Today certainly ended up nicely. Actually, it was a pleasant, relaxing day overall, spent doing all of my favorite things with Mom (reading the paper, listening to records, playing ping-pong, etc). but I still was a bit low from not hearing from Don. His call finally came while we were preparing dinner and he sounded great. Said that he had driven to the Grand Canyon and had been moved to tears by the sheer spectacle of the thing. He also bartered for some Indian jewelry for me. Shortly after speaking to him, the phone rang again (this was the day for calls -- the Schlengers and Dad had already phone this morning) and it was Barbara Berg inviting Don and I over her place for a get-together with Jack, Vince, Diana et al. Of course I couldn't go, but the invite was neat!
February 2nd
Groundhog Day today and the official little bugger saw his shadow, so I guess we'll be having 6 more weeks of what we had today -- God forbid. Mom and I awoke at 5:30 to the sounds of thunder, lightning and gale force winds. When we got up at 7:00, it was snowing so hard you could barely see out the window. By some miracle it cleared up enough so that Mom could leave around 11, but needless to say, CB was closed. The storm was so bad that everything from the Stock Exchange to the Albany State offices were closed, as the Schlengers told us when they called to hear about Don. I finished up For Kicks , watched TV and hollered at the dog for eating the frozen bread that Betty threw outside. And emptying the trash this afternoon was quite an adventure!
February 3rd
Don hasn't called yet -- makes me just a little angry and "worried". I sure as hell wish that I could go on a vacation somewhere (and I hope that I don't hold that against Don when he gets back)...Between the thunder of Sunday night and the blind falling off the window last night, I'm not sleeping very well. Tonight better be an improvement!...Straightened up some more of the study this evening. Sure felt good...Speaking of straightening, I met with Chris Gilbert at 4:00 to discuss the community approach, but other than our probable appeal to the same groups of people, our schemes don't have much in common. I'll have to see Esser again...Uh oh, got stuck on Crisis Call today. Sure hope it doesn't involve too much.
It seems that this was the first of many business trips for Don, and I can now see the pattern being established. At first I was nervous about being alone, but then I embraced the time to straighten/organize and indulge my own interests. What was at first a difficult time later became respites that I welcomed. Although Don never did learn to call me when he said he would. ;-)
February 4th
One month of diary-writing completed and it's getting easier all the time! My first instinct now, when I get into bed for the night, is to reach for this little book...Don called tonite. He said that he had wanted to send me a dozen roses but found out that the cost is prohibitive. That was a beautiful thought, but then he told me that he's planning to visit Sharon Sauter and the guy she's living with in Tucson. Yuck...Thought for awhile today that I might be coming down with the flu. Keep your fingers crossed...Received a dinner invite from Peter for Sat. Wonder if I can screw up the courage to drive to Garfield in the dark...Waiting to hear from Jack. (I just did; what a coincidence!) We talked for an hour and I really feel good. Just like old times in Chapel Hill!
Oh yes, I can see now what I couldn't at the time. Even though I had been "warned" through Don's admission about him and Rosemary Whelley at JHU (they hooked up while he was going with me and he confessed to it in a surprise letter to me at GW), I still was very naive. It never occurred to me that he was still in touch with Sharon, much less that he had planned to see her while he was in Arizona.
February 5th
I invited Betty down this evening, on the spur of the moment [upstairs neighbor in the house on Paramus Road]. It was nice finally getting to sit and chat with her, despite the slight strain of a first social contact. She adores Kerri, who of course was as cloyingly obnoxious as ever...It's still snowing -- the large, soft flakes -- and if we're lucky, the Center will be closed tomorrow, HO HO. It does look as though we might have up to 4 or 5 "...Talked with Sue Stember for about 1/2 hour today. She suggested that I take my ring off tomorrow nite, just to see what happens. I don't think so...Folks called; Dad will be in NY this Sunday thru Tuesday...I'm learning how to joke with Gil in the Shop...Got a card from Don -- it's the same one that Brian gave Vince!
