1976 -- February

February 1st

Today certainly ended up nicely. Actually, it was a pleasant, relaxing day overall, spent doing all of my favorite things with Mom (reading the paper, listening to records, playing ping-pong, etc). but I still was a bit low from not hearing from Don. His call finally came while we were preparing dinner and he sounded great. Said that he had driven to the Grand Canyon and had been moved to tears by the sheer spectacle of the thing. He also bartered for some Indian jewelry for me. Shortly after speaking to him, the phone rang again (this was the day for calls -- the Schlengers and Dad had already phone this morning) and it was Barbara Berg inviting Don and I over her place for a get-together with Jack, Vince, Diana et al. Of course I couldn't go, but the invite was neat!


February 2nd

Groundhog Day today and the official little bugger saw his shadow, so I guess we'll be having 6 more weeks of what we had today -- God forbid. Mom and I awoke at 5:30 to the sounds of thunder, lightning and gale force winds. When we got up at 7:00, it was snowing so hard you could barely see out the window. By some miracle it cleared up enough so that Mom could leave around 11, but needless to say, CB was closed. The storm was so bad that everything from the Stock Exchange to the Albany State offices were closed, as the Schlengers told us when they called to hear about Don. I finished up For Kicks , watched TV and hollered at the dog for eating the frozen bread that Betty threw outside. And emptying the trash this afternoon was quite an adventure!




February 3rd

Don hasn't called yet -- makes me just a little angry and "worried". I sure as hell wish that I could go on a vacation somewhere (and I hope that I don't hold that against Don when he gets back)...Between the thunder of Sunday night and the blind falling off the window last night, I'm not sleeping very well. Tonight better be an improvement!...Straightened up some more of the study this evening. Sure felt good...Speaking of straightening, I met with Chris Gilbert at 4:00 to discuss the community approach, but other than our probable appeal to the same groups of people, our schemes don't have much in common. I'll have to see Esser again...Uh oh, got stuck on Crisis Call today. Sure hope it doesn't involve too much.

It seems that this was the first of many business trips for Don, and I can now see the pattern being established. At first I was nervous about being alone, but then I embraced the time to straighten/organize and indulge my own interests. What was at first a difficult time later became respites that I welcomed. Although Don never did learn to call me when he said he would.  ;-)


February 4th

One month of diary-writing completed and it's getting easier all the time! My first instinct now, when I get into bed for the night, is to reach for this little book...Don called tonite. He said that he had wanted to send me a dozen roses but found out that the cost is prohibitive. That was a beautiful thought, but then he told me that he's planning to visit Sharon Sauter and the guy she's living with in Tucson. Yuck...Thought for awhile today that I might be coming down with the flu. Keep your fingers crossed...Received a dinner invite from Peter for Sat. Wonder if I can screw up the courage to drive to Garfield in the dark...Waiting to hear from Jack. (I just did; what a coincidence!) We talked for an hour and I really feel good. Just like old times in Chapel Hill!

Oh yes, I can see now what I couldn't at the time. Even though I had been "warned" through Don's admission about him and Rosemary Whelley at JHU (they hooked up while he was going with me and he confessed to it in a surprise letter to me at GW), I still was very naive. It never occurred to me that he was still in touch with Sharon, much less that he had planned to see her while he was in Arizona.


February 5th

I invited Betty down this evening, on the spur of the moment [upstairs neighbor in the house on Paramus Road]. It was nice finally getting to sit and chat with her, despite the slight strain of a first social contact. She adores Kerri, who of course was as cloyingly obnoxious as ever...It's still snowing -- the large, soft flakes -- and if we're lucky, the Center will be closed tomorrow, HO HO. It does look as though we might have up to 4 or 5 "...Talked with Sue Stember for about 1/2 hour today. She suggested that I take my ring off tomorrow nite, just to see what happens. I don't think so...Folks called; Dad will be in NY this Sunday thru Tuesday...I'm learning how to joke with Gil in the Shop...Got a card from Don -- it's the same one that Brian gave Vince!


February 6th

God am I wiped out. It's 2:45 and Tom Atkinson just gave me a ride back from Diana's party. I smoked a bit, but decided to stick with Lambrusco for drinking, which seems to have been a good idea; it's alcohol content is fairly low. That meant that I could sustain a nice, level high all night without feeling out of it. I only hope that Jack and Diana didn't feel that I was coming between them by spending the latter part of the evening with him. I really enjoyed the kidding on the sofa with John and Jack...Jack came over for stroganoff before the party. Dinner went quite well, but it really seemed odd not to have Don with us. As terrific as this socializing is (with Peter's dinner yet to come), I still will be very glad when Don gets home. (No vans came to the Center today on account of the snow.)


