April Fool's! There weren't any today, though, which I missed. (Remember when Dad and I poured ketchup over Jeff and yelled for Mom to come?)...I was in a real good mood today although I'm not sure why. Brian sent me to Moonachie again, in the rain, and it didn't even bother me. Had lunch with Mary Ann and David Cherubin at Tom Sawyer's...Tomorrow in group, we're supposed to talk about my leaving in order to let the clients deal with their feelings. Too bad you know who has to be there. (I wonder why I'm still nice to him?)...Tomorrow we leave for Baltimore. Have to remember to call Peter's friend...Sure nice of Alyce to bring us those dishes. She'd make a nice godmother...Teamsters are on strike now. I want my buffet!!
April 2nd
Exhaustion sets in. It's after 11 and we're in Balto. The ride down was almost enjoyable this time; Don and I tried to identify oldies on the radio, reminisced a bit, and didn't even mind too much Kerri's customary puke...The day as a whole wasn't half-bad either. Highlight was a lunch at Tom Sawyer's with Barbara Berg. She seems more together these days and I really like being with her. She may be at Greystone 2 days a week now which would be great...Group was very heavy this morning. Sharon spoke out for the first time and a couple of others shared recollections of a repressive Greystone. The group didn't seem to want to deal with my leaving. I know it's hitting Jim and Cathie hard, though...Uh oh, Dad says his auto insurance can no longer cover us. We'd better get moving.
April 3rd
What a hectic day. I'm really pooped. Spent most of the morning and afternoon shopping with Mom. We didn't make out very well at all, and at one point I actually thought I'd pass out from the frantic pace. However, I did get 2 jean-type slacks and a nice "Act 3" pantsuit. Mom is really terrific. The B-day dinner was enjoyable but not especially outstanding. Milton was quite touched, I think, but the party seemed to be as much for Julie as for him. I hear that she's not doing well again. I couldn't believe how all the cousins have grown, especially Jamie and Hal! Rick looks excellent but is still poor and not really going anywhere. He seems kind of young to me now. Barb is angry and preoccupied, as usual, but Jackie is opening up. Don and some others went to a Mt. Washington - Md. lacrosse game afterwards.
I kind of remember this day, maybe because we took pictures. It's more obvious to me now, how the Schlenger family dynamics were playing out for a long time before there were major crises. I believe that Barbara suffered from the same severe depressions and mood swings as Don, although I didn't notice the pattern then. And it's good to remember Julie, Jake's sister. She suffered so much from what I think were digestive abnormalities. I did like her and it was very tragic that she died the way she did -- suicide after Alan left her for another woman.)
April 4th
Hey, this is exactly 3 months to the day that we returned from our last trip to Balto., and that I began keeping this diary. And what a 3 months it's been. It's funny (and I don't mean ha ha) to look back on my New Year's Resolution to detach myself from Brian. Wouldn't you say that that's one resolution that I kept?...We left Balto. about 10:30 or 11 with Peter's friend Marsha in tow. The trip was uneventful and we pulled into Garfield around 3. Peter, of course, was not there and had left no note. Although Marsha had the key to get in, I still don't approve of the haphazard was that Pete handles things. Oh well...Kerri's happy to be in her own bed again, I'm sure. That thunderstorm this morning sure scared her. She was good, though, and everyone loved her new trick.
April 5th
Don's in another one of his fractious periods, which is understandable, but still not really excusable. I know that the pressure is tremendous right now, but like so many times before, I have to remember to keep myself at a safe distance, both physically and emotionally. I wish it didn't have to be this way...
Re-reading this is disturbing. I didn't know back then that his behavior was abusive and absolutely unacceptable. I was still young and inexperienced and had nothing to compare him to except my father, who I knew would never have permitted himself to act like Don. I feel like I want to go back and hug 24 year old Sunny, and tell her that it will all work out OK in the end.
Went to see Esser today. He was encouraging, although It will be late August before I find out if the funding has come through. At any rate, it still looks promising...Lucy Janick asked Ruth Ann how long I have been out of Greystone!! (Hey lady, I'm just going in!)...Dentist appointment tomorrow morning, then over to Hasbrouck Heights for a meeting at Gail's. Wish I didn't have to arrive late. Wish, too, that I felt more at home driving around the area.
Don't know if I mentioned how traumatized I still was about driving in heavy traffic. I never did recover from the day I was made to pull out in Preakness Day traffic on my first time behind the wheel.