February 6th
God am I wiped out. It's 2:45 and Tom Atkinson just gave me a ride back from Diana's party. I smoked a bit, but decided to stick with Lambrusco for drinking, which seems to have been a good idea; it's alcohol content is fairly low. That meant that I could sustain a nice, level high all night without feeling out of it. I only hope that Jack and Diana didn't feel that I was coming between them by spending the latter part of the evening with him. I really enjoyed the kidding on the sofa with John and Jack...Jack came over for stroganoff before the party. Dinner went quite well, but it really seemed odd not to have Don with us. As terrific as this socializing is (with Peter's dinner yet to come), I still will be very glad when Don gets home. (No vans came to the Center today on account of the snow.)
February 7th
This weekend, thus far, seems to me like a merry-go-round of drinking, eating and smoking. I went over Peter's for dinner tonight (in Garfield -- all by myself, in the dark -- aren't you proud of me!) and it was an unusual experience, somewhat akin to last night. I'm now seeing myself through the eyes of a number of single guys, but I can't quite get a handle on what the message is. I find myself instinctively behaving the way I do with Don, and this could be interpreted as a double-message come-on, I guess, but I can't really tell. I'd like to continue talking aobut it with Jack, John or Peter one day when we're not all stoned out of our heads...The Haven romances are interesting...Remember: Mental patient for the week on Staff Crisis call.
I really was innocent in those days. Looking back, I just enjoyed the flirting and that was it.
February 8th
Lazy day today, mostly spent straightening up and watching the Olympics. You can really get hooked on those competitions...Don called around 3; said that he spent his weekend pretty much the same way I did. On the one hand, I think it's cool that we can be hundreds of miles apart and still enjoy ourselves socially with a variety of different people, but I still don't feel comfortable when the situation involves a person whom I neither know nor trust (based on past experience). I do trust Don not to willingly hurt me, but I think I would've felt better if he had shared his thoughts of seeing her before he left home. I guess that once you've been burned you tend to keep a way eye on that flame...
I wonder what would have happened back then if I had learned to listen to my gut.
February 9th
Interesting day...Dad called this morning from the big city where he's attending a Shoe Show. He didn't have much to say (other than about the bomb scare in the Coliseum!) but it was good hearing from him anyway...I somehow wound up discussing my feelings about Don's visit to Sharon's with Al and Phyllis. Al said that his wife, Grace, would never have permitted him to be away that long, much less visit an old girlfriend. They seem to think my anger is justified...Bob moved out today, and the desk is mine -- what a hollow "victory"...Mary Ann came over for dinner this evening. She really does remind me a lot of me and I enjoyed talking at length with her. Found out that Mary Ann Collopy and John C. are engaged, and that Marty is a playboy!
February 10th
Well, tomorrow's the day! As excited as I am to see him again, I realized today that this Sharon business has not been resolved yet. I decided to talk further with Al about it, as his early marriage to Grace and current involvement in both school and work are very similar to our situation. He understands me well enough to know that I feel uncomfortable unless I'm in "control" of whatever's going on, and he emphasized the importance of communicating needs, regardless of whether they're "right" of "wrong". Don and I have some catching up to do on where we are...Saw Jackie on the news tonight and got a terrific urge to call her. She sounded just like the old Jackie and reminded me of the value of long-time friendships.
February 11th
What can I say -- He's back and everything is OK...I got a shit-load of work dumped on me today -- 10 hours a week of testing, the monthly Level of Service report and I also found out that next Wednesday I'm due up at Greystone. John Culleny is having another foot operation and will be out at least 3 weeks, so they're rotating us all as fill-ins...Met with Al this morning about the testing, and the conversation drifted into the area of his therapy sessions with a variety of individuals. He was loose, relaxed and thoroughly enjoyable...Even Brian is back to teasing me...Wayne's gonna try and dry out this time cold turkey. The hospital thing didn't work out 'cause they wanted him off all meds. I wish him luck.
