Stayed home from
June 2nd
Had a real nice evening with Don; a good antidote for the mishegoss of this afternoon. Boy do I need a vacation, and not just a 3 day job either. Going to Conn. only made it harder to get back to work today. And to think that just last week I was telling Gary T. how exciting and inspiring life on the Unit is. Well, it's not exactly boring, but unfortunately all the exciting episodes lately have been upsetting ones, e.g. Ed and the ice cream on Friday and Edwina slapping Gail today. Sometimes I really do wish that I could work in a job that doesn't play "Giant Steps" with your emotions. Then again, there are good days, like last Thursday with Phillip, but the memory of them doesn't help much when you're watching Edwina practically being held down by Gary and John. Now that she's back on Ward 11, we'll just have to see what the future brings.
June 3rd
Today, thank goodness, was pretty decent. It seemed like a couple of things combined to make it that way: Edwina wasn't brought over, Ed behaved like a mensch, Gary R. didn't come, Gary T. stayed most of the day and was in a marvelous mood. I came back early with the training group people, and asked around about the party. It seems as though most people will be coming late due to the conflict with the Montvale party and other things, but that's OK. Hope the weather holds...One of these days I'll have to talk to Jack. I kinda have been avoiding him lately, the only reason I can give him is the one about his criticizing. I hope that will make things more comfortable again, 'cause I don't want another Bill O'Donnell on my hands [he was my married marriage counseling partner in Chapel Hill, who propositioned me].I've been feeling kind of weird lately -- over-sensitive. Not irritable, just super-conscious of my body and thoughts. I wonder if it's related to going off of the pill.
June 4th
"Guess what? I think that I'm getting it! You know what...I'm not sure, but I HOPE so!" -- January 13, 1965
Thought that these words would be apropos for today's entry. Pray that I'm right (but make it hold off until Sunday!)...Had an especially nice day at work. We went to a park near Morristown and barbequed hamburgers and hotdogs, fed popcorn to the ducks and saw 3 adorable baby swans. That's my kind of day. 'Course it helped not to have Edwina the Terrible along, and according to this afternoon's discussion, she won't be back for awhile, at least until she works things out with Gail...Hope tomorrow turns out well. The weather should be good and if things go well, everything should take care of itself (ho ho ho).
June 5th
Wow -- a 12 hour party. The good time had by those who were here kind of made up for the disappointment of having so few people show up. A lot of it probably had to do with the conflict with the Montvale shindig [new residence opening up]. As for the others, well of course my paranoia tells me that it was because they didn't like me. At any rate, one finds out who one's friends are: Tom, Yvonne Merrifield, Joan, Lori, Peter, Mary Ann Schiffo, John, MaryAnn Collopy, Diana and Jack. I suppose my feelings could be hurt, or I could look at it as an enjoyable, if small, gathering. Tom and John tried to polish off the half a keg by themselves and ended up dropping off to sleep during the late movie, "War of the Worlds". (Remember: the kite landing on Kerri, pizza on the kitchen floor) Oh yeah, Yvonne say that they're going to put my proposal in the new C&E grant application!
June 6th
Not a bad day, all in all, but right now I'm pissed at Peter for the way he dropped that loaded feedback on me. I appreciate having a friend tell me things about myself that I could benefit from knowing, but I don't appreciate gross lack of tact and consideration. Maybe when Don goes away with him this week he can get that message across. They'll be backpacking either at Bear Mountain or Shenandoah, and will be gone from Wed. afternoon until Saturday. I'm really gonna miss Don...You-know-what still hasn't arrived and I'm so bloated I could scream. That bleeding was either from the infection or ovulation. One's as bad as the other now...the Veyhls invited us over to their picnic which had to be held indoors because of the rain. What a friendly group of people! We'll have to hve them over for dinner soon.
June 7th
Quickies...Went to the mall at work today and bought a pair of straight-leg jeans. The day itself was pretty quiet, owing largely I think to the absence of Ed, who had eloped to his mother's. Good riddance, I say...Ruth drives me crazy sometimes, she reminds me so much of Mom...Saw Gail's new house, off Midland Ave., on the way back to the Center. Sure hope the proximity encourages them to see more of us...I called Laura and Carl this evening and they'll definitely be coming north this summer...Also called the folks. Learned that the Shulder wedding had to be postponed as Julie is very ill and in the hospital again. Shit...Judy Lang called Mom to get our address; hope to be hearing from her soon...Don picked up the rug this evening. It looks excellent. Hope it doesn't get too dirty...Septic tank is acting up. Yuck.
