I'm interrupting my Proposition 31 quotes here mainly because Sally borrowed the book but also because I have the urge to write down some other thoughts. I'm sitting here on this rainy afternoon in Jeff's room. The Beatles are playing on the stereo and they generate a warm, kind of comfortable feeling. I feel a little bit funny, though, like I should be depressed or reflective or even excited about the approach of school. But I'm not; I'm in limbo -- detached, yet a participant...maybe I'm just bewildered by the rapid passage of time.
Let's go back to Wildwood. I wish I could. Like so many other beautiful things, I feel like I didn't appreciate it enough while we were up there. Now I almost ache when a song or a picture brings back the memories. For two days, the 4 of us [Jackie, Mike, Don and I] fashioned a Perfection; a Perfection of sea and sky and salt air. Don and I reveled in the pure joy of Us and playing marriage in that little motel room. The warmth of the sun, the cool sandy tunnels, the gulls, blue dungaree cut-offs. Lime Rickeys, cherry ice, spaghetti, lettuce, watery corn. Riding the ski-lift cars over the ocean into the shimmery moon reflected on the waves. Pinball, The Heart of Wildwood, the boardwalk shops, Ivory soap, Prell shampoo. The insanity of Shiloh with "Samson" and his gang, the Mormons and harems. The crimson of the setting sun and the serenity of the drive home. And we could never forget our drive through the woods and the attack of the mosquitoes. Wow.
Timonium [the state fair] was simply an extension of our vacation mood where I saw my pigs and Don ran around like a maniac filling out millions of entry blanks for cars. And out of this summer has emerged a new perspective and a new unity -- Jackie, Mike, Don and I. It's a shame that Time had to intervene in our "experiment", but I hope that in our few days together a bond was created strong enough to endure. Jackie and Don and I are one, and Mike is struggling to be a part. I have, as yet, to develop a strong attraction to Mike as an individual rather than just as part of Jackie, and I think that this is essential if we are to develop an honest relationship.
I am struggling with my old and basic need to shield my vulnerability and my new desire to expose my thoughts and even my weaknesses to those whom I trust and believe in. I'm learning how to "choose" my friends and recognize the level of openness and interaction that can make or break a relationship. I keep emphasizing to Don how our married life must be an extension of this philosophy and how I envision us surrounded by intimate friends not of the Saturday Night Syndrome group. It will be interesting to see, I think, how I incorporate my discoveries of this summer into the reality of the college rush and clutter.
The unbearable hurt of Don's accusations and criticisms of that night last week have given way to the realistic acceptance of my shortcomings, for which I am both relieved and happy. My oft-times self-centered preoccupations have been carefully and studiously repressed and I really am trying hard now to be more considerate of Don and my parents. Of course, it's a lot more difficult with Mom and Dad because the tensions present prior to my leaving for school are reaching the breaking point. Boy are they! Hell, I just need to get away.
Speaking of college, I'm already filled with enough doubts and fears to take care of ALL the incoming freshmen! Well, maybe it's not that bad, but still...I wonder how often I'll get a chance to keep up my correspondence and especially my entries in this book. I wonder how often Don and I will be able to get together. I wonder if I'll turn hippie or smoke pot. As far as I'm concerned now, I don't need pot to reach the great heights that I've already reached and plan to reach on my own, but you never know -- there's always that little curiosity.
Sitting here listening to these Beatle songs inevitably brings back memories of Don and the dorm last year. We've come a long way but I still appreciate how the mood of our evenings there helped to develop our special closeness and I'll always have an extra-special place in my memory for Don's first year at Hopkins.
Two thoughts from the movie, "Charly" that we saw a while ago: When Charly's perceptions of the world developed along with his increased intelligence, he was able to see the utter blindness and stupidity in man's drive for power without regard for others. It makes you wonder whether or not it would be better to remain retarded where the world is mainly filled with a child's ignorant and simple pleasures. And Charly once asked, "Why is it that people who would never dream of laughing at a deaf or blind man will laugh at a moron?" Why?
I'm really looking forward to the possibility of working at the Richards Childrens' Center next summer, even if it is being moved to Catonsville. I realize that it is a lot more difficult to contend with emotionally disturbed children than with retarded children, but I also think that it might be more encouraging. I'm also interested in these encounter groups that Mrs. Stern was telling me about. They're right up my alley.
Interesting to read that I was introduced to encounter groups this early. I don't remember knowing about them until grad school.
Let's see...Forest Garden Avenue...I've been back there twice since we've moved and it's really a weird feeling. I've no regrets that we moved when we did because I love this little place here. Like I've said, I don't miss anyone there now; I only miss what used to be. I still feel annoyed at the thought of someone else living there. I can see the place so very clearly when I close my eyes, and my memories are vivid, yet the one thing I can't picture is me sleeping in my bed. Odd.
