Don's hair is really getting long and it looks excellent, but his parents aren't exactly thrilled with it. In fact, Mr. Schlenger realizes that I don't want him to get it cut and he keeps making all these wisecracks. I hope that I don't make myself an enemy, even a good-natured one...Yesterday evening was "puddle-wonderful". As soon as it began to rain I got this tremendous urge to run outside barefoot in the grass. The drops felt cool and happy and made me laugh...Even watching TV (color!) was fun. Dogs..."Blimpos"...I love Donovan -- he's so precious! "The Sun is a Very Magic Fellow"...Don and I ran out in the rain to get sno-balls -- egg custard and spearmint, with marshmallow...The water at the pool felt delicious. Baby girl that almost waddled into the water; diving man with the red beard; curly-haired baby that grew up (so fast!). Everyone looked so pale in bright new swimsuits. Ah, for a tan!
I was unsure how it would be seeing Don so often after our 5-day separations. It's gonna work out great. This summer it won't be tragic if we don't see each other for a day or two because I've adjusted to it, but at the same time there's so much to do that every hour will be precious.
It turns me off when Mom makes any mention of Don's monetary situation or future plans. I guess that I just don't like her passing judgment on him, or even criticizing him sometimes. Maybe I'm just protective or sensitive about certain areas or subjects. As long as Don will be happy doing what he wants to do, that's the most important thing. Sure, I would like him to get his Masters and Ph.D. both for money reasons and possibly prestige, but I'm certainly willing to subsist on a relatively small amount during our first few years of marriage. We both want to travel and then again there's always the Peace Corps. No kids for at least 2 years.
Walking across the street to Linda's house this morning, I happened to glance at the Winn's house and I remembered that Danny is home. For some reason, knowing that made me feel content. Looking at him last nite, I tried to decide whether or not I'm still attracted to him physically. I think I am. I love the combination of an untucked blue shirt over jeans, anyway. I guess that he's still a link with the "old days"...I mentioned to Don that Mike is very "interesting" and he wanted to know how. As a matter of fact, I'm not really sure. He's funny, and kinda sexy with that moustache but he's not nearly as appealing as Don.
I don't think that Don likes me to call him Donald. That's what Sharon and Nancy called him. I only do it when I'm really exasperated with him, though.
"Creative art is intercourse, in which the artist renders emotional his audience." -- Stranger in a Strange Land
Potato chips make me happy.
June 3rd
time becomes so relative
it's scary
makes one very
perturbed of thoughts yet unsaid
and doings yet undone, hungers unfed.
it was planned for 2 1/2
but, at 2
the world turned to 3
i died at 4!
We have to live
Tuesday kind of Mondays
we have to
do
our cannots
love our isn'ts.
-- Danny Winn
This afternoon was another really comfortable one with Don. At times he can be such an angel, like he was with breakfast and lunch, and washing the dishes. I love to laugh with him. If only he weren't late so often!...It's so beautiful out back now. Everything looks so soft and velvety and clean. The grass is patterned with the shadows of the trees as the branches rustle in the wind. Dappled.
"Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall."
-- Beatles
"Sgt. Pepper's"
Re-reading the letters I wrote to Don this past year -- actually quite good! I think that I can put a point across when I want to (yeah, I'm also a sneaky little diplomat). I enjoy writing in this book because I can be as lavish in praising myself as I want to. Three cheers for Sunny! Honestly, the beauty of this is that I'm only writing for me and I don't have to worry about explaining myself too clearly or impressing anyone. I just jot down my stream-of-consciousness. It's exciting.
The Beatles' album, "Magical Mystery Tour" is excellent...I must do a lot of reading this summer, particularly my "Psychology Todays". Have to develop my powers of concentration...Do chickens have noses? Can they sneeze?
SQUASH.
"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public!"
-- The Worth-Palos Reporter, Ill.
God is a short way of spelling Good.
I believe in Go
Orchestrated music can be so pretty -- Beatles' "Yellow Submarine". Rich, delicate, striking, clear, deep, resonant. Bubbly notes -- rhythmic thudding of hooves -- zylophone -- violin crescendo.