June 8th
What a great experience I had today. The guy from the Seeing Eye came and his appearance was a big hit. He had a Saluki named Wren and showed a fascinating movie, after which he answered questions. My own long-time interest in the organization, combined with my (recognized) initiative in arranging the afternoon left me with very good feelings. I'm out to "top" it though, by trying to get a magician out here to put on a show. Neat, huh?
I *so* remember this. I had been fascinated by seeing-eye dogs since I was young and used to read every book I could on the subject. Now that I was in Morristown, home of The Seeing Eye, it only seemed logical that I should do something with them out at Greystone. But I can see now that I've always looked for innovative things to do with the groups I've worked with. Remember the guy I brought to Lauren's class who had been inducted into the Lakota tribe? Great memories...
At the staff meeting this morning we voted to discharge Meta as our last patient under this contract. It's incredible to see how far she's come in the relatively short period that I've been there. Makes you feel like you've really accomplished something...Called the gyno about my lateness problem and after making me swear up and down that I couldn't be pregnant, she prescribed hormones to bring it on. Hope they work right.
June 9th
It's a hot town tonite (whew!). Temps. up to 90 this week. Well, Don and Peter are in Balto. at this hour; sorta wish I was with them. I know that it's good every now and then for Don and I to be apart, but it's not much fun being the one left home. Hope he has fun, though...It's funny how things work out sometimes -- After training group today, I had to wait around for a ride home since Don had taken the car to be re-tagged this morning. Well, I felt bored and uncomfortable just standing around, so I went in to visit with Yvonne. We got to talking about my OC and she said that it's a shame that someone of my calibre is being "wasted" at Greystone, so to speak. She then asked me what I would think about being a rape counselor, if her grant comes through in July, for $10, 500! If that doesn't come through, she still wants to work with me on a separate OC proposal. Wow.
June 10th
Another scorcher, although for some reason it's bearable. Maybe I've just got a good mind set, but this morning I even managed to work out in the garden with John and Terry for an hour without feeling any negative effects. Speaking of John, the strangest thing happened last night: Around 2AM the phone rings and it's John, saying that he's responding to the note he found which said to call me as soon as he got in. Well of course I never gave anyone a message like that, but even weirder, I had just been dreaming about him when he called. What a mystery...
Not so much. ;-) It's kind of fun to see how I used my (unconscious) manifestation powers back in those days without any idea of what I was doing.
Florence can't leave the hospital for awhile, possibly not until after surgery, and now Jody has been tapped for DMR. Our census sure is shrinking...Talked to Yvonne again today. We'll be working together soon on the OC grant, but it will take a long time to pass through all the channels.
June 11th
Today was the day that reality arrived, the day that I found out that in 2 weeks I could be out of a job. It seems that if Unit A closes, Gary R. and I cannot be reabsorbed by the Center on any existing staff lines, and therefore BINGO. Of course this means that the 2 of us will be the ONLY people to be sacrificed under the new contract. Given my ability and service record, this hurts like hell, and what hurts even more is the poorly-handled way in which I was told. Gary T. should feel rotten for this one. The shock sent me reeling, and I let it all out on Mom and the Schlengers. By the time Gail stopped over this evening I was doing better, but the reality of being separated from one's social life and sense of fulfillment is still miserable. Of course, nothing's definite yet but I'm now going to put my all into pursuing a future in OC or the rape counseling.
June 12th
Weird day, probably because I'm still assimilating yesterday's news. Mom called this morning to see how I was doing, and surprisingly enough, I feel pretty good. The sense of hurt is largely gone, and in its place is a mixture of anger, self-righteousness and determination. Right now I'm determined that no one's gonna keep me down, but I'm still pissed at being shafted, however logical the reason. One nice thing that has come out of it, however, is the possibility of a real relationship with Gail and Rob when they move over here this summer. The talk with her last night made me realize how little REAL satisfaction I'm getting from our Center socializing. That realization was underscored today when Laura called from Atlanta, telling me of a similar situation that they're in. Sure wish we were together again. And speaking of that -- I miss Don.
June 13th
What started out as a very depressing day ended up pretty much alright. I woke up very down in the dumps, and although I tried to keep my mind busy by straightening up the place, I still felt low when Don came in about lunchtime. He cheered me up considerably when he mentioned the reservations he had made for August 24th [our 5 year anniversary] at Skyland [the place in Shenandoah where we went for our honeymoon], but it didn't entirely do the trick. So we went to Nico's Pier 17 for dinner, stoned at first, then drunk on top of that, and had a marvelous time (albeit a bit ridiculous). I needed that...So either tomorrow or Tuesday I confront Gary on this handling of the Friday meeting. What really hurts is the realization that I can't trust anyone anymore. As much as I need to fight for a job at Central Bergen, I don't like the idea of associating myself with people who can act the way that they've been acting ever since I came here.
