1972

(from "Personality in Autobiography" class)

For the summer of 1970, I had hoped to get an assistantship at the Richards Center for Emotionally Disturbed Children, but was told at the last minute that due to financial reasons, they were unable to hire new employees. So, in June of 1970, I faced the prospect of a jobless summer. I now know that it's foolish to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I had almost been PROMISED that job, and as a result, I hadn't filed any other applications. I was willing to do almost anything that didn't involve standing on my feet all day (my feet are not cut out to be the feet of a cashier) but all of my dialing through the yellow pages was to no avail.

Shortly thereafter, as luck would have it, Don's father informed me of a temporary opening in the Accounts Payable section of the Controller's Office here at Hopkins (Mr. Schlenger was, at the time, Associate Controller). The job involved filling in for an elderly lady who was ill and whose responsibility it normally was to type checks. The women in my section (there were 7) were practically all middle-class widows, gossipy but kind. They sort of adopted me, being as I was the youngest member of their group, and I fit comfortably into the daily work routine. The two weeks were soon up, but I found that I was able to stay on by virtue of the fact that the woman whom I had temporarily replaced had decided to retire.

At first the weeks zoomed by, but then I began to tire of doing nothing but typing checks all day and every day. It was the kind of task that was routine enough so that I didn't have to concentrate too intently, but at the same time I had to pay enough attention to keep from making careless errors that would necessitate voiding the check. The other women didn't seem to mind the unvarying tediousness of their work, but I found myself growing nervous and disturbed as my mind kept reaching out for some sort of stimulation. I didn't know whether I was reacting normally or not (after all, the people sitting around me seemed to be relaxed enough) but after a period of time I began to be irritable and unhappy around my family and friends.

I couldn't seem to think clearly at all -- I went through the motions at work each day, but try as I might, I just couldn't fit it all into an irrelevant corner of my mind. Things finally got to the point where I actually feared for my sanity if I had to type just one more check, and this may have been the closest I've ever come to a nervous breakdown. I've shut much of this experience out of my mind so I can't recall exactly how I felt, but I do remember speaking to my supervisor about the possibility of varying my work occassionally. She readily agreed (although she had not been aware that there had been a problem) and the last week or two of work was a little better. My co-workers were so wonderful to me that I felt guilty about my problem untilI realized that I had, after all, done a good job and that they just happened to be more cut out for this type of thing than I.

Unbelievable as it may sound, the summer of '71 found me back in Accounts Payable. Much had transpired since the year before, and the new turn of event promised to make the 12 weeks at least tolerable, if nothing else. Don and I had made plans to marry in August, and I had been accepted in JHU as a transfer student, so I was now participating in a work-study program. With our wedding to look forward to, and so many tings to do (including 2 summer session courses) I was able to adjust to the old check routine.

 However, the summer months brought a reorganization of the department, a state of affairs that was displeasing to many of the people involved. A new tenseness accompanied the move from out tiny, intimate office into the more spacious quarters of Garland Hall. During this time I began to consider the possibility of becoming a secretary in the Psychology Dept. I had heard that there was a position available, and I very much wanted to get involved in the department of my major. I thought that I would finish out the summer in Accounts Payable and then see if they would still need me in the fall. I dicussed it with my supervisor and she said that they wouldn't -- another student was planning to stay on. So two weeks after the start of the fall semester, I began my work as a Psychology Department secretary. The pay's pretty good, the hours are swell, and I think that for the most part I'm a very lucky girl.

I don't think that my work record is in any way unusual, although I did have demonstrated to me, rather dramatically, that I require some sort of variety, purpose, or interest in what I do. I realize that much of the work we engage in during our lifetime is dull and routine, but certain people are just better suited for certain jobs. Secretarial work is largely routine in that I mostly type letters, stuff envelopes and file folders, but at least I do some of each only a few hours a week, and the work itself is rewarding because I enjoy helping to keep the wheels of my department rolling.

