1972

(from "Personality in Autobiography" class)

For the summer of 1970, I had hoped to get an assistantship at the Richards Center for Emotionally Disturbed Children, but was told at the last minute that due to financial reasons, they were unable to hire new employees. So, in June of 1970, I faced the prospect of a jobless summer. I now know that it's foolish to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I had almost been PROMISED that job, and as a result, I hadn't filed any other applications. I was willing to do almost anything that didn't involve standing on my feet all day (my feet are not cut out to be the feet of a cashier) but all of my dialing through the yellow pages was to no avail.

Shortly thereafter, as luck would have it, Don's father informed me of a temporary opening in the Accounts Payable section of the Controller's Office here at Hopkins (Mr. Schlenger was, at the time, Associate Controller). The job involved filling in for an elderly lady who was ill and whose responsibility it normally was to type checks. The women in my section (there were 7) were practically all middle-class widows, gossipy but kind. They sort of adopted me, being as I was the youngest member of their group, and I fit comfortably into the daily work routine. The two weeks were soon up, but I found that I was able to stay on by virtue of the fact that the woman whom I had temporarily replaced had decided to retire.

At first the weeks zoomed by, but then I began to tire of doing nothing but typing checks all day and every day. It was the kind of task that was routine enough so that I didn't have to concentrate too intently, but at the same time I had to pay enough attention to keep from making careless errors that would necessitate voiding the check. The other women didn't seem to mind the unvarying tediousness of their work, but I found myself growing nervous and disturbed as my mind kept reaching out for some sort of stimulation. I didn't know whether I was reacting normally or not (after all, the people sitting around me seemed to be relaxed enough) but after a period of time I began to be irritable and unhappy around my family and friends.

I couldn't seem to think clearly at all -- I went through the motions at work each day, but try as I might, I just couldn't fit it all into an irrelevant corner of my mind. Things finally got to the point where I actually feared for my sanity if I had to type just one more check, and this may have been the closest I've ever come to a nervous breakdown. I've shut much of this experience out of my mind so I can't recall exactly how I felt, but I do remember speaking to my supervisor about the possibility of varying my work occassionally. She readily agreed (although she had not been aware that there had been a problem) and the last week or two of work was a little better. My co-workers were so wonderful to me that I felt guilty about my problem untilI realized that I had, after all, done a good job and that they just happened to be more cut out for this type of thing than I.

Unbelievable as it may sound, the summer of '71 found me back in Accounts Payable. Much had transpired since the year before, and the new turn of event promised to make the 12 weeks at least tolerable, if nothing else. Don and I had made plans to marry in August, and I had been accepted in JHU as a transfer student, so I was now participating in a work-study program. With our wedding to look forward to, and so many tings to do (including 2 summer session courses) I was able to adjust to the old check routine.

 However, the summer months brought a reorganization of the department, a state of affairs that was displeasing to many of the people involved. A new tenseness accompanied the move from out tiny, intimate office into the more spacious quarters of Garland Hall. During this time I began to consider the possibility of becoming a secretary in the Psychology Dept. I had heard that there was a position available, and I very much wanted to get involved in the department of my major. I thought that I would finish out the summer in Accounts Payable and then see if they would still need me in the fall. I dicussed it with my supervisor and she said that they wouldn't -- another student was planning to stay on. So two weeks after the start of the fall semester, I began my work as a Psychology Department secretary. The pay's pretty good, the hours are swell, and I think that for the most part I'm a very lucky girl.

I don't think that my work record is in any way unusual, although I did have demonstrated to me, rather dramatically, that I require some sort of variety, purpose, or interest in what I do. I realize that much of the work we engage in during our lifetime is dull and routine, but certain people are just better suited for certain jobs. Secretarial work is largely routine in that I mostly type letters, stuff envelopes and file folders, but at least I do some of each only a few hours a week, and the work itself is rewarding because I enjoy helping to keep the wheels of my department rolling.

I need to work towards a goal -- certainly not monetary -- but one that I can eventually reach and then look back to see what I have accomplished. At Rosewood, I could help to make a child smile, and even now I can know the satisfaction of a deadline met or a well-typed manuscript. Typing checks however, although it obviously must be done, is not for me. There's no real beginning to a pile of them, no real end, and only dull repetition in-between. I'm glad I had the experience, though, because I was involved in a working world where life runs along at a different pace and where people pick up their work at 8:30 in the morning and leave it again at 5:00PM. It provided an "interesting" insight.

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The people that I admire now are usually extroverted philanthropists who are old enough and accomplished enough to be able to tell everyone to go to hell, but still are warm-hearted enough to want to contribute somehow to the disadvantaged of the world. I think that's really a cool way to be.

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Religious beliefs play only a small part in my daily life. I do pray to God when I'm frightened or concerned about someone else, but when I do, more often than not, I feel guilty that I'm just using Him. I feel secure in my faith, though. My conception of God is that of a principle of unity operating in the universe; I don't tend to personify Him as such, but I believe that SOME force, SOMEwhere, SOMEtime had to start the ball rolling. I believe in fate -- that events are laid out on a certain path, and what is meant to be will be, but trying to live a good life and being thankful for your blessings are still important (and perhaps influential).

Since it is doubtful that I shall learn in my lifetime whether or not in fact we are the puppets of a race of giant beings, I can only assume that because we exist, there is a meaning in our existence. The meaning may be apparent only to us individually in that each of us has the ultimate responsibility of filling the hous, days and years of his/her (brief) stay on this planet. Whether we choose to just live in the moment or to leave a humanitarian mark on society will depend on what each of us considers to be the purpose of his/her own life.

My own belief is sort of a combination. I believe that we are created in a certain mold with a certain amount of free will. That is to say, we are born with the capacity to develop within the particular limitations of our own personality and environment. To accept the premise that man is a creature of some value, if only by virtue of the fact that he does exist, is to say that each and every life is valuable. therefor it is most desirable to develop in ways that will contribute to the common good and well-being of mankind, and we can do this by developing our own individual potentials.

Hillel the Elder said:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
and if not now, when...?"

My own philosophy is basically this, and I know of no better way of saying it.

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My preference in books is relatively diverse: I enjoy historical novels, biographies, westerns, romances and science fiction. I'm also very prone to re-reading children's books.

Listening to music has also been a favorite hobby of mine. My earliest memories in this area are of story-telling records that I would play over and over again on a little phonograph. For my 7th birthday, I received a record player with a 45 RPM spindle, and a recording of "Peer Gynt in the Hall of the Mountain King", plus some current rock'n'roll hits. My Bat Mitzvah brought with it the gift of a stereo from my three aunts, and I had the Beatles first album blaring out of it night and day. I have a pretty fair collection of records; music has always had the power to both relax and inspire me and I associate quite a few memories with particular songs. I don't care too much for opera or country and western style music, but I do like listening to classical, popular, folk and hard rock.

My most absorbing hobby was making collections. Before I organized my possessions into several scrapbooks, I had drawers filler with sugar packets from restaurants, postcards, sea shells, buttons, magazine clippings, comic strips and you name it. One of my proudest achievements is my 3 scrapbooks -- neatly organized and labeled, containing an exhaustive record of my life from age 12 to 20. I also have kept my collection of pictures in photograph albums and a notebook of all my creative writing.

I don't think that I was a "loner" when I was a child and adolescent but I did spend a considerable amount of time absorbed in my own personal activities. Looking back, it seems to me that I never required the constant companionship and external stimulation that so many of the kids in my neighborhood did. They must have thought me to be a little strange on the occasions when I refused their company, but I don't remember ever being really disturbed by it.

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If I remember correctly, my earliest ambition was to be a veterinarian. I've always loved dogs and other animals and I hoped to have a career where I could be in constant contact with them. In 6th grade I decided that I would become a journalist. I was writing quite a bit at that time and had dreams of free-lance contributions to prestigious publications. By the time I was 14, I had developed an interest in television and travel, and thought that I might go into the field of advertising. But at 16 I entered our family counseling sessions with a psychologist and was terrifically impressed with the way she interacted with us. I decided that some form of psychology was the career for me and have never doubted my choice.

My parents have always emphasized to me the importance of being happy with the life style that I choose to adopt. They've said that money is important, but only in terms of the security it provides for you in time of need and for the additional pleasures in life that it allows you to enjoy. I believe that this approach is very sensible. If I found 2 million dollars in my mailbox tomorrow, I wouldn't argue about it, but I'm under no illusions about money bringing happiness. It just ain't so.

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I believe that homosexuality is an illness and as such should not be punishable under law. I disagree with Gay Liberation's contention that it is "normal" sexual behavior, but if a man or woman is unable to change their sexual orientation (or does not desire to) then he/she should be allowed to pursue their own interests, provided of course that they use discretion. I'm not about to advocate legislation of what people should or should not do in their own homes.

It's interesting to read this today to see where I started from...

***************************

Don and I first met in Yearbook class when I was a junior and he a senior, and it was entirely a matter of fate. I had signed up for yearbook the year before, but so did quite a number of other kids and in this case being selected was entirely up to chance. The selection process was simple: as the sophomores on the list were, for the most part, unknown to the editor, he would pick them in almost a random fashion. When I received my letter of acceptance (I should've only known that the author of the letter was to be my future husband!), I had no idea how close I had come to actually being  rejected. Don later told me that the first time he had gone through the list, he had skipped my name, "Sonia Plaine", because it sounded too weird, but the second time around he decided that it was "interesting".

The first time I recall noticing Don was when I inquired about the possibility of a ride with him to the first Saturday meeting of the Northwest Tutorial Alliance at JHU. I had originally asked the head of the tutorial project if he knew of anyone who could give me a lift and he told me that Don was driving that day. He pointed him out to me in the crowded room and over I went. I gave Don my address and was surprised that he knew where it was, not being aware at the time that he lived in the same general vicinity as me.

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In light of Don's family situation, it's not difficult to see the origins of many of his problems. And one might notice a similarity between the relationship between Don and his mother, and that of my father and his mother. I wondered if I was adding substance to the idea that girls tend to marry men like their fathers.

I've realized, though, that certain problems in life are here to stay and one just has to face that fact. Hard work doesn't always have its just rewards and wishing doesn't make it so, either. I'm trying to cope and have found that the "Serenity Prayer" of Alcoholics Anonymous pretty much sums up where I'm at:
"God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference."

***************************

I have a lot of faith in my powers of intuition. I believe that my thinking is above average in originality, imaginative resources and creative ability, but not superior in any way.

I don't believe that I've utilized my intellectual capacities as much as I'm capable of doing in relation to work and school activities. Maybe my drive to excel should be stronger. I believe that I study well but perhaps I should put more effort into it and not be satisfied with a B when I think I'm capable of getting an A.

I'm interested in a number of different fields but I haven't really engaged actively in them. I mostly learn through reading and discussion. I don't know whether or not I prefer a reasonable amount of knowledge of many things or a highly specialized knowledge of a single field. I think it's important to have both.

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When I was about 14, I decided that I was wasting too much time regretting actions or events that had already past, so I devised my own little rule, "Never say, 'If only...'" and I've attempted to follow it. When something's done, it's DONE and the best thing to do is just to try and avoid making the same mistake again. In other words, "no regrets".

