There's so much to write -- I hope that I remember to get it all in. First off -- I made a little discovery yesterday. Maybe I had better call it another revelation, as my eyes were suddenly opened to a fact that Don and Amy have been telling me for quite awhile: Joanne Kramer ain't no friend of mine. Not in the true sense of the word. Surprisingly, the only emotion I feel is one of mild disgust with myself for looking up to her the way that I did and trying to rationalize every damned action of hers, to prove her friendship. I guess she isn't really a hypocrite; she just isn't capable of the "loyalty" that my kind of friendship requires.
Terry's back to her typical obnoxious self but for the first time my strength and self-confidence are equal to her bitchiness. I no longer feel intimidated; it's almost amusing in a perverted sort of way. At any rate, we talk, we don't talk -- it's all the same to me. I really don't give a goddamn, pardon my French. I've got Amy, Don and everyone else and I'm looking forward to sharing a double with Amy next year. What heaven! Can you imagine being able to sleep when I want, study when I want...why it will be like living in a different world!
Interestingly enough, I feel a sort of pity for Joanne. I wonder if she'll ever know what she's losing. Well, she should be happy anyway -- after all she'll still have Terry.
I like walking across city streets in the rain. you can see your reflection in what looks like a glistening black lake.
"CAPTURE NOW"
From The World's Love Poetry:
"If you care to know
How much it is I love you
Stand at Tago Bay
And count the number of waves
As they roll in toward the shore."
-- Fujiwara No Okikaze
"Ah, woe to that heart in which there is no passion,
which is not spell-bound by heart-cheering love!
The day that thou spendest without love,
there is no day more useless to thee than that day."
-- Omar Khayyam
"M y bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite."
-- William Shakespeare
What Manner of Thing is Love
"Love is a force so strong
it rules all reason.
A force of such power
it turns all minds
by its power and desire.
'Tis a mighty power
unconquerable,
whose strength is renewed
when we try to resist.
'Tis pleasure with sorrow
and sorrow with joy.
Pain with sweetness
and might with fear.
Fear with daring
and pleasure with rage.
Glory with passion
and faith with desire.
Force used by the eyes
to rule brain and heart.
Captivity
but prison free.
A loss of freedom
compulsion of will.
Apart from all reason
filled with suspicion
engendered by love.
Desire with madness
unknowing of what it most wants to see.
A kind of madness in the changes it makes.
Sometimes shows sadness,
at other times, joy, as it wishes and pleases.
A longing which burdens,
pains and fatigues
the absent one.
A reticence which makes
the present one silent
on what he feels
fearing pain to say."
-- Jorge Manrique
How Do I Love Thee?
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears of all my life! - and, if God chose,
I shall but love thee better after death."
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I do believe I'm returning to my long-lost love of poetry...
February 17th
Some more switches -- these pretty permanent, I think.
Ho ho. Ever the optimist...
My last entry about Jo was written in a defiant mood, and shortly thereafter we had the whole thing out. She now realizes that for her to continue to act the way she does in the room with Terry (exclusive of me) is to lose me as a friend. That old word, priorities, pops up again, and I'm still #1 with her in this room. She promised that she'd make clear to Terese her intentions as far as I'm concerned, and so far she's been true to her word.
As for me, I'm still a little doubtful about next year's rooming situation. I definitely want to live with Amy and it's good now to have the security of knowing in advance what our arrangements will be. But then again, I may want to room with Joanne, depending on whether or not she asks me to. It would be perfect if I could swing a triple with Jo, Amy and I, but Amy has already said that she'd rather not room with anyone else and I can understand how she feels. So, if it comes down to it, I'll probably go ahead and just get a double with Amy. I know, I know -- you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I have this tremendous urge to beat up Terry. As my mother would say, the pendulum has swung from one extreme at the beginning of the year when I was first uncertain, confused and afraid of her, through our bitter cold war stage, to pitiful amusement and finally now, to outright hatred. I can't wait for her to provoke me so I can really tell her to fuck off. Boy, could I ever tear her apart (hey hey hey)...
