1981 -- December

Dcember 28th

It's really frustrating to put out so much effort and have so little to show for it. Maybe it's this way with a lot of people, but I really can't see it. Don's impatience makes it harder, even though he's right in many ways. I wish I knew the answers that would make things work, in terms of my career, but they're so slow in coming. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I don't want Don to "subsidize a loss" but how do I distinguish between slow growth and a no-win situation? He claims that I'm not making money because I'm not cut out for this, but how do I know if he's right? And does it matter if he's right or wrong?

The only sensible thing to do seems to be to pursue all options at once and see what develops. I do have a goa l of "making it" with something. OS would be nice but may not be possible. I'm still not sur,. but at least by investigating other opportunities, I'll know what the whole picture looks like rather than only one piece. I'll start to arrange some informational interviews to see how marketable I am, while still trying to sell my consulting package. T'would be nice to have my fairy godmother show up, but I'm more of a realist these days. I've gotta slug this one out myself.


December 31st

Saw Mrs. Diamant this morning [my therapist]. What a help. I'm beginning to understand an operative I've had as long as I can remember: when I choose to initiate something, anything, I can usually do a bang-up job. But if someone else tells me to do that very same thing, I find myself resistant, pressured or angry. With the business and Don, it's real apparent. It's like, if he puts his 2 cents in, it's all suddenly not MINE anymore. I don't really understand the origins of this, but it seems to have carried through. I may also be holding myself back at times out of a fear of becoming successful and independent. When I think of being independent, it sounds very attractive, but Mrs. Diamant believes that I'm afraid that I'll lose something or someone if I do; that as much as Don and Dad say that they would welcome my equaling or surpassing them -- there's something else going on. All I'm conscious of is the worry that Don will always be looking beyond where we are/he is, and therefore the pressure will never let up.

My parents are more at peace now than they've ever been, and although they're basically on a maintenance routine and not living the lifestyle that we would in their shoes, they're happy in their own way. Especially under the circumstances [after my dad's heart attack]. They can appreciate each other as never before and for them, that's enough. But Don still feels uncomfortable when he looks at them -- which is actually a statement about Don and not them. At least Diamant has helped me to see that much. What I have to do is concentrate on my own definition of me. I'm looking forward to a 1982 that will bring good things to everyone. And I'm going to MAKE 1982, a special, successful year for me.