circle Game"), a Oui leotard, and Woody Allen's Without Feathers. I also received a card from the Veyhls and one from the Eisenbergs. Don was unbelievable -- he brought home daisies, cooked me a delicious spaghetti with clam sauce dinner and baked me a cake! After dinner we had some folks over (Barb, Diana, Jack, Hal, Sue, Renee and Tom) and I got 2 hanging plants. Wow! Don had made magic brownies and those plus the wine made for some real nice feelins'. Hal jammed with himself on the organ for an hour, and I believe that I can safely say that a good time was had by all.
July 9th
Another up down day. Spent most of the morning straightening, mainly because I had to keep myself busy in order to avoid the jitters. I really was nervous about going to the doctor's. That, however, turned out much better than I ever expected; the office was extremely neat, clean, and well-managed, the nurse was a charming Brit, and Dr. Miller was as kind and patient as could be. He treated the cervical whatever with silver nitrate and sent me, much relieved, on my way...This evening, Don and I did some window-shopping, as Bloomingdale's was closed. The weather was beautiful and the sky so spectacular that we ended up sitting out back on the Veyhl's patio, along with Betty (who came home yesterday) sharing wine, cheese and dixie cups. The bad news: a big industrial complex wants to move in across the street [where there was currently just acres of woods]. SHIT! The good news: we're spending next weekend with Mom and Dad in Ocean City, courtesy of them!
July 10th
I feel pleasantly healthy tonight as a result of swimming and jogging on this beautiful July 10th. It really was a nice day - lolling about at the Gottlife's pool, eating KFC for dinner, running in the park with Kerri, watching the sunset from the chairs on the side, watching TV and eating leftover brownies...Finally got a letter from ol' Judy in the Sky. She invited us to come stay with them one weekend soon, and I really do think we'll take her up on it. I wonder how much we've all changed in 5 years?...Hope my period won't come next weekend and mess up our beach plans. Or the weather either, for that matter. I'm excited about going...Not much else to say tonite. I just got off on the brownies and it's a very interesting high; I'm suddenly remembering clearly all sorts of forgotten scenes from my childhood.
July 11th
Just had a whopper of a "discussion" with Don. It centered around his emotional maturity in connection with having a baby. My feeling is that as much as I want a child now, I'll be damned if we're gonna go ahead and create something that he'll want to back out of, or that he'll end up resenting me for. It really makes me angry the way he acts like he has no control of anything at times. Like a child banging his head against the wall and screaming because he's given only one cookie instead of two. Self-discipline ultimately boils down to the will to succeed in attaining a goal and one of these days he's just going to have to face that fact.
Again, we didn't know what we were up against with Don's situation. If I thought that he was congnitively impaired we certainly would have addressed that instantly. Unfortunately there were multiple factors involved that combined to erode our relationship over time. Because there was so much hope for growth/change and there were so many good times competing with the bad, it took years to accept the inevitable.
Saw a good movie on TV -- "Possessed" with Joan Crawford and Van Heflin. She was a schizophrenic and the characterization was excellent. I have a much better feel for that sort of thing now...Well, tomorrow starts the new regime. Wish me luck!
July 12th
As miserable as last night was, that's how nice tonite was. The whole day was OK actually. I began work at Building 18, and true to form, it was as unorganized as could be. I met with Aaron briefly and while he outlined a few projects that will take me years to complete, I didn't get much done other than organizing some donated paperbacks and alphabetizing the address file for the workshop in October. Once again I find myself wishing that I had a desk. Hope I can understand the grant info. Also, hope I don't wind up being Aaron's secretary while Anna's gone...Good things do come in 3's! Alice Lawler sent us a letter and both Chiang and Jackie H. called! We may see Jackie and her new boyfriend this weekend. Great concert on TV and stereo tonight; I love Gershwin. Wish I could lead a band!...Don's first organ lesson. He sounds good. I need to start soon...
July 13th
Just finished watching "Charade" on TV and I'm really haunted by it. What a fantastic combination of comedy and drama. With the evening lineup of movies and specials for Convention Week, we're not getting a damn thing done around here, but we're enjoying ourselves!...Took Kerri to the vet's this afternoon. Poor baby got a shot for her diarrhea and some pills to take over the next few days. She should (hopefully) be OK by Friday so we can board her...I'm getting the ol' "writer's finger" again. It appears that they've decided to try and make the Aug. 1st notification deadline for C&E, so I spent most of the day trying to make order out of near-chaos. T'would be nice to get some more money and recognition for my labor...Had lunch with Barb today. Don's over her house now working on plans for our camping weekend.