I once heard somewhere that the word "being" in a synonym for "being in love".
I was sitting in Psych class the other night, furiously taking notes, when I happened to glance around me and I noticed now funny everybody's pens looked wagging their way across the pages. I'd like to make a movie short one day, setting the movement of people's pens to music.
Joann had a good idea for a collage -- bubble gum comics!
Did you know that King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines? Amy and I figured that if he had to take care of all of them in one night, he'd be able to spend only 4 1/2 minutes with each one!
I love sitting here and listening to Mantovani's movie theme songs. The ones like "The Magnificent Seven" and "Ben Hur" make me want to be in a western or watch a Roman epic.
Saw "The Graduate" again tonite for the third time. What a cool movie. Seeing it as a college student changed my entire perspective and I found meanings where I hadn't before. First of all, I had to adjust to seeing a skinny Dustin Hoffman squeezed onto a tiny screen in the ballroom of the new Student Center. The audience was marvelous, however, especially their reaction to Ben's immortal words when asked by his father what the purpose of 4 years of college education was -- "Ya got me!" I hadn't realized the extent of the symbolism -- the tremendous "water" bit, the fishbowl effect, "plastics", the switching on and off of lights, the "Do Not Tease" sign at the monkey cage in the zoo...I'm now left with the feeling that I could see it over and over again and still appreciate it. Dustin Hoffman is a tremendous actor, and as always after this movie, I have a new appreciation of Simon and Garfunkel.
Back to Terry for a sec -- ya know, it's really wild -- I've never been hated by anyone before! Now that I'm not insecure about her any longer, and I know that her hatred is irrational, I can't wait for her to fight back. ZAP!
Shortly after I got back to my room after the movie, Amy knocked on the door. When I opened it and saw her standing there in tears, I was practically dumb with shock. Only a real tragedy could ever make Amy cry. As it turns out, the problem is close to a tragedy -- the gradual loss of a close friend. Ricky, apparently, has gone the way of the drug-obsessed crowd he travels with, becoming insensitive and obnoxious to Amy along the way. I really didn't know what to say, even though I suffered the same blow from Judy.
It's really unbelievable how everyone changes in college. I was telling Joanne at dinner how I could never go through the hell of being a freshman again. I mean, although you're always being confronted with new experiences and situations in your life, freshman year is comparable to being dumped from the firepan into the fire. I've had enough trouble with two roommates; what about the kids who've had to adjust to five? You're forced to really face yourself, maybe for the first time, and like Don says, you find out who your real friends are, and what a real friend is.
Looking back now, I try and think over how much I've changed and in what ways. It's funny, but even Woodlawn and Forest Garbage seem more real to me that the last few months of school. It feels like I was stranded on a desert island and have had to fend for myself, or else. And what I've learned! Namely -- self-reliance to a large extent. Responsibility. Patience (my God have I learned patience!). Confidence in myself and my ability to relate to people with similar outlooks and ambitions, as well as my ability to understand others who are different.
I'm afraid that I'll always be kind of naive as far as wanting to believe the best of people but at least I'm learning how to be more prepared for disappointments. I don't know whether I'm rationalizing or not when I say that GW is the place for me, but I am convinced that this place is whatever you make of it. I've gained enough perspective on myself to be able to look at super-straight people like Randy and Beth and see how far I have to go if I'm ever to achieve the level of openness and honesty that they have. Somehow I'm reminded of one of Sharon Sauter's letters to Don where she says, "At 16 years old I thought that I was as mature as I could ever be, but now that I'm 18 I realize how dumb I was to think that. I see how much I've grown and now at 18, I know that I'm as mature as I'll ever be." (?!)
Simon & Garfunkel really turn me on. Speaking of turning on, I realize now that if I ever smoke pot, it's doubtful that I would get high. Besides the fact that I probably couldn't even inhale, I just don't have the proper mental state. I'm not looking for kicks, a temporary lift or an escape, and from what I hear, curiosity usually doesn't get you much.
Well, I was wrong. I could and I did.