****************************

I don't normally go around ASKING for praise or approval but I think that I need a fairly large amount of it to compensate for my insecurity and fear of criticism. I used to think that I was a failure if everyone didn't approve of me, but I think that I'm past that stage now. oO course I like others to think well of me, but unless they're people whom I truly respect, I can live without their approval. I know that by my 20th year I should have a pretty fair idea of what I'm good at, but there are times when having someone tell me that I'm good makes it more believable.

The primary virtues that I demand of myself are patience, persistence, unselfishness and promptness. I like other people to have a basic sense of integrity and to be unselfish, prompt and honest.

******************************

I learned, in this project, that I am a product of many influences, several of which I had not considered previously. I've become more aware of my potential for achievement in terms of intellectual capabilites and I'm determined now to take positive steps in that direction. I've seen that I must battle the negative influences of my over-sensitivity and tendency toward over-anxiousness so that I won't be forced backwards into a self-consious passivity. I've also recognized that cause and effect is not always a simple one-to-one relationship; the number of variable makes for a complex but interesting analysis.

1982 -- January

January 1st

This feels weird. I mean, how many times in the course of growing up have I started out a new year in a diary. I'm not sure if I really want to keep this up, but right now it seems nice. Just got a little insight I wanted to put down before I forget. It occurred to me that tomorrow, a year ago, we set off for our sailing trip in the Bahamas. It seems like yesterday. Anyway, that reminded me of Don's mention of his enrolling in the New York sailing School and/or scuba diving and my reaction to that -- which was negative. I just realized why. Part of me want to do those very same things, but I'm not ready yet. And I'm afraid of being left behind. I won't stop Don, but I wish he would have waited for me. It would be nicer all around.





January 2nd

"Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose."
How true. Things ARE changing, and it's obvious, but somehow still the same. Don and I have a much better dialogue going -- he's able to listen more openly and I'm willing to share more when I feeling tentative or vulnerable. but it's important to remember/realize/accept that he'll always be basically Don and I'll always be basically me. However, even just verbalizing my new understanding of the effect of his input ("staking a claim on MY initiative") has been very helpful. I can see what I'm doing, AND act on it AND tell him about it at the same time. Feels good.

Speaking of MY initiative, I'm determined to land a contract to pay for a vacation. Whether Don suggests it, demands it, or ignores it. How about that?


January 3rd

I'm sitting here at Peter and Anita's. The guys are in the kitchen cooking and the smell of garlic and ginger is in the air. The warmth of the wood stove fills the room, along with the strains of Pachelbel. It's a good feeling, this being with friends in such a homey, comfortable setting, as the rain beats softly against the window...


January 4th

Forgot to put down my New Year's "Desires":
- keep more up-to-date on cards, letters and local "catch-up" calls
- schedule one "new" activity a month with Don; alternate responsibility
- schedule more social activities ahead of time
- experiment with cookbooks; try for 1 new dish a week
- concretize more personal objectives -- use them to keep up spirits and energy level

I still don't knw why I'm writing in this book. I like the idea of preserving a "snapshot of the mind" for the future; maybe that's why I find the idea of collecting old diaries and letters (antiques) so attractive. On another tack: I'd like to get better at understanding and implementing the concept of balancing being good to myself and hard on myself; when to pamper and when to pressure. I'm not really satisfied with the quantity or quality of either. And I know that they're both important. Don seems to have the same problem. My short bath this afternoon served to freshen me up and make me feel better. I don't like the fact that I feel guilty about it. Is the concept of "earned" always valid?

My side still hurts and it's been 5 days of discomfort. Why are so few things straightforward?


January 5th

Started my new cold-call program today and it felt great. New system, quotas, motivation and enthusiasm. Forcing myself to do it is as hard as it ever was, but my new goal sign says: ONE CONTRACT = ONE VACATION and it's making a difference. Also, talking to Maria Czin was helpful. Hearing how other people bounce back from constant rejection is good for me...Wish I didn't get so hungry...Side pain seems to have stopped. I wish I wish I wish...


January 5th

A day of frustration with the business calls. Combine that with a cloudy, cold day and you have an unhappy Sunny. At least I made the number of calls I set out to make, plus additional ones. But nothing happened. Oh well. Start over tomorrow.


January 13th

First big snowstorm of the season. They're predicitng 6 - 10". So far it's light and dry, which is nice, considering it's still coming down hard, and we're planning to go skiing in a little while at the golf course with the Levinsons...Didn't get a chance on here yet to mention about Dad getting his voice back. When Mom put him on the phone, I almost cried. I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear it again. His foot pain is still bad from the circulation problem, and it makes it hard for him to walk, which he should be doing. I have to be careful that my hopes don't get ahead of me again.

Had a lot of problems with the heat today. Don had a couple of outbursts in connection with that, and although he still directs too much at me, his recovery time is quicker than it used to be. What I need to do is not match him reaction for reaction, but it's hard to think when he's screaming at me. And I don't want to get over-stressed, just in case...you know...Went to Honey's for lunch. It's her birthday and that SOB, Nate, hasn't even wished her a happy one yet. I don't like standing by and witnessing another Anne-Marie/Bill, but there's not a helluva lot I can do. Damn...


January 15th

Felt as good today as I felt poorly yesterday. It was nice being so "up" but I honestly wonder how much of my rebound had to do with the weather. There seems to be quite a correlation between how I feel and whether the sun is in or out. Hmmnn...

I found out in later years that I definitely suffer from S.A.D. There's been a huge difference in the consistency of my moods since we moved to Arizona.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up to fever pitch the way I did several years ago, but I've gone and done it. I want to be pregnant SO badly.


January 19th

Well, I'm not pregnant and I really crashed. Don wasn't much of a help, being that it kicked off his "you're a failure and I resent you" tape. He would've kept it pretty much to himself, but I was feeling so alone that I reached out and "asked for it". Whatever other feelings he has, I'm finding it very hard to tolerate the way he refers to our future baby (when he refers to it at all). He does it mostly in terms of himself and rarely does he seem to have an "us" mentality. He claims this is because of his feelings about my lack of success, but I find that attitude, in connection with trying for, carrying and delivering a child, unacceptable. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor in the difficulty we're having.

Clearly we were supposed to have had Lauren and AJ a few years later, as we did. Don continued to behave like a narcissist, but he turned out to be as responsible and committed a father as he was capable of being.

Otherwise I feel OK; non-stressed in general, altho frustrated at having another month go by. Especially since Ilene just delivered hers. That bitch. I probably wouldn't mind her son so much if I were pregnant. I wish Don would stop judging me in connection with the pregnancy, like he does everything else. When he does that, we can't share our feelings about it. If we can't support each other in times of disappointment and sadness, then the good times don't mean as much. At least to me.


January 21st

I think it's important to write in here when I feel good, as well as when I feel bad. And today I feel good! The ASTD meeting was great -- professionally planned and executed, with very nice people. I made contacts, and actually got an appointment, but most importantly, I felt myself to be in a peer group for the very first time. I didn't feel young, shy or inexperienced. Just relaxed and competent...When i got home, Eby and Van Delft called to confirm their speaking engagements, and those 2, plus the Bloomingdale's offer, make 3 for this week! Filling my calendar sure helps to offset the baby disappointment...I'm carrying through one of my New Year's Desires tonight -- the one about planning 1 new activity a month. We're going to see the ice Capades! Really, the busier I am (up to a point), the better I feel...The book proposal is just about ready to go. I feel great about what I've developed...


Wow -- so I started with the book in 1982! It was published in 1989 so I truly spent years on it, from the concept, to finding Roberta, to getting the contract, to writing it. I'm very proud of myself!

I can't believe how much it's snowed this week. I like the snow but I can do without driving around in it...Talked to the folks last night. Dad sounds so different these days -- so laid back and relaxed. I had this really weird thought that maybe all of this is God's way of resolving that impossible situation at the store between him and Jeff. They probably could never have worked anything out with both of them there. Now it's Jeff's store and Dad seems content to sit at home and read. Maybe this is the only way he ever could have adjusted to retirement.

Well, it certainly WAS God's way of resolving the problem. I didn't understand then that my "really weird thought" was actually the way things work. Of course, Dad went on to recover and travel and do important volunteer work and that was all part of the plan, too.

Barbara's decision to get married in Chicago has been bothering me alot. I won't get involved, but it makes me sad to watch. Bunny meant so well and look what she did to her kids. Sometimes I worry that Don will be like her -- demanding in a covert way. What a dangerous thing to do to a child. So far I just can't picture Don as a laid-back father. he doesn't realize it, but he reminds me of Aunt Marilyn and everyone knows how Sally and Richard turned out.


January 23rd

Boy, Don sure turns on and off quickly these days. Yesterday morning he was carrying on about what I owed him and how I was going to have to pay for any individual expenses that I incurred. He was totally belligerent and impossible to talk to. So I was really surprised when I talked to him later and he apologized for acting that way. Today I found out that he has another outbreak, so that may have something to do with his turn-around. Obviously, any  kind of stress these days sets him off, so maybe he's trying to keep a lid on it. It gets so aggravating for me, though, having him be angry and demanding one minute and loving and affectionate the next. Especially as it pertains to our financial situation, I really do want to "pull my own weight", but not because he suddenly decides to feel put out or taken advantage of. I simply want to earn what I'm worth and contribute to our mutual well-being. Because it's so slow in coming, Don feels jerked around and I can understand that. There must be a way of dealing with it though without him constantly swinging to extremes. It's making me dizzy.


January 25th

This baby business is really getting tough, especially with Elaine maybe being pregnant. I have to remember that I'm in control and that it's only awful if I make it awful. I have to keep concentrating on the good stuff and enjoy what Don and I share now, instead of living in the future. And I have to keep reminding Don of these things. We can't be getting depressed over what we can't control. It's even more of a problem because of Don's herpes outbreaks. We're really going to screw things up if we get down on ourselves or each other. I hope he realizes this...Skating was fun last night. I did pretty well and felt good about doing something different, physical and challenging.


January 27th

Pretty good day. Our original "anniversary" as a matter of fact. 14 years.

Interesting -- it's now 14 years that Roy and I have been together and the difference in happiness at this point is staggering. Don and I were in each other's lives for several reasons, but happiness was apparently not one of them. *sigh*

I gave a talk to a bunch of older men in a business group that HWC belongs to, down in Hudson county. Don came and it was really nice having him share it. It was a freebie and no business came out of it, but it was an enjoyable experience to be able to talk to a group like that and not feel terrified. I really do think I keep getting better. Hope this relatively calm period hangs in for a bit. It's nice not being so tense.


January 28th

God I'm frustrated. Don and I had a nice dinner at our little Indian restaurant and it was delicious, but none of my calls went through today and Gail called to tell me about this new job she was offered. I don't like feeling jealous of Gail or of Elaine, and I certainly am aware of all my blessings, but sometimes -- shit.


January 29th

Last night when he came to bed, I heard Don tell me (through a fog of sleep) how important I was to him, and that when the other things in his life weren't working out, at least he had me. Do you know how long I've waited to hear that? What a wonderful feeling.