I was so naive in those days. I had no way of knowing that this was "business as usual" in the workaday world and that I would be seeing a lot more of it when I started consulting for corporations.
June 14th
I'm beginning to feel like a yo-yo again -- up down up down. Today, for some reason, was an upper, and I'm really not sure why. Work was OK; Raymond's silliness had me slap-happy for awhile. He and Florence are too much sometimes. We left early to go back to the Center to hear a talk by Ira on medication, which I never got to because I had made an appt. to talk to Gary. He was sympathetic about my situation but defended his approach on Friday by informing me that if he hadn't pushed the issue at the Unit Chiefs meeting that afternoon, I might've ended up not knowing until the 25th. That much I appreciate, but I certainly wish that he could let himself be less professional at times like these...Might have dinner with Gail and Rob on Thursday. I rode back with her to Unit A to drop off Meta. Crazy, huh?...Nice evening with Don. Made some headway on the files.
June 15th
It's gotten really humid again -- yuck. We've gotta get moving on those air conditioners...Another good day, unfortunately. It would be a lot easier to psych myself out of the Unit if things were going poorly. We took a "mystery" trip to Dover for lunch (No, not Delaware). Phyllis came along this time and had an exceptional day. Now she's got her sight set on Chuck, who seems to be reciprocating a bit. Wonder what, if anything, will happen...Those hormone pills don't appear to have done anything much. I'm unhappy about this screwed-up cycle business, but I better watch it before I end up fucking it all up psychologically. The key to everything seems to be to RELAX...The Schlengers called. Jake spoke to Nagle, who's going to speak to Esser. I'd rather get things on my own merit, but I appreciate Jake's efforts to help.
In retrospect, his intervention was probably significant. I didn't understand business politics back then either.
June 16th
Guess what finally arrived. Maybe I'll be able to get pregnant one of these days after all. I really feel weird this time around; it's almost as though I were experiencing it for the first time. The cramping isn't so bad but I've got an unbelievable backache and am incredibly tense. Don has been an absolute angel. I'm not sure that I would have put up with me in this state. I hope the worst will be over by tomorrow morning. I've gotta present Phillip and Meta in Treatment Review...Today was another good one in Morris Plains. Cleaned the floor this morning and spent the afternoon out in the garden with John and Terry....Skipped the training meeting. Didn't feel like going with things still in limbo...Air conditioner's in! Wish Yvonne would be.
June 17th
Spent a horrible night, thanks to the humidity and thunderstorms, but felt better this morning. Not quite good enough to trek out to the hospital and back again, but OK enough to make it to Treatment Review. Talked with Yvonne afterwards. She loaned me a copy of the rape grant so that I might pattern the OC one after it. Yvonne's kind of strange. She confides in me quite openly, but I'm never sure what about...Speaking of strange birds, there's Gail Levenson. she and Rob came over for a barbequed chicken dinner that was pretty nice. I can't quite place Gail, though; I still keep relating to her as I do at work and it's not all that comfortable. I wish I knew why. They're both fun and the evening never seemed to drag, but I felt self-conscious. Maybe I've got her stuck on a pedestal or something. She just seems so much older and straighter than anyone I know.
June 18th
Boy have I been feeling lousy lately -- headachey, crampy, nauseous. Left the Unit early today when Ira went back to the Center. Just couldn't face the prospect of a hot, humid picnic with cold cuts and a bunch of dead-heads, especially after having taken Meta over to the Clinic for a blood test. Loverly...Back in Paramus, I showed Yvonne my OC notes. She suggested that I begin by collecting letters demonstrating a need for the service. The whole process is going to take a long time, but I'll be famous yet!
To whomever may read this in future years: Never, ever give up on your dreams. :-)
This evening, Don's friend, Joyce from work, came over with a friend to see our slides of England. They've been there before, briefly, but are now planning to go back in a few weeks and rent a car to really see the area. They were pleasant company and made me feel especially good by complimenting me on my green thumb and on the warmth of the living room.