February 7th

This weekend, thus far, seems to me like a merry-go-round of drinking, eating and smoking. I went over Peter's for dinner tonight (in Garfield -- all by myself, in the dark -- aren't you proud of me!) and it was an unusual experience, somewhat akin to last night. I'm now seeing myself through the eyes of a number of single guys, but I can't quite get a handle on what the message is. I find myself instinctively behaving the way I do with Don, and this could be interpreted as a double-message come-on, I guess, but I can't really tell. I'd like to continue talking aobut it with Jack, John or Peter one day when we're not all stoned out of our heads...The Haven romances are interesting...Remember: Mental patient for the week on Staff Crisis call.

I really was innocent in those days. Looking back, I just enjoyed the flirting and that was it.


February 8th

Lazy day today, mostly spent straightening up and watching the Olympics. You can really get hooked on those competitions...Don called around 3; said that he spent his weekend pretty much the same way I did. On the one hand, I think it's cool that we can be hundreds of miles apart and still enjoy ourselves socially with a variety of different people, but I still don't feel comfortable when the situation involves a person whom I neither know nor trust (based on past experience). I do trust Don not to willingly hurt me, but I think I would've felt better if he had shared his thoughts of seeing her before he left home. I guess that once you've been burned you tend to keep a way eye on that flame...

I wonder what would have happened back then if I had learned to listen to my gut.


February 9th

Interesting day...Dad called this morning from the big city where he's attending a Shoe Show. He didn't have much to say (other than about the bomb scare in the Coliseum!) but it was good hearing from him anyway...I somehow wound up discussing my feelings about Don's visit to Sharon's with Al and Phyllis. Al said that his wife, Grace, would never have permitted him to be away that long, much less visit an old girlfriend. They seem to think my anger is justified...Bob moved out today, and the desk is mine -- what a hollow "victory"...Mary Ann came over for dinner this evening. She really does remind me a lot of me and I enjoyed talking at length with her. Found out that Mary Ann Collopy and John C. are engaged, and that Marty is a playboy!


February 10th

Well, tomorrow's the day! As excited as I am to see him again, I realized today that this Sharon business has not been resolved yet. I decided to talk further with Al about it, as his early marriage to Grace and current involvement in both school and work are very similar to our situation. He understands me well enough to know that I feel uncomfortable unless I'm in "control" of whatever's going on, and he emphasized the importance of communicating needs, regardless of whether they're "right" of "wrong". Don and I have some catching up to do on where we are...Saw Jackie on the news tonight and got a terrific urge to call her. She sounded just like the old Jackie and reminded me of the value of long-time friendships.


February 11th

What can I say -- He's back and everything is OK...I got a shit-load of work dumped on me today -- 10 hours a week of testing, the monthly Level of Service report and I also found out that next Wednesday I'm due up at Greystone. John Culleny is having another foot operation and will be out at least 3 weeks, so they're rotating us all as fill-ins...Met with Al this morning about the testing, and the conversation drifted into the area of his therapy sessions with a variety of individuals. He was loose, relaxed and thoroughly enjoyable...Even Brian is back to teasing me...Wayne's gonna try and dry out this time cold turkey. The hospital thing didn't work out 'cause they wanted him off all meds. I wish him luck.


February 12th (Lincoln's Birthday holiday)

The last thing I feel like doing right now is writing in here, but I don't want to set up a precedent by skipping a day...I'm coming down now off a marvelous high, induced by alcohol, a beautiful day, and Moby Don. Being with him was an incredible experience -- we were almost like recently-introduced lovers in terms of our enjoyment of each other. I know that this state can't last (certainly tomorrow will bring the intrusion of reality) but I do wish that we could stay on this "honeymoon"...Visited Peter (and Barbara) and Sue and Joyce today during our cruise about town. After all these months, the casual social intimacy is sure enjoyable...Got Kerri her rabies shot...Ate dinner at "Berta's Chateau" for 2 1/2 hours. Beautiful.

Days like this were wonderful/horrible. Knowing that we could be so good together and then having to weather his emotional storms was really hard.


February 13th

This is being written on the 14th, rather than today, as I was too pissed off at normal writing time to put anything down. (Please excuse errors as I'm quite stoned at the moment.) Don and I had a small tiff before bedtime, of no real consequence, except to make clear that the honeymoon is definitely over...Work was crazy today, even more than usual. That stupid Level of Service report gave me the usual headache, and the combination of Gil's piano-playing and Vincent's declarations of love for Phyllis drove me up the wall...Saw "The Taking of Pelham 123" on TV. Terrific suspense film...Mom called earlier to find out about Don's trip...had Fungu for dinner...Sayonara!

As I recall, Fungu was tacos without the shells.




February 14th (Valentine's Day)

Boy am I zonkered! We got the stuff from Diana this evening and tested it out in the form of brownies. Took an hour and a half to get going, but WOW -- who could ever imagine having trouble understanding "Old Yeller"?...Went rug shopping at Garden State Plaza. Didn't come up with anything exciting, just some Jean Nate and several books...I watched the 100th Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden on TV. Fascinating. Best in Show went to a Lakeland Terrier, a rather rare breed in this country...Bonanza's back on -- at least on Saturday's!...Don't feel like food shopping tomorrow, but we could really use the food HO HO. Same with the other household responsibilities.