July 14th
And time marches onward...Work is quite interesting these days, for a # of reasons. I enjoy the overall professionalism and "demeanor" of the place. I'm also enjoying my organizing. Except for Dorothy, though, everyone seems rather aloof, or rather, only superficially friendly. Maybe that would/will change if/when I get a title and money...This morning I went to BCC to hear Aaron speak to a group of young police officers. He's a pro, but his talk was an unfortunate way to learn of Rocco's attempted suicide. I divined who he was referring to, and later found out that Rocco had contacted Gloria after overdosing on booze and pills. Guess it was his way of trying to put a stop to all the movement and pressure...Speaking of movement and pressure, I'm back in the Wednesday training group, and today we discussed plans for the new contract year, including off-site work groups and staff-assisted outside positions.
July 15th
Sometimes Don acts like such a shit. He's so fantastic in so many ways that it's hard to believe how immature he can be. I really have trouble with moody people. Everybody's entitled to be down in the dumps or angry every now and then, but the least they can do is be up front and straightforward about it. At least you then know where you stand and why. There are a lot worse faults than immaturity, I know, but right now I just want to smack him...Adding to this delightful picture, we received another call from Jackie from Springfield, VA where she is housebound with a slashed leg. She fell on a piece of broken glass and that is scary. We'll try to visit her tomorrow night...Work is one thing that still seems to be going well. I sure do love organizing, and I'm learning alot...Tomorrow morning we drop Kerri off at the kennel and then head on down to Balto. Hope it's a nice weekend all around.
July 16th
Back in Balto again. Left this morning around 10:30 after dropping Kerri off at the kennel. Sure hope she's OK. The trip down was a warm and humid one, but for some reason it didn't seem as long as usual. Later in the afternon, Aunt Marilyn stopped over with an anniversary present for us -- a really nice cheese knife. It was a complete surprise, given that she's never given us an anniversary gift before. But Mom says that the 2 of them have been getting a lot closer lately, probably as a result of Aunt Marilyn realizing that she may be alienating the family. Whatever the reason, it's nice...After dinner we drove 1 and 1/2 hours in the rain and backed-up traffic to visit Jackie in Springfield. Her new guy seems super and she's looking and sounding good. (Although I wonder if she's manic-depressive...)
July 17th
This morning started off interestingly enough with me waxing the car while Don sewed my blue jeans. Fair enough trade, I thought. Then we took off for the Plaza, toting $100 that Mom had given me as a birthday gift. I bought some tops and a pair of slacks, then we headed back home again. Had one of Dad's Boston Coolers [7-Up and vanilla ice cream], then went out again with Mom to Jay's...I really like their selections but I sure am self-sonscious about having to change in their open dressing rooms. (Damn the obsession with bodies around here!) Picked up a few other tops then returned for CRABS! Sally joined us, and Aunt Naoma and Helene stopped by. Helene is so naive. She's also too skinny. Hope she doesn't have/get you-know-what [anorexia]...Had some things to do around here to get ready for the beach tomorrow, so Don and Sally went to see "Silent Movie". Nite!
July 18th
We're here! Ocean City, and what a lot of water's gone under the [Chesapeake Bay] bridge since we were here last as a family. We drove down in separate cars this morning, arriving around 10:15. It took awhile to get a room, but we all managed to get out on the beach between 12 and 1. And what incredible weather. A light breeze, cloudless sky and the water was delicious. Don and I were on the outs for awhile as part of what's gone on between us lately, but I think we cleared up a large part of it during a walk up the beach. At any rate, I feel much better. We had a drink before dinner and God did I get bombed. Ate at the Carousel, a condominium with an ice rink in the lobby. The nicest part was the walk along the boardwalk at sunset. The ocean is so neat at night. Liked those green day-glo things. Riotous bowling and air hockey games at arcade.
July 19th
Don't even know how I can write this now, I'm so sunburned and exhausted. Today was marvelous, despite my headache and upset stomach. My physical condition didn't surprise me, given my inability to handle the combination of seafood, sun and salt water. I decided to try and overlook it however (between trips to the bathroom) and the 4 of us started off the day with a hilarious game of miniature golf, complete with "clunking" at the Eiffel Tower. The rest of the day was spent on the beach and as the hours wore on I began to realize what a terrific time I was having when I actually expected very little. The sun, the sand, surfing on the waves, Don, Mom and Dad especially -- I feel very lucky to have a family that enjoys each other so much.
