Quotes from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:
Love one another, but make not a bond of love...let there be spaces in your togetherness...a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
What is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?
If he [the teacher] is indeed wise, he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit...In the dew of little things the heart find its morning and is refreshed.
You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance...And if it is for your comfort to pour your darkness into space, it is also for your delight to pour forth the dawning of your heart.
And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?...To both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.
Who can separate his faith from his actions, or his belief from his occupations? All your hours are wings that beat through space from self to self...your daily life is your temple and your religion. Whenever you enter into it take with you your all.
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?...Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link. To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of the ocean by the frailty of its foam...
Hi. It's news time again. I'm actually killing time right now; I'm so tired, but I have to wait until my charming roommates decide to get some shut-eye. *yawn* Well, last week certainly could win the top award for "That Was the Week That Was" [satirical TV show]. Wow. Anyway, Don's back and am I glad. I love him I love him I love him! Any-hoo to get back to the story...
It started last Tuesday, after dinner, when I was alone in the room, reading a book. Eleanor knocked on the door and handed me our room forms (filled out by us a few weeks ago), explaining that we had to have them stamped. As I placed Jo's and Terry's on their desks, I couldn't help noticing that tremendous blank for filling in your roommate preferences. Sure enough, the two of them will be sharing a double next year. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at first, but being as how I've used up just about all of my tears already this year, I stood there and laughed.
Jesus Christ -- here I am -- #1Ass of the Year. I needed to talk it out, so I called trusty ol' Mom. Mom, of course, has been right about Miss Shithead Kramer all year, but I wouldn't listen to her. I couldn't. I had to learn myself, the hard way. I guess that I shouldn't be too hard on myself though. When you're as close to a situation as I've been, your really can't see the forest for the trees. I'm naive, it's true, but also sincere. I wanted very much to believe that Jo cared for me as a friend with the same warmth, trust and loyalty that I so freely gave her. But it was an act. A damn lousy act that enabled her to use me -- to write her papers, to patch things up with Bert, to help straighten things out with Mark, and to help her turn the tables on Terry, when she wanted them turned.
And I fell for it -- all the crap she fed me all year about how she couldn't stand Terry and her shallow and cruel lying, and how she couldn't wait to get away from here on the weekends and how she could never ever ever room with her again. To keep me believing, Joanne wrote those touching letters and even that little book about friendship. Yuck. What a fool I was.
So I asked Mom, where does this realization leave me now? I didn't want to face the truth until it slapped me in the face. But was it all lies? Joanne is only happy in a situation where she is in control. She enjoys being the center of attention and builds up her little audience through her own brand of cuteness and flattery. And don't it just work like a charm -- that is, most of the time. I offered Jo the friendship of an equal; someone concerned with her deeper thoughts and feelings, and not just her surface self. But this, apparently, is not what she wants (judging by her actions). She must dominate, and Terry, in her admiration of Jo, will be dominated.
I've lost my basic respect for Joanne and she holds no special magic for me. I can't believe that she really dislikes me, though, for I've done nothing to hurt her. Yet her recent attitude has been one of coldness and distance. She knows that I'm aware of her plans for next year, though she managed to hide them for quite awhile. If I were her, I'd feel might guilty and hypocritical. Poor Jo, her immaturity never shows through as clearly as when she's trying to pretend that all's well with her little world. It's almost amusing to watch her put on a show with Terry for me. Bosom buddies. Well good; I'm glad.
Joanne can put up with Terry's fooling around with Robert and Paul or whomever, for the rest of her life. All I can say is GOOD RIDDANCE. Ah, for the days next year of pleasant, comfortable, intelligent companionship. I can't wait.
The year isn't over yet, but this was one of the hardest lessons of my life. I still maintained a propensity to shield myself from some hard truths, all the way through Don's infidelities and Lauren's drug-involved high school years. I thought, subconsciously, that it would be easier to deny than face all that pain head-on, but eventually I learned that the only way to go is through. Some of us just take longer to get it, I guess. ;-)
*******************
"Ignorant of the world,
we set out across it
as sailors the sea
Some survived.
Some sank."
-- Desmond O'Grady
March 8th
It feels like THE FIRST REAL DAY OF SPRING!!! It is so unbelievably beautiful out -- every part of me feels like it's singing with energy. I'd love to just spread my wings and take off. I've become very conscious of atmosphere recently. Exciting days like today seem to have their own personality -- the little bunny in Soc class, the pigeons around the fountain, the shining yellow of the forsythia bushes, and the buds springing out all over the place. People are smiling a lot and the wind is so clear and soft. Happiness.
