This is reall weird -- writing in a diary again after all these years. Sure brings back memories.
Well -- here we are again -- another new year! And once again I'm full of resolutions:
- improve professional "image" at work
- detach myself from Brian
- develop creative potential!
- remember that the more you do, the more you *can* do
And it turns out that I accomplished them all this month! The power of intention at work.
Don and I are a little down after the vacation. it never seems like enough time and I really do miss not being closer [to Baltimore]. Still, I certainly wasn't sorry to be coming back to Paramus.
Onward and upward!
My first job after grad school was with Project Haven, a deinstitutionalization program run though Central Bergen Mental Health Center in Paramus. I co-ran the Sheltered Workshop, where patients carded and assembled brushes on an assembly line. The patients were former residents of Greystone Psychiatric Hospital in Morristown, who had been discharged into halfway houses in the surrounding towns. They were now responsible for taking their own medication. My co-worker in the Shop was Brian, Al was my boss and Phyllis his assistant.
January 5th
Kind of a blah day at work today, but very nice at home this evening.
Walking into that crowded, cluttered office at work is getting to be a real pain, but Al assured me that Bob is still on his way out. I didn't have much contact with any staff other than Brian today, and he seemed a bit cool, probably on account of his cold. At any rate, it appeared like we had some sort of silent agreement only to talk about work-related issues. (Monty and Bob F. are forepersons this week.)
Had 4 good games of ping-pong tonite.
Must start to diet and call the dentist!
January 6th
Boy is it cold! I sure don't remember Chapel Hill being *this* chilling. Remember Gordon Kaufman from Jr. High? I read in the paper today that he got married. Somehow I have trouble imagining 23 year old Kaufmans and Malones.
Speaking of 23 year olds -- Brian went home sick again today. Maybe that's why he's seemed so preoccupied. I was a bit annoyed, but managed to surprise myself once again with my efficiency in keeping things going. I even put out a payroll by myself!
Don's going great guns with the [miniature railroad] track plans -- looks terrific!
January 7th
I feel less angry now, but I'm still pretty pissed at both Al and Monty. Monty had a right to be disturbed by that pompous old goat from the state government, and he did handle his feelings pretty well in connection with his job, but *I* also had a right to be annoyed by his "distracted" behavior. And since Al was the one who encouraged me to bring it up, he could have at least supported me somewhat. At the very least, he didn't have to appear to support Monty's contention that I could be doing a better job myself. At any rate, I'll speak to both of them tomorrow.
Damn Brian's illnesses!
( I love coming back to this house at night...)
January 8th
Ooh what a day. Work being so miserable and Don being so wonderful. I'm writing a list of my grievances here, which will soon decrease in number, I hope:
- Almost 4 months have gone by and I've never gotten a desk.
- Never received a copy of my job responsibilities.
- Have hardly any opportunity to do any testing or interpretation.
- Doing much more physical work than expected or cared for.
- Receive *no* feedback on performance.
Bob mentioned today that he is being "evicted" so maybe I can soon cross off #s 1 & 3. And Mike Goldstein is supposed to start on Monday, which might take care of #4. I still think I'll talk to Gary, though, about my frustration with the feedback thing. I have to know if it's them or me.
Don's surprise flowers and taking me out to dinner sure were nice. I hope his studying regime doesn't pull him down in the dumps again.
January 9th
It sure seems like in writing this diary I'm making time zoom by much quicker. Everytime I turn around, I'm making another night's entry!
I talked to Gary today, and Jack and Bob. Gary was more professional than I think I had expected; that is to say, he concentrated on examining dynamics rather than on personal feelings of advice. At any rate, I'm coming to the point where I have to take the plunge as a professional, and formulate my own identity, independent of role models, camraderie or Al's (non-existent) pats on the head.
Barb Schlenger and her boyfriend, Butch, are here for the night. Sure surprised us when he turned out not to be Michele!
January 10th
Had the strangest dream last night and it really affected me today. Dreamt that I was pregnant and that I was experiencing exactly what it would feel like in reality. It turned out that I had to terminate the pregnancy, but I remember thinking with relief, at least I know that I'm fertile. At any rate, it got me thinking about the whole baby business again. Maybe we'll give it a try next year this time.
A prophetic dream that would come true 3 years later.
Listening to music tonight -- for some reason I felt especially secure and satisfied with my present situation in life.
