1969 - July

July 6th

Thought I'd include a few poems and things that I've written since "Build a Wall" that are worth saving...

Fate is a child
Angry, innocent, mischievous
Playing at the game of life

Indecision and hesitation cannot be bought or sold;
Yet men have paid for them with their lives.
Hatred and greed are made of neither brick nor stone;
Yet empires have been built on them.
Anger, jealousy and fear are man's real enemies --
Primitive emotions that have begun to destroy him
before he ever held a gun or a knife...

Algebra
Sitting in algebra
Chewing languidly on the tip of my pencil.
The eraser crumbs taste bitter.

Equations and square roots, so
evasive to this tired mind; numbers
gawking at me from the board.

Tracing imaginary figures on the desk.
Sunshine, happiness --
not tangible, but yet more so than
Algebra.

Innocence, kneeling in the wet sand, struggling to build a tower of shells while the shadowy firgure of Hate and his companion, Fear, slip past the guard unnoticed -- except by Hope. Quickly she spreads the alarm and the forces of Good hurry to the aid of Innocence. But it is too late. The tower of shells has been smashed to the ground. Hate and Fear sneer at the defenselessness of Innocence...but what is this? A solitary figure, picking up the tiny fragments one by one. She pauses to weep over the fallen figure of Innocence and then begins to piece the tower together. Hate and his companion are silent and then Fear starts to whimper; he is afraid of what he cannot understand. Love comes to fear and gently soothes him. He smiles and is gently rocked to sleep by Patience. Hate, without his companion, slips from the bright light and drifts back into the darkness from whence he came to contemplate the end of Innocence.


July 19th

[At Rosewood] So tired. Pembroke C practice for demonstration in Recreation Room Basement of Wyse Cottage. Relay races. Some of the kids are as precious as they can be. Chicken, Schmitzy, Sherry (my name?), Joni with her shrieking and Ramona with her little tricks. Debby of B group made me feel like a positive idiot. I wrote the wrong date and date at the top of my schedule report and she caught my mistake. Oh well. *Yawn* Simms fractured her foot or something so perhaps no Long Term visits for awhile. That might be nice.

Nursery Building I next -- yuck. Mrs. High is nicer that I remember her last year though. I guess that I just didn't know her. Miss Coleman is especially good, too. She takes time to explain the hows and whys of what she's doing. This year's crop of Mental Health students seem a little better adjusted than we were. I feel partly responsible for this and it's a good feeling. Remember -- "We're gonna move fast now!" and "Let Me See You Make a Motion". It's great to see the kids smile and laugh. And watch Chicken walk.

Nursery I wasn't as bad as I remember except for that sickeningly sweet smell. The kids were a little cleaner and certainly more active. The were also better suprevised...My good deed for the day -- I rescued a nest of baby birds from some little Stump boys who were throwing rocks at them...Benzinger basement -- WOW. I must've toughened up a lot since last year, but still...strait jackets in abundance this summer but at least the place was a little cleaner.


July 21st

The Harrad Experiment by Robert H. Rimmer -- God, what it's done to me, or should I say done for me! In one unbelievable Sunday afternoon, it's catapaulted me out of the emotional rut that I've been in and revitalized my whole philosophy of life as well as my relationship with Don. The book has taken Stranger a step further and developed a kind of pragmatic idealisn. Some of the ideas and beliefs are so fantastic because of their accurate observations on human nature that I'm gonna take the next few pages and write them down...

[There are so many pages here that I couldn't copy them all. It's basically about a college curriculum emphasizing the union of sex and spirituality presented to a group of freshman students at a progressive school.]




July 26th

Love is blue
Orange and yellow
Muted shades of
Girl and Fellow.
Dabbling in the violet cream
Finger-painting a flourescent dream.
--Nonsensical rubbish

I think that I should start to keep a diary of my dreams...I was thinking over the most important people and events that have had an effect on my life in the past 2 years and I came up with this, in chronological order: #1 - cross-country tour, #2 - Northwest Tutorial Alliance, #3 - Paul, #4 - Don, #5 - Judy, #6 - JCT, #7 - Stranger , #8 - Mrs. Stern, #9 - Rosewood -- Mr. Byrd & Mrs. Riley, #10 - Jackie, #11 - "HAIR", #12 - this Thought Book, #13 - Mr. Simmons, #14 - The Harrad Experiment.

I'll never forget the first words of Neil Armstrong when the LEM touched down on the moon's surface for the first time. They still give me the chills: "Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed."



Well, the place is pretty packed up now but other than an occasional twinge of revulsion at the thought of someone else living here, I feel mostly numb. Rosewood, Don, and the novelty of getting ready to clear out has kept my mind pretty busy. At times I even feel a sort of detached amusement. maybe I'm cracking up...and with a mixture of sadness and excited anticipation, entering a new phase of life.