The Totem Sign-In last nite was unreal, as was saying goodbye to Jackie for 14 weeks. Judy's comments in my book were polite, encouraging but non-committal, and my words to Barbara were largely B.S. Barbara, sad to say, has been demoted to the rank of Acquaintance First Class, but no higher. Tom was friendly, Rick and Linda were beautiful, as always, and I was deeply touched by what Simon and Barry wrote. As much as I'll miss them all and pray that we'll keep in touch, I still couldn't take another year at that high school. Not no way not no how.
September 11th
Almost 3 weeks have passed since Don and I saw the movie, "Last Summer". The shock of it was extreme, and I remember desperately searching for some flaw in the picture that would make it seem less real. Eventually it became apparent that the characters were one-dimensional and that the story line was very tightly channeled to produce the desired effect. Despite this, I'd still have to classify it as one of the best movies I've ever seen, if not at least the most disturbing, thought-provoking and uncomfortable.
I saw "Last Summer" again about a year ago and it was interesting how much it, and "Charly" felt dated from the 60's...
Looking back through this book and even back to the days of Stranger, it's interesting to see how my relationship philosophy has quietly developed. It began with Don's insistence on, and my later realization of, the importance of communication and closeness. The water brother experience [from Stranger] while part of an idealistic Utopia, was at least something concrete and worth building upon. The relationships that grew out of our new understanding were exciting and satisfying until they began to grow sour from neglect. it was only after the break from Judy that I understood that it takes hard work to establish and maintain a truly strong friendship, and that not everyone is capable or worthy of the effort.
It was at this point that I defined in my own mind the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Harrad, as I've said, revitalized my feelings in this area and Proposition 31 gave me a goal to work toward. So this summer I found that Don's and my original innocent enthusiasm and idealism can most definitely produce realistic results. This was first apparent during our Wildwood vacation. Previous to this, Jackie and I knew that we had something very special between us, but it became even more special when we realized that it could be expanded to include a foursome.
I don't know whether we will have the chance to enrich this among ourselves, but to tell the truth, it doesn't really matter because Don and I have become aware of the capacity within ourselves to develop such relationships, and even if it doesn't work out with Jackie and Mike, there are many others. Of course, there are ever so many problems involved, as with any new venture into self, and one of the most obvious ones is finding couples of equal maturity, humor and understanding of one another. For instance, I'm very much attracted to Larry and Debbie, but their inexperience with each other, and with the art of communication, makes it impossible at present to establish any sort of "union" other than one involved with a simple dating routine.
But you know, another perspective I've gained is one having to do with Time. Mr. Terry once said that there is never any reason to hate or fear time because once you begin to use it to your advantage, it ceases to exist. Karen said, too, that while at camp this summer, she realized how much there was to do and how much time is wasted in idle and lazy musings. I've always known about people who consider even the time lost while sleeping a senseless waste, but I thought that they were over-doing it. I'm finally waking up to the fact, though, that no one knows how long his or her stay on earth will be and therefore it's foolish not to utilize every possible minute to learn, feel and experience every worthwhile thing.
It seems that I realized this early on, but then apparently forgot it for many years.
However, there is a very definite difference between this, and what some people construe it to mean as circling the globe in search of kicks. Karen was at Woodstock, has smoked pot and taken speed and she claims that these drugs are partly responsible for her awareness of "where it's at". She's not a dropout from society, though, and this is probably the reason why I respect her as much as I do and why we've remained such good friends. Karen realizes that certain changes have to be made from within the system and this is why she's willing to wait for her dream of a beautiful and solitary mountain retreat and instead work now in college and in the city among the "crass and cruel commercialism" that we all yearn to escape from.
Considering that Karen can be classified as a "true" hippie, and not a pseudo-one, I think that her decision says a lot about her intelligence and emotional maturity. But she says that she does envy me for my ability to have come to the same conclusions that she's come to, without the use of drugs. While she's not even psychologically dependent on them at this point, she still appreciates (with smoking) the peace and ever-fascinating insights that she gets. The difference between us is that I don't want insight gained from escapism, no matter how mild or harmless the methods. I believe that experience in living and meditation are the only ways. I'd like to learn more about meditation.
Almost 5 days have passed since I've seen Don and miracle of miracles -- I'm still alive. As a matter of fact, this week has been a truly beautiful vacation...not from Don or anyone in particular, but rather it's provided an opportunity to carry out some really worthwhile endeavors while enjoying the novelty of having evenings to myself. Not that I'd want this as a steady diet, but the change is nice.