April 6th
Heavy day... Started off with a really nice appointment with the dentist (what? yes!) The hygienist was very friendly and Dr. Harvey (current president of the NJDA) told me that my mouth was "disgustingly healthy". From there I drove on over to Gail's for the Unit A meeting. It was an all-day affair, but very rewarding in terms of the insight it provided me. Thank God I'm going to a place where communication is not only encouraged, but demanded...I took Barb home, and we stopped in Emerson to take a look at Lela Kennels. Seems to provide more than adequate care. Since she didn't have a key, we came back over here for coffee. She sure is easy to talk to, and I think we have the makings of a good friendship...I'm a little nervous about starting on the Unit tomorrow. Hope they don't ask for too much too fast.
April 7th
God am I pooped. Getting up at 6:30, showering, dressing, eating, taking care of the dog, striaghtening, racing to the Center, driving up to Greystone (etc. etc.), driving back, being in Training Group, going home, preparing dinner, washing dishes -- phew! I feel like I did a while back, not knowing whether I'm coming or going. And with the trip to Chapel Hill coming up soon, that's not a very good state to be in...Unit A was good today at least. The lack of structure is somewhat problematic, but also comfortable in a way. Good people, too. Discussed issue of Jody in the training group. When I returned to the Center, I had absolutely no desire to go to the back. I already feel more a part of the Unit out there..Peter asked me to go roller-skating (?!)
April 8th
Hey, exactly 3 months 'til my birthday! I don't know what I'm so excited about, though; who the hell wants to be 25?...Speaking of 25, good ol' D.L.S. is about at the end of his rope. When Barb and Peter popped over last night at 10 with the ice cream and cake, they couldn't believe how out-of-it he looked. Well, tomorrow we fly to Apple Chill for the end of it all (we hope). I can't believe that the pattern of the last 6 months will be broken...(For some reason I'm feeling very sexy these days. John Culleeny is really turning me on)... Edwina's imaginary pregnancy is keeping my mind on that subject. May have to stop the pills early to get in the requisite waiting period...Since we haven't heard from Laura and Carl, we're thinking of getting together with Gail and her husband, Peter and some patients for a group seder. We'll have to see how that works out.
April 9th
Well, we're back, and it feels so weird to be down here again; Chapel Hill hasn't changed all that much, but we sure have. Rod and Sue are marvelous hosts and are as crazy as ever. Alison and Dick, however, have changed which seems to largelybe due to her pregnancy. While Dick is more open and easy-going, Alison is angry and cynical. She professes to have accepted the situation but it really doesn't feel like she has. At any rate, all 6 of us had an enjoyable dinner...It's now 10 PM, and Don, studying away in the other room, is a mess...I took Kerri to work this morning, while waiting for the kennel to open, and she was a real hit. What a cutie...So I'm now moved out of Voc Rehab, bag and baggage. In many ways, may I say "good riddance"...Good luck Don, and may the Lord give me strength!
April 10th
It's 2:15 and I've just gotten back from a party over Wayne's. Just Sue, Rod and I went, as Jeff had to return to Duke to do a paper (after having dinner with us over here) and Don didn't feel up to it. It was a good party, with some very nice people, but I just couldn't sustain the high that I walked in with. Don and I had had it out beforehand regarding his attitude about today's exam performance.He felt that he had done quite poorly, due to inadequate preparation (all through school) and his general immaturity. Whatever the cause, I'm just plain fed up with the whole thing; I'm sick of sacrificing love, affection and attention for some goal that could never be worth all this heartache. Right now I just want some lovin'...Went to Crafts Fair this afternoon and got some nice stuff.
April 11th
I'm writing this a bit early tonight as I'm getting sleepy and I may not feel up to hauling it out later on...The day started out magnificently in terms of the weather -- bright, blue and warm. Luckily it lasted through most of Apple Chill. The fair was much more crowded this year with people and exhibits. The crafts, though, were of better quality and I picked up a few unusual things, including a metal sculpture bike for Don. Saw the O'Donnells, Berndts and a few other familiar faces whose names I forget. Wendy told me that Dr. Taff died 2 weeks ago after a heart-attack. I'm really having trouble adjusting to the news...Can't stop looking at our old apt. Feels so weird...Had dinner at Brady's -- barbeque and hush puppies again! Wendy came, too, and we saw Mr. Spence there. I'd like to get to the Guidance & Testing Center tomorrow.