Don bought the wood today; we might get started on the layout construction tomorrow.
January 11th
And it's Sunday again. Sometimes it seems as though my life goes straight from taco to taco.
It snowed all day today -- soft, white, relaxing. Too bad it doesn't affect me the same way it did as a kid. I just don't have that same old urge to hurl myself into the drifts. Speaking of which, whatever happened to good old drifts? These days, if you get 2 inches it's a big deal.
Wish Kerri would finish up with her spotting. Keeping her locked in the kitchen and dining room is depressing both her and us. Looking forward to breeding her this summer.
Re-arranged bedroom furniture today. Looks pretty good and felt nice. Wish that other stuff would arrive.
January 12th
Boy, that was some 2" snow! The vans couldn't make it in today, so the Shop census was very small. Bruce, of course, managed to get himself in, and we all had a good laugh over that one...I had a *first* today -- I told Monty to go shove it. It was a good feeling, but unfortunately not guilt-free. Al will be out both tomorrow and Wednesday, so we'll have to see how things go with him...Brian's back -- a bit thinner and growing a mustache, but otherwise pretty much the same. (Come to think of it, I don't know what I expected.) Steve Kellogg is very sexy. Mike Isen is strange.
Nite!
January 13th
Interesting day -- Monty appeared after informing us that he wouldn't be back for 2 days, and told us separately and together that we could all go fuck ourselves. He was continually abusive until Phyllis told him to leave the Center, at which time he replied, "Make me." We were on the verge of calling the cops when he finally calmed down...Jack Peck is sure an ego booster...Found a New York Magazine devoted entirely to organization. Really started me thinking again about my business and book...Brian definitely is a male chauvinist when it comes to being disagreed with. I know he isn't stuck up, but he sure comes off sounding know-it-all and patronizing.
January 14th
Boy what a headache -- first day in quite a while as a matter of fact. Al left me with those lousy Level of Service reports to do, and of course it took me almost the whole day to get the figures to match up. Then, like a dummy, I go to work on Time Cards. My poor eyes...I've gotta confront Brian with this denial-of-my-feelings issue. He's really getting irritating. If only I weren't so afraid of making waves...Sharon comes up for discussion tomorrow at Treatment Review. It certainly is a thorny problem. Inasmuch as I don't think she ought to be removed from the Center (i.e. Shop), I still feel very much for Ann. We'll have to see.
January 15th
Another unbelievable day. First came the 3 hour marathon session with Brian. There are no words to describe the way that boy comes across. So incredibly dogmatic, even as he defended his flexibility. I think I stood up for myself, though, even though some of his criticisms did make the whole situation seem painfully unreal. For some reason, he is concerned about whether or not we're still friends. I'll never understand him...Sharon took up most of the rest of the day. With new suicide threats and Ann's fears not being dealt with satisfactorily in Treatment Review, Gary finally got us and Day Care to sit down together and discuss the situation. If she doesn't shape up, she's gonna be shipped out.
January 16th
Well, the Sharon question finally got resolved today -- she'll be kept at the Pines (we hope) until she's properly medicated, and if & when she's prepared to take injections at the Center, we'll have her reviewed as far as returning to the Shop. I really enjoyed the meetings in terms of the learning experienced they provided...Lent Brian Notes to Myself (Gary wants it next) in the hopes that he might see the connection between what Prather and I are saying...Had lunch with Jack and Diana today; hard to believe he's as old as 26 when he looks like 22...Saw "Volcano" on the tube tonight -- what incredible photography!...Talked to Mom on the phone; asked her to call me next time she's feeling low.
January 18th
Brr...Another cold night...Today was a regular ol' Sunday. Slept late, read the paper, went back to bed, had lunched, cleaned, had dinner, watched TV, read, etc. Don got some of the wood cut for the table, so we'll be able to start drilling and stuff soon...Don and I talked a bit about my nagging him and why I do it. As I see it, I just need to know that I can trust that something will get done in a certain period of time. If we're both aware of what's happening, we can probably work something out, although I'll always be more compulsive about housework that he is...Uh oh, just remembered that tomorrow's the day Monty will find his time card missing and Al won't be in. Should be "veddy interesting",,,
January 19th
It's amazing how really good days can come out of ones that start so badly. First thing this morning, Sharon shows up at the Center, Monty turns up in Al's office and Brian politely asks me to move out of (his) office (the son of a bitch). Brian apparently felt that I was trying to manipulate him into opening up communications by lending him the book, and he informed me that I should take all future problems regarding him to Al. Then the bastard turns around and resumes a cordial work relationship with me like nothing ever happened.