I need to work towards a goal -- certainly not monetary -- but one that I can eventually reach and then look back to see what I have accomplished. At Rosewood, I could help to make a child smile, and even now I can know the satisfaction of a deadline met or a well-typed manuscript. Typing checks however, although it obviously must be done, is not for me. There's no real beginning to a pile of them, no real end, and only dull repetition in-between. I'm glad I had the experience, though, because I was involved in a working world where life runs along at a different pace and where people pick up their work at 8:30 in the morning and leave it again at 5:00PM. It provided an "interesting" insight.

*****************************

The people that I admire now are usually extroverted philanthropists who are old enough and accomplished enough to be able to tell everyone to go to hell, but still are warm-hearted enough to want to contribute somehow to the disadvantaged of the world. I think that's really a cool way to be.

*****************************

Religious beliefs play only a small part in my daily life. I do pray to God when I'm frightened or concerned about someone else, but when I do, more often than not, I feel guilty that I'm just using Him. I feel secure in my faith, though. My conception of God is that of a principle of unity operating in the universe; I don't tend to personify Him as such, but I believe that SOME force, SOMEwhere, SOMEtime had to start the ball rolling. I believe in fate -- that events are laid out on a certain path, and what is meant to be will be, but trying to live a good life and being thankful for your blessings are still important (and perhaps influential).

Since it is doubtful that I shall learn in my lifetime whether or not in fact we are the puppets of a race of giant beings, I can only assume that because we exist, there is a meaning in our existence. The meaning may be apparent only to us individually in that each of us has the ultimate responsibility of filling the hous, days and years of his/her (brief) stay on this planet. Whether we choose to just live in the moment or to leave a humanitarian mark on society will depend on what each of us considers to be the purpose of his/her own life.

My own belief is sort of a combination. I believe that we are created in a certain mold with a certain amount of free will. That is to say, we are born with the capacity to develop within the particular limitations of our own personality and environment. To accept the premise that man is a creature of some value, if only by virtue of the fact that he does exist, is to say that each and every life is valuable. therefor it is most desirable to develop in ways that will contribute to the common good and well-being of mankind, and we can do this by developing our own individual potentials.

Hillel the Elder said:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
and if not now, when...?"

My own philosophy is basically this, and I know of no better way of saying it.

**************************

My preference in books is relatively diverse: I enjoy historical novels, biographies, westerns, romances and science fiction. I'm also very prone to re-reading children's books.

Listening to music has also been a favorite hobby of mine. My earliest memories in this area are of story-telling records that I would play over and over again on a little phonograph. For my 7th birthday, I received a record player with a 45 RPM spindle, and a recording of "Peer Gynt in the Hall of the Mountain King", plus some current rock'n'roll hits. My Bat Mitzvah brought with it the gift of a stereo from my three aunts, and I had the Beatles first album blaring out of it night and day. I have a pretty fair collection of records; music has always had the power to both relax and inspire me and I associate quite a few memories with particular songs. I don't care too much for opera or country and western style music, but I do like listening to classical, popular, folk and hard rock.

My most absorbing hobby was making collections. Before I organized my possessions into several scrapbooks, I had drawers filler with sugar packets from restaurants, postcards, sea shells, buttons, magazine clippings, comic strips and you name it. One of my proudest achievements is my 3 scrapbooks -- neatly organized and labeled, containing an exhaustive record of my life from age 12 to 20. I also have kept my collection of pictures in photograph albums and a notebook of all my creative writing.

I don't think that I was a "loner" when I was a child and adolescent but I did spend a considerable amount of time absorbed in my own personal activities. Looking back, it seems to me that I never required the constant companionship and external stimulation that so many of the kids in my neighborhood did. They must have thought me to be a little strange on the occasions when I refused their company, but I don't remember ever being really disturbed by it.

****************************

If I remember correctly, my earliest ambition was to be a veterinarian. I've always loved dogs and other animals and I hoped to have a career where I could be in constant contact with them. In 6th grade I decided that I would become a journalist. I was writing quite a bit at that time and had dreams of free-lance contributions to prestigious publications. By the time I was 14, I had developed an interest in television and travel, and thought that I might go into the field of advertising. But at 16 I entered our family counseling sessions with a psychologist and was terrifically impressed with the way she interacted with us. I decided that some form of psychology was the career for me and have never doubted my choice.