June 9th
Still a little sleepy. Such a busy weekend! Yesterday -- "motivated exhaustion". I never want more than 2 kids! I was a mite irritated at Don for his outspoken remarks about the Emmy Awards. For the most part I agreed with him, but it annoyed me that he wouldn't lower his voice around the kids. Funny thing -- I really enjoy playing cards with him, constantly! I guess that I'm just on a kick. 3 songs from "Hair" were on the Smothers Brothers Show. They gave me chills and the excitement was increased even more by having Don there. I can't wait to see it!
Saturday -- Mental Health meeting was something of a drag. Same material covered as last year. Felt sorry for the new kids though -- I remember how unsure and frightened we were. I also felt superior and rather confident. I want the kids to look up to me and ask me question. I wish that most of the Rosewood kids weren't living out there, though. In a sense, they'll be even more experienced than me, and will definitely be closer to each other. My leadership complex is showing...
Great Falls -- unbelievable. Once again, that tangible excitement and yet, peace. Two scenes particularly etched on my memory -- our picnic by the river...the serenity...moving water...slenderly twisted trees by the shore...slight breeze...warmth of the sun...Larry's guitar...Donovan...being totally carefree and not worrying what other people thought of us..."specialness' and belonging. Lying on the rocks -- watching the scores of fish trying to leap up the falls...the cool spray...the beautiful view...Larry's broad, muscled shoulders and chest, the play of my fingers on Don's stomach and leg...the total envelopment of a kiss. People watching us "scamper" across the rocks. The delicious chill of canned 7-Up and Coke. Larry's little Simca -- what a precious little car! Driving home, my slight sunburn and sense of satisfaction made me feel like we were returning from the beach.
Sandy came over before I left for Rick Claus' surprise party with the announcement that come next September, she may be engaged. It's so hard to believe -- Sandy married?? Somehow, Sandy symbolizes all of Forest Garbage childhood, for even though she's 20, she'll never seem more than 14. I always knew that the biggest blow, bigger even than graduation or college, would be when the first of my friends got married. I dunno whether she will get engaged so soon (this summer will tell), but still -- so strange.
The party was exactly what the doctor ordered after the preceding morning and afternoon. The barbeque was done to perfection and served beautifully with plenty to eat (including lots of deviled eggs!). We sat at small tables out in the backyard and when the sun set, Mrs. Claus turned on the small colored lanterns and two flame lamps. It was so soft and pretty. The most touching moment, for me, was when we all sat around in the lantern light singing "Today". Chris sat on the grass and played his guitar. I felt so close to everyone. It's one of the last times we'll all be together...
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine,
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine;
A million tomorrows shall all pass away,
'Ere I forget,
All the joy that is mine, today.
Forgot to mention that Friday evening we went to see the movie, "If It's Tuesday, This Must be Belgium". It was really cute. The scenery was fantastic and parts of it were "a laugh and a giggle". What seemed very familiar was when Shelley's father announced that she was going to Europe after catching her and her boyfriend on the couch in the den. Not that we've ever been caught or anything; it was just the expression on their faces! The weather on the way to the theatre was really weird. It smelled like a summer storm, with intermittent rain in large drops. But the wind was blowing the clouds around us so that dark storm clouds framed a scarlet sun and brightly-hued sky before they totally blackened it. So exciting.
On the last day of school I fulfilled my 3 year long ambition to drive around the circle with the decorated and honking cars at the end of the day. Made you really feel that you almost belonged to a superior race or something as the sophomores and juniors walked to their buses! I don't feel like I'm actually out yet, though. It simply hasn't sunk in. I can't believe that there will be no more classes with the gang, Mr. Brown, JCT, Simmons, Kelly. Usually by the time the end of school has rolled around, I feel that summer vacation has started, but now I feel like it's been somehow only cut short and that we'll be back again in the next few days. Done for good? Unbelievable! And I didn't even get to tell the library ladies how I faked them out... I'm feeling a little apprehensive about swimming at the Yearbook seniors' Progressive dinner party tomorrow -- how my hair will look, how pale I am, my toes, my fat thighs. I wonder how it will be with Barb and Judy. I wish Steve didn't live so close to Don.