"Delays have dangerous ends."
-- William Shakespeare
April 14th
Wow, what a day. It's been raining, steadily and hard since about 5AM. I slept in Cindy and Kathy's room last nite -- sheer heaven. To be with friends who are light and funny and open...to smile just because you know that no words are necessary. Kathy got a little black kitten with glassy green eyes; it's so precious.
I have this sneaky suspicion that Jo's been into this book. I don't much care, even though I know that she'd misunderstand everything. Joanne only reacts to words or ideas in terms of herself. I'm sure she believes that I'm the one
who is "ignoring" her, when that's hardly the case. I'd welcome a chance to talk with her if only she'd meet me halfway, but I refuse to kick it off. For once this year, I'm not going up to her like a begging pup waiting for a pat on the head. If she'd rather play little hurt baby, then that's her business.
"Meet someone halfway. To communicate is the beginning of understanding." -- Magazine ad
April 18th
"Real conflicts (those which do not cover up) but which are experienced on the deepest level of inner reality are not destructive. They clarify and produce a catharsis from which comes more knowledge and more strength." -- Danny Winn
April 19th
Man -- I need an outlet. I'm restless, energetic but slightly depressed. Don and I just saw "Woodstock" this afternoon. Actually I can't write too well right now. I can't put my feelings into words; I guess I'm too impatient...
April 20th
Quotes from The Authentic Child by Alan DeWitt Button:
Thinking -- that exciting explosion of seeing connections and abstracting beyond them.
Nietzshe, in "Also Sprach Zarathustra", describes the validity of the personal decision in another way: In the end, one experiences only oneself.
We teach our children our fears..
"...for youth no less becomes
The light and careless livery that it wears
Than settled age his sables and his weeds."
The secret of a successful relationship -- parent-child, marital or any other -- is to expose and articulate, to express one's own feelings in any delicate or potentially explosive situation without going on to judge, to criticize or to direct the other person.
The key then, to respecting a child, beyond respecting oneself is becoming aware of his dignity.
High self-awareness, is an essential quality of identity...Identity means a sense and a feeling of purpose, of mastery over one's feelings and reactions and behavior (and the courage not to have mastery over them), of worth and value and importance to others.
To see a child -- or a husband or a mother-in-law -- as he is at the moment is to see him clearly.
To give time ungrudgingly to someone is to love him, for time is the most precious commodity we have, and the gift of time is far more solid, more durable, more meaningful than any toy or bequest.
"Man grows according to his interpretation of his self." -- Victor Frankl
Love cannot exist at the beginning of a relationship -- it is a by-product of involvement.
To be an authentic parent is to appreciate the beauty of children and thereby to become beautiful oneself.
April 21st
These 4 pictures [from National Geographic] are so beautiful. Sometime during my life, I'd love to find these places -- an ancient castle, snow-covered cabin, rocky shoreline and mountain retreat...
And I did. :-)
Well, I'm back in this charming abode -- Room #631. Joanne hasn't spoken a word to me since I walked in this morning and Terry's back to lying again about her notes. They both have bronchitis. AND ONLY 5 MORE WEEKS!!! Don's coming to pick me up Thursday and I'm gonna clear quite a few things outa here -- namely my stereo. Those shmucks have had it long enough.
A couple things coming up -- #1 - Don promised to take us -- Amy, Beth, Randy, Cindy, Kathy -- to Columbia for a concert or something. Maybe Great Falls too. Peter Pan for the 2 of us. #2 - Fluvanna Rock Festival! I have to call up for information but it's planned for Memorial Day weekend. After seeing "Woodstock" we're both quite excited. (Parents can be a drag.)
Don't know what happened, but we never got to these places...
April 22nd - [First] Earth Day!
Today is dedicated to the education of the American public on the problem of world-wide pollution. I hope that the rallies and teach-ins have some constructive effect. Enthusiasm is great, but it's gotta be channeled...RIGHT ON!
This book is turning into a huge collection of quotes. I copied some from Kathy last nite:
"To be nobody-but-yourself
in a world which is doing its best
night and day
to make you everybody else --
means to fight the hardest battle
which any human can fight:
and never stop fighting."
-- e. e. cummings
Today was the best day of my life -- until tomorrow.
I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so hard? -- Herman Hesse
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. one cannot help but to be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery everyday. Never lose a holy curiosity." -- Albert Einstein
Sighs are air and they go to air
tears are water and they go to the sea
tell me dear: when love is forgotten
where does it go?
Today is the beginning of the rest of your life.