February 15th

"Sunday, sweet Sunday
with nothing to do..."
 -- Flower Drum Song

There was enough to do today alright, but who the hell felt like doing it? We went food shopping this morning (and if that dog doesn't stay off the top of the sofa, I'm going to kill her) and Don left for Stevens after lunch. [He used to study at Stevens Tech for his Ph.D] Betty had some loud, restless company which made napping impossible, so I just read and watched highlights from this, the last day of the Olympics. In the middle of my ice cream sandwich, who should call but the Macklers! Jeff had called just a short time before them to see if he could come up the weekend of his b-day. The Macklers want to stay for a week in May. Other news: Tar Heels are 3rd in the country and Alison (from UNC) may be pregnant inadvertently.




February 16th (George Washington's Birthday Holiday)

Well, whaddaya know -- high again. We had today off from work, and the last thing I expected was to end up smoking. Morning and afternoon were routine enough -- cleaning, vacuuming, budgeting, etc. But in the middle of preparing tuna curry casserole, Peter calls from the Rap Line, invites himself to dinner, and shows up with some Baskin & Robbins. Seems he felt really good from his weekend of camping, and really lousy from his break with Barb. Except for "All in the Family", which hit a little close to home, I think a good time was had by all...Budget planning turned out well in terms of prognosticators for an organ, new car, baby and vacation. All in due time, of course, but for the first time they seem like they're within the realm of possibility.




February 17th

Had that unbelievable headache all night so I decided to stay home today and try to ward off the dreaded flu bug, if that's what's coming (God forbid). So it was a quiet day. Don called twice, Brian once (returning my morning message), Alyce once and Breskow. Mr. Insurance would would like us to join him again this Tuesday evening for dinner in the city. I'm going to try to make it this time...Not much to say about the day since I slept so much. I even missed the Tuesday evening programs (sleeping with Don's wool hat pulled down practically over my eyes; he wanted to make sure that my head would stay warm). Sometimes his home remedies get really strange, ya know?


February 18th

What a nite. Don and I talked until 1:00 with some pretty good results. ...Felt proud of myself this evening -- read an entire Cue magaine cover to cover! Am beginning to feel the need to expand our interests into more "intellectual" areas...Raffled off a pocketbook today during Shop's afternoon break. I think the clients really appreciated my generosity, although for my part I wasn't giving up much. Anyway, it was a good feeling to do that for them...Wrote a letter to ol' Judy in the Sky. Should be neat to get together after 5 years, but a little weird, too.




February 19th

Sleepy. Stayed up to watch "The People's Choice Awards". Boy do I love movie stars...Had an "interesting" experience today. I got a ride home with Jack and on Century Road, near the cemetary, his car (you guessed it) rolled to a stop, out of gas. We ended up walking through the tombstones toward a patrol car and the squishy ground and fresh dirt was so eerie...Our poor Vega is in the shop again. Got a ride to work this morning with Vince...had an hour and 1/2 session with Rocco today over the Forer. What a fascinating test. However, even though the testing and evaluation program seems to really be getting off the ground, my salary won't. Seems that I'm at the top of my range with no position expansion possible. Darn...Ate at Tom Sawyer's tonight and Don cut out most of the train lay-out.


February 20th

You'll never believe what that son-of-a-bitch Brian did today. I needed a ride to the Center and when I called to ask if he could possibly come get me he told me that I had "a helluva nerve asking people to come pick me up". Can you imagine? That fucking bastard. I wish I had the gazuzis to tell him what I think of him, but I don't want to get involved in his self-righteous accusations...Al's wink is sexy; wish he'd pay more attention to me...The Schlengers gave us a surprise call at our respective jobs today and took us out to dinner with the Matwes'. Bunny and Jake went to a Marriage Encounter session last weekend and you really can tell...Jake thinks I should ask Esser to sponsor a grant for my organizational counseling...On call this week. Feels weird to have to tell the Rap Line where I'm going.

In retrospect, I was wrong -- I really did have a helluva nerve calling Brian for a ride. What did I expect him to do -- leave the Shop? But, I was young and had to learn the ropes.


February 21st

"Listened" to records tonight. A high evening was nice after a kind of do-nothing day. Did a little reading, mostly slept. Picked up the car this morning -- choke had to be repaired to the tune of $11. I guess we shouldn't complain though. It certainly could be worse...Wish I had a cold cut sub now (even though I don't know where I could put it after the nuts, cheese dip and applesauce). [Somebody obviously had the munchies.]...As we all know, next week should be a corker. I wonder if Brian and I will have it out...Motorbikes in the park again. Wthe cops would put up a sign...Mom called today. She has a chest cold and Papa's in the hospital with pneumonia (not serious, though). Remind me to write down our intinerary.