January 31st

Just spoke to Dad on the phone. He read me a toast he had written for the Levine's 25th anniversary party and it was really beautiful. I had tears in my eyes, and I don't even LIKE the Levines. Stuff like that tends to get me going again about him, but I didn't let it this time. Still, it hurts to hear him talk about the fact that he may never walk comfortably again, and how he's even starting to miss going down the store. I do love him so much.

1981 -- December

Dcember 28th

It's really frustrating to put out so much effort and have so little to show for it. Maybe it's this way with a lot of people, but I really can't see it. Don's impatience makes it harder, even though he's right in many ways. I wish I knew the answers that would make things work, in terms of my career, but they're so slow in coming. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I don't want Don to "subsidize a loss" but how do I distinguish between slow growth and a no-win situation? He claims that I'm not making money because I'm not cut out for this, but how do I know if he's right? And does it matter if he's right or wrong?

The only sensible thing to do seems to be to pursue all options at once and see what develops. I do have a goa l of "making it" with something. OS would be nice but may not be possible. I'm still not sur,. but at least by investigating other opportunities, I'll know what the whole picture looks like rather than only one piece. I'll start to arrange some informational interviews to see how marketable I am, while still trying to sell my consulting package. T'would be nice to have my fairy godmother show up, but I'm more of a realist these days. I've gotta slug this one out myself.


December 31st

Saw Mrs. Diamant this morning [my therapist]. What a help. I'm beginning to understand an operative I've had as long as I can remember: when I choose to initiate something, anything, I can usually do a bang-up job. But if someone else tells me to do that very same thing, I find myself resistant, pressured or angry. With the business and Don, it's real apparent. It's like, if he puts his 2 cents in, it's all suddenly not MINE anymore. I don't really understand the origins of this, but it seems to have carried through. I may also be holding myself back at times out of a fear of becoming successful and independent. When I think of being independent, it sounds very attractive, but Mrs. Diamant believes that I'm afraid that I'll lose something or someone if I do; that as much as Don and Dad say that they would welcome my equaling or surpassing them -- there's something else going on. All I'm conscious of is the worry that Don will always be looking beyond where we are/he is, and therefore the pressure will never let up.

My parents are more at peace now than they've ever been, and although they're basically on a maintenance routine and not living the lifestyle that we would in their shoes, they're happy in their own way. Especially under the circumstances [after my dad's heart attack]. They can appreciate each other as never before and for them, that's enough. But Don still feels uncomfortable when he looks at them -- which is actually a statement about Don and not them. At least Diamant has helped me to see that much. What I have to do is concentrate on my own definition of me. I'm looking forward to a 1982 that will bring good things to everyone. And I'm going to MAKE 1982, a special, successful year for me.

1976 -- December

December 1st

Well, hello again! It's taken me a whole month, but I think I'm now ready to begin writing again. Since last May, my real interest in keeping a diary has been to have a record of my pregnancy. But with Strum's insistence that I stay on these meds for at least another month, that goal can't be reached until the new year sometime. However, with such a short time left to go in this book, I might as well round it out...Well, my depression lifted while I was staying with the folks in Balto and in that respect I'm feeling pretty good. But since I'm now unemployed, I'm spending most of my new-found energy on errand-running. That's OK for now, but I have a feeling that pretty soon my mind's gonna start demanding full-time stimulation...Don's in D.C. 'til Friday. "Airhead" Berg has been impossible to get hold of thus far; I wanted to have her over for dinner. Dang her sometimes.


December 2nd

Hullo. I'm too doggone lazy to go into the living room for my pen, so you'll just have to put up with pencil. Let's see...Today was pretty much average -- I got a fair amount accomplished, although they were mostly diddly-shit things. I'm really ambivalent about this medication -- I enjoy the extra energy and feeling of well-being, but I'm wondering what the "real" me is like these days. And I'm also frustrated with having to put the baby off again. We'll just have to see how things go, I guess... It snowed on and off today, so I didn't get to do any more shopping. Those crowds are incredible and I have a number of things to get yet. Oy vey.

It was a HUGE transition from Carolina when it came time for Christmas shopping. We were on the "back road" for traveling to and from the Garden State Plaza, so we actually had THREE rush hours, including when the mall stores closed. And Paramus, as a whole, is a shopping capital for both NJ and NY.

Alyce told me that that church proposal for down the street was approved. Hope they don't over-run "our" park.


December 3rd

Don's home and it really is nice. I felt OK about his going this time and got along pretty well, but you do miss having someone to share things with and to hold. You know, we really are growing up...Had my dentist appt this morning and I enjoyed it! Dr. Harvey and his hygenist are very professional, yet friendly, and the combination makes for a comfortable atmosphere...Next stop was Paramus Park, and I managed to get there early enough to beat out the crowds. Bought all my gifts for Don except one, and boy does that feel good. I'm learning how to shop by myself, too. I miss not having company, but it doesn't get in the way of my going out. I don't know whether it's the medication or not, but I sure was up for a party this evening. I felt like dancing, drinking and flirting.


December 4th

Tonight was really nice. Around 8 we decided to smoke a little and got pleasantly high. We really got into the Saturday night sitcoms and laughed ourselves silly. Then came the munchies, the only part that I regret, 'cause I polished off a bowl of popcorn, a dish of icemilk and a mixture of peanuts and raisins. We followed up with a few games of backgammon and then I hit the sack...Unfortunately, the afternoon wasn't so enjoyable. We watched the Colts-Cardinals game and saw us outplayed by a long-shot. Hope we were just taking it easy or something. You know, I sure do like football; I passed up the "Christmastime Hollywood Parade of Stars" to watch the game!...Worked on Christmas cards today, too. I'm really getting into it this year, maybe 'cause I have more time and I started earlier.


December 5th

You'll never believe what just happened. When we were in Baltimore in August, I read a Sunpapers interview with Jay Cohen about a film on Greenwich village that he had produced. Today, while reading the Sunday lineup in Cue, I noticed that Channel 31 was showing the film at 5:30. I watched it, and an interview with Jay, and I was so impressed that I called the station and left a note for him, with our phone number. Well, it's 9:00 now, and the folks just phoned to say that Minnie had called them to say that Jay had called her AT THE PIMLICO, to tell her about my note! Can you beat that! Little Jay Cohen -- I knew him when!

And that was only the early part of Jay's career! He went on to be Stage Manager on Broadway for "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas", a member of the Film Board in Maryland, and he even painted a portrait for Bill Clinton! Awesome family member (my Dad's second-cousin) and neighbor!

Otherwise it was kind of a lackluster Sunday. My back is really beginning to bother me. Maybe the Endep isn't doing it's job too well, 'cause I'm also starting to worry about getting bored.

1976 -- October

October 1st

Just saw a real cute movie, "Paper Moon" on TV. It was a good nite to see it, since Don's out at the company banquet and I would have been depressed otherwise. He looked terrific in his new suit. I'm looking forward to feeling better and getting myself some new duds.



Borrowed the August issue of "Seventeen" from work, and though just about everything in it has changed, it still brings back memories. As I was telling Don, however, high school is beginning to seem as far away as Campfield and ol' Forest Garbage. I wonder why my memories appear to be som much more vivid in the fall than at any other time...My neck still bothered me more than usual today, and the therapist attributed it to the weather. Great, just what I wanted to be -- a barometer. I need to get started on that oil research in earnest. I'm beginning to feel guilty.


October 2nd

We just spent an interesting evening at Barbara's place, way out in Wanaque. And once again, the word is "strange". The house, itself, is kinda neat, all set back like it is in the woods. I especially like the garden, the quiet and the little puppies romping about. And of course, watching the fire glow in the darkness while listening to John Denver was just fantastic. But I don't know how she can live with those weirdos. I'm not sure that Barb knows, herself, and it will probably take some time before she decides if her "cabin in the wilderness" is worth all the mishegoss...Went shopping at Bloomingdale's this morning. That place is beautiful, but depressing. So many, many things that we'd like to have...Right now we just discovered that the heat seems to be busted and Don's fit to be tied.


October 3rd

Another day of crappo weather (4th in a row). On top of that it was freezing in here, so I didn't do all that much, 'cept curl up with a few old magazines. Don was cranky, with good reason I guess, but it seems inevitable that he gets this way when he's forced to spend too much time indoors. Pete saved the day by inviting us to dinner; I didn't feel like going out at first, but I'm glad he talked me into it. He made us Pina Coladas and 2 wok dishes and we both really unwound. Pete can be a real mensch when he wants to be. It was kind of weird, seeing John's old room again, but last June seems far away...Saw the rest of "Earthquake" -- dumb. "The Way We Were" was dumb, too, but oh, that Robert Redford.




October 4th

Today was Yom Kippur and it really felt odd not to be fasting. In fact, I went through a whole guilt trip, but decided that I'd better take the pills and therefore needed to eat. So, 2 years in a row the High Holidays kinda passed us by, and I regret it. I want it to be like in the old days again -- walking to B'Nai Jacob, our afternoon dinner with Nana and Papa after services, etc. Those were the days...The man came and fixed the oil burner. Thank goodness for that. Now what else will go wrong?..The volunteer stopped by this morning with one of her 3 year old twins in tow, to get briefed on the research. I could hardly concentrate, since the kid kept kicking one of the dining room chairs, but I think we've got it all set up...Talked to the folks -- Mom bought some jeans (!) and is giving me the blouse set to go with the black pants!..Dad's gonna be a lion tamer at the Chatham Club Circus party!


October 5th

It's that old "feeling strange" time again. Went to see the lawyer, Bert Siegel, today, and I feel as though we're entering the twilight zone. He believes that winning the case is a foregone conclusion -- it's just a matter of how much the payoff will be. Meanwhile, I have to see a neurologist to have my head examined (a 2 1/2 hour appt.!) Now that the pain seems to be increasing again, instead of decreasing, I'm getting into this state where I can't believe this is happening to me. It's so goddamn true that you take your health for granted...The only serious problem on the horizon right now appears to be the difficulty I'm having getting the research study done. But I'm now beginning to think about my job in larger terms, and the possibility of leaving mental health altogether for something like advertising or public relations. Surprised? More later.


October 6th

Well, I'm sitting here next to Floyd, my new, smiling, stuffed frog and thinking, "Oh shit". Don has been so wonderful that I feel guilty being depressed. Once again he went to cooking class for me, tried to get my prescription filled, and bought me Floyd and a giant lollipop...Went to the doctor's today. Saw Juliano 'cause Carrozza 'cause wasn't in. They took x-rays, prescribed Tylenol #3 and ordered 2 more weeks of PT, this time with wet heat. If that doesn't work, next comes traction... I have doctor's appointments coming out of my ears these days -- orthopedist, neurologist, dentist, optometrist. Jeesh...Barb ain't coming with us this weekend, but Rick S. is. He'll be arriving by bus from Boston Friday afternoon. Hope I make it through the trip down, ya know?