Re-reading this today, with none of them any longer in my life, I can really appreciate what a lovely weekend this was. I especially remember the golf game, maybe because of the picture of Mom taken with her hands raised in victory at the Tower. Loved it!
July 20th
Back to the salt mines. Needless to say, I found it very difficult to get up this morning. Sore and sunburned, I struggled into work and had a fairly pleasant day. Things bogged down somewhat when I finished the C&E narrative reviews and found myself writing "Second Request" on form letters and typing labels. But then Dorothy decided that she wanted the Workshop file re-organized and I was back in business. I'm now located in the back of the building, sharing an office with Elinor, until Anna comes back from vacation. Sure wish they'd realize how valuable I am...Picked Kerri up from the kennel, where they informed me that her screaming is quite unique in the dog kingdom. Terrific...Went food shopping after dinner to fill our absolutely empty refrigerator. Gives you a secure feeling.
July 21st
Tonite was the first time pain ever felt good. You-know-what finally arrived, for real this time, and I couldn't be happier. Now with a little luck we can go ahead in 2 weeks and give it the ol' college (grad school, water company, mental health center) try. Incidentally, it would be nice not to have my period for awhile. This one really is bad news...Work is a colossal drag this week. With Aaron and Dorothy so busy, I'm down to typing labels and twiddling my thumbs. Hope I can keep my cool until they get their shit together...Stopped off on the library on the way home. Ended up staying there almost an hour. (I'm impossible.) Got Don a cute book on becoming a father, and The Best of Robert Benchley. I remember laughing my head off at something he wrote when I was in Jr. High...Talked to Jeff this evening. We'll probably get the folks an Odyssey game for their anniversary. How's that for a great idea?
I do believe that this was the original video game, PONG! As of now, that game is sitting in the attic in Brevard, in its original box. We saved it from the folks' condo, figuring that it would be worth something some day. Whoever reads this, make sure you look for it!
July 22nd
Started bike shopping for real tonite. Sure feels strange leaning forward like that. It really is difficult to know what fits properly and feels good when you don't know what the hell it's supposed to feel like. And my size doesn't help things either. We still have to decide between buying a ready-made 19 incher or having Don fix up a frame. I'm getting excited!...Sat for awhile over the Veyhl's when we came back. Both Alyce and Walt are recovering from colds, and Betty doesn't look that well. I understand from Alyce that she started her radiation treatments today and that the prognosis is only a little better than fair. I just hate to think about it...Read the ovulation thermometer directions tonight. Neato. Think it'll work?
July 23rd
What a yucko day weather-wise compared to yesterday. Yesterday was kind of unbelievable though for a mid-summer's day -- cool, breezy, with hardly any humidity. Hardly like the Balto summers of yester year where you felt like you were going to die unless you were standing practically inside the air conditioner. Was reminded of those days whe reading the old camp and tour letters that I borrowed from Mom. Her writing brings it all back so vividly...Re-reading those old letters at least got me away from the melancholy world of CB for awhile. That place is so depressing these days 'cause of the Haven contract. Those bastards from the state are making us suffer for no good reason and it only adds to my growing disgust with NJ. If and when the contract is settled, I plan to pursue Esser with my systems planning approach. Gotta get myself in there solidly.
July 24th
Who would ever guess that on this date we would find ourselves swinging on the swings at a park in Yonkers, NY with a Chinese family? Well, that's what we were doing and it turned out to be a very pleasant evening at that. It really is strange how the things you expect the least of can end up being the nicest. We visited the Chiangs at their apartment in Yonkers and went on a picnic with them to a nearby park. The weather was lovely, the food plentiful and filling, and we even enjoyed their 2 hyper little boys. I liked their attitude toward their kids and although I believe it probably had a lot to do with their culture, it still might be worth aiming towards...I GOT A BIKE! A Motobecan Super Mirage. And I rode it in the parking lot, too! We're picking it up on Monday evening...Took first temp. today. Keep your fingers crossed.