February 22nd

"The Last Detail" is on TV but I think I'd better get myself some extra sleep if I'm gonna get through tomorrow. With Al and Phyllis away, Brian at Greystone and Vince in Day Care, I'll have my work cut out for me...Forgot to mention yesterday about my talk  with Barbara Berg's mother about Marriage Encounter. She sounds just like Barb, and encouraged us to come over and talk with her and her husband about the group. We may even consider participating ourselves...Never did mention in here about Pepe being put to sleep. Guess I didn't want to think about it...Saw a very good, moving film this afternoon, "Captains Courageous". Don and I both cried...Tried to put the dining room table together this morning -- sure isn't constructed very well. Will need some work. [That same dining room table lasted us over 30 years.] Got Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch.




February 23rd

Pretty good day all in all...Vince finally finished my chart. It really is fascinating. I'm not too sure, though, about those parts dealing with my supposed difficulty in sometimes empathizing with my spouse. That bit's hard to identify with...Made an appointment at Elizabeth Arden's for March 26 at 9 AM. Wish me luck!...Speaking of luck, I think I must've had a little today in the Shop. It really went well, in spite of Russ' turning over the table and Monty trying to get himself fired. I'm still pissed at Al though for not being more supportive...Brian Bastard was equally cool to me upon his return from Greystone. I wonder how long this can go on...Ate lunch with Barbara today (she moved into Brian's office). She reminds me a bit of Don!...Had spaghetti with clam sauce for dinner, and painted the model.

I tend to forget what I had to deal with during my tenure with Project Haven -- along with the office dynamics and politics there were crazy psychiatric patients that I had to manage, many times on my own. I'm actually very proud of myself!


February 24th

Well, the expected arrived today -- Brian and I had our blow-up. He came into my office at about 11 to tell me that my giving him the cold shoulder was affecting his work. We hollered at each other for about 10 minutes and then settled down into a reasonable, albeit frustrating, conversation. We parted at lunchtime with the understanding that we would resume our previous, month-old "working relationship". All went fine until Brian reappeared at 3, questioning an earlier contention of mine. What followed was a painful hour and 1/2 session that ended with him walking out of the room. I was angry and frustrated to the point where I almost got lost driving down to Weehawken, but the dinner with Breskow was very fine and helped to salvage the day. Talked to Sue S. later; what an ego-booster she was.


February 25th

The day started out God-awful, but improved as it went along. First off, there was no heat in the house last night and both of us slept fitfully. I tried to call Alyce about it this morning but her phone was busy for an hour and 1/2. Turns out she had pulled the plug. Next, I get in the car and it won't start -- same old problem. Furious, I managed to get it up to the gas station, where fortunately they were able to fix it (once and for all, I hope) by replacing a broken choke clip. Work thank goodness, went well. As expected, both Brian and I acted like nothing had happened yesterday afternoon...It really bugs me when certain staff members act like I'm silly to worry about the patients. Some support system Al and Phyllis left me with! (I really don't miss them all that much, though.)


February 26th

After I wrote in here last night, I went into a blue funk that I haven't completely pulled out of. This week, although not bad in and of itself, has left me emotionally and physically drained. Keeping up appearances at work is more exhausting than it might seem, and I'm just finding it difficult to spread myself around to everyone, particularly Don. Lately he's been bitching about only seeing the "Sunny As Voc Rehab Aide" leftovers and I can't really blame him. I'm also pissed at Al for his less-than-adequate handling of absence arrangements. I could really use a big upper and soon...Brian and I seem to be on old footing...Arrangements are being made for up to 80 legislators here next Tuesday!...Got an invite to a chinese dinner over Diana's on Sunday nite. Sounds good.


February 27th

Well, I think today turned out to be that upper I was waiting for. Working backwards...This evening we went out to dinner at the Rustler and saw "One Flew Over the Cuckoos' Nest". What an incredible picture. Thank goodness I had read the book, or the ending would have been just too hard to take. I think that working at Haven had a lot to do with how I viewed it...Took a run in the park with Kerri after work. Had the place to ourselves and it felt great...The Greenbergs FINALLY wrote. Can't tell you how thrilled I was! Unfortunately they weren't home when we called...I've been drafted as a Legislative Aide for next Tues. Fooey...The Shop machine arrived today! Brian and I congratulated each other on a good week.




February 28th

Looks like it's sinus-headache time again, gang. Had one all day. Naturally, as a result I didn't do too much today. Saw "The King's Pirate" (again) this morning, and watched some sporting events in the afternoon. Had lamb chops for dinner, played a little ping pong and was about to settle down on the living room floor with Don when the doorbell rang. Lo and behold, it was Jack, taking me up on my invitation to drop by someitme this weekend as Diana is away. He stayed through "West World", "The Grammy Awards" and part of Saturday Night Live...Oh yeah, we finally got in touch with the Greenbergs and they sound as crazy as ever. Just listening to Laura made me miss her even more. Sure hope they can make it up here for our 1 year anniversary of Passover!