Too much exposure was making Don and I rather sensitive and even a little short-tempered so the separation of this week actually was for the best. I slept a little later, lost some weight, read a great deal, wrote, shopped and organized. I even enjoyed the luxury of watching a little TV from under the covers in bed. I really think that I'm about ready, mentally at least, for school after this week. I've made the transition from summer routine to fall.
***********
GWU
September 17th
New purple pen and all...first day here, gang, and so very many impressions! Beautiful day -- we arrived on schedule with just one teeny-weeny tie-up. Dad knew right away that everything was gonna be great when we landed a parking spot right in front of Thurston. 6th floor, room #631, a former small four, rearranged for 3. Terrific! And I even hit the jackpot with roommates, too!
[HA HA HA !!!]
Joanne Kramer, from Baltimore and Terry Douglas from Long Island. Joanne, of course, is as cute and boisterous as ever (though she's a little on the heavy side). Terry is sort of pretty, a little on the quiet side, but definitely has "boy magnetism". I think that we're really going to get along well. Dad and Mom were delighted and even admitted being jealous. Judy Goldman stopped by (a yenta if ever I saw one) as my Big Sister, and gave me some valuable hints including one about a sandwich shop where the folks and I had an excellent lunch. Right now I almost miss them a little, ya know?
All the excitement and nervousness from today is finally beginning to catch up with me. I came back a little while ago from the mixer down in the cafeteria/basement. I should have learned from Hopkins by now that I HATE MIXERS! It was so hot and there was all that slopped-over beer but I did meet at least two decent guys -- Corky (precious name, freshman) and, get this one, Don. Don's a sophomore transfer student. I probably could've met some more but the heat was just too much.
I have tons of stuff to get and I can't wait 'til we get this room decorated. The 3 of us are going to Georgetown tomorrow. I wish I wasn't so sleepy. This dorm is insanity tonight with girls running up and down the halls screaming. Jolly and kinda neat. Signing off --
P.S. I feel like snuggling up to Don now and telling him all about this crazy, wonderful day.
September 21st
A lot of water has passed under the bridge since Wednesday. Faces are becoming clearer, the food progressively worse and the dorm noisier and more crowded than ever. Joanne went home for the Yom Kippur weekend and in her absence, Terry and I have grown much closer. Now that our initial shyness has passed, it's easier to laugh and talk openly.
There are quite a few nerds on this floor, but I've managed to become acquainted with several nice girls -- Cathy, in the "6", is from Wisconsin with a pretty face and adorable manner. She's currently dating Michael Vogelstein, the brother of Joanne's boyfriend, Bert, who Joanne fixed her up with. Judy is from Pennsylvania. She's quite a long-winded talker, but very thoughtful of others and sweet. There's also Roxy, Judy's roommate, and Linda from the 9th floor. There are some others but I don't know their names yet.
The meal lines are ridiculously long but I'm hoping that they'll grow shorter with the start of classes. The food isn't so hot but I like having a fairly wide selection of things to eat. Our room is really beginning to look super cool. We're doing it in pink and black with an entire wall covered with posters.
The only 2 posters I remember [there are no photos of the room] were a Peanuts one of Snoopy dancing, I think, and a black and white one of Paul Newman with his dazzling blue eyes.]
A girl just went running down the hall yelling "Merry Christmas" at the top of her lungs. Crazy.
I don't see how I'm ever going to manage to get up for classes. As lousy as this bed is, it's still awfully comfortable at 7 in the morning. I'm learning to love running up and down 6 flights of stairs. Boys everywhere; at this point they all look alike. My Geology book looks very unappealing.
So I went with Bob to Georgetown last night to see "Yellow Submarine" again. The movie was, of course, terrific and running down the wet city sidewalks at night was fun and made me feel free'n'alive. The pizza at Luigi's was delicious and I loved the corner table atmosphere with the wax from the green table dripping down the bottle. The conversation was thought-provoking and interesting with Bob's cousin and his date, both Psych majors BUT -- Bob wasn't Don. Holding hands as we ran was part of the magic of a Georgetown evening but the suddeness of his kiss broke the bubble. Bob, as a 20 year old hippie and conscientious objector is a fun date, a different experience but certainly not a physical attraction. Maybe I would've felt differently if he were another guy, but with Bob I just felt funny and wanted Don very much. I'm kinda glad that he's going back to Conn. today.
Right now it's 12:20 and Terry and I will be going down to brunch around 1:00. Today and tomorrow look like they will be very uneventful with Yom Kippur. I hope Don calls tonite.
"All of us derive a certain narcissistic satisfaction in looking at a picture that includes ourselves." -- Peter Berger, Invitation to Sociology
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