February 12th (Lincoln's Birthday holiday)
The last thing I feel like doing right now is writing in here, but I don't want to set up a precedent by skipping a day...I'm coming down now off a marvelous high, induced by alcohol, a beautiful day, and Moby Don. Being with him was an incredible experience -- we were almost like recently-introduced lovers in terms of our enjoyment of each other. I know that this state can't last (certainly tomorrow will bring the intrusion of reality) but I do wish that we could stay on this "honeymoon"...Visited Peter (and Barbara) and Sue and Joyce today during our cruise about town. After all these months, the casual social intimacy is sure enjoyable...Got Kerri her rabies shot...Ate dinner at "Berta's Chateau" for 2 1/2 hours. Beautiful.
Days like this were wonderful/horrible. Knowing that we could be so good together and then having to weather his emotional storms was really hard.
February 13th
This is being written on the 14th, rather than today, as I was too pissed off at normal writing time to put anything down. (Please excuse errors as I'm quite stoned at the moment.) Don and I had a small tiff before bedtime, of no real consequence, except to make clear that the honeymoon is definitely over...Work was crazy today, even more than usual. That stupid Level of Service report gave me the usual headache, and the combination of Gil's piano-playing and Vincent's declarations of love for Phyllis drove me up the wall...Saw "The Taking of Pelham 123" on TV. Terrific suspense film...Mom called earlier to find out about Don's trip...had Fungu for dinner...Sayonara!
As I recall, Fungu was tacos without the shells.
February 14th (Valentine's Day)
Boy am I zonkered! We got the stuff from Diana this evening and tested it out in the form of brownies. Took an hour and a half to get going, but WOW -- who could ever imagine having trouble understanding "Old Yeller"?...Went rug shopping at Garden State Plaza. Didn't come up with anything exciting, just some Jean Nate and several books...I watched the 100th Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden on TV. Fascinating. Best in Show went to a Lakeland Terrier, a rather rare breed in this country...Bonanza's back on -- at least on Saturday's!...Don't feel like food shopping tomorrow, but we could really use the food HO HO. Same with the other household responsibilities.
February 15th
"Sunday, sweet Sunday
with nothing to do..."
-- Flower Drum Song
There was enough to do today alright, but who the hell felt like doing it? We went food shopping this morning (and if that dog doesn't stay off the top of the sofa, I'm going to kill her) and Don left for Stevens after lunch. [He used to study at Stevens Tech for his Ph.D] Betty had some loud, restless company which made napping impossible, so I just read and watched highlights from this, the last day of the Olympics. In the middle of my ice cream sandwich, who should call but the Macklers! Jeff had called just a short time before them to see if he could come up the weekend of his b-day. The Macklers want to stay for a week in May. Other news: Tar Heels are 3rd in the country and Alison (from UNC) may be pregnant inadvertently.
February 16th (George Washington's Birthday Holiday)
Well, whaddaya know -- high again. We had today off from work, and the last thing I expected was to end up smoking. Morning and afternoon were routine enough -- cleaning, vacuuming, budgeting, etc. But in the middle of preparing tuna curry casserole, Peter calls from the Rap Line, invites himself to dinner, and shows up with some Baskin & Robbins. Seems he felt really good from his weekend of camping, and really lousy from his break with Barb. Except for "All in the Family", which hit a little close to home, I think a good time was had by all...Budget planning turned out well in terms of prognosticators for an organ, new car, baby and vacation. All in due time, of course, but for the first time they seem like they're within the realm of possibility.
February 17th
Had that unbelievable headache all night so I decided to stay home today and try to ward off the dreaded flu bug, if that's what's coming (God forbid). So it was a quiet day. Don called twice, Brian once (returning my morning message), Alyce once and Breskow. Mr. Insurance would would like us to join him again this Tuesday evening for dinner in the city. I'm going to try to make it this time...Not much to say about the day since I slept so much. I even missed the Tuesday evening programs (sleeping with Don's wool hat pulled down practically over my eyes; he wanted to make sure that my head would stay warm). Sometimes his home remedies get really strange, ya know?
February 18th
What a nite. Don and I talked until 1:00 with some pretty good results. ...Felt proud of myself this evening -- read an entire Cue magaine cover to cover! Am beginning to feel the need to expand our interests into more "intellectual" areas...Raffled off a pocketbook today during Shop's afternoon break. I think the clients really appreciated my generosity, although for my part I wasn't giving up much. Anyway, it was a good feeling to do that for them...Wrote a letter to ol' Judy in the Sky. Should be neat to get together after 5 years, but a little weird, too.