February 29th - Leap Day
 Swingin' high again, folks. Had a gluttonous evening over Diana and Sue's. The 6 of us, including Jack, gorged on Peter's chinese recipes for 5 straight hours, broken only by a magical trip to Baskin-Robbins. Oh what a night...Weather was magnificent today, high in the upper 70's. So what do you think my outdoor activity consisted of? Yup, shoveling dog shit. Now that we're living up to our end of the bargain, the Veyhls better live up to theirs...Otherwise, today we (according to schedule) cleaned up the house and went food shopping. Typical Sunday. As the weather continues to get warmer, however, I'm sure that we'll be getting into more walking and biking. NO MORE SNOW!

1976 -- January

January 4th

This is reall weird -- writing in a diary again after all these years. Sure brings back memories.

Well -- here we are again -- another new year! And once again I'm full of resolutions:
    - improve professional "image" at work
    - detach myself from Brian
    - develop creative potential!
    - remember that the more you do, the more you *can* do

And it turns out that I accomplished them all this month! The power of intention at work.

Don and I are a little down after the vacation. it never seems like enough time and I really do miss not being closer [to Baltimore]. Still, I certainly wasn't sorry to be coming back to Paramus.

Onward and upward!

My first job after grad school was with Project Haven, a deinstitutionalization program run though Central Bergen Mental Health Center in Paramus. I co-ran the Sheltered Workshop, where patients carded and assembled brushes on an assembly line. The patients were former residents of Greystone Psychiatric Hospital in Morristown, who had been discharged into halfway houses in the surrounding towns. They were now responsible for taking their own medication. My co-worker in the Shop was Brian, Al was my boss and Phyllis his assistant.


January 5th

Kind of a blah day at work today, but very nice at home this evening.

Walking into that crowded, cluttered office at work is getting to be a real pain, but Al assured me that Bob is still on his way out. I didn't have much contact with any staff other than Brian today, and he seemed a bit cool, probably on account of his cold. At any rate, it appeared like we had some sort of silent agreement only to talk about work-related issues. (Monty and Bob F. are forepersons this week.)

Had 4 good games of ping-pong tonite.

Must start to diet and call the dentist!


January 6th

Boy is it cold! I sure don't remember Chapel Hill being *this* chilling. Remember Gordon Kaufman from Jr. High? I read in the paper today that he got married. Somehow I have trouble imagining 23 year old Kaufmans and Malones.

Speaking of 23 year olds -- Brian went home sick again today. Maybe that's why he's seemed so preoccupied. I was a bit annoyed, but managed to surprise myself once again with my efficiency in keeping things going. I even put out a payroll by myself!

Don's going great guns with the [miniature railroad] track plans -- looks terrific!


January 7th

I feel less angry now, but I'm still pretty pissed at both Al and Monty. Monty had a right to be disturbed by that pompous old goat from the state government, and he did handle his feelings pretty well in connection with his job, but *I* also had a right to be annoyed by his "distracted" behavior. And since Al was the one who encouraged me to bring it up, he could have at least supported me somewhat. At the very least, he didn't have to appear to support Monty's contention that I could be doing a better job myself. At any rate, I'll speak to both of them tomorrow.

Damn Brian's illnesses!

( I love coming back to this house at night...)


January 8th

Ooh what a day. Work being so miserable and Don being so wonderful. I'm writing a list of my grievances here, which will soon decrease in number, I hope:
    - Almost 4 months have gone by and I've never gotten a desk.
    - Never received a copy of my job responsibilities.
    - Have hardly any opportunity to do any testing or interpretation.
    - Doing much more physical work than expected or cared for.
    - Receive *no* feedback on performance.

Bob mentioned today that he is being "evicted" so maybe I can soon cross off  #s 1 & 3. And Mike Goldstein is supposed to start on Monday, which might take care of #4. I still think I'll talk to Gary, though, about my frustration with the feedback thing. I have to know if it's them or me.

Don's surprise flowers and taking me out to dinner sure were nice. I hope his studying regime doesn't pull him down in the dumps again.


January 9th

It sure seems like in writing this diary I'm making time zoom by much quicker. Everytime I turn around, I'm making another night's entry!

I talked to Gary today, and Jack and Bob. Gary was more professional than I think I had expected; that is to say, he concentrated on examining dynamics rather than on personal feelings of advice. At any rate, I'm coming to the point where I have to take the plunge as a professional, and formulate my own identity, independent of role models, camraderie or Al's (non-existent) pats on the head.

Barb Schlenger and her boyfriend, Butch, are here for the night. Sure surprised us when he turned out not to be Michele!


January 10th

Had the strangest dream last night and it really affected me today. Dreamt that I was pregnant and that I was experiencing exactly what it would feel like in reality. It turned out that I had to terminate the pregnancy, but I remember thinking with relief, at least I know that I'm fertile. At any rate, it got me thinking about the whole baby business again. Maybe we'll give it a try next year this time.