April 12th
Our last night in Chapel Hill...Don may be returning some time in the next few months but I probably won't go. He thinks he may have passed the major section today, but that Saturday's supporting section will probably have to be done over. All we can do now is sit back and keep our fingers crossed...I spent today tramping about town, trying unsuccessfully to visit old acquaintances. About all I accomplished was a set of sore feet, but I did manage to see Mrs. Woodward, Mr. Spence and Dr. Little. (They had put my collage up on the Reception Office bulletin board!)...I also found a copy of that Stevens' book, Awareness ...Really made me think. I've changed, Chapel Hill hasn't, and I guess that puts me in another phase of life. As they say, "You can't go home again." It's been a nice vacation with the Macklers though.
April 13th
So the 3 of us are together again. It's great to be back with Kerri, despite her raunchiness from the kennel. I was surprised at how much I missed her, probably because I associate her so intimately with Chapel Hill. The kennel put a few extra pounds on her, though. Will have to work on that!...Flight back on United was quite bumpy at the end. The pilot wouldn't even let the stewardesses walk around. Had me a little worried there...Damn Laura and Carl; why the hell won't they get in touch with us?...I wonder how much Rod's obsession with extra-curricular activities is a cover for his inability to move on his thesis. Hmmnn...Goodbye Chapel Hill -- good seeing you again!
April 14th
Stayed home today. just didn't feel up to dealing with the crazies. Sometimes I wish that I had more time to myself like this. Which reminds me of the subject of Baby. I found myself to be very jealous of Alison (not her mental state, just her condition; can you imagine how they could be so stupid with him still in Med School?) At any rate, I'd like to start a little Schlenger as soon as it would be safely possible, but that Swine Flu shot they're recommending for the fall could gum up the whole works. Damn it. I'll have to ask the gynecologist when I see her on May 4th...Tonite's the first nite ever that we missed a first-evening Passover seder. But we'll make it up tomorrow when we get together with Gail & Rob, Simon, Joe Phillips & Leonard Edelstein for the first Haven seder. I even made a kugel for the occasion. Should be very interesting...
April 15th
Had our seder tonight over the Levinson's; looniest seder I've ever been to. Our guests however, the patients, appeared to enjoy themselves and I really feel good about doing it for them. More than that, Don and I liked being with Gail and Rob. Gail is quite a unique person and she and Rob together make a nice, easy-going couple. I sure hope that we can all do something together sometime soon...We got back from Unit A early today and I stopped in to see the workshop crew. They gave me a marvelous welcome and even Brian asked how I was doing. It really felt good...Jack broke up with Diana. It seems like the sexual fidelity bit with his other girlfriend got in the way. Too bad....John Culleeny moved in with Pete 'til his marriage in August...Don's coming down with a cold, dammit.
April 16th
This has been kind of a strange day...Since it's Good Friday we stayed home from work and did a few things around the house -- cleaned out the dining room, took off the door to give us more space, sorted through old books and magazines, etc. Don's cold, though, sapped his strength, so we sort-of took it easy. He sure is a miserable, frustrating patient...I'm kind of irritable myself, for a # of reasons: We never did hear from Laura and Carl and I was really up for seeing them; we had an invite from Diana tonight which we couldn't accept because of our colds (mine isn't much, just annoying congestion); Betty is clomping around as usual (damn her sometimes!); but most upsetting tonight is the news we received that Don's cousin, Arlin, died. I feel just horrible about it and really don't want to go see Helen and George in Union on Sunday.
April 17th
Wow -- what a scorcher today was. Highs in the 90's! Unfortunately, what with our colds and all, we wern't able to take advantage of the weather. That was too bad, because we ended up getting on each other's nerves alot. I had slept in the study last nite so Don could rest easier, and I tossed and turned, waking up completely at 5:00 when Betty started stomping around. By the time my nerves had settled, Don was getting irritable and we had to take separate outside trips for awhile. But we managed to get a few substantial things done -- most notably, the wall hanging is now up in the living room! We even did a boy Scout-type good deed -- helping an old couple stuck out front on the street with a flat tire and dead battery. Sure hope it cools off a bit tomorrow.
April 18th (Easter Sunday)
You'll never believe this one, folks -- 96 degrees today! A record-high for April 18th and for Easter. We didn't feel it too much in the house but that was probably 'cause the humidity is low...I'm not looking forward at all to working at Greystone in this heat. No air conditioning on Unit A and all that transporting of patients. Yuck. And if I should become pregnant in the midst of a heat wave...Just wish me luck...Betty called before to ask us to feed Mackie while she's away for 3 days. I can't believe that that cat is 18 years old...Don developed a cough that has become very annoying to both of us. Despite that, however, we managed to put in a good day straightening up the house. Don worked very hard and I only hope that he didn't over-extend himself. He should stay home tomorrow, but that will only work if Marti doesn't need her car.
