Just saw a real cute movie, "Paper Moon" on TV. It was a good nite to see it, since Don's out at the company banquet and I would have been depressed otherwise. He looked terrific in his new suit. I'm looking forward to feeling better and getting myself some new duds.
Borrowed the August issue of "Seventeen" from work, and though just about everything in it has changed, it still brings back memories. As I was telling Don, however, high school is beginning to seem as far away as Campfield and ol' Forest Garbage. I wonder why my memories appear to be som much more vivid in the fall than at any other time...My neck still bothered me more than usual today, and the therapist attributed it to the weather. Great, just what I wanted to be -- a barometer. I need to get started on that oil research in earnest. I'm beginning to feel guilty.
October 2nd
We just spent an interesting evening at Barbara's place, way out in Wanaque. And once again, the word is "strange". The house, itself, is kinda neat, all set back like it is in the woods. I especially like the garden, the quiet and the little puppies romping about. And of course, watching the fire glow in the darkness while listening to John Denver was just fantastic. But I don't know how she can live with those weirdos. I'm not sure that Barb knows, herself, and it will probably take some time before she decides if her "cabin in the wilderness" is worth all the mishegoss...Went shopping at Bloomingdale's this morning. That place is beautiful, but depressing. So many, many things that we'd like to have...Right now we just discovered that the heat seems to be busted and Don's fit to be tied.
October 3rd
Another day of crappo weather (4th in a row). On top of that it was freezing in here, so I didn't do all that much, 'cept curl up with a few old magazines. Don was cranky, with good reason I guess, but it seems inevitable that he gets this way when he's forced to spend too much time indoors. Pete saved the day by inviting us to dinner; I didn't feel like going out at first, but I'm glad he talked me into it. He made us Pina Coladas and 2 wok dishes and we both really unwound. Pete can be a real mensch when he wants to be. It was kind of weird, seeing John's old room again, but last June seems far away...Saw the rest of "Earthquake" -- dumb. "The Way We Were" was dumb, too, but oh, that Robert Redford.
October 4th
Today was Yom Kippur and it really felt odd not to be fasting. In fact, I went through a whole guilt trip, but decided that I'd better take the pills and therefore needed to eat. So, 2 years in a row the High Holidays kinda passed us by, and I regret it. I want it to be like in the old days again -- walking to B'Nai Jacob, our afternoon dinner with Nana and Papa after services, etc. Those were the days...The man came and fixed the oil burner. Thank goodness for that. Now what else will go wrong?..The volunteer stopped by this morning with one of her 3 year old twins in tow, to get briefed on the research. I could hardly concentrate, since the kid kept kicking one of the dining room chairs, but I think we've got it all set up...Talked to the folks -- Mom bought some jeans (!) and is giving me the blouse set to go with the black pants!..Dad's gonna be a lion tamer at the Chatham Club Circus party!
October 5th
It's that old "feeling strange" time again. Went to see the lawyer, Bert Siegel, today, and I feel as though we're entering the twilight zone. He believes that winning the case is a foregone conclusion -- it's just a matter of how much the payoff will be. Meanwhile, I have to see a neurologist to have my head examined (a 2 1/2 hour appt.!) Now that the pain seems to be increasing again, instead of decreasing, I'm getting into this state where I can't believe this is happening to me. It's so goddamn true that you take your health for granted...The only serious problem on the horizon right now appears to be the difficulty I'm having getting the research study done. But I'm now beginning to think about my job in larger terms, and the possibility of leaving mental health altogether for something like advertising or public relations. Surprised? More later.
October 6th
Well, I'm sitting here next to Floyd, my new, smiling, stuffed frog and thinking, "Oh shit". Don has been so wonderful that I feel guilty being depressed. Once again he went to cooking class for me, tried to get my prescription filled, and bought me Floyd and a giant lollipop...Went to the doctor's today. Saw Juliano 'cause Carrozza 'cause wasn't in. They took x-rays, prescribed Tylenol #3 and ordered 2 more weeks of PT, this time with wet heat. If that doesn't work, next comes traction... I have doctor's appointments coming out of my ears these days -- orthopedist, neurologist, dentist, optometrist. Jeesh...Barb ain't coming with us this weekend, but Rick S. is. He'll be arriving by bus from Boston Friday afternoon. Hope I make it through the trip down, ya know?
October 7th
Life certainly has its ups and downs, doesn't it? The end of August and the beginning of September was so nice, and now this. I'm beginning to think that maybe even $5000 won't cover it all. The pain was really bad today, the worst it's been so far. Alyce picked up my prescription for me and that helped somewhat, but I still couldn't get out of bed this morning, and therefore couldn't go to work. If it weren't for the market research and client questionnaire, I'd ask to be fired and collect unemployment right now, but I guess that'll have to wait. I'm just so fed up with the whole thing. I don't have the energy to see it all though, but somehow I've got to pull myself together enough with what's coming down the pike in the next 2 weeks. This weekend will be the first hurdle; hopefully Rick will serve as a buffer between Don's and my raw nerves.