A prophetic dream that would come true 3 years later.

Listening to music tonight -- for some reason I felt especially secure and satisfied with my present situation in life.

Don bought the wood today; we might get started on the layout construction tomorrow.


January 11th

And it's Sunday again. Sometimes it seems as though my life goes straight from taco to taco.

It snowed all day today -- soft, white, relaxing. Too bad it doesn't affect me the same way it did as a kid. I just don't have that same old urge to hurl myself into the drifts. Speaking of which, whatever happened to good old drifts? These days, if you get 2 inches it's a big deal.

Wish Kerri would finish up with her spotting. Keeping her locked in the kitchen and dining room is depressing both her and us. Looking forward to breeding her this summer.

Re-arranged bedroom furniture today. Looks pretty good and felt nice. Wish that other stuff would arrive.


January 12th

Boy, that was some 2" snow! The vans couldn't make it in today, so the Shop census was very small. Bruce, of course, managed to get himself in, and we all had a good laugh over that one...I had a *first* today -- I told Monty to go shove it. It was a good feeling, but unfortunately not guilt-free. Al will be out both tomorrow and Wednesday, so we'll have to see how things go with him...Brian's back -- a bit thinner and growing a mustache, but otherwise pretty much the same. (Come to think of it, I don't know what I expected.) Steve Kellogg is very sexy. Mike Isen is strange.

Nite!


January 13th

Interesting day -- Monty appeared after informing us that he wouldn't be back for 2 days, and told us separately and together that we could all go fuck ourselves. He was continually abusive until Phyllis told him to leave the Center, at which time he replied, "Make me." We were on the verge of calling the cops when he finally calmed down...Jack Peck is sure an ego booster...Found a New York Magazine devoted entirely to organization. Really started me thinking again about my business and book...Brian definitely is a male chauvinist when it comes to being disagreed with. I know he isn't stuck up, but he sure comes off sounding know-it-all and patronizing.


January 14th

Boy what a headache -- first day in quite a while as a matter of fact. Al left me with those lousy Level of Service reports to do, and of course it took me almost the whole day to get the figures to match up. Then, like a dummy, I go to work on Time Cards. My poor eyes...I've gotta confront Brian with this denial-of-my-feelings issue. He's really getting irritating. If only I weren't so afraid of making waves...Sharon comes up for discussion tomorrow at Treatment Review. It certainly is a thorny problem. Inasmuch as I don't think she ought to be removed from the Center (i.e. Shop), I still feel very much for Ann. We'll have to see.


January 15th

Another unbelievable day. First came the 3 hour marathon session with Brian. There are no words to describe the way that boy comes across. So incredibly dogmatic, even as he defended his flexibility. I think I stood up for myself, though, even though some of his criticisms did make the whole situation seem painfully unreal. For some reason, he is concerned about whether or not we're still friends. I'll never understand him...Sharon took up most of the rest of the day. With new suicide threats and Ann's fears not being dealt with satisfactorily in Treatment Review, Gary finally got us and Day Care to sit down together and discuss the situation. If she doesn't shape up, she's gonna be shipped out.


January 16th

Well, the Sharon question finally got resolved today -- she'll be kept at the Pines (we hope) until she's properly medicated, and if & when she's prepared to take injections at the Center, we'll have her reviewed as far as returning to the Shop. I really enjoyed the meetings in terms of the learning experienced they provided...Lent Brian Notes to Myself (Gary wants it next) in the hopes that he might see the connection between what Prather and I are saying...Had lunch with Jack and Diana today; hard to believe he's as old as 26 when he looks like 22...Saw "Volcano" on the tube tonight -- what incredible photography!...Talked to Mom on the phone; asked her to call me next time she's feeling low.




January 18th

Brr...Another cold night...Today was a regular ol' Sunday. Slept late, read the paper, went back to bed, had lunched, cleaned, had dinner, watched TV, read, etc. Don got some of the wood cut for the table, so we'll be able to start drilling and stuff soon...Don and I talked a bit about my nagging him and why I do it. As I see it, I just need to know that I can trust that something will get done in a certain period of time. If we're both aware of what's happening, we can probably work something out, although I'll always be more compulsive about housework that he is...Uh oh, just remembered that tomorrow's the day Monty will find his time card missing and Al won't be in. Should be "veddy interesting",,,


January 19th

It's amazing how really good days can come out of ones that start so badly. First thing this morning, Sharon shows up at the Center, Monty turns up in Al's office and Brian politely asks me to move out of (his) office (the son of a bitch). Brian apparently felt that I was trying to manipulate him into opening up communications by lending him the book, and he informed me that I should take all future problems regarding him to Al. Then the bastard turns around and resumes a cordial work relationship with me like nothing ever happened.