The part about the library ladies had to do with the fact that for some reason they thought I was a member of the Honor Society and gave me the same privileges as those guys had.
"No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a boy."
-- Advertisement for Big Brothers
The draft is white people sending black people to make war on yellow people to defend the land they stole from red people.
-- "Hair"
June 12th
So Don puched little brother in the mouth. Despite the resultant depression and ill feelings, I'm still might proud of him for doing it. First of all, it strengthened his "male image" in my eyes. Frankly, I never thought he had it in him. Secondly, he needed to explode 'cause hell, he's put up with an awful lot from Rick. I'm only sorry that his parents aren't better able to change their perspective on the situation. Don threatened to go live with Paul in an apartment that Paul's been considering, but, thank goodness, money and transportation problems make it impossible. Poor guy, though. Once you're 18 and have lived away at college, home life can seem pretty miserable.
Talkin' about "male image" -- my physical attraction meter ir running sky-high lately. I see a tough-lookin' guy and wow! All sorts of instant daydreams. These daydreams are a little more advanced and specific than the musings of yesteryear which never went much beyond a kiss. Now, I know. It still never ceases to amaze me that I can "chemically react" to so many other boys and still feel excited as well as content and happy with Don. That's true love, I guess. I do wonder sometimes what it would be ike to have some sort of sexual relationship with another guy. I dunno. We'll have to see what next year brings. Would I be able to respond or would I be too caught up in guilt feelings?
It's interesting how I've been writing in this book. It's true that I'm mainly writing for me, but then again thoughts flash across my mind like, "Would Don understand this?" "What if Mom ever knew this?" But the most frequent thought, and a freaky one at that, is that I have this nutty desire to have some strange boy read this next year at school. I don't mean a total stranger, but a guy whom I've struck up a friendship with in class or somewhere. Somebody who doesn't know the people or experiences that I've written about. Veddy interesting...
You know, it turns me off somehow when Jackie refers to boys and girls our age as "men" and "women". I certainly don't feel like a woman yet...I think it's exciting to turn to a fresh new page and watch my thoughts pour out so easily. They even race way ahead of my pen. Fascinating...
For the past few days, I've felt like my brain and emotions have gone on vacation. Not only have I become absent-minded, but I seem to be observing everything with a detached objectivity. I haven't been upset at a number of small crises which normally would really affect me. Especially curious is my lack of feeling, other than maybe a small measure of dread, towards my own graduation and even, in a sense, towards the prom. I feel a little angry and fearful that my cap doesn't fit, but other than that (and dread of the heat in the auditorium for graduation), blah. Even not seeing Don at least once a day doesn't make me miserable. Still, nights like last night are really great. Jose Feliciano is fantastic and he did a marvelous version of "Sunny". I still luv to hear that song when I'm with Don. I really like Spanish guitar. The New Christy Minstrels were quite good with a gorgeous lead singer, but they're a little too patriotic and all for me. (One of the worst fears of all is that sudden feeling that "something" just came at the wrong time and in the wrong place. Luckily for me it didn't. If it'll only wait one more day.)
I had a dream about camp last night. Now I really want to go back there again in a few years when I'll be married to Don. Perhaps this is because I remember my feelings of inadequacy my last year there, and having been slighted, and now I'd like to go back and show them what a lucky and successful girl I am...I still get this fear now and then that Don's gonna find this book. He places so much emphasis on our sharing everything together but I don't think that he fully realizes the importance of keeping certain things private, and mistakenly attributes it to a flaw in the relationship. I know that there's a lot that he keeps to himself, especially about me, but in a way, I'd prefer not to know. It goes back to those same old sensitive feelings towards criticism. I think that I'm getting stronger in regard to this, but I'll have to see. Still, I know for sure that he would never understand some of the things I've said in here.