April 19th
"Hot town, summer on the Unit"...It's not really summer yet, but it would've been hard to convince those of us up on the 3rd floor today of that. Still, despite the heat and Jody's temper tantrum, it was a satisfying Haven Monday. I really think that I'm beginning to build up good relationships with all of the staff (and we all know how important THAT is) and I'm finding things to like in everyone. Even Gary and I engaged in a 500 rummy tournament that may prove to be long-running. Sure makes my experiences at the Center seem like a bad dream...I wonder why I find it easier to work with psychotics than with neurotics, and the sicker ones at that. Problem is, all the craziness begins to seem normal, and I'm not as discerning and demanding as I should be...B.B. called tonight. She's taking hang-gliding lessons(!) and may be going to Balto. with us.
April 20th
What a day. Started off on the Unit with a 2 hour discussion with Gary Tuckman about Jody. Feelings got hot and quickly polarized along the lines of protectiveness vs. risk-taking. (Ruth and Gary B. on one side, Gail and John on the other). At 11 we picked up 8 patients and went off to the Morristown Mall for lunch at McDonald's, followed by ice cream, a ride through Morristown's arboretum and a stop at a park. Never did see any seeing-eye dogs though.
I just recalled that when I was sitting at McDonald's, I realized with a start that I was eating a hamburger bun and that it was still Passover! ;-)
Back to the Unit for some more 500 rummy and then a meeting back in Paramus with Gary again to discuss a strategy for Jody. Ruth and Gary B. want to aim toward extinguishing the craziness while most of the rest of us are more interested in developing a sense of group participation...Had a cop out to get those boys on motorbikes in the park...Don and I had a long discussion about philosophies. He says he'd feel more ready for a baby after a good summer.
April 21st
There was a nice development today in our afternoon training meeting. We were discussing John O'Connell's inability to hang onto his money long enough to pay off his debts and not incur more. Gary T. suggested that perhaps I could step in in my role of organizational counselor and serve as a consultant to John in suggesting workable systems approaches to his problem. I'm going to try to get started next week. (Yay Gary!)...I wish Peter would not act so silly when I'm trying to relate to him as one professional to another...Gary R's opinionatedness is beginning to get on my nerves, and Ruth is making too many noises like a mother. Still, they're fun people...I understand that Sharon and Wayne are back in the Pines. That's the discouraging part of this business.
April 22nd
Boy, were the patients crazy today! Evelyn walked off again (in the rain), Edwina started hollering at a little old lady from the Greystone Park Association, Gail Mentes kept crying on and off, Lena never stopped asking, "Am I in trouble?", etc. etc etc. Hope things quiet down by tomorrow...Came back early to the Center for Gail and John's training meeting. Sure felt good to see all my old client friends again. After Unit A, Gil looks terrific!...Don's trying to get it together with Peter to do some backpacking and they're looking into purchasing some equipment. Sure wish Peter and Barb were more reliable, if you know what I mean...I've been getting really affectionate with Kerri lately. Wonder if it's my frustrated mothering instinct?...Drove Ruth's "boat" today. I sure am doing a lot of things I never thought I would do!
April 23rd
Another one of those weirdo days...The patients had generally calmed down today (wonder if Esser's theory about barometric pressure changes is true?) but we had some trouble with Phyllis and Charlie Adams who were back on the Unit for the first time in 2 weeks. Phyllis ended up going back early in the morning, but by the time Charlie had had his fill, he had tried to force his way into a car going to the mall, and had let loose another swing at Gary. As far as I'm concerned, that's enough of Charlie...Mike Moran came with us again today. Seems he got into the program the same way I did (Esser via Nagle) and told me that Nagle thinks a lot of me. Nice to hear, huh?...On the way back to the Center, Mike's car tried to break down and provided us with another hour of comp time. Going to Albany tomorrow.
April 24th
We're at the Schlengers on this, the nite we change to daylight savings time. It'll be nice to have the extra sunshine in the evenings but I hope that the mornings aren't real dark...We drove up this morning, arriving about lunchtime. After lunch we went bike shopping for Jackie and took a car tour of Schenectady. We were joined for dinner by a couple who are friends of Bunny and Jake's, and their mother who is Scottish. After dinner, Don, Jackie and I did (and broke) the dishes and then watched "Thunderball". So much for a run-down of our day...The dogs were funny as usual. They fought at first but then clowned around. Kerri acted quite "mature". Wish her stomach wouldn't rebel in the car...Wouldn't it be nice to have a good job where I could name my own hours? Wow.