October 8th
More of the same, folks. Tonite, though, we have company -- Rick. Don sure does have some strange brothers and sisters, ya know? Rick is nice enough and all, but he still seems slightly zombie-ish. I feel more comfortable with him these days, though, than I did in high school, so perhaps that's some sort of progress. Don was a busy beaver again this evening -- he brought Rick home, stopped at the cleaners, cashed a check and bought some groceries, made a Chinese dinner, picked up the slides and bathed the dog. He also shopped for a shirt and did some laundry! As for me, I went into work this morning and managed to dump most of the research load on Hilda, the volunteer. Felt kinda guilty but what else could I do?..Must do some thinking about advertising vs. a "humanitarian" field.
October 9th
Back in Balto again, and am I out of it. Treated myself to a Black Russian at The Chesapeake where we had dinner with the Schlengers. It was fun and a much needed pick-me-up. I sure am amazing when I'm drunk! The trip down wasn't too bad, except for the fact that Kerri insisted on lying on top of me for most of the ride. The weather, though, was unbelievable -- a front apparently came through (hopefully breaking up this spate of dreariness we've been having) and rained incredibly hard for awhile, then became the strangest sort of half and half; you could see patches of clear blue and sunshine through black thunderheads and low lying bits of clouds...Mom looks good -- can't wait to see her in her jeans. Jackie looks good too, and a lot taller in her new, short haircut.
October 10th
"Home again, Finnegan" (now where did I get that from?)
Answer: one of Mom's expressions
What a short "vacation". The trip seemed longer and a little less comfortable this time, even though the dog sat on Rick's lap. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, had the 3 of us been able to talk about something together, but Rick's too damn close-mouthed...The luncheon was very nice, and I really enjoyed myself up to the time I had to leave because of the pain. By an amazing coincidence, Sue had called the apt. earlier to get our NJ number, and so she stopped by after we got back. I was kinda out of it from the pain pill, so Mom and Sue did most of the talking. It was real good to see her again, though, and her pics were great...Colts clobbered the Dolphins 28 to 7.
October 11th (Columbus Day)
"I see Ohio, Columbus!"
"No, that's Columbus, Ohio"
And Hi-O to you, too. What a drag this day has been. I really must've overdone it this past weekend, 'cause this morning I couldn't even climb out of bed. The pain pill helped somewhat, but not enough. I ended up mostly sleeping and reading some Rod Serling stories, and got up just once to watch my back-to-back soap operas, "Ryan's Hope" and "All My Children". They were pretty funny today -- Mona discovered the hoax with Kitty's mother, Phoebe threatened to kill herself, Ann doesn't believe that her baby contracted toxoplasmosis, Jack may always be impotent, and Jill is pregnant with Seneca's baby. Too much, huh?..Don made a scrumptious dinner -- barbequed steak, salad, rice and a Black Russian!
October 12th
Back to the doctor's again. This morning it was the optometrist and after a 10 minute examination, he told me that my glasses are a bit too STRONG for me. How 'bout that one! I have to go back sometime soon to pick out new frames from the selection that they have there...The Vega is beginning to show signs of its age -- the pick-up is lousy, the muffler sounds like it has a hole in it, and today the horn got disconnected somehow. As Archie Bunker would say, "Whoopee do",,,Went in to the city tonight for a Hopkins Alumni crabcake dinner at Gallaghers. It turned out to be recruitment-oriented but still was quite classy and made you proud to be there. We spent most of the evening with Cecile Strauss Hanft and her husband (small world). We'll probably get together with them, and do some interviewing of applicants.
October 13th
Had the novel experience today of having my head made into a pin cushion. I went for that 2 1/2 hour appt. with Strum, and boy was he thorough. The EEG was painful, but at least it was nice knowing that I can still meditate properly if I want to. [My brain waves were so even that they thought I had fallen asleep!] Strum prescribed some muscle relaxants and said that I'd probably be feeling better in a week. Only part that bothers me is that blood test tomorrow morning. Yuck...Ford was at Garden State Plaza today. Sure wish that there was someone who I really wanted to vote FOR...Called Mosler about the advertising bit. We're supposed to get together on Saturday...Talked to Dorothy and she suggested that I check into disability before I talk to Aaron about leaving...I still feell confused about baby vs. flu shot. I think we'll try this month, and if no luck, put it off for awhile.