October 7th

Life certainly has its ups and downs, doesn't it? The end of August and the beginning of September was so nice, and now this. I'm beginning to think that maybe even $5000 won't cover it all. The pain was really bad today, the worst it's been so far. Alyce picked up my prescription for me and that helped somewhat, but I still couldn't get out of bed this morning, and therefore couldn't go to work. If it weren't for the market research and client questionnaire, I'd ask to be fired and collect unemployment right now, but I guess that'll have to wait. I'm just so fed up with the whole thing. I don't have the energy to see it all though, but somehow I've got to pull myself together enough with what's coming down the pike in the next 2 weeks. This weekend will be the first hurdle; hopefully Rick will serve as a buffer between Don's and my raw nerves.


October 8th

More of the same, folks. Tonite, though, we have company -- Rick. Don sure does have some strange brothers and sisters, ya know? Rick is nice enough and all, but he still seems slightly zombie-ish. I feel more comfortable with him these days, though, than I did in high school, so perhaps that's some sort of progress. Don was a busy beaver again this evening -- he brought Rick home, stopped at the cleaners, cashed a check and bought some groceries, made a Chinese dinner, picked up the slides and bathed the dog. He also shopped for a shirt and did some laundry! As for me, I went into work this morning and managed to dump most of the research load on Hilda, the volunteer. Felt kinda guilty but what else could I do?..Must do some thinking about advertising vs. a "humanitarian" field.


October 9th

Back in Balto again, and am I out of it. Treated myself to a Black Russian at The Chesapeake where we had dinner with the Schlengers. It was fun and a much needed pick-me-up. I sure am amazing when I'm drunk! The trip down wasn't too bad, except for the fact that Kerri insisted on lying on top of me for most of the ride. The weather, though, was unbelievable -- a front apparently came through (hopefully breaking up this spate of dreariness we've been having) and rained incredibly hard for awhile, then became the strangest sort of half and half; you could see patches of clear blue and sunshine through black thunderheads and low lying bits of clouds...Mom looks good -- can't wait to see her in her jeans. Jackie looks good too, and a lot taller in her new, short haircut.


October 10th

"Home again, Finnegan" (now where did I get that from?)

Answer: one of Mom's expressions

What a short "vacation". The trip seemed longer and a little less comfortable this time, even though the dog sat on Rick's lap. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, had the 3 of us been able to talk about something together, but Rick's too damn close-mouthed...The luncheon was very nice, and I really enjoyed myself  up to the time I had to leave because of the pain. By an amazing coincidence, Sue had called the apt. earlier to get our NJ number, and so she stopped by after we got back. I was kinda out of it from the pain pill, so Mom and Sue did most of the talking. It was real good to see her again, though, and her pics were great...Colts clobbered the Dolphins 28 to 7.


October 11th (Columbus Day)

"I see Ohio, Columbus!"
"No, that's Columbus, Ohio"

And Hi-O to you, too. What a drag this day has been. I really must've overdone it this past weekend, 'cause this morning I couldn't even climb out of bed. The pain pill helped somewhat, but not enough. I ended up mostly sleeping and reading some Rod Serling stories, and got up just once to watch my back-to-back soap operas, "Ryan's Hope" and "All My Children". They were pretty funny today -- Mona discovered the hoax with Kitty's mother, Phoebe threatened to kill herself, Ann doesn't believe that her baby contracted toxoplasmosis, Jack may always be impotent, and Jill is pregnant with Seneca's baby. Too much, huh?..Don made a scrumptious dinner -- barbequed steak, salad, rice and a Black Russian!




October 12th

Back to the doctor's again. This morning it was the optometrist and after a 10 minute examination, he told me that my glasses are a bit too STRONG for me. How 'bout that one! I have to go back sometime soon to pick out new frames from the selection that they have there...The Vega is beginning to show signs of its age -- the pick-up is lousy, the muffler sounds like it has a hole in it, and today the horn got disconnected somehow. As Archie Bunker would say, "Whoopee do",,,Went in to the  city tonight for a Hopkins Alumni crabcake dinner at Gallaghers. It turned out to be recruitment-oriented but still was quite classy and made you proud to be there. We spent most of the evening with Cecile Strauss Hanft and her husband (small world). We'll probably get together with them, and do some interviewing of applicants.


October 13th

Had the novel experience today of having my head made into a pin cushion. I went for that 2 1/2 hour appt. with Strum, and boy was he thorough. The EEG was painful, but at least it was nice knowing that I can still meditate properly if I want to. [My brain waves were so even that they thought I had fallen asleep!] Strum prescribed some muscle relaxants and said that I'd probably be feeling better in a week. Only part that bothers me is that blood test tomorrow morning. Yuck...Ford was at Garden State Plaza today. Sure wish that there was someone who I really wanted to vote FOR...Called Mosler about the advertising bit. We're supposed to get together on Saturday...Talked to Dorothy and she suggested that I check into disability before I talk to Aaron about leaving...I still feell confused about baby vs. flu shot. I think we'll try this month, and if no luck, put it off for awhile.


October 14th

What a scream. We just spent the last 45 minutes playing with Kerri on the floor of the bedroom. She's such a character, especially when she rolls the ball with her nose and climbs into that little shoebox...Went for my blood test this morning at 8:30. Enough said? The doctor gave me one of those muscle relaxants which appeared to work well, even if it's only for 2 - 3 hours at a time...May have to miss PT again tomorrow -- Don forgot that he had taken the Vega down to work after my appt. and brought home the Maverick. Swell job there, Don. Guess I'll have to wait until Monday to talk to Aaron, too. But that's probably OK since I want to find out about Unemployment and Disability first...


October 15th

Had dinner over Pete's again tonight and you know, he really IS behaving like a mensch these days. He cooked up a big batch of lasagna, with homemade coleslaw, and after dinner we looked at his slides of Israel. Nice evening...Changed my PT appt. to this afternoon and Don picked me up about 3:00. The weather was lovely and it was a pleasant outing, even though we didn't do all that much. While I was at the doctor's, Don stopped at the bike shop to check into a helmet he's been considering (wish he didn't have to ride around in Weehawken), then we picked up my clothes at the dressmaker's, got some fresh bagels and came home...Still playing around with the heating situation. Alyce claims that it's not an insulating problem, but then why does it get so hot in here? I'm not even sure that talking to Betty will help.


October 18th

Another dull day hits the dust. Let's see, what did my thrilling agenda look like? Oh yes, 9:30 this  morning found me at PT, after somehow managing to get lost on the way there. Afterwards I tried to get hold of ol' Bert again, who by some miracle was in (he had just finished another court cas) and I asked him about the relative merits of unemployment insurance vs. disability. Turns out that I don't have to worry at all because PIP takes care of everything, i.e., I get full pay without working! T'ain't much, but for now I kinda like having my cake and eating it, too. So I guess I'll be hangin' round CB for awhile longer...Watched the Monday nite TV lineup, and except for "Maude", I was really disappointed. "Rhoda" stinks this season.





October 19th

And Tuesday comes and goes. Ya know, diary, you must be bored stiff these days. An exciting memoir, this is not...Well, today being Tuesday, Helen was here. Wish I hadn't been brought up to be distrustful of new maids; I even found myself checking around the place after she left. I sure love having the help, but I still don't like having someone else move around my things...First the ants, then the heat, then the car muffler, now the toilet. At least it's simple to fix, but these days it alway seems like it's SOMETHING...TV's beginning to drive me bananas -- babies, babies, babies everywhere. By the way, I'm also disappointed with "Happy Days" this season. It's become "The Fonzie Show" with no hint of the 50's motif...Wish Don knew if he could take the exam before Thanksgiving. Sure would like to have the folks up here.




October 20th

Well, at least I have something to report tonight. Went to cooking class this evening and really enjoyed myself. I was so desperate for some stimulation that I even went out in a really bad rainstorm to get there. The food, of course, was delicious (rock cornish hen with wine and cherry sauce, stuffed cabbage with plum sauce) and the company was nice...Boy am I going stir crazy. I sort-of seem to be improving but it's so hard to tell. I may know more after seeing Strum and Carozza again on Thursday and Friday. Come to think of it, this sure is a strange interlude in my life. With so much time on my hands and feeling in transition like I do, I find myself reminiscing again -- looking at old yearbooks and remembering us as we were then. I think I'm beginning to feel my age.


October 21st

Went to see Strum again this morning; had to wait a whole God-damn hour 'til he was ready for me. That's a weird place, ya know? At least he examined me again, which is more than the orthopedists do. I think I'm finally beginning to improve enough, at least, to be able to do some neck exercises that he gave me. I am beginning to feel funny, though, about being treated by 2 different doctors for the same thing...Came home and felt a little energetic, so I finished re-organizing my resume and left it on Don's desk for him to look over. Didn't get a chance to mention yesterday that Charlie Mosler left me a whole envelope of PR stuff. Sure is nice of him to go to all that trouble. there are only a few firms in the area (I really don't want to go into the city) but that's OK. as they say in the song, "Que sera, sera".


October 23rd

Pretty nice day today, except for one occurence. Don left around 10:15 to spend the day at the stadium, working on his meters. The Schlengers showed up at noon, and the 4 of us went to lunch at Tom Sawyer's. They dropped Jackie and I off here afterwards, and we proceeded to spend a quiet afternoon playing backgammon and watching TV. About 3:30 the doorbell rings and thinking that it was the paperboy, I opened it. And who is standing there but Pedro Fernandez, the guy who hit my car. I was very flustered and invited him in when he said that he needed to get some insurance information. Having just been served notice that he was being sued, he was kinda confused, and I was, too, considering Bert never told me that he was sending him a letter now. I'll have to talk to Bert about it..."Bob Newhart" was funny tonite. How often do you get to laugh out loud at a TV sitcom?




October 24th

Well, I finally exploded tonight. The pent-up feelings from 6 weeks of no physical or intellectual stimulation came forth in a volley of clothes hurled at the bedroom wall. Don and his frustration was the trigger, but it would've had to come out some time or the other. Both of us have been under so much pressure, but as is usually the case, most of the focus has been on Don's problems with coping. Well, I've been keeping it pretty much under wraps, but I've been having my share, too. The only other point I tried to make was that his distractability from his primary goals reminds me of a racehorse without the blinders on. I hope he can work on that.

Once again, I have to wonder how much difference it would have made to know that Don was coping with ADD (and to a certain extent, OCD). It certainly would have helped, but his preoccupation with himself was the factor that finally made it impossible for me to stay with him. That and the wild mood swings from fabulous to furious and the resultant emotional and physical abuse. Such a shame...

Otherwise, it was a drab, rainy day. Don went down to the stadium again, Jackie stayed until 2:00 when her folks picked her up and I made good progress going through old magazines.


October 25th

What a disaster this morning was (wrong date for PT, bump on head, car too hot to check coolant, inability to leave ring to be fixed, etc etc), but this afternoon and evening panned out well. After watching Gloria have her baby, a la prepared childbirth on "All in the Family", I listened to records for about 1 1/2 hours. The music "harmonized with my soul" and helped me to think more clearly than I've thought for weeks. I think that my mind is ready to go to town again, but it's just not sure which town...Stopped in at work, where Linda and Diane made me a very nice offer for the future -- joining their in-the-works private consulting firm. Sounds like great part-time work... I'm getting kind of tired of writing in here; it's just that I don't want to miss any of my pregnancy experience. Ho ho...Don sure was marvelous to me tonight.