February 19th
Sleepy. Stayed up to watch "The People's Choice Awards". Boy do I love movie stars...Had an "interesting" experience today. I got a ride home with Jack and on Century Road, near the cemetary, his car (you guessed it) rolled to a stop, out of gas. We ended up walking through the tombstones toward a patrol car and the squishy ground and fresh dirt was so eerie...Our poor Vega is in the shop again. Got a ride to work this morning with Vince...had an hour and 1/2 session with Rocco today over the Forer. What a fascinating test. However, even though the testing and evaluation program seems to really be getting off the ground, my salary won't. Seems that I'm at the top of my range with no position expansion possible. Darn...Ate at Tom Sawyer's tonight and Don cut out most of the train lay-out.
February 20th
You'll never believe what that son-of-a-bitch Brian did today. I needed a ride to the Center and when I called to ask if he could possibly come get me he told me that I had "a helluva nerve asking people to come pick me up". Can you imagine? That fucking bastard. I wish I had the gazuzis to tell him what I think of him, but I don't want to get involved in his self-righteous accusations...Al's wink is sexy; wish he'd pay more attention to me...The Schlengers gave us a surprise call at our respective jobs today and took us out to dinner with the Matwes'. Bunny and Jake went to a Marriage Encounter session last weekend and you really can tell...Jake thinks I should ask Esser to sponsor a grant for my organizational counseling...On call this week. Feels weird to have to tell the Rap Line where I'm going.
In retrospect, I was wrong -- I really did have a helluva nerve calling Brian for a ride. What did I expect him to do -- leave the Shop? But, I was young and had to learn the ropes.
February 21st
"Listened" to records tonight. A high evening was nice after a kind of do-nothing day. Did a little reading, mostly slept. Picked up the car this morning -- choke had to be repaired to the tune of $11. I guess we shouldn't complain though. It certainly could be worse...Wish I had a cold cut sub now (even though I don't know where I could put it after the nuts, cheese dip and applesauce). [Somebody obviously had the munchies.]...As we all know, next week should be a corker. I wonder if Brian and I will have it out...Motorbikes in the park again. Wthe cops would put up a sign...Mom called today. She has a chest cold and Papa's in the hospital with pneumonia (not serious, though). Remind me to write down our intinerary.
February 22nd
"The Last Detail" is on TV but I think I'd better get myself some extra sleep if I'm gonna get through tomorrow. With Al and Phyllis away, Brian at Greystone and Vince in Day Care, I'll have my work cut out for me...Forgot to mention yesterday about my talk with Barbara Berg's mother about Marriage Encounter. She sounds just like Barb, and encouraged us to come over and talk with her and her husband about the group. We may even consider participating ourselves...Never did mention in here about Pepe being put to sleep. Guess I didn't want to think about it...Saw a very good, moving film this afternoon, "Captains Courageous". Don and I both cried...Tried to put the dining room table together this morning -- sure isn't constructed very well. Will need some work. [That same dining room table lasted us over 30 years.] Got Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch.
February 23rd
Pretty good day all in all...Vince finally finished my chart. It really is fascinating. I'm not too sure, though, about those parts dealing with my supposed difficulty in sometimes empathizing with my spouse. That bit's hard to identify with...Made an appointment at Elizabeth Arden's for March 26 at 9 AM. Wish me luck!...Speaking of luck, I think I must've had a little today in the Shop. It really went well, in spite of Russ' turning over the table and Monty trying to get himself fired. I'm still pissed at Al though for not being more supportive...Brian Bastard was equally cool to me upon his return from Greystone. I wonder how long this can go on...Ate lunch with Barbara today (she moved into Brian's office). She reminds me a bit of Don!...Had spaghetti with clam sauce for dinner, and painted the model.
I tend to forget what I had to deal with during my tenure with Project Haven -- along with the office dynamics and politics there were crazy psychiatric patients that I had to manage, many times on my own. I'm actually very proud of myself!