How about that! second row seats at Columbia for the Association concert! Sloppy luck...that's what Don and I have...sloppy luck. Show was fantastic though. My eardrums felt like they were made of cotton but those boys sure can pack a wallop. And the Echoes really surprised me. Not only was the group as a whole great, but the lead singer was precious with an unbelievable voice. The harmony of The Association was even more beautiful in person and they really deserved the stnding ovation they got. I liked the rain that night -- kind of personal and muddy funny.

Stanley and Livingston are just too much. They stayed over here for the day and were both entertained and entertaining. Such personalities! Stanley is still pretty homely-looking -- half bald, scrawny and with buck teeth. Obnoxious too. Livingston, although more handsome is hardly an angel either. He's a pig at mealtime and torments Sanley when it's time to go to sleep by  putting his arms around him and lying half on top of him. But they're still cute as hell. "Monkeys yet; oy vey" - Grandma.



The story behind the monkeys is that Don and I went to the pet store to get a hamster. Somehow we came home with a squirrel monkey -- a sale that is, rightly, prohibited today. We went back to get a second, and so we had Stanley and Livingston. I have to give it to Bunny; she was a saint for taking care of the remaining monkey, Livingston, when Don went back to school. Stanley is buried in my old backyard.

And as the memory of Judy Lang sinks slowly in the west...The Totem Picnic was full of surprises, with my near fatal encounter with a poisonous copperhead, and Judy's sudden "about-face". She was the model of a best friend and the four of us had a good time playing badminton. Well, whatever caused this abrupt change of attitude certainly didn't last long because I haven't heard from her since. Then again, neither has Barbara, Joan or Joie, but still...Don wanted to call her about the monkeys but I really hope that he doesn't. I know that it's not fair for me to interfere in his relationship with her, whatever that may be now, but I want no part of her unless she shows some interest by making the first move. I wonder how she'll act when we meet again at a summer party or the Sign-In.


July 28th

I'm sitting here in my room, supposedly packing, on this humid, wet and dreary Monday morning. I stayed home from work to finish up some odds and ends on what will probably be my last morning to be alone at 3622 Forest Garbage Avenue. I probably shouldn't be writing this because it's only gonna set me off again, but hell, I'm just in too weird of a mood. I'm so mixed up...

"Getting to know someone, entering that new world, is an ultimate, irretrievable leap into the unknown. The prospect is terrifying. The stakes are high. The emotions are overwhelming. The two people are reluctant really to strip themselves naked in front of each other, because in doing so they make themselves vulnerable and give enormous power over themselves to the other. How often they inflict pain and torment upon each other! Better to maintain shallow, superficial affairs; that way the scars are not too deep. No blood is hacked from the soul.

But I do not believe a beautiful relationship has to end always in carnage, or that we have to be fraudulent and pretentious with one another. If we project fraudulent, pretentious images, or if we fantasize each other into distorted caricatures of what we really are, then, when we awake from the trance and see beyond the sham and front, all will dissolve, all will die or be transformed into bitterness and hate. I know that sometimes people fake on each other out of genuine motives to hold onto the object of their tenderest feelings. They see themselves as so inadequate that they feel forced to wear a mask in order to continuously impress the second party.

I place a great deal of emphasis on people really listening to each other, to what the other person has to say, because I have a profound desire for communication with and getting to know other people. You see baby -- that's where it's at."  -- Eldridge Cleaver, Soul on Ice




"What is loneliness? Loneliness is when clouds in the sky become fog on the ground. Happiness is watching clouds move. Loneliness is watching the same clouds stand still."  - Danny Winn


Things I like:
cotton candy, sports cars, ice hockey, Bingo, Twister, jigsaw puzzles, swimming, watermelon, snowballs, puppies, monkeys, "Love is Blue", baby tangerines, sunsets, fishing, ping pong, stuffed animals, skateboards, paper cups, corn on the cob, my camera, milkshakes, spring, canaries, softball, butterflies, secret places, ducks, doxies, scotties, feeding squirrels, potato chips, chocolate pudding, summer rain, pigtails, exploring, guitars, Archie comics, life savers, tape recorders, circuses, tea pots, parades, bananas, tinsel, beach balls, toy trains, hamburgers, furry gloves, whistles, fairy tales, Ireland, "Romper Room", castles, crayons, cowboys, badminton, Shetland ponies, tennis shoes, bowling, minnows, harmonicas, tulips, Raggedy Ann,
banjos, row boats, bunnies, raspberries, sleeping bags, sand, yo yos, autumn, ocean waves, pin ball machines, crackerjack and popcorn, tic tac toe, Christmas trees, libraries, cardinals, lambs, peanuts, dragons, cherries, balloons, buttons, clouds, Happiness is a Warm Puppy, fur, safaris, the smell of magic markers, fuzzy bedroom slippers, my pillow, trained fleas, Mars, grandfather clocks, marbles, crystal balls, baby elephants, cherry tomatoes, my Batman doll, Almond Smash, rocking chairs, hot fudge sundaes, hot cocoa, fireplaces, tree houses, Easter eggs, Glad-Wrap, foam rubber, water pistols, plastic straws, donuts.