Interesting how music has always been so pivotal in my life.


October 26th

Quiet day for the most part. This morning dawned bright and clear (for a change) but also cold and windy -- so windy, in fact, that I thought I'd better not subject my neck to the out-of-doors. It was probably a good decision, but these days it doesn't take much to keep me away from work...Helen came and did her usual quiet, fairly thorough job. It was nice having the company. I straightened up the bedroom and did some desk work in the morning and then relaxed in front of the tube in the afternoon. Don called, and it seems that we're going to have problems scheduling things in late November and early December. (Where the hell is fall going already?) What with his exam and seminar, Thanksgiving and the folks coming up, it's gonna take some work.


October 27th

Back to cooking class tonite -- what an experience that place is. This week's menu consisted of hula chicken, rice and almond pastries. The pastries were out of this world. I was able to do a little peeling and dicing this time, which made me feel good. Out of everyone (Nora, Abe, the Coopers, Fred, Lee, Rose and Bill), Bill has been the most considerate of my condition and I really appreciate that...It finally dawned on me that although I'm beginning to improve physically, mentally I'm not doing so hot. I know that lately I've been very nervous and cry easily, but now I'm noticing things like nightime teeth-grinding and insomnia. While it's obvious that I'm uptight with good reason these days, it bothers me that I'm not in direct touch with these feelings. Bert said to see Strum about a therapist recommendation.

This was the first time that I realized what was happening to me emotionally, but it was later confirmed by the therapist that depression is a very common symptom in the PTSD from whiplash.


October 28th

Didn't feel too well today, probably because of my period coming on. Which, of course, contributes to the general depression. It really is too much at once -- the pain, the doctors' visits, career transition, Don's exam, not becoming pregnant -- even the Presidential election gets me down. I'll be damned if I know who to vote for, and Nov. 2nd is just a few days away now. Bleech...One nice thing -- went out to lunch at El Cid with Anna, Elinor and Jo (the volunteer). It was a pleasant interlude, but God, I've gotta get out of that place. Wish I felt better already. Now I don't have even a temporary desk, and I just don't have the gazuzis to fight it any more...Record album arrives tomorrow. I could've had it today, but I didn't think I had enough money for the mailman. Dummy.


October 31st (Halloween)

Just watched a powerful 3 hours of "Life Goes to the Movies" and it really has left me with some strange feelings. On the one hand, I could watch forever scenes of young starlets arriving in Hollywood and making screen tests, and of actors and actresses attending lavish parties, but all that stuff happened before I was born. And the movies of my era, the 60's and 70's, are so violent that it's hard some times to appreciate their artistic qualities. I guess that I'm just a romantic at heart, and always will be...Today was a kind of depressing Sunday, especially for Halloween. It was damp and dreary for the most part, with Don studying away, and me being bored to tears until the paper arrived. In it I found an ad for what looks like a good PR position, so I spent the rest of the day finishing up my resume and a cover letter to send off.





















 

1976 -- September

September 1st

As Alyce would say, "Jeesh!" I'm pooped. It's been an exhausting day. This evening we had Alyce and Walt over for dinner, and if I must say so myself, it went beautifully. The ants put on a virtuoso performance, and all things considered, I think we made our points. We'll have to see how things develop...Did I mention about the drought in Chapel Hill? We got a letter from the Macklers containing a picture of University Lake -- practically all dried-up. Sure is glad we's up here!..Had lunch at El Cid with Aaron, Yvonne and Dorothy. Having them group me with them when they talk about the aides is kind of an unsettling experience. I'm beginning to feel myself drift across the fence...Meeting with the bank went fairly well. Looks like with joint sponsorship of the program we just might make it!


September 2nd

God do I feel shitty. Hope I'm not coming down with the Haven Flu. I was over there for awhile today, trying to get someone to do a design for the workshop invitation. Gail volunteered (bless her) and I spent some time discussing details. Seems like at least half of the staff is out with the bug, and Lillian was coming down with it while I was there. It always feels strange to visit 26; so much has happened in the course of a year. During my talk with Gail, Al and then Phyllis and Ruth Ann stopped by and we had a pleasant chat. (Al still is a sexy son-of-a-gun.)...Had lunch again today at El Cid with Dorothy. She kinda reminds me of Jackie Hess for some reason, maybe because they both come off as sort of tragic figures.


September 3rd

Holy cow. Do you know what today is? iIt was an entire year ago, on this very day, that we moved to Paramus, NJ. Unbelievable. I "celebrated" the occasion by remaining home in bed, determined to evade the Flu and stay well for next week. After yesterday's bopping around in the cold chill and rain, I just didn't want to take any chances. I mostly slept, and caught up on some reading. Right now I'm into a mystery novel of Sally's. Dorothy stopped by this evening; unfortunately Gail's drawing was a bit too complicated and not done to scale, so Don agreed to take a stab at it. She'll come back Monday night to pick it up...I can't believe how early it's getting dark these days. My mind just won't accept that it's not still July or something...Don's getting good at the organ and I'm getting jealous.




September 4th

Eight months later and Kerri Dog finally decides to go into heat again. Yay team. This time, of course, we were expecting it, and at the first sight of blood today we popped her into the kitchen. She seems to be doing just fine, but I feel bad about keeping her in there. And then again, there's the probable false pregnancy to look forward to in 3 months. Wonder when we'll get to breed her...Kind of a dull day -- read, watched TV mostly. Don worked on the new bike he's putting together. It's nice looking, but I sure as hell wish his discipline was greater. Hopefully he'll look into biofeedback when we return from the beach...Sue and Mara will be joining us there next weekend. How 'bout that?..Played 2 games of backgammon this evening. Am really getting into it.


September 5th

Saw a good movie this evening, upon Don's recommendation -- "The Third Man". I usually get impatient with those old black and white spy-type stories, but this one was intriguing...I've been thinking about camp a lot recently, probably because I've been having so many raspberry-flavored things. The taste of raspberry immediately brings me back to the ol' raspberry patch near Cabin 3, and morning flag-raisings, and the Farm House and so forth and so on...Today was fairly satisfying in terms of accomplishments. I was pissed at Don for awhile for spending so much time on the bike, but he did get the blind on the back door up and the drawing for Dorothy done. Wish he'd shave already...Alyce can sure be depressing with her Paramus Voice of Doom and Gloom, but it was nice of her to cut me those roses.


September 6th -- Labor Day

And so the summer come unofficially to an end. Once again there were the Labor Day sales, barbeques, Jerry Lewis telethon. Don and I worked, mostly -- doing laundry, dishes, straightening. Walt vented the dryer (finally!) and caulked around the kitchen door. We went out for awhile to try and find a beach umbrella. No dice, but we did drop off some library books and deliver the "Footsteps" illustration to Dorothy. Don really did a nice job on it. Interestingly, I was somewhat stoned from the old frozen brownies that I had had for dessert earlier. I was sure surprised that they still worked, but they did enough to give me the munchies and to perhaps make me look a little out of it to Dorothy..."Yellow Submarine" was on again tonight; I love it! Alyce brought us a blackberry dessert!


September 7th

I can't believe we're really here. Can you hear that ocean?! Our bedroom faces onto it and the sea breeze comes right through the 2 large windows. Wow. I'm so excited. The Island itself is pretty much deserted, relative to the summer season, and that suits us just fine. Sun, surf and sand for a whole week. and right after being in the moountains, too! I think that we're two very lucky people...Being at the beach brings back my old fantasies of California summers and surfers -- the stuff of which all those old songs are made. Will I ever grow up?

Nope.  ;-)


September 8th

We swam and sunned mostly today, while trying to dodge the unbelievable number of vicious flies on the beach. No one seemed to know where they had come from or why they were there, but I sure wish they'd beat it. And guess what, Ma? I got bit by a crab in the water!


September 9th

What a marvelous, sun-shiny beach day. The feeling of being able to totally unwind; to just bask in the sunshine with butterflies flitting about, and the cries of seagulls and the pounding of the waves in your ears. Like nothing else even existed. Or ever will...Had fresh fish for dinner from the local market. Delicious. Everything tastes better at the ocean it seems. The Island itself is sparsely populated these days. The few people on the beach are mostly middle-aged or older and in that respect it's kind of a strange situation. I associate coming to the shore with summer at its height -- including crowds, noise, summer songs on the radio, etc. Off-season is more peaceful, but it takes some getting used to.


September 10th

What a crazy, crazy night. Sue and Mara finally showed up at 9:30, long after we had given up hope of them evercoming. Seeing Mara again after all these years was a real freak-out, but after some wine, grass and hysterical reminiscing, she seemed a lot more familiar. The reminiscing was really a riot -- it's such a blast to recall things that you haven't thought of in ages...Well, our luck with the weather finally turned today, and it rained and turned colder. Once the downpour stopped, we walked on the beach, which was a neat experience. The water was kinda warm, and the dark/light contrast gave everything a greater impact. I love the ocean -- makes you really philosophical.


September 11th

Talk about a perfect day. and what a surprise. All day yesterday we listened to weather reports predicting a "cool and partly sunny" day. Lo and behold, we get up this morning and are greeted by a cloudless sky, bright sunshine and a delightful breeze. Who could ask for more? After a day on the beach, we came in, showered, and went out to dinner at The Port of Call. Sue recommended a new drink, Kahlua and cream and that, combined with the hash we smoked earlier, made for a great meal. My Alaskan king crab in butter and wine sauce was especially good. Sue was a riot; she gets quite verbal when stoned and had us all laughing hysterically. Afterwards we played some backgammon and cards and then hit the sack. Sue might get up early tomorrow morning with Don to go bike-riding.


September 12th

Agony. My legs are in absolute agony. Today was the first full day that spent on the beach and in my hurry to finish reading "Aspen", I guess that I overdid it a little. You can't see anything yet, but my legs feel like molten lava was poured over them. Noxema helps somewhat, but not much. I probably would've spent the entire evening concentrating on them, but Alyce, Rick and Nancy showed up at 8:30 with an invite for us to go play miniature golf with them. Despite my stiffness I managed to win (!) and had a really good time, to boot...Sue and Mara left this afternoon and that really got me down. The 2 days that they were here seemed like a magical interlude out of the past, and their leaving hurt. I like Sue very much, personally, but more than that, she's the last link left to childhood.

And here I am, 37 years later, still enjoying vacations with Sue when she comes out to Sedona to visit and scrapbook!


September 13th

How do you say goodbye to one of the most perfect weeks of your life? It ain't easy. Sitting out on the porch a few minutes ago, alone, watching the stars and listening to the waves endlessly crashing on the sand, I felt like a character out of a novel, contemplating her future against the overwhelming backdrop of nature. I really wish that I were a poet, and not self-confined to these finite pages, scribbled in a half-awake state. But anyway, knowing that this time tomorrow night I'll be home again in Paramus, I want to write down a few "do not forgets": the little old lady and George, "It's OK" -- Beach Boys,"Boogie in the Back Row of the Movie Show", the sand crab races, screwing the cork out of the bottle, Sue's commentary on the people in the restaurant, relaxed and tense, "Chicken Man" ("he's everywhere he's everywhere!"), WJRZ, backgammon and backgammon and backgammon, Barry Manilow's new song and "I'd Really Like to See You Tonight" and everything else. it's been the best...