"Instead of worrying about how to suppress the youth revolution, we of the older generation should be worrying about how to sustain it." -- Rockefeller
Before me peaceful,
Behind me peaceful,
Under me peaceful,
Over me peaceful,
All around me peaceful.
"...the wise man looks into space,
and does not regard the small as too
little, nor the great as too big;
for he knows that there is no limit to
dimensions."
-- Lao Tsu
"For these are the times that try men's souls." -- Thomas Paine
"The most common despair is in being unwilling to be one's self, but the deepest form of despair is choosing to be other than one's self."
-- Kierkegaard
*********************
I can't believe how beautiful my little park is. The grass is so green and fresh and cool and the breeze so gentle and fragrant. The fading cherry blossoms are reflected in the cement pond and the "rrushing" sound of the fountain is relaxing.
People in the park are fascinating; you wonder what they're thinking about as they gaze into the rippling water. Poems are written about days like these -- you can actually feel the birth of a season, hear the buds popping out of the ground. People...There's a man sitting on a bench across from me. He's dressed in a brown business suit with a white shirt and tie, and he looks like he's contemplating his shoelace. Whoops -- he just walked away...It's funny, I feel as though I'm a painter of sorts, painting a picture with words...Two girls are walking by, both with long blonde hair, eating cherry creamsicles...A boy is floating a paper sailboat...When the wind stops and everything is perfectly still, the water looks like shiny black marble.
Wish I had done more descriptive writing like this. I wasn't half bad...
April 29th
I feel like a yo-yo -- UPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWN. I can't recall the last time my moods were so unpredictable. I think I'm on a general downtrend with a few high points to keep me from jumping out the window. Jesus Christ.
My "talk" with Jo bombed out -- she's really a sulky little bitch, but I tried. Just being in the same room with her makes me nauseous. I showed Amy this book and she noticed that I never seemed to write when things were going OK with Joanne. Interesting. My friendships with Amy, Beth, Cindy, Heidi (Randy, Cindy B., Kathy) are on the upside. Aside from offering me havens of refuge, it's great to be able to goof around and act like the nut I really am.
School sucks right now. I've got a lot riding on these last 3 weeks so I've got my fingers crossed. And summer approacheth...
Finding out that Don can't swing a car right now is a real let-down. I literally had my hopes and excitement up to fever pitch. This vacation could be a real bummer if he lives in an apartment and takes that Calculus night course. He wants to talk over what he should do, where he should live, etc., but I don't know what to say. Selfishly speaking, I'd like him to live at home so that we could see each other more often. And while the idea of getting those extra credits this summer sounds appealing -- 9 hours a week of math, 3 hours at a stretch? Forget it!!
If I was superstitious, I could start thinking about the little ol' "things come in three's" one -- Mom's favorite. First there was the news about the car, then the S.A. job...Speaking of that, I had mixed feelings earlier this afternoon when Amy got her call and I didn't. My ego was hurt, but I still felt a small measure of relief. I wanted to talk to someone though, and Don really cheered me up. I don't know how true it is what he said about the applicability of my qualifications, but I'm grateful and appreciative just the same.
Heidi invited us up to her house in New Jersey [Mountain Lakes] around June 23rd. Neato! Don will have his camping trip and I can take off too!...Got a nice little poem/letter from Danny today. A cheery little note on a hot and muggy Wednesday. Summer certainly is approachething fast...
Quotes on Friendship:
However rare true love is, true friendship is rarer.
Friendship -- our friendship is like the beautiful shadows of evening.
Spreading and growing 'til life and its light pass away.
There is a destiny which makes us brothers -- None goes on his way alone; All that we send into the lives of others, Comes back into our own.
Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.
One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves.
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. This is the service of a friend.
Friendship...an exchange of thoughts and feelings which is happily alike in speech and in silence.
What is friendship? One soul in two bodies.
May 8th
What a week -- I hardly know where to start. First off -- I'm kinda ticked off at Don. He's in one of his "pressure-reactionary" moods and I don't feel too adjustable right now...
Hand a smile to somebody you care about...
"A man's reach should exceed his grasp..." -- Robert Browning
In a world where everybody watches out for himself, it's comforting to have somebody watching out for you.
***********
And this is where the year ends. This whole Thought Book was just one year of my life! I can only imagine what I would be able to remember if I had kept more than one of these. Recording such detail was great. I didn't keep a diary the following school year, but being a sophomore was much more pleasant than being a freshman was! I ended up rooming with Beth and we were kept busy with school and boyfriends; no drama. I got married to Don the following August and transferred to Hopkins for my junior and senior years.
No comments:
Post a Comment