I immediately set up housekeeping on 2 cardboard cartons in Vince's office. As far as everyone else knows, I moved out to make room for Mike and to get the testing program started...Sharon was taken back to the hospital after a long talk with Phyllis and Sue Funke. And miracle of miracles, I handled Monty all by myself! He left after lunch, but at least I had quieted him down somewhat and even got him to volunteer working on the line.
The best parts, though, came at lunch, when I had a chance to talk over the Brian problem with Mary Ann, and during the training session when I shared my feelings of isolation with the rest of the group. I got some good feedback, especially from Sue Stember who said that she'd like to get together with me sometime, and some good insight: I realized that I felt uncomfortable about Mike Goldstein's imminent arrival, in terms of the implied alliance with Brian. By that I mean I see a link between Brian and Mike, Al & Phyllis, with me and Vince somewhere in the middle. I'm really going to work on making a unique place for myself with this testing thing, although I think that it may possibly isolate me even more.
January 20th
Today didn't seem that bad at all, but after I got home and was listening to records, I suddenly found myself sobbing. It was as if all the hurt and frustration had popped out all at once. A number of things are impacting me, but the one that's begun to stand out the most is that I'm starting to get angry, really angry at Brian for treating me like such a shmo.
Through talking to Don and Mom, I'm learning that the name of the game is *power* and if I really want to get back at Brian, the most effective way will probably be by excelling at my testing function and thereby playing up my threat to him. By the way, Mike took another job.
January 21st
TPA went into effect today -- The Power Approach. Its outward effects were negligible, but I definitely felt better in regards to the strength of my position. I think that I both looked and acted more professional. I also went about ignoring Brian, which wasn't really all that professional, but it made me feel better.
I confided in Bob today about Brian, as he has a similar problem with John Bruno. What a bunch of assholes run this place...Wayne talked to me privately about his future plans. I really was flattered...Larry finally got a job, as a messenger...Monty's out job-hunting...Don got word that his trip to Phoenix is on. Those 8 days will be rough, but if the weather's nice, Mom will be coming up to stay with me that first weekend.
January 22nd
Jesus Christ is it cold. It's actually going down to 0 degrees tonite!...Pretty nice day all around: It was a work day for the most part, as the roads were too icy for the vans and so the patients didn't come in. I finished up my graphing and even sent in those 2 Strongs. Brian made a delivery to Lola, for the time he was around I really played it cool. I'm still not initiating any conversation and I don't look at him as we pass in the hall. I hope he enjoys getting what he wanted.
We had an all-Haven meeting at 3:00 at which Esse emphasized his open-door policy. I decided to take him up on it, and at 11 tomorrow I'm going to discuss my organizational counseling with him. Who knows what might come of it...
January 23rd
*Red-letter day! I spoke with Esser this morning and the conversation really exceeded my greatest expectations. It turns out that he has a very special interest in environmental planning as it relates to mental health, and although his work is much more conceptual than mine, he can foresee the possibility of a local market for organizational counseling that might develop into a separate consultation service for the Center! He wants me to outline a sample presentation for a local group. And it could go anywhere from there...
Coffee table arrived today; simply smashing! We moved the orange chair and glass table into the bedroom, to make room for a more appropriate new chair...Schlengers stopped by tonite...Dinner with Breskow in the city Wednesday.
January 24th
You know, as much as I love this diary, it sometimes takes all the discipline I can muster to get me to write in it before I go to sleep. Maybe it's just the cold, and the fact that snuggling under the covers looks so inviting...Had a lot of fun getting the car started this morning (ho ho ho). It took a hot shot and a lot of running before it stopped sounding like a squeaky wheel...Had a nice dinner at Tom Sawyer's. It must be the fact that work is often so noisy and anxiety-provoking that makes me look toward the weekends as "havens" (ho ho ho once again) of rest. I know that Don would've liked a more active evening than watching TV, but frankly I was bushed. So, maybe the day was a bit quiet, but it was much needed.