September 14th

So we're home again and I guess the full impact hasn't hit yet, 'cause I feel more tired than depressed. We tried to reserve the place for next year, same time, but the brother-in-law of the guy downstairs is taking it. We're supposed to call Lackey back in March to see what they can arrange for us...The damn thermometer seems to be broken, now of all times. I feel like I'm ovulating right now but my registered temp doesn't appear to want to go higher than 97.5. The whole thing is getting crazy...Stopped off at the vet on the way back from the kennel to get Kerri her heartworm pills. The spot on her tongue is only a freckle.


September 15th

Boy am I starting to itch. That's the problem with a tan/burn -- it doesn't stick around too long and then as your skin dries out you begin to scratch like crazy...Well, back to the salt mines today. Lo and behold, the place was still standing, and I managed to show up right in the middle of the mailing rush for the workshop invitations. I sorted zip codes until I almost went blind, but at least we're almost through. Don received quite a few compliment on his drawing...You know, my dreams are getting more and more psychic lately. I really oughta start that dream diary again.

These early flashes of understanding the bigger picture are so interesting. I actually don't remember ever keeping a dream diary this young but something must've been speaking to me. I wonder if it was at least partially sparked by being at the beach...

Laura called and we're gonna try and get together on Saturday, come hell or high water...Had lunch with Barb. She may come with us to Balto the weekend  of Oct. 10th... It's not that easy being home again, but at least it's supposed to rain down there!


September 16th

I sure was pooped today. Maybe my body is trying to tell me that it just isn't ready for an 8 hour workday yet; it wants to go back to the beach. Especially since work has really become WORK. On top of everything else (did I tell you that I start reseach on cooking oil next week?), Aaron's given me the job of analyzing the data from questionnaires sent to 383 clients. Aren't they getting their money's worth though?..Helped Barb draft her raise petition letter. I enjoyed doing it and she really was grateful...The Schlengers called this evening and mentioned that the Eisenbergs will be moving into an apartment in November. Finally. Maybe we can start visiting them again...In the news: Mao Tse Tung died last week; Viking II's soil-scooping arm has malfunctioned; the Episcopalian church voted to ordain women as priests and bishops.


September 17th

Jesus, just what I needed -- to be involved in a car accident. no, don't worry; I'm alright (I think). At any rate, all that seems to be wrong is a general achiness and soreness in my neck, shoulders and back. Hopefully a weekend spent resting should fix that. It all began this morning on Paramus Road right near the Old Mill and the Cuss. There was a lot more traffic than usual and we were creeping along at a stop-go pace. I was nearing the light at Century, waiting for it to change, when WHAM, I get smacked from behind by some dodo who was probably fascinated with the emptiness of the swimming hole and therefore wasn't watching where he was going. We both pulled over and although I felt more disgusted than anything else, I still could hardly get it together enough to remember what info. to ask for.

I must've been more upset than I thought,'cause when I got to work I was shaking all over. Aaron advised me to check out any physical injuries first, and then report the claim to my insurance company. I hadn't felt anything at first, but 1/2 hour later I was starting to hurt a bit, so I got B. Berg to take me over to the emergency room at Valley Hospital. That's a whole 'nother story (boy do hospitals give me the creeps), but anyway the doctor didn't think that I had whiplash, but rather some very strained muscles. He did advise bed rest, so I packed it in for the day. I called the long distance claims # later on and gave them as much info. as I could. An adjuster is supposed to contact me soon, but I don't know what will happen with this Pedro Fernandez guy. I mean, why was his insurance ID card torn up into tiny pieces?

Wish I hadn't been so stupid about forgetting to note down the make and license # of his car. Anyhoo, here I am, still hurting on Sunday night. We tried to go back to Valley for some medication but they said I'd have to receive follow-up care from a private physician. They gave me the names of 3 orthopedists in Ridgewood. Wish me luck getting an appt. tomorrow. Meanwhile this thing's really gumming up the works as far as CB is concerned. I really can't afford to miss that meeting tomorrow afternoon. We'll have to see. Don has been fantastic. I don't know how I could've gotten by with out him. Funny, but when they say, "In sickness and in health"  you never think about what that means...Saw "Hercules Unchained" tonight. Remember that one? What a gas.

Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end of this phase of my life. All these years later and I still feel the effects of the whiplash in my neck when the weather turns colder.




September 20th

Well, I've got it. Yup -- whiplash. Terrific, huh? Quite honestly, that was the last diagnosis I expected. I guess that I just didn't know that much about the condition. I went to the doctor's at 4:45 and he said that I had all the symptoms. Unfortunately, I can't take any medication because of possible pregnancy. I couldn't even have x-rays. I did have a collar fitted, though, that I have to wear just about all of the time. And physical therapy sessions 3 times a week for 2 weeks. I was really depressed when I left the office but I feel better now. I'm still worried about Don's ability to hold up under the pressure of my convalescence what with his exam and all, but I'll try not to let that bother me.


September 21st

What a pain in the neck. It really is an awful feeling to have the muscles cramp up like that. By the end of the evening I'm ready to unscrew it and toss it out in the trash....Stopped in at work this morning. Dorothy talked me out of coming in before next week; she doesn't think that I'll become invisible in that short amount of time...PT was "interesting". The deep heat machine and massage were great. I only wish that the effects would last longer...Stopped at police headquarters to file an accident report and contacted the adjuster again when I got back. Seems that under "No Fault" they pay all the medical bills, etc. and the other company takes care of the car damages. Now all that's left is getting an estimate and having Fernandez and Geico pay for it.


September 22nd

Hullo. Did a bit of running today. Got the car estimate ($103.79), went to the bank, and returned the library books. Tried to pick out a few more but the pain in my neck wouldn't let me look at anything below eye level. When I got home I received a call from Betty's friend who said that her maid's friend, Helen, would be able to work here on Tuesday's. Helen stopped by later and I expect her to start next week...Don went to my first cooking class for me this evening and loved it! I'm looking forward to going.


September 23rd

Boring day. Just rest and heat. Had a 2:00 therapy appt. The "diathermy" treatment was relaxing, but I would've like a longer massage. Iwonder how much these sessions cost and if they're doing me any good...Peter was supposed to come over for a roast chicken dinner this evening, but I didn't have the where-with-all to keep sticking the thing in and out of the oven. He came over anyway, though, to work on his car, And Don picked some stuff up from Gino's. Peter sounded pretty good (he's in a group now) but I'm beginning to get a feel for how fucked up his childhood must've been...Don went out after dinner to do a little clothes shopping for a suit and to pick up some things for me. He sure is super. Afterwards we played some backgammon and watched the presidential debate. It was funny when the sound went off.


September 24th

What a painful, yet enjoyable night. Don took me out to dinner at The Carriage House in Allendale. It was a pleasant place and I really liked getting out of the house for awhile. Unfortunately, my neck wasn't of the same mind, and would have rather been at home resting on a pillow. Don's massage helped tremendously, but still, by the end of the evening at Syms, I was in tears. I seem to be improving to the point where I feel no pain when I'm lying down, but I can't hold my head up in public (ho ho)...Fall was really in the air tonight. The temps dropped, the air was crisp, and we even saw pumpkins along the road. And boy is it getting dark early; by 7:30, I believe. Wow...Barb stopped by and it was good to see her. She had some good Haven news: Wayne Saucier is engaged and Bruce Foss has a job!


September 25th

Aw shit. Just when I was beginning to count the days, that ol' blood-tinged discharge shows up again. Damnn it all. Despite the resulting inability to take medication, I was really looking forward to the possibility of being pregnant. I hadn't thought about it much 'til the last few days, but then I started reading baby books again and hoping. I understand and agree with Don's reasoning of why this wasn't the month, but I still worry a little bit -- you know, about my ability to conceive. But the signs keep improving every month, so 'til next time...Don brought home some wine, cheese and pepperoni for a little "picnic" before dinner. He also bought me a card. I love him! We took a walk in the park with the little nut, and after dinner went out to look at another suit for Don.


September 26th

Boy am I scared. We just watched the 1st half of the TV special, "Earthquake" (with the sound in stereo!) and I'm really shaking. With that rumbling and all, it sounded so real! Yeah, the day wasn't exactly what the doctor ordered in terms of rest and relaxation -- we also watched a Colt game that was an incredible cliffhanger. Unfortunately we managed to lose it in the last 6 seconds, but I can really see how people get heart attacks while looking at those things. Despite all that tension however, today was the first day that I noticed an overall improvement in my neck. Good sign, huh? Don made some chicken salad for dinner from last night's leftovers which I enjoyed, despite some general nausea and crampiness afterwards. I wish I knew what the hell was going on with my body.


September 27th

"Rainy days and Mondays..." Well,we had both today, and truth to tell, I was a little down this morning. Somehow, when you're away for a week, you expect everyone to be anxiously awaiting your return, while in actuality they've been busily steaming ahead without you. So I guess I feel a little rejected or something. My neck held up pretty well all morning and the doctor seemed encouraged, although he did say that I still felt pretty tight. I came home around 2:00, just in time to see the exterminator start exterminating. Hope the ants stop marching one by one...Don's been so wonderful lately; he's due for a blow-up. Hope I can manage to keep it all in perspective.


September 28th

Our maid, Helen, came today. (Boy does that sound weird.) Gladys, or Catherine, would sound more familiar, but still -- our own maid! I sure could get spoiled. It felt a bit uncomfortable having someone else straighten out your personal stuff and all, but it was nice having the house clean again...Stan stopped by to drop off the new research stuff (salad oil, yet!) and I've decided that I'm calling it quits after this one if the Center doesn't cough up my money...Had a really nice dinner at Fulton's Folly in Harrington Park. One thing about those 2-for-1 books, they really get you to see the county. I'm enjoying it...Cooking class tomorrow; hope I feel up to it. May work just a half day tomorrow.


September 29th

Strange day today. Went into work the regular time and managed to make real headway into the client questionnaire analysis until the sound of drilling (they're putting in a sprinkler system) and my neck forced me to quit. Ate lunch at Howard Johnson's with Barbara and got into a good rap about relationships, dependency, vulnerability and defenses. It was the first time that we've ever discussed things together at this level and it was both exciting and scary. I hadn't realized until now how I've managed to insulate myself from rejection, under the guise of self-sufficiency...Went to the Chinese cooking class tonight. What a strange group of people. I couldn't do much, of course, but the meal was absolutely delicious. I was fascinated with the cellophane noodles and the tea was especially good. Think I could ever do that?


September 30th

Another strange day. Maybe it's the weather changing that makes things seem so weird. It's hard to say. Anyhow, I wasn't really feeling up to par today. My neck hurt more than usual and I just didn't have my customary bounce. By the time I left at noon, it had turned colder and looked like rain, and all I wanted to do was climb into bed...Made an appt. with the lawyer that Fred recommended last night, for next Tues. I'm about ready to sue for all I can get.