June 19th (Kerri's birthday)
I think I'm going through a minor depression again, somewhat like the one a few months ago. I can be energetic or cheery for a little while, but then I feel pooped. I hate myself when I'm like this, but I know that I just have to wait for it to pass. It's no fun being a drag...A couple of nice things: Mom sent me the music and I spent some time fooling around with the new songs. Jack stopped by, unannounced, and we had a nice talk. We even discussed (finally) my recent avoidance of him and straightened the whole thing out...Don went on a long bike ride with Renee (from the girls'house). I'd really like to get a bike soon so's we can "recreate" more together...Read a book this morning about young summer romance that was actually very well-written. Sure made me think about the old days. Also increased my desire to share more of my inner self with Don and vice versa. Hope we can make the effort to do it.
June 20th
Kind of a lackluster day, but less depressing than yesterday. We slept a little later than usual this morning and then ended up watching almost all of "Wonderama". What a terrific little show. Bob McAllister, the host, obviously has a lot of respect for kids ("Kids are people, too!") and his crew has put together an enjoyable 2 and 1/2 hours.
Afterwards, we put up Don's pix and the clock in the dining room and then just cleaned and screwed around for the rest of the afternoon. We got through some more of Don's files, his top desk drawer and couple of slide boxes. The progress felt good, but there's so very much more to do. And I could've done without getting that piece of taco stuck in my throat. At any rate, I really can't complain about today, but tomorrow and all of this week is another matter. (Dear God, don't let it be Unit A's last)...May have to send my camera in for repairs. It's slanting to the left.
June 21st
God what a day. It started off with a miserable bang when I found out about Friday's Unit A meeting that I missed. At that time it was announced that the Unit would definitely be closing down as of the 25th, that there would be no liason workers other than Gwen Cole and that Gail would assume my old position in the Shop while John would do random maintenance work. Nice Monday morning surprise, huh? The patients took it well, except for Cliff and Jody, and at least we have the satisfaction this week of seeing Meta, Florence and Phillip leave. And Doris has even consented to come look at the Center tomorrow! After work, I saw Yvonne, Gary, Al & Bill Bailey, in that order, trying to find out where I report to work next week. Nobody really knows what the hell is going on, except that I get my notice on Friday and may end up driving the vans next week. (UGH!) Have an appointment with Esser on Wednesday.
June 22nd
I still feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone, neither here nor there. Not that the days are necessarily bad now, just weird because of the uncertainty of everything. Today I spent my time with Doris Darby, showing her the residence (Montvale II) and the Center. I really think that she liked what she saw, but is still resistant to leaving the hospital because of her eye condition. It actually is a matter of pride more than anything else; she doesn't want to have to depend on other people. I sure wish we had more time to work with her...Still can't adjust to the idea of leaving Haven. I really will miss working with the patients (the group I was so afriad of when I first came here!)...Must have that Phil Och's song, "Changes". Gives me chills...Well, we took the plunge and put NJ tags on the car and got it inspected. Thank you, Don.
June 23rd
Strange day, and boy do I mean STRANGE. For all practical purposes we closed down the Unit, a very depressing experience to say the least. We were supposed to hang in there until Friday, but it would've been like prolonging the death throes. There are things that I'll miss, but all in all, I think the time has come for a change.******
I drove home with John and we took a detour to his apartment, shocking both of us. It was a crazy, spontaneous act linked to the ending of an era. No excuses, no regrets. For me, it was a validation of the fact that I was not at all frigid like I was accused of being. I experienced myself that afternoon as lovely and sexy and desired -- everything I yearned to feel. Remember that day in junior high when I didn't allow myself to walk all the way home with Stuart Wiles? Well, Mom, this time I did. :-)
Back at the Center I managed to grab a few minutes with Esser. He told me, as expected, that the Center could not support me in the manner to which I had become accustomed, but that there is the possibility of putting in some time at the minimum wage. Afterwards I talked with Dorothy, who for some inexplicable reason is anxious for me to help her out with her grantwriting. So for the next 2 weeks at least, and probably longer, I'll be spending a good bit of time at 18. That is, in between driving the van, which is another story. Wish that didn't scare me so much.
June 24th
Well, today I got *officially* shafted, meaning I received my termination letter from Gary. Things being what they were, it was still a pretty nice letter, and he even took me into the privacy of Ira's office to ask me about my future plans. Son of a gun. Actually, the only thing that's really bothering me now is the way I'm getting used during these final 2 weeks. They did manage to stick me with the van driving and although I now believe that I can do it (at least I HOPE I can), I'm still pissed at the situation. Especially since Gary R's getting off scott-free. Today we sat around in Day Care, trying like mad to complete that label contract. There was some pleasant comaraderie, but I never did feel completely at home there.. .Yes, it's time to move on...