January 25th
Don and I had 2 big fights today, both, I think, related to the upcoming Phoenix trip. The push-pull dynamic is really evident as we both strive to manage the feelings of separation. In addition, though, there's the old problem of who does more, who demands the most, whose schedule becomes the determining factor, etc. I do think that we understand and accept each other better than ever before, and if we work on communicating our needs we'll do just fine...Car goes in for a tune-up tomorrow evening. When we finally got it started up it sounded just awful. Keep your fingers crossed for me in the morning...Watched the "American Spirit" special tonight. Wasn't half-bad for a bicentennial show, especially the way they did the old songs.
January 26th
Let's see...Oh yes, Larry and Monty came trooping back in today. Too bad we don't have a support system available for people in T.E. I think that maybe Phyllis' idea of opening up on Wednesday nite would be a big help...Vince got started on my astrology chart over the weekend. He claims that my Pisces rising is the cause for the calm, controlled exterior that I usually present to the world. Hmnnn...
Told Al in group today about my feelings of isolation back there as a result of not having a peer group. As I expected, he didn't want to deal with it...Gary helped me plan for my O.S. presentation. Gave me some good suggestions for idea expansion...[Must remember Dentist and License!]...Brought home New School catalogue. Wow!...Took in car for tune-up.
January 27th
Decided I really don't want to go to dinner in the city tomorrow evening with Breskow and partner. It's a big hassle getting there, what with leaving work early and all, I don't have anything appropriate to wear, most of the discussion will be over my head. I feel bad about changing my mind and letting Don down, but I also have strong feelings about not going...Chris (the biofeedback guy) called me today, at the suggestion of Esser, to collaborate on how best to introduce his technique to local business and industry. That Esser is hardly giving me time to catch my breath!... The Klotzmans got robbed of $40,000 when they were out of town. I feel just sick about it...Don got a $1900 raise with the promise of more to come in September!...Only thing wrong with the car was the automatic choke.
January 28th
And the countdown begins for Don's trip...Jack and MaryAnn will be coming over for dinner this week...I'm really disappointed that the Veyhls had to go and get sick when Mom is coming up. What with their warm-weather weekends spent at the shore, they'll never get to meet the folks...Thank goodness Betty's OK. maybe our caring for Mackie will bring us a little closer...Went out to lunch with Barbara and MaryAnn today. Barb's folks are involved in Marriage Encounter and I might be able to talk to them and find out more about it...Al broached the subject of my isolation in our meeting today and I found out that he really does care, even if he can't express it very well...I don't hate Brian anymore...Typed my memo for Esser tonight.
January 29th
Thursday nite and all is well. (Let's keep our fingers crossed.)...Monty has another new job, this time as doorman for the Stratford House in Hackensack. Small world, huh?...I sure wish I knew what the hell ever happened to Laura and Carl...Had an unusual educational experience today when I spent most of the afternoon reading the Stong to Bruce. His lack of experience made it almost seem like I was giving the test to a Martian...Don might rent a car 'til Saturday; Peykar forgot to take him home today...Mom comes in at 5:00 tomorrow.
January 30th
This feels really weird -- Mom's here tonight and Don leaves tomorrow morning for 1 1/2 weeks. What a strange combination, neither thing having happened before. On top of that, we watched "Deliverance" on TV this evening. Also, Mom informed me that our scale weight 4 lbs. light. And it had been such a nice day...Group was very good this morning. Al wasn't in so Phyllis and I ran one large meeting. Monty got some feedback on his entrance into the world of work and we talked in general about the way people seem to be moving. Very exciting!...Had lunch with Jack and Diana, and Diana invited me to her birthday party next Friday nite...Wish Esser would respond to my memo.
January 31st
Well, it's started. As I expected, I felt somewhat depressed today; thank goodness Mom was here. It's entirely an emotional thing, I know -- it's almost as though I were feelings pangs akin to a permanent separation. So crazy. I do wish that Don had called. I think that would have made things seem a little more real...Mom and I had a nice time together today. We went to Bergen Mall and the Fashion Center, had lunch at the Cafe Promenade, looked through my under-the-bed chest (almost died laughing reading Sue M's old letter about Sandy and the melted records), made Beef with Peppers and Tomatoes for dinner, and watched TV, including most of Saturday Night Live. Only annoying part was Betty's get-together where one of the ladies laughed just like Aunt Minnie.
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