It took years for me to realize that this attitude of "I'd prefer not to know" was one of the most damaging ways I could ever set myself up. I said that I didn't like surprises and the Universe got me for that one.
I am a frustrated artist...
Really? Didn't remember this.
What was really great was the boysenberry tart that I had at the Pancake House last nite. The berries were nice and warm and gooey and there was so much whipped cream!
Recently Dad and Don have been misunderstanding a couple of things that I've said, mainly because of an unconscious inflection in my voice. I've gotta watch it. I didn't realize it until I answered Don with a very short, clipped "alright" that sounded as though I was angry and sulky. I didn't mean to sound like that and Don said that it was probably coming naturally now. That would really be bad.
"We know in part!" -- New Testament, I Corinthians 13
June 18th,
So much to write about! I think I'll start with this unbelievable dream I had last nite, before the images begin to fade. I dreamt that I was on some sort of a field trip that went to a department store in Towson. When we arrived we drifted into small groups and each group entered one of a series of elevators. Inside my particular elevator was a white switch like the ON-OFF ones you have in the house. The fantastic thing was, though, that when you pushed the switch upward, to ON, the elevator took you into the future, and when you pressed it down, you went into the past. I insisted on operating the switch in my elevator (just like I insist on tuning the color TV when several of us are watching) and for a while it was really fascinating.
Boy did I used to love being in control. ;-)
I'd push it upwards a little and when the doors opened we would all step outside and look around. We'd still be in the store but you could tell the time was different because of the clothing people wore and the items for sale. Once we went so far into the future that all solid matter had dissolved into prisms of color and psychedelic patterns. And we went so far back in time that we could feel the blasting cold and darkness of the ice ages.
After a few hours of this we got tired and wanted to return to the present. But as there was no time gauge in the elevator, we had to use trial and error. Another problem was that everytime I flicked the switch to stop we would still "slide" a few months or years before coming to a halt. I began to get frustrated and frightened as we continually found ourselves in the 1950's and early 1970's instead of June 16, 1969 which was the date I wanted. Once we even got as close as June 9th but that still wasn't right.
I remember dashing out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened and running over to a small desk calendar on a nearby counter. Another time I bumped into Miss Schaeffer, my 8th grade Home Ec teacher. I knew that she had recently gotten married and as she was standing there with a man who had his arm around her, I hoped that maybe I was back where I was supposed to be. But she dispelled that illusion when she announced that she had just received her 4th degree in graduate school. I became so upset that I ran back into the elevator and pushed it forward.
When I pushed it back to stop I just ran out crying, not caring where I was. Sally ran after me and we sat down on a couch with me sobbing in her lap. We were in the future, around the year 1998 and a lot of the women were walking around in filmy, transparent white pants and tops with flowing scarves. Several of them were walking toy poodles with gold collars. I suddenly had this tremendous urge to take off all of my clothes, at least my blouse and bra. It was an exciting feeling and word "anonymity" kept flashing across my mind. It was as though I could strip everything off and no one would care because this was the future and no one knew me here anyway.
I saw Danny walking down one of the aisles. He looked the same because he was one of the kids on the field trip, but even though he didn't look any older, he appeared to be more mature somehow. He was wearing some sort of Edwardian suit with a ruffly shirt. I glanced back at the elevator and saw Mitch Miller and a friend standing there. I jumped up and ran over to them. By some magical means I was now dressed in white hip huggers and a blue sheer blouse which I was buttoning. Mitch touched my hand and I felt a warm glow. We stepped into the elevator and I remember feeling guilty that I had left Sally. Suddenly the scene changed and I was in another, different, elevator, with a dial instead of a switch and red velvet curtains. It looked like a dressing room, and a black-haired woman with glasses came forward and asked me something. I don't remember what it was, because then I woke up.