My relationship with Don has benefited from all that I've gone through this year. I feel like I'm not as dependent on him as far as being capable of making my own way, which is definitely a healthy way to be.
**This is quite the eye-opener. It's clear that I was a much stronger person before I started living with Don. Going with him might have been an advantage for me at GW (I had some security from which to operate), but once I transfered to Hopkins, my self-reliance was compromised. We embarked on a co-dependent way of living and it was, unfortunately, downhill from there.
February 18th
"In my mind I can't study war no more --
Save the people
Save the children
Save the country"
-- Laura Nyro
Love is the 5th season, the 6th sense and the 8th wonder.
I had an idea for a new invention recently -- a bookmark that not only marks the page, but also has an adjustable horizontal piece to mark the line!
If you check the date of the invention of the page holder for typing something, you'll see that my idea pre-dates it by several years. ;-)
I heard awhile ago on the radio about a phone number at Georgetown University that you should call if you're interested in hearing a calendar of their weekly events. Well, the number they gave was FEDICAB, in letters instead of numbers! What an easy way to remember.
While waiting in line for 2 hours to get my adviser's signature during registration, I overheard some kids playing word games to pass the time. One girl suggested that they all try to think of synonyms for the word "really". Very interesting, and funny, too!
"Tomorrow
when we have
learned to see the man
instead of the color,
pride
may overcome poverty,
new buildings
may replace blight,
dead farms
may rise again
from the dust
and our country
can grow as it has
never grown before."
"It takes two to make a peace, but only one to make a war."
-- Pat Frank, Alas, Babylon
February 24th
I have a real ambitious project for the summer! I decided a while ago that I'd like to pick a topic and learn everything I can about it, and The Harrad Letters have provided me with my topic. Rimmer included extensive bibliographies in the 3 books which I have of his, all somehow related to the philosophy underlying his proposals. The books range from political and religious concerns to sensitivity group encounters and sex. it's absolutely unbelievable how widely read this man is -- Malcolm X to Abraham Maslow!
I'm determined now to absorb as much information as possible from these sources and others in order to help me form my own definitive set of beliefs. I've learned and am still learning that knowledge is the key and I've much respect and admiration for well-versed people. I can't get over the fact that Rimmer is over 50 years old --such remarkable understanding.
And another OY.
February 25th
Some quotes from Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self-Reliance:
A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within...
The power which resides in him [man] is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried...We but half-express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents.
Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist.
Truth is handsomer that the affectation of love.
Expect me not to show cause why I seek or why I exclude company.
What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think...The great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.
...to bring the past for judgment into the thousand-eyed present, and live ever in a new day.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.
February 27th
Don and I were talking last week about our experiences at summer camp. I've always appreciated the good times I had, but I never realized until now that Tyrole was the first place (and time) where I began to question myself. up until I was about 13, I never asked myself why I did anything; I either did it because it was the natural thing to do, or because everyone else did it. I remember sitting around the campfire at night, watching the glowing embers and making a wish for God to help me "find myself". I was just beginning to experience the confusion that characterizes puberty and the resultant depressions. It's taken me the five years since then to get somewhat straightened out, but I am now "finding myself" in the goal-directed formation of my personal philosophy.
I'm really determined, this spring and summer, to find new and special things to do with Don. I'd like to explore new places, breathe fresh air and talk late into the night.
I was thinking about what it would be like to have JCT as a teacher again. I learned alot from him in 11th grade, but college, once again, has changed my perspective. I'm disappointed, and a little angry at his failure to respond to my personal serious thoughts, except in a detached, slightly humorous way. It reflects a sad inability on his part to relate to his students on a mature give-and-take level. I wish he'd grow up.
I'm going to start carrying around paper and pen with me to record all of my thoughts as they occur during the day. (At least I'm gonna try!)
What's really been amazing to me these days are my "revelations through talking". I'll start talking to someone about a problem, or something that I don't understand, and suddenly the answer will pop out of my mouth without me even realizing it! I guess that reinforces the importance of discussing things that trouble you instead of letting them rattle around inside.