October 14th
What a scream. We just spent the last 45 minutes playing with Kerri on the floor of the bedroom. She's such a character, especially when she rolls the ball with her nose and climbs into that little shoebox...Went for my blood test this morning at 8:30. Enough said? The doctor gave me one of those muscle relaxants which appeared to work well, even if it's only for 2 - 3 hours at a time...May have to miss PT again tomorrow -- Don forgot that he had taken the Vega down to work after my appt. and brought home the Maverick. Swell job there, Don. Guess I'll have to wait until Monday to talk to Aaron, too. But that's probably OK since I want to find out about Unemployment and Disability first...
October 15th
Had dinner over Pete's again tonight and you know, he really IS behaving like a mensch these days. He cooked up a big batch of lasagna, with homemade coleslaw, and after dinner we looked at his slides of Israel. Nice evening...Changed my PT appt. to this afternoon and Don picked me up about 3:00. The weather was lovely and it was a pleasant outing, even though we didn't do all that much. While I was at the doctor's, Don stopped at the bike shop to check into a helmet he's been considering (wish he didn't have to ride around in Weehawken), then we picked up my clothes at the dressmaker's, got some fresh bagels and came home...Still playing around with the heating situation. Alyce claims that it's not an insulating problem, but then why does it get so hot in here? I'm not even sure that talking to Betty will help.
October 18th
Another dull day hits the dust. Let's see, what did my thrilling agenda look like? Oh yes, 9:30 this morning found me at PT, after somehow managing to get lost on the way there. Afterwards I tried to get hold of ol' Bert again, who by some miracle was in (he had just finished another court cas) and I asked him about the relative merits of unemployment insurance vs. disability. Turns out that I don't have to worry at all because PIP takes care of everything, i.e., I get full pay without working! T'ain't much, but for now I kinda like having my cake and eating it, too. So I guess I'll be hangin' round CB for awhile longer...Watched the Monday nite TV lineup, and except for "Maude", I was really disappointed. "Rhoda" stinks this season.
October 19th
And Tuesday comes and goes. Ya know, diary, you must be bored stiff these days. An exciting memoir, this is not...Well, today being Tuesday, Helen was here. Wish I hadn't been brought up to be distrustful of new maids; I even found myself checking around the place after she left. I sure love having the help, but I still don't like having someone else move around my things...First the ants, then the heat, then the car muffler, now the toilet. At least it's simple to fix, but these days it alway seems like it's SOMETHING...TV's beginning to drive me bananas -- babies, babies, babies everywhere. By the way, I'm also disappointed with "Happy Days" this season. It's become "The Fonzie Show" with no hint of the 50's motif...Wish Don knew if he could take the exam before Thanksgiving. Sure would like to have the folks up here.
October 20th
Well, at least I have something to report tonight. Went to cooking class this evening and really enjoyed myself. I was so desperate for some stimulation that I even went out in a really bad rainstorm to get there. The food, of course, was delicious (rock cornish hen with wine and cherry sauce, stuffed cabbage with plum sauce) and the company was nice...Boy am I going stir crazy. I sort-of seem to be improving but it's so hard to tell. I may know more after seeing Strum and Carozza again on Thursday and Friday. Come to think of it, this sure is a strange interlude in my life. With so much time on my hands and feeling in transition like I do, I find myself reminiscing again -- looking at old yearbooks and remembering us as we were then. I think I'm beginning to feel my age.
October 21st
Went to see Strum again this morning; had to wait a whole God-damn hour 'til he was ready for me. That's a weird place, ya know? At least he examined me again, which is more than the orthopedists do. I think I'm finally beginning to improve enough, at least, to be able to do some neck exercises that he gave me. I am beginning to feel funny, though, about being treated by 2 different doctors for the same thing...Came home and felt a little energetic, so I finished re-organizing my resume and left it on Don's desk for him to look over. Didn't get a chance to mention yesterday that Charlie Mosler left me a whole envelope of PR stuff. Sure is nice of him to go to all that trouble. there are only a few firms in the area (I really don't want to go into the city) but that's OK. as they say in the song, "Que sera, sera".
October 23rd
Pretty nice day today, except for one occurence. Don left around 10:15 to spend the day at the stadium, working on his meters. The Schlengers showed up at noon, and the 4 of us went to lunch at Tom Sawyer's. They dropped Jackie and I off here afterwards, and we proceeded to spend a quiet afternoon playing backgammon and watching TV. About 3:30 the doorbell rings and thinking that it was the paperboy, I opened it. And who is standing there but Pedro Fernandez, the guy who hit my car. I was very flustered and invited him in when he said that he needed to get some insurance information. Having just been served notice that he was being sued, he was kinda confused, and I was, too, considering Bert never told me that he was sending him a letter now. I'll have to talk to Bert about it..."Bob Newhart" was funny tonite. How often do you get to laugh out loud at a TV sitcom?