July 25th
Boy am I sore. I wonder why. Didn't really do anything to strain myself today, although I kinda wish I had. Don and Peter went on a bike ride up around New Paltz and it was such a magnificent day that it would've been nice to go with them. Instead I cleaned up here a bit and watched the Olympics. I sure am fascinated by those competitions, particularly the diving and equestrian events. Makes ya want to go out there and really extend yourself...Day 2 of temp taking. I suppose that it will take me another week or so to ovulate and right now that seems like ages. But I know that the week will go by fast and it'll be here before I know it...It seems that except for Pete, and maybe Barb, we're having less and less to do lately with the Haven crew. That might be because I'm over in 18 now, or maybe because of summer vacations and people leaving (Vic and Elliot), but I don't mind. I have a feeling that pregnancy will bring in a new circle of friends.
July 26th
Brought home my bike today and boy is it a beauty! The silver gray is really pretty and I can even ride it! The bent-forward position is a bit awkward and I'm not too handy at gear-shifting, but the potential is obvious. I'm looking forward to some good bike hikes with Don...Sad news today from Haven -- Joan Scola died at the Pines, following surgery last week. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if she went the way of Louis Vadoni. Damn that hospital. It hurts like hell to lose people like that.
July 27th
Jesus am I sore. Took our bikes out tonite and did about 5 miles on the bike path. What a workout for my first time. I really can get into this sorta thing; kinda makes me feel like I did when I drove the van. Powerful...Had some weirdo dreams early this morning. Dreamt that I walked to Graystone and at Unit A I saw a bunch of Haven people who had decided to return because it was "safer" there. (What a sad commentary on events that would be.) I also ran into Terry there and asked her if she was married yet. The subconscious sure must be a strange thing 'cause I haven't thought of Terry in awhile, but when I woke up I realized that her wedding was a week ago Saturday and I never had been able to remember the exact date before...First Unit A came down, now we're at the wire with Haven, then today I learned that the money situation is so bad that the whole Center might have to fold.
July 28th
Took the plunge today and gave Aaron a memo requesting a go-ahead for a needs survey. What with the Haven mess, he's too busy to concentrate on it now, but at least he's interested and wants to know the mechanics of how it would work. And what with the board squeeze, I thought it was about time to ensure myself a future in that place. Yvonne says that my best bet is to steadily move on, but keep a low profile.
July 29th
"Is she or isn't she? No one knows for sure..." [Play on old hair color commercial] Wish I had a TV screen in my tummy that I could look through 'cause half the evidence says I did ovulate, and the other half says I didn't. Well, I guess I can only spend so much time thinking about it...After I wrote in here last night, Don and I had yet another one of those discussions that ended up with him blowing his top. OK, Don, I understand, sympathize, apologize and accept your apology, but I still hate scenes like that. However legitimate your feelings, and I believe they are, I still think that you invest too much of yourself in everything else besides me...Aaron gave me the go-ahead today to fill him in, via memo, on my Systems Survey plans. Things are lookin' good, folks. Dorothy gave me an upper today by telling me how well I'm liked at 18. That, plus Aaron's "pen searching jokes" and Elinor's confidence make me feel great...Damn it -- they STILL haven't brought the buffet!
July 30th
Just spent a pleasant, interesting evening with Don. First off, we had dinner at Emersons (love those pina coladas!) and then went book browsing. Wound up with another baby book (how'd you guess?). Stopped by Herman's where we got some stakes and fuel and then on down to Bambergers to pick up the curtains and buy me some shorts. To top it off, we caught the 10:00 show at the Hiway Theatre in Fair Lawn -- "Bingo Long, etc." Kerri is at the kennel 'cause we thought we were going camping tomorrow. But the weather doesn't seem to be cooperating, so we'll probably try a small bike trip instead and pick up the kid around 6...Mom called yesterday to tell us that she's gonna try to have the party when we come down. It would be a blast to make our pregnancy announcement then, but my temps went down today. Rats.
July 31st
Really nice day.Took a bike hike our around Pine Island, NY. Took us about 45 minutes to get there (through a few rain showers) but once there it was lovely. We parked by a fruit and vegetable market, where we bought some peaches and watched 2 of the cutest little kittens play. Was really sorry that we didn't bring the camera. We rode approximately 5 miles around the little town of Edenton, and I was surprised by my stamina and ability. I'm still not too swift with shifting gears, but I could have gone further had I not wanted to risk over-exerting myself. Not that I'm very optimistic about pregnancy occuring this month; seems the odds would be very much against it. We then stopped at a little bakery, ate, and then rode in Dunkerhook for awhile. Remember: Onion Country!
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