June 25th
Well, I think the day ended up better than it started out. I did the morning van route with Hal, who unintentionally managed to get me all mixed up. By the time we had been back at the Center for a little while I was feeling used through and through, and was ready to make an early exit. Vince saved the day though, by 1 - reacting very favorably to my guest speaker suggestion (and saying that he'd mention it to Esser) and 2 - reminding me of my natal chart and assuring me that bigger, better and more stable things are on the way. Worked on the label project most of the afternoon. (God, Florence is a pisser). Left around 2 for home, after discovering the large amounts of time that I need to use up, and spent some time talking with, and showing slides to Alyce...The Schlengers came around dinnertime; haven't changed a bit. Had Italian food for dinner and took a ride. Jackie's staying over.
June 26th
We finally went swimming! Accepted Ruth Ann Gotliffe's invitation and spent the afternoon lounging by their lovely pool. It was all so delicious that I've just gotta have one when we have a house. What a way to perk up the summer...Wish Jackie wasn't so quiet and shy. I know there's a real person lurking underneath there somewhere...Went to see "That's Entertainment", Part II" with Jackie and Nancy this evening. It wasn't as good as the first one, but still, a pleasant way to cap off the day. Nancy doesn't have a job for the summer yet, so I expect to see a good deal of her (and her pool) in the next few months...Next Sunday we're supposed to join the Schlengers in the city to watch "Op Sail" with 5 million other people. It oughta be crazy. I keep telling myself "You're only gonna see the nation's 200th birthday party once", but I dunno...
June 27th
Dum da dum dum -- tomorrow's the day I start driving the van. WISH ME LUCK!..Felt like having some company this morning so I called up Barb and Renee and invited them over for a blueberry pancake breakfast. The Schlengers had called to say that they wouldn't be picking Jackie up until the afternoon, so it was the 5 of us. Midway through breakfast preparations, though, we blew a fuse and I had to go out chasing one down. Couln't come up with anything but luckily Mr. Sciara (next door) had one he could spare. We made plans to go down to Hoboken later this week for some seafood... By the way, did I mention that the buffet finally came to town? Well, it did and is due to be delivered sometime this week. They say miracles do happen.
June 28th
Strange evening. I'm starting to feel up down up down again after a week of being pretty good. I think the fact that my birthday is next week may have a lot to do with it. I sure would love some sort of surprise party, especially since it would come at the end of my last official week with Haven. But it isn't something that I could or would push for. You know how it is...Well, driving the vans represented the toughest trial in my Haven career, and I think I passed today. I did both runs beautifully, managing not to get lost until I had dropped the last patient off. Let's hope it goes this well for the rest of the week...Spent some time with Dorothy this afternoon. She's the first administrative person at CB I've met who's been a real mensch. Good things are in the works...Peter's over and it's thunderstorming.
Driving the vans was one of the major accomplishments of my life and I am so proud of that. It was enough of a challenge to tackle the highway in a strange, over-sized car, but I did it with a bunch of schizophrenics in the back, all by myself! I gained a lot of confidence from this experience and realized, in retrospect, that you can run, but you can't hide. The Universe will always give you the opportunity to face your fears and move on.
June 29th
Right now I feel irritable and angry again even though the day went fairly well. It's obvious that I'm coming off that week-long high and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it. An extra bit of love, approval and/or appreciation would be welcome right now...Stayed home this morning -- managed to get through one and 1/2 of the library cookbooks. Think I'll try something new tomorrow...Had an hour and some lunch with B. Berg and Joan. A nice, lazy summer's day conversation between 3 girls...("Never Gonna Fall in Love Again")...Driving the van is a snap, as well as a real pain in the ass. I wouldn't even mind if I only had to do one run, but the 2 of them, covering the same territory is too much. Oh well, only a few more days...Tomorrow -- back to work on Peter's charts and the proposal.
June 30th
And the saga of "Sunny Also Rises" continues. Today the heroine of our story discovers that if she is taken on by Central Bergen, her real new boss will be Aaron Rubin! Turns out that both Yvonne and Dorothy are working under him and that whatever I end up doing, or whomever I end up working with, I'll be reporting directly to the head of Community Affairs himself. Both he and Esser are interested in multi-talented people who can bring money into the Center, and hopefully I may be that girl. To prove it, I'm gonna have to work my tail off. Hope I've got what it takes to be Somebody!..Watched a neat happening on TV tonight -- "Swan Lake" performed live from the Met, with the music being simultaneously broadcast over FM radio. Magnificent...I've been thinkin' -- watching all the problems with Haven lately, especially with John and Barbara -- maybe it's good I'm getting out now.
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