I immediately set up housekeeping on 2 cardboard cartons in Vince's office. As far as everyone else knows, I moved out to make room for Mike and to get the testing program started...Sharon was taken back to the hospital after a long talk with Phyllis and Sue Funke. And miracle of miracles, I handled Monty all by myself! He left after lunch, but at least I had quieted him down somewhat and even got him to volunteer working on the line.

The best parts, though, came at lunch, when I had a chance to talk over the Brian problem with Mary Ann, and during the training session when I shared my feelings of isolation with the rest of the group. I got some good feedback, especially from Sue Stember who said that she'd like to get together with me sometime, and some good insight: I realized that I felt uncomfortable about Mike Goldstein's imminent arrival, in terms of the implied alliance with Brian. By that I mean I see a link between Brian and Mike, Al & Phyllis, with me and Vince somewhere in the middle. I'm really going to work on making a unique place for myself with this testing thing, although I think that it may possibly isolate me even more.


January 20th

Today didn't seem that bad at all, but after I got home and was listening to records, I suddenly found myself sobbing. It was as if all the hurt and frustration had popped out all at once. A number of things are impacting me, but the one that's begun to stand out the most is that I'm starting to get angry, really angry at Brian for treating me like such a shmo.

Through talking to Don and Mom, I'm learning that the name of the game is *power* and if I really want to get back at Brian, the most effective way will probably be by excelling at my testing function and thereby playing up my threat to him. By the way, Mike took another job.


January 21st

TPA went into effect today -- The Power Approach. Its outward effects were negligible, but I definitely felt better in regards to the strength of my position. I think that I both looked and acted more professional. I also went about ignoring Brian, which wasn't really all that professional, but it made me feel better.

I confided in Bob today about Brian, as he has a similar problem with John Bruno. What a bunch of assholes run this place...Wayne talked to me privately about his future plans. I really was flattered...Larry finally got a job, as a messenger...Monty's out job-hunting...Don got word that his trip to Phoenix is on. Those 8 days will be rough, but if the weather's nice, Mom will be coming up to stay with me that first weekend.


January 22nd

Jesus Christ is it cold. It's actually going down to 0 degrees tonite!...Pretty nice day all around: It was a work day for the most part, as the roads were too icy for the vans and so the patients didn't come in. I finished up my graphing and even sent in those 2 Strongs. Brian made a delivery to Lola, for the time he was around I really played it cool. I'm still not initiating any conversation and I don't look at him as we pass in the hall. I hope he enjoys getting what he wanted.

We had an all-Haven meeting at 3:00 at which Esse emphasized his open-door policy. I decided to take him up on it, and at 11 tomorrow I'm going to discuss my organizational counseling with him. Who knows what might come of it...


January 23rd

*Red-letter day! I spoke with Esser this morning and the conversation really exceeded my greatest expectations. It turns out that he has a very special interest in environmental planning as it relates to mental health, and although his work is much more conceptual than mine, he can foresee the possibility of a local market for organizational counseling that might develop into a separate consultation service for the Center! He wants me to outline a sample presentation for a local group. And it could go anywhere from there...

Coffee table arrived today; simply smashing! We moved the orange chair and glass table into the bedroom, to make room for a more appropriate new chair...Schlengers stopped by tonite...Dinner with Breskow in the city Wednesday.


January 24th

You know, as much as I love this diary, it sometimes takes all the discipline I can muster to get me to write in it before I go to sleep. Maybe it's just the cold, and the fact that snuggling under the covers looks so inviting...Had a lot of fun getting the car started this morning (ho ho ho). It took a hot shot and a lot of running before it stopped sounding like a squeaky wheel...Had a nice dinner at Tom Sawyer's. It must be the fact that work is often so noisy and anxiety-provoking that makes me look toward the weekends as "havens" (ho ho ho once again) of rest. I know that Don would've liked a more active evening than watching TV, but frankly I was bushed. So, maybe the day was a bit quiet, but it was much needed.


January 25th

Don and I had 2 big fights today, both, I think, related to the upcoming Phoenix trip. The push-pull dynamic is really evident as we both strive to manage the feelings of separation. In addition, though, there's the old problem of who does more, who demands the most, whose schedule becomes the determining factor, etc. I do think that we understand and accept each other better than ever before, and if we work on communicating our needs we'll do just fine...Car goes in for a tune-up tomorrow evening. When we finally got it started up it sounded just awful. Keep your fingers crossed for me in the morning...Watched the "American Spirit" special tonight. Wasn't half-bad for a bicentennial show, especially the way they did the old songs.



January 26th

Let's see...Oh yes, Larry and Monty came trooping back in today. Too bad we don't have a support system available for people in T.E. I think that maybe Phyllis' idea of opening up on Wednesday nite would be a big help...Vince got started on my astrology chart over the weekend. He claims that my Pisces rising is the cause for the calm, controlled exterior that I usually present to the world. Hmnnn...