Speaking about the past, I was looking at my old scrapbook and diaries again today. Boy was I a sentimental nut. Anyway, for the past few years I've still been kinda nostalgic for those days of the neighborhood gang. The worst pangs hit me in 10th grade when we all began to go our separate ways. I guess that I wanted the familiar security of the friends that I had grown up with, as I hadn't really formed a definitive self-concept yet. I didn't know who the hell I was, except for the Sunny Plaine fashioned in the form of the Forest Garden group.
I went the way of the crowd -- hang-outs, cigarettes, all the while miserably unhappy and uncomfortable. The "real me" only began to emerge in my junior year but then hit a spectacular low until just last month. Now, with the discovery of something concrete to build upon once again, it's "up and at 'em!"
Something I've learned from Jo -- conscientious consideration of others as opposed to selfish pre-occupation. Joanne's one of those people who naturally puts other people in front of herself and she's made me realize that "It isn't enough to love those who are near and dear to us. We must show them that we do so."
Mom has asked me how I knew, at 16, that Don was "Mr. Right". I remember how, when we first started going together, I never thought much farther ahead than the next day. Pretty soon I began to realize how dependent I was becoming on him, but as I told Jackie, I just couldn't conceive of our getting married. Then he went away for a week on his canoe trip, our first separation, and I felt that half of me was missing. It was at that point that I answered the question of, in light of my knowledge of Don's personal problems, whether or not I thought that I would be capable of coping with them.
The answer of course, was "yes" -- "love conquers all". I found a definition of love that I like. It's situational: True love exists when you know the other person so well that you can experience the world through their eyes, yet at the same time, they are so wondrously complex and mysterious that you feel it would take you the rest of your life to discover everything about them.
Well, I guess that I did the best I knew how to do at the time. I truly believed that love conquered all, and I did love Don in the way that I thought love was supposed to be. We just hadn't grown up yet.
Dad was so right when he said that there is something to be learned from every person (no matter how stupid or insensitive they may be!). From Terry I've learned a lot about myself and about my naivete concerning other people. Thank you, Miss Douglas, for contributing to my personal experience and growth. Incidentally, that blow-up that I predicted might come with her, just may not. I've got quite a bit of blackmail on the kid. So we just don't speak now; we've got nothing to say to each other.
February 28th
I'm sitting here alone in the den, listening to The Association's Greatest Hits. The music feels so vibrant and alive that I'd like to hold it! Beautiful harmony and/or a driving beat can really do some powerful things to me.
I went to the Poodle Pub with Sally this afternoon to pick up Pepe. That place both fascinates and repulses me. The dogs are absolutely precious, but their beauty is a sad price to pay for all of the miserable uncomfortableness that they have to go through. Poor babies. At any rate, I thought of making a movie with an appropriate soundtrack, showing a photo-montage effect of a lady's beauty parlor and a dog grooming shop. Can you imagine the hilarious comparisons as we switch back and forth between the lady's hair styling and that of her poodle? (I can't wait 'til I get a puppy -- I want a shaggy, little personable mop.)
And Kerri delivered on that one!
Boy, does listening to the Righteous Brothers bring back memories.
The friendship between Joanne and I is quite ironic when you think about it. It's like the union of two separate worlds. Jo epitomizes everything about the Pikesville clique that I've disliked and avoided for years. She was, in my eyes, the symbol of my "rejection" at Chizuk Amuno. Not that she wasn't nice to me or anything; she was just far removed and apparently unconcerned with those on the other side of the tracks [literally].
But now...now we have an entirely different story with Joanne looking towards me as one of the only real friends she has at school. Our friendship is a bit unusual, too. We're the same in many ways, yet the differences between us are pronounced and confusing.. I'm basically a little more independent than her, and, ironically, a little more of an intellectual snob. As I've said, Jo's a politician, and as one she's always ready to give the other guy the benefit of the doubt, usually getting hurt in the process. Frankly, I think that my "elevated isolation" is a saner approach that her hypocritical attention.
It's really amazing how that dinky little song, "Sunny" has become a classic. Unbelievable.
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