I haven't really sat down and analyzed this dream yet, but the connection of certain characters and incidents to real life are quite obvious. First of all, Miss Schaeffer was probably brought to mind when I read the Sudbrook yearbook the day before yesterday. I stared at her picture for awhile, surprised that she was still teaching there. The bit about taking off my clothes is connected to a dream that I had last nite. In that dream, which had something to do with babysitting for the Greenwald kids with another girl, we were both sunbathing "au natural" on an upstairs glassed-in sun deck. Actually it resembled more the carpeted hallway at the top of the steps.
Anyway, this part of both dreams is straight out of the book, The Exhibitionist. Maybe some subconscious part of me is an exhibitionist, or would like to be.
Wow; a therapist would have a field day with this. From my perspective today, this isn't about actually nudity, but about me realizing at some level that there was a part of me that wasn't being expressed.
The part part describing the dress of the women of 1998 is probably from the movie that Don and I saw last nite on TV, entitled "The King's Pirate". One of the characters was an Indian princess, dressed in traditional silks and scarves. Speaking of the movie, it was really cute. Corny and a bit fake in some parts, perhaps, but Doug McClure ("The Virginian") was still precious and the scene in Jill St. John's bedchamber was quite funny. I enjoy seeing this type of "love-adventure" picture [they used to call movies "motion pictures"] with Don.
June 19th
Last week's Progressive Dinner Party for senior Totem [yearbook] members -- a really fantastic day. The mood didn't really get established (meaning that we weren't interacting as one tight-knit group) until Judy's house, but we steadily worked up to it. The afternoon got rolling with a swim party over Steve's -- I didn't go in, but judging from Hamlin's purple, shivering frame, the water was positively icy. The sky threatened rain for most of the day but luckily it passed over. Don came by for awhile and I borrowed his trusty camera. I wanted to get a shot of the gang tossing ol' JCT in, but he came in a "no-nonsense" tie and school clothes.
Appetizers were served at Julia's house -- matzoh ball soup, tomato juice, potato chips and dip and stuffed celery -- but I was more fascinated with her ping pong table and particularly the player piano. Ping pong wasn't too satisfying, mainly because the room was too crowded and I kept blowing shots in front of Mr. Terry. The piano, though, was real cool and I kept grabbing selections out of the closet like There's No Business Like Show Business (remember 4th grade?) and Bill Bailey, and then turning up the piano as fast as it would go. Super cool.
My reference to 4th grade was about the time I hid in the class bathroom to avoid auditioning for Campfield's school show. I was dragged out and reluctantly won the part of singing songs from "Damn Yankees" with Fred Lubin. The show's finale was "There's No Business Like Show Business" and I LOVED it. So much for closeting my shy side. ;-)
Kendall, Barb and I had to leave a little early for Tommy's in order to pick up the rolls on the way. Driving down Liberty Road, I heard Stevie Wonder's song, "Ma Cherie Amor" for the 1,000,000th time that day and suddenly it became "my song" for that party and for all the kids together at the end of the year. Whenever I hear it I'll always associate it with the "Spirit of '69".
And all these years later, whenever I do hear it, I still visualize coming down that last hill on Liberty Road before Woodmoor. :-)
Tommy's mother served some marvelous salads, including a frozen fruit one with bananas that I absolutely adored. For lack of space, I sat on Chris' lap, which I'm sure the ol' vulture didn't mind. I just felt particularly exuberant and in want of male attention. Chris was wearing a Hopkins sweatshirt that Don had lent him earlier and he joked about the possible association. That ridiculous Harry S. Truman joke also got started over Tom's.
The next stop was Judy's, for the main course -- crab imperial. After eating, we borrowed a ball and 20 or so of us began puching it around. The "game" developed into a mass effort to get at least 69 consecutive "hits", counting "1" everytime a person pushed upwards on the ball. We made it to about 84 before we gave up and launched into a game of keep-away. Boys against the girls with JCT, Barry and Rick on the girls' team to sort of even things up.
It was almost completely dark by this time and the girls quickly turned the game into tackle keep-away. It was a high-pitched and exciting 15 minutes and one of the highlights was watching Tommy get snowed under by 6 girls. I grabbed Chris once, knocking us both to the ground and before I knew it, there were 6 million people pulling and tugging at us to get the ball away. I felt so close to everyone and once again, the feeling was almost tangible, particularly in the soft dusk as we counted, trying to reach the magical number 69.