My parents have always emphasized to me the importance of being happy with the life style that I choose to adopt. They've said that money is important, but only in terms of the security it provides for you in time of need and for the additional pleasures in life that it allows you to enjoy. I believe that this approach is very sensible. If I found 2 million dollars in my mailbox tomorrow, I wouldn't argue about it, but I'm under no illusions about money bringing happiness. It just ain't so.

**************************

I believe that homosexuality is an illness and as such should not be punishable under law. I disagree with Gay Liberation's contention that it is "normal" sexual behavior, but if a man or woman is unable to change their sexual orientation (or does not desire to) then he/she should be allowed to pursue their own interests, provided of course that they use discretion. I'm not about to advocate legislation of what people should or should not do in their own homes.

It's interesting to read this today to see where I started from...

***************************

Don and I first met in Yearbook class when I was a junior and he a senior, and it was entirely a matter of fate. I had signed up for yearbook the year before, but so did quite a number of other kids and in this case being selected was entirely up to chance. The selection process was simple: as the sophomores on the list were, for the most part, unknown to the editor, he would pick them in almost a random fashion. When I received my letter of acceptance (I should've only known that the author of the letter was to be my future husband!), I had no idea how close I had come to actually being  rejected. Don later told me that the first time he had gone through the list, he had skipped my name, "Sonia Plaine", because it sounded too weird, but the second time around he decided that it was "interesting".

The first time I recall noticing Don was when I inquired about the possibility of a ride with him to the first Saturday meeting of the Northwest Tutorial Alliance at JHU. I had originally asked the head of the tutorial project if he knew of anyone who could give me a lift and he told me that Don was driving that day. He pointed him out to me in the crowded room and over I went. I gave Don my address and was surprised that he knew where it was, not being aware at the time that he lived in the same general vicinity as me.

***************************

In light of Don's family situation, it's not difficult to see the origins of many of his problems. And one might notice a similarity between the relationship between Don and his mother, and that of my father and his mother. I wondered if I was adding substance to the idea that girls tend to marry men like their fathers.

I've realized, though, that certain problems in life are here to stay and one just has to face that fact. Hard work doesn't always have its just rewards and wishing doesn't make it so, either. I'm trying to cope and have found that the "Serenity Prayer" of Alcoholics Anonymous pretty much sums up where I'm at:
"God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference."

***************************

I have a lot of faith in my powers of intuition. I believe that my thinking is above average in originality, imaginative resources and creative ability, but not superior in any way.

I don't believe that I've utilized my intellectual capacities as much as I'm capable of doing in relation to work and school activities. Maybe my drive to excel should be stronger. I believe that I study well but perhaps I should put more effort into it and not be satisfied with a B when I think I'm capable of getting an A.

I'm interested in a number of different fields but I haven't really engaged actively in them. I mostly learn through reading and discussion. I don't know whether or not I prefer a reasonable amount of knowledge of many things or a highly specialized knowledge of a single field. I think it's important to have both.

****************************

When I was about 14, I decided that I was wasting too much time regretting actions or events that had already past, so I devised my own little rule, "Never say, 'If only...'" and I've attempted to follow it. When something's done, it's DONE and the best thing to do is just to try and avoid making the same mistake again. In other words, "no regrets".

****************************

I don't normally go around ASKING for praise or approval but I think that I need a fairly large amount of it to compensate for my insecurity and fear of criticism. I used to think that I was a failure if everyone didn't approve of me, but I think that I'm past that stage now. oO course I like others to think well of me, but unless they're people whom I truly respect, I can live without their approval. I know that by my 20th year I should have a pretty fair idea of what I'm good at, but there are times when having someone tell me that I'm good makes it more believable.

The primary virtues that I demand of myself are patience, persistence, unselfishness and promptness. I like other people to have a basic sense of integrity and to be unselfish, prompt and honest.

******************************

I learned, in this project, that I am a product of many influences, several of which I had not considered previously. I've become more aware of my potential for achievement in terms of intellectual capabilites and I'm determined now to take positive steps in that direction. I've seen that I must battle the negative influences of my over-sensitivity and tendency toward over-anxiousness so that I won't be forced backwards into a self-consious passivity. I've also recognized that cause and effect is not always a simple one-to-one relationship; the number of variable makes for a complex but interesting analysis.