April 25th
Just got finished doing some straightening and reorganizing around here. Boy does that feel good!...Came back in the rain this evening, about 5:30. I don't think that Kerri wanted to leave 'cause she sulked all the way home. Bunny gave me the number of the breeder who bought Billy and I contacted him when we got in regarding a stud recommendation for Kerri. He suggested a 4 yr. old named Tuffy who lives in NY but whose owners were away at a dog show when I tried to reach them. I'll try again tomorrow...We finally got that rain we needed, and now everything has grown in so thick that we can hardly see the river. It's kinda crazy though -- we're going from 95 last Monday, to temps in the 50's tomorrow. More weirdness.
April 26th
Shoot -- I'm exhausted again. I can go through the entire day very energetically and halfway through the evening I poop out. Maybe it's cause of the amount of tension I have to absorb, but at any rate, I'd sure like to take up something physically stimulating yet relaxing, like biking...Speaking of taking things up, I'd also like to get going with my photography...Tomorrow's the day that my first batch of Unit A-ers get discharged. We discusssed Joan's and Lena's leaving in discussion group and it somehow really set off Edwina. She got so delusional that we had to take her back to the ward. I handled returning her OK, as I did shopping with Jody this morning. I'm really proud of the kinds of things I'm voluntarily undertaking these days...Took last pill tonite. Big step there...May not breed Kerri, at least not until next winter. More later on this.
April 27th
It's late -- 11:42 to be exact, and we just got back from "Monty Python Live!" at the City Centre. It was a hectic afternoon, getting together with Barb, that God-awful drive down to Weehawken, and the mad dash to meet Peter on time. Dinner at La Crepe was nice, and I even enjoyed the walk to the show past Central Park and the Plaza Hotel, despite the chill and gusty winds. The show itself was enjoyable and would have been even more so if Pete and Barb weren't fighting/not talking. That of course made things uncomfortable as we couldn't even stop together for coffee later. Peter can be a real fuck sometimes...Gary told me that the C&E grant fell through. That's just great. I guess I'll just have to write my own grant or something 'cause I gotta make it work!...Went to the mall today and saw some neat chotchkes. They're really my weakness.
April 28th
Right now I'm cranky for some reason, probably because I'm sleepy, and I didn't really get anything ready for the trip tomorrow to Balto. Also, the Macklers are coming next weekend, and there's alot we haven't done yet...Today was pretty good in general. I spent it at the Center, developing a comprehensive systems approach for John's disorganization, It looks like it might work, at least on paper, and has been well-received thus far (except by Ann McClure, of course). I'm pre-empting John for next week's Treatment Review...Had lunch with Jack at The Fireplace and saw Betty there... Brian still makes me sick. [Very hard to believe that I had kind of a crush on him when we first started to work together]...Training meeting was a panic -- Ruth did imitations of Florence Schneider and Gail Mentes that were perfect...Bathed Kerri tonight. What a cute little weirdo. Only dog I know who hops right into the tub.
April 29th
Greetings from Balto. again. Oh what a mad whirl our days have become! Actually I feel quite good and very relaxed right now. I'm feeling very stimulated by work these days and anxious to develop my potenital as fully as possible, particularly in the area of OC...After this morning though, I'm starting to worry that I might be a jinx: first Jack's car, then Mike's, and n ow John's. The 2 of us were startingout for Greystone this morning when we discovered that his car was overheating. So we ended up stuck at the Center, and since the Shop was closed for a picnic, it was a dull and boring Thursday...Talked with Barb for awhile about the break-up with Pete; it'd be nice to sit down with the 2 of them...Had lunch with Mary Ann and Andrea...Down here -- Sally is getting laid off work this summer and Dad is sick.
April 30th
Shit, my stomach is starting to cramp up again; hope it won't be a repeat of this morning. That was really weird -- I thought I was just feeling out of it because of my period, but then I started getting dizzy and so tired that I couldn't even manage to wash up. I started feeling better around mid-afternoon, but Mom and Don had gone shopping without me so's I could rest up for this evening's banquet. They picked up a calculator as our present to Dad, and then took a ride out Dogwood Road and past Woodstock. I think Mom enjoyed the new scenery and getting away from Dad's bedridden depression...The banquet was nice, with the usual Hopkins' "class". Didn't see too many people we knew (we were the youngest there) but Don re-made some good contacts and I enjoyed listening to the Wolmans' speeches. It was also good to see Jensen again...Too bad about the rain predicted for tomorrow. "3400 on Stage" will be soaked.
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