I rode with Chris and Jack over to Nancy's where we had some really delicious cheese cake topped with cherries. We sat around in the living room and everything we said was positively hysterical. Barb and Steve were really a riot. I was sorry when we moved out back for some watermelon and the spell broke. Barry chased me around the house with his water pistol before I left with Steve. It took me about 6 years, but I think that I can appreciate Barry now. He still has a big mouth and can be quite obnoxious at times, but then again, who isn't at one time or another? He's a darn nice kid. I don't think that we could've reached this point any sooner than these last few months. We had a lot of growing up, changing and understanding to do.
"Ours is not to reason why; it's all been done by Krutch and Fry!" -- Winton Snyder, 6th period Honors English Class with Mr. Simmons
June 25th
Sunny's musings and poetry...
I = backwards or forwards the same; the "self" is inescapable -- pursuit
Innocence (of evil?)/Ignorance (of knowledge?) What are the differences? The connotations? Ignorance leads to fear.
Reality through Abstract -- Alice in Wonderland
Time sequence = organization
[hmmnn...where did THIS come from?]
Reality -- perceived through senses (whole)
Abstract -- interpretation of reality through emotions (parts); distortion?
**************
i
caught in the salty spray of white-topped green
looks blue from ashore
foam-flecked jowls of mad sea dogs
surface
dive to depths of murky black, wherein hides
self
darting shapes of yellow cream brownish orange
signal flashing lights!
gnashing teeth...
illusions are short-lived, aren't they?
I love clam and onion dip.
This past Saturday night I climbed through Don's bedroom window at 1:30AM. I know, I know -- I must have more guts than brains! But I felt the same thrill of adventure and daredevil that I did the time I rang Lucille Ball's doorbell in LA. I wonder how much courage I'd have in a real pinch...
Just a couple of things worth mentioning about the Senior Prom. Swimming over Barry's girlfriend's house was definitely the high point. He really has a find in that girl, Sue; she's sweet and a marvelous hostess. The water was sub-zero cold and even "body" Claus looked icy. But I was in the mood to go swimming, and swim I did for all of 5 minutes. Afterwards Don and I laid on a towel in the grass and I only wish we'd had more time. I felt positively "movie-starish", especially when Sue served steaming coffee. I went inside to change and was there only 10 minutes or so, but when I came out it was getting light already.
It was really cool to watch the shadows of trees become more distinct in the graying dawn, even as the gas flames faded. Driving back home to drop off our suits was equally neat. I love driving over winding country roads, and Liberty Road was completely deserted. Birds crowded and almost seemed to cover all of the side streets and I was afraid that we would flatten some. I became quite irritated at Joel and Rozzie, though, for keeping us waiting so long before we left for Columbia. That's one of my pet peeves -- lateness. If you say that you're going to be at a certain place at a certain time, then you should be there!
Columbia was interesting for two reasons. At one point we stopped by the lake near The Cove while the sun shone faintly through the drizzle. We couldn't find a rainbow but it was an unusual-looking sky just the same. Jackie, Mike and Don fell asleep on blankets in Symphony Woods but I felt like taking a walk and merging with nature. I saw quite a few picnic tables, squirrels and even a chipmunk and a muddy, clogged stream. Seriously though, it was nice and quiet. It's hard to believe that Columbia is a growing city. I was determined to find a 4-leaf clover but Don said that I'd never find one if I searched for it. Luck isn't something that you concentrate on discovering, its an unexpected and pleasant surprise...profound, yes?
Nope. That's something I feel quite differently about now. I believe that you participate in making your own luck.
I like to stretch out on my stomach across my bed with my feet pressed against the bureau when the stereo is on. You can feel the throb of the music through the wood.
"We live in multiple worlds, many of which are solitary and strange to all others." -- Henry Bellamann, Kings Row
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