February 24th
Well, the expected arrived today -- Brian and I had our blow-up. He came into my office at about 11 to tell me that my giving him the cold shoulder was affecting his work. We hollered at each other for about 10 minutes and then settled down into a reasonable, albeit frustrating, conversation. We parted at lunchtime with the understanding that we would resume our previous, month-old "working relationship". All went fine until Brian reappeared at 3, questioning an earlier contention of mine. What followed was a painful hour and 1/2 session that ended with him walking out of the room. I was angry and frustrated to the point where I almost got lost driving down to Weehawken, but the dinner with Breskow was very fine and helped to salvage the day. Talked to Sue S. later; what an ego-booster she was.
February 25th
The day started out God-awful, but improved as it went along. First off, there was no heat in the house last night and both of us slept fitfully. I tried to call Alyce about it this morning but her phone was busy for an hour and 1/2. Turns out she had pulled the plug. Next, I get in the car and it won't start -- same old problem. Furious, I managed to get it up to the gas station, where fortunately they were able to fix it (once and for all, I hope) by replacing a broken choke clip. Work thank goodness, went well. As expected, both Brian and I acted like nothing had happened yesterday afternoon...It really bugs me when certain staff members act like I'm silly to worry about the patients. Some support system Al and Phyllis left me with! (I really don't miss them all that much, though.)
February 26th
After I wrote in here last night, I went into a blue funk that I haven't completely pulled out of. This week, although not bad in and of itself, has left me emotionally and physically drained. Keeping up appearances at work is more exhausting than it might seem, and I'm just finding it difficult to spread myself around to everyone, particularly Don. Lately he's been bitching about only seeing the "Sunny As Voc Rehab Aide" leftovers and I can't really blame him. I'm also pissed at Al for his less-than-adequate handling of absence arrangements. I could really use a big upper and soon...Brian and I seem to be on old footing...Arrangements are being made for up to 80 legislators here next Tuesday!...Got an invite to a chinese dinner over Diana's on Sunday nite. Sounds good.
February 27th
Well, I think today turned out to be that upper I was waiting for. Working backwards...This evening we went out to dinner at the Rustler and saw "One Flew Over the Cuckoos' Nest". What an incredible picture. Thank goodness I had read the book, or the ending would have been just too hard to take. I think that working at Haven had a lot to do with how I viewed it...Took a run in the park with Kerri after work. Had the place to ourselves and it felt great...The Greenbergs FINALLY wrote. Can't tell you how thrilled I was! Unfortunately they weren't home when we called...I've been drafted as a Legislative Aide for next Tues. Fooey...The Shop machine arrived today! Brian and I congratulated each other on a good week.
February 28th
Looks like it's sinus-headache time again, gang. Had one all day. Naturally, as a result I didn't do too much today. Saw "The King's Pirate" (again) this morning, and watched some sporting events in the afternoon. Had lamb chops for dinner, played a little ping pong and was about to settle down on the living room floor with Don when the doorbell rang. Lo and behold, it was Jack, taking me up on my invitation to drop by someitme this weekend as Diana is away. He stayed through "West World", "The Grammy Awards" and part of Saturday Night Live...Oh yeah, we finally got in touch with the Greenbergs and they sound as crazy as ever. Just listening to Laura made me miss her even more. Sure hope they can make it up here for our 1 year anniversary of Passover!
February 29th - Leap Day
Swingin' high again, folks. Had a gluttonous evening over Diana and Sue's. The 6 of us, including Jack, gorged on Peter's chinese recipes for 5 straight hours, broken only by a magical trip to Baskin-Robbins. Oh what a night...Weather was magnificent today, high in the upper 70's. So what do you think my outdoor activity consisted of? Yup, shoveling dog shit. Now that we're living up to our end of the bargain, the Veyhls better live up to theirs...Otherwise, today we (according to schedule) cleaned up the house and went food shopping. Typical Sunday. As the weather continues to get warmer, however, I'm sure that we'll be getting into more walking and biking. NO MORE SNOW!
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