1976 -- August

August 1st

August  1st already -- wow. Where has the summer gone? Right now I'm listening to the sound of crickets outside the windows. Their chirping brings back ol' Forest Garbage so vividly. In my mind I can still walk out the front door, sit on the steps with the gang and watch night fall...The Olympics ended this evening and for some reason their closing really affected me. I love the Games themselves, but what seemed to be more significant was the way they represent the passage of time. It's hard to comprehend that the next time I see them I might be in a different house with a 2 or 3 year old child...Got some cleaning and maintenance-type things done around here today. Don worked especially hard. Sure would be nice though, if he would mellow out some...Saw "And Then there Were None" on TV. What a classic.




August 2nd

Hullo. Kind of a nothing day at work today. Aaron's still too busy with the Haven contract to pay attention to my memo. I sure do get tired of having to play games with the high-ups; you know --  checking to see what kind of mood they're in before asking a question, etc. Can't wait until I'm high enough to have someone below me. I'll never pull that kind of shit. You can't remain a real person and ignore the Elinors of this world...Called Judy this evening. It was kind of an awkward conversation. She sounded like she used to in the days right after we were married -- a bit phoney and too casual. Her letter sounded more like the old Judy, but maybe she'll snap back, in person. They may be coming to visit the end of August...Had a nice lunch with Gail and Barb...Don's organ lessons are going well...Meeting over Pete's tonight to discuss unionizing.


August 3rd

The days just seem to be going by faster and faster...Had a big national scare today -- over 100 people who attended an American Legion conference in Philadelphia 2 weeks ago came down with an unknown virus that has killed 21 of them. It doesn't appear to be swine flu, but they won't know for sure what it is until tomorrow or the next day. With Dorothy and Barb sick, the swine flu epidemic and now this, I'm really nervous about my chances for a healthy pregnancy (when and if). Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Five years later, my father came down with a mysterious illness that they thought might be Legionaire's Disease, which is what they named this virus. The doctors weren't sure, but they later blamed it for weakening his heart and ultimately increasing his chances for a heart attack.

Aside from not feeling well, Barb's pretty excited about the possibility of her and Renee moving into that country house out on Skyline Drive. The girls' splitting up seems to represent the end of an era at CB...I had thought that driving the vans was the limit but now they might have me operating the switchboard. Oy vey...Aaron thinks I'm cute. Terrific.



August 4th

Kerri sure was cuddly tonight. She loves being held like a baby and scratched. Let's cross our fingers and hope that she stays well for the rest of the summer...You'll never guess what arrived today -- lo and behold, a BUFFET! Cindy really and truly brought it over around 6 and it looks excellent. Cindy, herself, looks different than I expected, but I guess that you can't help building up a certain mental image of someone based on month after month of just phone conversations...Speaking of never guessing, what do you think they have me doing at ol' CB now? Marketing research for diapers! Stan Seaman is sponsoring it as a fund-raising venture, and yours truly here gets to do the dirty work. They damn sight better get me some help! (Boy my resume is gonna look weird.)

I was trying to talk to doctors about how receptive they'd be to the idea of a new kind of diaper, a disposable one -- HUGGIES!

 Aaron's getting a little too huggy-chummy.

 In 1976, no one had heard of sexual harrassment yet but that is what I ended up dealing with when I worked under Aaron. It was extremely unpleasant. Thank goodness that no one has to put up with that any longer.


August 5th

So that stuff's no good, huh? Well you is wrong wrong wrong. Smoked a few while watching the Beach Boys Special. What an excellent show -- musically and technically. Sure brings back memories. Don and I had fun fooling around; it's good getting high with someone you can let out all the stops with...No word yet on the cause of that killer disease in PA. It's terrifying to think of that thing as spreading but it doesn't appear to have done so (yet)...Gary helped interpret my dream, pretty much along the lines I had already thought. He's more right than he knows about the different levels of my life...Dial-a-Diaper is going better. Glad to hear they're paying me for it...May finally have ovulated today, if that backache was what I though it was.




August 6th

Weirdo day. Lost my appetite around mid-afternoon and by dinnertime was achey and nauseous. Sure feels like I've been battling some bug or the other this past week. Felt better though after we went out shopping to Sears. Bought some curtain rods and hardware. Except for the pins, we're ready to go! Hard to believe, huh? Will have to do some more checking around though for the kitchen blinds...The weather was ghastly this evening and maybe that had something to do with the way I was feeling. It was all muggy and damp, but with an uncomfortable clammy, cool breeze. Yuck...Don took the day off today to catch up on some home things, and met me at the Center for lunch. I enjoyed introducing him around. He and Pete may go on a 4-day canoe trip next week...Jean heard Esser mention that they need to get money for "Tuckman, Schlenger and Ross". Keep your fingers crossed! Question: Will it [temperature] go up tomorrow?


August 7th

A coupla nice things: Guess who called at 11:30 last night? Yup, the phantom Greenbergs. Once again they had squandered their vacation away and had to return to Atlanta without seeing us. But we did get to talk for almost an hour and Laura will be coming back up in a month for 2 weddings. It felt so good to talk with them again. We really need to have another couple as friends...It went up today! Tomorrow, of course, will tell...Mom called this afternoon, all up in the air about her party. Should be quite some shindig, although I'm not too crazy about being the main attraction. Too bad we can't make the announcement. (Which reminds me, how do you like "Kevin" or "Lauri"?)...Rotten weather today; read and put up curtain rods.

"Lauri" -- interesting.  ;-)


August 8th

Boy do I smell like strawberries. We stopped by to see Diana and Jack on the way home from dinner at King's (the other girls were in VA at a bluegrass concert) and they were busy making strawberry jam. Really neat. We helped slice up the berries for the pot, but we had to leave before it got bubbly. We left, though, with a glass of peach jelly, canned earlier today...Today's weather was a continuation of yesterday's only wetter. I spent most of the time reading an Alistair McClean novel while waiting for Don to finish with the curtains in the living room. They took longer than he figured, however, so I didn't really get to do any cleaning...I'm getting awfully discouraged with that ol' temperature chart. It just doesn't make any sense at all. Hopefully this will be a fast and busy week so I don't have time to worry about it. Something good better work out with this diaper business.


August 9th

What an exciting day, for one good reason and one bad one. First the bad: In 2 hours or so, the full force of Hurricane Belle is expected to hit Long Island. They've been evacuating people all day and events have been cancelled left and right. We're not supposed to get it too bad, but we stockpiled some water anyway, just in case we lose electricity. It really is getting scary lately, what with diseases and storms and all that. Maybe the Messiah's coming?..



The good news: In between diaper calls today, I talked with Diane Ryerson about my possible involvement in the Family Life workshops that she and Linda Shimansky are writing up for C&E. In the course of our talk, we got into my OC and ended up in Dorothy's office, brainstorming a way for me to get into the proposal. What we ended up with is a new, separate program on Women Alone, including my area! More tomorrow.

It is so exciting to see here the beginnings of connections that led to big life changes. Aaron's secretary, Anna, was the door that led to me moving to Radburn;Diane and Linda introduced me to seminars for women; and down the road, Linda brought me onto the Board at FLMHC. Ya never know which of the people you meet are gonna be the game-changers...


August 10th

Sunny rises once more! Today was unbelievable what with running back and forth between the diaper survey, the C&E data and my program calls. I could really feel the adrenaline flowing though, and I kept up the pace right til 5:00. So I feel good about me again, but the Center is still as fucked up as ever. The state of affairs is now such that Esser won't even speak to Madame Hershey. Terrific, huh? Well, for my money, Dorothy Burdick is now where it's at and I'm just gonna follow her lead...Went clothes shopping this evening for something to wear to Mom's dinner. What a frustrating experience. Wish I didn't dislike shopping so much. Ended up with a nice pair of black slacks and a top. Now I need shoes and a choker to go with it...Don found a group of people to go Sunday bike-riding with. Hope it works out well. He's been working hard on straightening the cellar and it's really shaping up nicely.


August 11th

And Sunny strikes once more...You'll never believe this one gang, but guess where I'm going tomorrow? To meet with 2 funeral directors! Through a lucky coincidence in my walking through the yellow pages, I hit upon an author of a new pamphlet about widowhood who is involved in the organization of community services for widows. He wants to meet with us to see if there could be a link-up between our agencies and so Aaron and Dorothy are accompanying me over to Hackensack tomorrow. Ya know, I'm really beginning to amaze myself. I have talents, particularly in PR that I never dreamt of! Wish us luck...Went shoe shopping tonight, but no luck. Have to try Globe's on 17. Did get a nice inexpensive necklace at Fortunoff's though...Don cut the grass tonight...Nothing else new.


August 12th

Good evening...Well we tripped on over to the funeral home today and met with Alan Musicant and Steve. It was fascinating to watch Dorothy and Aaron work, but unfortunately nothing immediate was established other than the fact that Dorothy is going to present some ideas to Lebovitz next week when she meets with him. Hopefully we could place a student or staff member with their group and they would put up something along the lines of matching funds. In the meantime I'm going to be writing it up as an offshoot of the larger Women Alone program...Wendy called last night to tell us of her move to a new house and her enrollment in a Biostat and Epid. masters program for the fall. Sounds like she's finally getting her shit together...Barb and Renee over tonight to sort through Barb's slides. It was fun -- we all got kinda slap-happy.


August 13th

Blech. I ate too much of Peter's Chinese cooking feel really bloated. He made some dinner for us over here before he and Don went out for their inflatable kayak lesson. Seems that Pete got given the boat a few days ago and now he and Don are planning a weekend trip down the CT river. Looks like fun; kinda wish I could go too. Called Sue M. to see if maybe she wanted to come up tomorrow, but she has a wedding to go to. She sounded good, though, much better than when I last saw her a year ago...Well the Board is into hatchet jobs again, but I think that I've secured myself a place, at least for now. Aaron and Stan are very pleased with my work and Aaron is writing a memo to that effect to Esser and the Board. Only hope that my results are as good as my current high energy level.


August 14th

Quiet day, but kinda freaky. First off came the phone call of a few minutes ago. Don left with Pete this morning for CT, and at 10 comes this call for him, from someone who identifies himself only as Jim, and mispronounces Schlenger. I'm paranoid enough as it is, staying here alone, but having ingested magic brownies on top of it. Well, after hanging up, I think I figured out who it was (the guy Don met on the bike path) and I only hope that Don can straighten out what happened. Boy was I scared...The other strange thing was that in re-reading my baby books, I finally figured out what the pain of ovulation is supposed to feel like (like a mild appendicitis) and the BINGO, I got it! I thought, man this is too freakin' coincidental, but tomorrow's temp should tell...Schlengers stopped by on their way back from Ocean City. looked good.


August 15th

Nice day today. Quiet, unhurried, personal. (Except for Betty's banging of course. What the hell is she doing up there, shoeing horses?) I straightened, cleaned, played the organ a little, did some desk work. It was pleasant, for a change, not having to hassle or argue about routine matters. I was glad, though, to see Don when they got back at dinnertime. The trip, apparently, was fun, except for the fact that the boat took on water. I think I'd like to get involved in that kind of outing...Son-of-a-gun, temp was 98. That would put expected M time at two weeks from yesterday or after we get back from VA. So here goes the countdown!..Thought I'd throw in that I really am hooked on "Danny" (what? again?). NO, silly, on those frozed yogurts on a stick. Really delicious.