October 24th
Well, I finally exploded tonight. The pent-up feelings from 6 weeks of no physical or intellectual stimulation came forth in a volley of clothes hurled at the bedroom wall. Don and his frustration was the trigger, but it would've had to come out some time or the other. Both of us have been under so much pressure, but as is usually the case, most of the focus has been on Don's problems with coping. Well, I've been keeping it pretty much under wraps, but I've been having my share, too. The only other point I tried to make was that his distractability from his primary goals reminds me of a racehorse without the blinders on. I hope he can work on that.
Once again, I have to wonder how much difference it would have made to know that Don was coping with ADD (and to a certain extent, OCD). It certainly would have helped, but his preoccupation with himself was the factor that finally made it impossible for me to stay with him. That and the wild mood swings from fabulous to furious and the resultant emotional and physical abuse. Such a shame...
Otherwise, it was a drab, rainy day. Don went down to the stadium again, Jackie stayed until 2:00 when her folks picked her up and I made good progress going through old magazines.
October 25th
What a disaster this morning was (wrong date for PT, bump on head, car too hot to check coolant, inability to leave ring to be fixed, etc etc), but this afternoon and evening panned out well. After watching Gloria have her baby, a la prepared childbirth on "All in the Family", I listened to records for about 1 1/2 hours. The music "harmonized with my soul" and helped me to think more clearly than I've thought for weeks. I think that my mind is ready to go to town again, but it's just not sure which town...Stopped in at work, where Linda and Diane made me a very nice offer for the future -- joining their in-the-works private consulting firm. Sounds like great part-time work... I'm getting kind of tired of writing in here; it's just that I don't want to miss any of my pregnancy experience. Ho ho...Don sure was marvelous to me tonight.
Interesting how music has always been so pivotal in my life.
October 26th
Quiet day for the most part. This morning dawned bright and clear (for a change) but also cold and windy -- so windy, in fact, that I thought I'd better not subject my neck to the out-of-doors. It was probably a good decision, but these days it doesn't take much to keep me away from work...Helen came and did her usual quiet, fairly thorough job. It was nice having the company. I straightened up the bedroom and did some desk work in the morning and then relaxed in front of the tube in the afternoon. Don called, and it seems that we're going to have problems scheduling things in late November and early December. (Where the hell is fall going already?) What with his exam and seminar, Thanksgiving and the folks coming up, it's gonna take some work.
October 27th
Back to cooking class tonite -- what an experience that place is. This week's menu consisted of hula chicken, rice and almond pastries. The pastries were out of this world. I was able to do a little peeling and dicing this time, which made me feel good. Out of everyone (Nora, Abe, the Coopers, Fred, Lee, Rose and Bill), Bill has been the most considerate of my condition and I really appreciate that...It finally dawned on me that although I'm beginning to improve physically, mentally I'm not doing so hot. I know that lately I've been very nervous and cry easily, but now I'm noticing things like nightime teeth-grinding and insomnia. While it's obvious that I'm uptight with good reason these days, it bothers me that I'm not in direct touch with these feelings. Bert said to see Strum about a therapist recommendation.
This was the first time that I realized what was happening to me emotionally, but it was later confirmed by the therapist that depression is a very common symptom in the PTSD from whiplash.
October 28th
Didn't feel too well today, probably because of my period coming on. Which, of course, contributes to the general depression. It really is too much at once -- the pain, the doctors' visits, career transition, Don's exam, not becoming pregnant -- even the Presidential election gets me down. I'll be damned if I know who to vote for, and Nov. 2nd is just a few days away now. Bleech...One nice thing -- went out to lunch at El Cid with Anna, Elinor and Jo (the volunteer). It was a pleasant interlude, but God, I've gotta get out of that place. Wish I felt better already. Now I don't have even a temporary desk, and I just don't have the gazuzis to fight it any more...Record album arrives tomorrow. I could've had it today, but I didn't think I had enough money for the mailman. Dummy.
October 31st (Halloween)
Just watched a powerful 3 hours of "Life Goes to the Movies" and it really has left me with some strange feelings. On the one hand, I could watch forever scenes of young starlets arriving in Hollywood and making screen tests, and of actors and actresses attending lavish parties, but all that stuff happened before I was born. And the movies of my era, the 60's and 70's, are so violent that it's hard some times to appreciate their artistic qualities. I guess that I'm just a romantic at heart, and always will be...Today was a kind of depressing Sunday, especially for Halloween. It was damp and dreary for the most part, with Don studying away, and me being bored to tears until the paper arrived. In it I found an ad for what looks like a good PR position, so I spent the rest of the day finishing up my resume and a cover letter to send off.
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