August 16th

What refreshing weather we had today; felt like fall was just around that proverbial corner. Remember going back to school? And Robert Hall sales? And the smell of bookbags and looseleaf pencil holders and lunch boxes and the August issue of "Seventeen"?



Remember shopping at Woodmoor, and Woolworth's at the Plaza; Mitchell's and the Hecht Company? I could, of course, go on and on -- the list is endless. It still seems so real, so here and now it's almost scary; like being in 2 worlds at once sometimes. Maybe planning for a baby brings it that much closer, I dunno. Speaking of which, that ovulation pain or whatever is still here. Do they really go on for 3 days?...Lady Luck smiled down on me again -- I now have a banker interested in my Woman Alone program. C'mon, Sunny, knock 'em dead!..Wish B. Berg some luck now. Joe is really shafting her these days.


August 17th

Darn my feet. Would you believe, there is NO place in Paramus, and probably in NJ either for that matter, that carries 6 AAAs? Lovely, huh? That gives me one morning at Hess' to come up with a fall and winter shoe wardrobe. Shit...Bunny, Jackie and Jamie stopped by the Center today to drop off our anniversary present -- an absolutely magnificent dried flower arrangement for the dining room table. I showed them around Haven, and it felt pretty good. Brian is apparently is back from vacation, and you know, that whole episode of my life seems so long ago and far away. Now it just kinda seems like a shame...This evening the 3 of us took a walk in the park and afterwards played backgammon (no, not Kerri). It was a pleasant atmosphere, the kind of time I miss most sitting outside with friends.


August 18th

Well, it's happened again. For the 3rd time in a year, I'm about to be uprooted. ("I have stood all that I can stand and I can't stands no more!") The board has withdrawn virtually all possibility of my being funded properly within the next few months, and what's more, they're planning to divert all special income into their kitty. Who the hell needs to bust their balls at minimum wage just to have the profits drained away? Well, screw 'em all. As upset as I am with the prospect of leaving such a good staff and of having my ideas and programs nipped in the bud, I'm still prepared to sell my talents elsewhere. And probably not in the mental health field either. I'm now convinced that I can do just about anything, given half a chance, and I may have to do just that. God do I need a vacation!!


August 19th

Boy am I pooped. Ya know something? The world is really crazy (so what else is new?). It would seem that it really doesn't pay to get perturbed by anything, 'cause there's always something else waiting around that little ol' corner. This morning Stan comes in and says that if the Board does make us cough up that $30,000 then he's not gonna do any more contracts through the Center. And would I be interested in working for HIM if nothing else pans out? It would be part-time that could be done from home, and for pregnancy would, of course, be ideal. We'll have to see...Am going ahead with my Needs Survey after we get back...Ford won the nomination and picked Dole as a running mate. How does "President Carter" sound to you?.. K.D. and I ran into a skunk in the park. Ho Ho.


August 20th

Well, here we are again in ol' Bawlmer. What a terrific evening. We stopped at Luskins on the way down and bought a Pong game for Mom and Dad's anniversary. Boy do they love it! And there's a whole bunch of gifts for us stacked up in the corner of their bedroom. Should be a neat weekend...Couldn't wait to get out of work today. The urge to run away on vacation was so strong it was almost a physical thing. Come to think of it, it's been a long time since we've taken off for a week at a time for the sole purpose of relaxing. Let's hope the weather stays nice!..I must say that Don and I were very nice to each other on the way down and it felt especially good in terms of where we are now, 5 years after we said, "I do"...Mom saw Denise Stein's baby and is now all ready to be a grandma. Believe me, it's hard to lie.


August 21st

Boy was the adrenalin flowing tonite, folks. Had a 2 hour conversation with Sue Molofsky that was just amazing. I really like her and am glad that she's planning to stay with us that weekend at the beach. Maybe she'll come up with Sally...Speaking of which, while I talked on the phone this evening, Don, Jeff and Sally went out to a little nightclub to hear a Glenn Miller imitation band play. I didn't feel like going, but Dad said that the band was supposed to be excellent...Went shopping this morning, first with Don and Jeff at Hess' and then with Mom at Newbury Place. Clothes-shopping was rewarding, but trying to get shoes is murder. I ended up with 3 pairs, none exactly what I had in mind. As Mom would say, "shitfuckdamn"...Been playing Pong and it's amazing how competitive everyone is.


August 22nd

God am I zonkered. This day was really something else. This morning we got thrown out of the apartment early as Gladys needed to get started on the place. Dad, Jeff, Don and I had breakfast at the Pancake House and then the 2 of us headed on down to Milton and Sophie's. Unfortunately there's construction down there, and the new development may crowd things to the point where they'll have to move. As much as Don and I would love to live there, I don't think that we could afford the eventual depreciation that would come. Anyway, we took the boat out to the bay and fished for a few hours, but didn't catch anything. I was kinda disappointed. So we came back home to the party. It was a really nice affair. No matter how screwed up we may be individually, we have a damn good time when we're all together.



August 23rd

Am I happy. I sure do love vacations! So here we are again in Shenandoah National Park, at Skyland, in Hazeltop Cabin #155. Five years later and it doesn't look a bit different (other than just a mite bit shabbier). The weather is lovely and hopefully will stay that way. No more hurricanes for us!...One little disturbing note is that for the last 2 days I've had a blood-tinged discharge and this afternoon I experienced slight cramping. Hope it doesn't signify anything...It's so great to breathe clean, fresh air again. Just sitting on our balcony and watching the valley below is an indescribable experience. Am looking forward to unwinding...


August 24th (Our Anniversary)

Five years ago today -- Tuesday, August 24, 1971. And what did we do to celebrate? We walked our socks off, that's what. We hiked a 5 mile loop down the mountain and back up again and let me tell you, some stretches of it were murder. Highlights, though, were the delightful area where we stopped for lunch (by a crystal clear pool from the falls) and the deer that we saw. The food here hasn't really been anything special, but then again it's hard to tell when you've been smashed by a Black Russian. After dinner this evening we took a ride back to Big Meadows, and it was sort of spooky, but neat, riding along the Drive with the mist settling down around you and blurring the edges of the mountains. Tomorrow it's up early for fishing.




August 25th

Well folks, it's time for "Are we or aren't we?" If I'm psyching myself into this, I'm doing a damn good job.

It's hard to re-read this -- the first of so many years of wishing and hoping to be pregnant and coming up short. *sigh* Of course it all worked out in the end but I remember the disappointment vividly.

Went fishing today and had a real/reel education in trout lore/lure (ho ho). We ran into a guy who is writing a guide on trout fishing in this area, and he showed us a good place to stop, and lent us a spinner. We never so much as saw a trout, but we had fun anyway, casting into the trees and watching the butterflies dance. There's something about the sound of rushing water and gently blowing breezes that makes you feel glad to be alive.


August 26th

Well well well, back to Balto again. It's still hot and muggy, but I'm glad that didn't detract from our trip any...This morning we got up early and took a walk near the cabin. It was kinda buggy but it still felt nice to be alone out there, communing with nature. Next came breakfast, then back to the cabin to pack. All in all it was a nice vacation; my only conplaint being that we didn't do any real socializing. Think we'll be back in 5 years?..Went to National [National Fashions, the wholesale millinery company begun by the Hyman family] later in the afternoon and then picked up some crabs for dinner before going over Frank and Gerri's. I listened for awhile to Jeff's multi-band radio. Sure brings back memories, but what doesn't?..Frank and Gerri are as strange as ever, especially with Barney, their new addition. Spoiled rotten, that dog is. Really makes Kerri look like obedience trial material!


August 27th

Shitfuckdamn. Guess what came today. Yup, and that's it for this month. Well, we'll just chalk it up to experience and next should be a little easier to figure out (and hopefully more successful)...Other than that, today was really nice. We went to D.C. and saw the Hirschorn Museum and new Smithsonian Air and Space Bldg -- both classy and impressive places. The movie about flight was especially neat; I enjoy soaring about when I don't have to leave the ground. The weather is still hot, damp and muggy but at least the rain managed to hold off 'til we were out of the mountains...We had dinner over Sally's finally (her apt. looks great) and shot the bull for awhile. It's kind of a downer to head on back tomorrow (especially now that my "friend" has arrived) but week after next -- the beach!)


August 28th

Back home again to my nice, comfortable pen. It IS good to be back again, despite the fact that we had such a pleasant vacation. After all, there's nothing like sleeping in one's own bed. Kerri Dog is as cute (and ugly) as ever and just as raunchy. I guess we'll hold off on her bath 'til we get back from the beach...The ride home was not the most tranquil; we had another blow-up about obligations and the baby. My gripe was that with Don, there's no such thing as a free gift -- everything comes with strings attached. His complaint was more like variations on a theme -- that all the reality problems around here are left to him. We'll work it out, but mainly I'm just glad that we can talk about it...Rick S. made his annual anniversary call tonight and it was good talkin' to him. Think he'll ever settle down?


August 29th

Boy do I have a headache. I've had it all day and nothing seems to help. It's been so long since I've felt this poorly, though. Remember when I used to get headaches all the time? Nevertheless, I managed to get a lot accomplished, like thank-you notes, food shopping, dishes, etc. I think I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to starting the Systems Survey and to seeing if I got any mail; I only hope the place and people have remained intact during my absence...Don's trying to get back into the old studying routine, with the target date of Nov. 1st for his exam. Here we go again?..The Schlengers called late last night. We may have to go back to Balto Oct. 10th for Bunny's father's 80th B-day party...Judy L called today; they won't be able to make it here next weekend.


August 30th

Oh joy, the dog's about to go into heat and this time we have the white rug to worry about. Shit...On the brighter side of things, today dawned clear, beautiful, bright and cool. Really felt like fall. Hope it gets just a bit warmer next week though. And please pray that there's no sludge down there (or hurricanes, either!)...Well, my way at work is becoming clear. Now that the Woman Alone program is about to become a reality, I have only to set the whole thing up, and then threaten to quit. If that doesn't work, I still have Medifax waiting for me in the wings. In the meantime, I also started my Systems Survey. You know, it really feels great though to be part of such a dynamic team. Aaron, Dorothy, Yvonne and Diane are terrific people and I'm learning so much from them.


August 31st

Crazy weather we're having. This morning it was down in the 40's -- record-low temps for this date. And it's even getting dark before 8:30. Can it be possible that we've come to the end of summer so quickly? Unreal. Speaking of unreal, that was the word for lunch today. Haven is holding a 2-day staff workshop, and I joined 15 other aides on a ride in the van to the stage Deli and the Ridgewood duckpond. What a bunch of kooks. Berg was back today for awhile (she moved out to Wanaque this afternoon) but Pete is still recovering from the bug...Things are going full-steam ahead at work, so at least for awhile, pregnancy won't be such a big issue.