Told Al in group today about my feelings of isolation back there as a result of not having a peer group. As I expected, he didn't want to deal with it...Gary helped me plan for my O.S. presentation. Gave me some good suggestions for idea expansion...[Must remember Dentist and License!]...Brought home New School catalogue. Wow!...Took in car for tune-up.


January 27th

Decided I really don't want to go to dinner in the city tomorrow evening with Breskow and partner. It's a big hassle getting there, what with leaving work early and all, I don't have anything appropriate to wear, most of the discussion will be over my head. I feel bad about changing my mind and letting Don down, but I also have strong feelings about not going...Chris (the biofeedback guy) called me today, at the suggestion of Esser, to collaborate on how best to introduce his technique to local business and industry. That Esser is hardly giving me time to catch my breath!... The Klotzmans got robbed of $40,000 when they were out of town. I feel just sick about it...Don got a $1900 raise with the promise of more to come in September!...Only thing wrong with the car was the automatic choke.


January 28th

And the countdown begins for Don's trip...Jack and MaryAnn will be coming over for dinner this week...I'm really disappointed that the Veyhls had to go and get sick when Mom is coming up. What with their warm-weather weekends spent at the shore, they'll never get to meet the folks...Thank goodness Betty's OK. maybe our caring for Mackie will bring us a little closer...Went out to lunch with Barbara and MaryAnn today. Barb's folks are involved in Marriage Encounter and I might be able to talk to them and find out more about it...Al broached the subject of my isolation in our meeting today and I found out that he really does care, even if he can't express it very well...I don't hate Brian anymore...Typed my memo for Esser tonight.




January 29th

Thursday nite and all is well. (Let's keep our fingers crossed.)...Monty has another new job, this time as doorman for the Stratford House in Hackensack. Small world, huh?...I sure wish I knew what the hell ever happened to Laura and Carl...Had an unusual educational experience today when I spent most of the afternoon reading the Stong to Bruce. His lack of experience made it almost seem like I was giving the test to a Martian...Don might rent a car 'til Saturday; Peykar forgot to take him home today...Mom comes in at 5:00 tomorrow.


January 30th

This feels really weird -- Mom's here tonight and Don leaves tomorrow morning for 1 1/2 weeks. What a strange combination, neither thing having happened before. On top of that, we watched "Deliverance" on TV this evening. Also, Mom informed me that our scale weight 4 lbs. light. And it had been such a nice day...Group was very good this morning. Al wasn't in so Phyllis and I ran one large meeting. Monty got some feedback on his entrance into the world of work and we talked in general about the way people seem to be moving. Very exciting!...Had lunch with Jack and Diana, and Diana invited me to her birthday party next Friday nite...Wish Esser would respond to my memo.


January 31st

Well, it's started. As I expected, I felt somewhat depressed today; thank goodness Mom was here. It's entirely an emotional thing, I know -- it's almost as though I were feelings pangs akin to a permanent separation. So crazy. I do wish that Don had called. I think that would have made things seem a little more real...Mom and I had a nice time together today. We went to Bergen Mall and the Fashion Center, had lunch at the Cafe Promenade, looked through my under-the-bed chest (almost died laughing reading Sue M's old letter about Sandy and the melted records), made Beef with Peppers and Tomatoes for dinner, and watched TV, including most of Saturday Night Live. Only annoying part was Betty's get-together where one of the ladies laughed just like Aunt Minnie.

1970 -- April

April 6th

Quotes from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:



Love one another, but make not a bond of love...let there be spaces in your togetherness...a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

What is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

If he [the teacher] is indeed wise, he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit...In the dew of little things the heart find its morning and is refreshed.

You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance...And if it is for your comfort to pour your darkness into space, it is also for your delight to pour forth the dawning of your heart.

And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?...To both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

Who can separate his faith from his actions, or his belief from his occupations?  All your hours are wings that beat through space from self to self...your daily life is your temple and your religion. Whenever you enter into it take with you your all.

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?...Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link. To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of the ocean by the frailty of its foam...

Hi. It's news time again. I'm actually killing time right now; I'm so tired, but I have to wait until my charming roommates decide to get some shut-eye. *yawn* Well, last week certainly could win the top award for "That Was the Week That Was" [satirical TV show]. Wow. Anyway, Don's back and am I glad. I love him I love him I love him! Any-hoo to get back to the story...

It started last Tuesday, after dinner, when I was alone in the room, reading a book. Eleanor knocked on the door and handed me our room forms (filled out by us a few weeks ago), explaining that we had to have them stamped. As I placed Jo's and Terry's on their desks, I couldn't help noticing that tremendous blank for filling in your roommate preferences. Sure enough, the two of them will be sharing a double next year. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at first, but being as how I've used up just about all of my tears already this year, I stood there and laughed.

Jesus Christ -- here I am -- #1Ass of the Year. I needed to talk it out, so I called trusty ol' Mom. Mom, of course, has been right about Miss Shithead Kramer all year, but I wouldn't listen to her. I couldn't. I had to learn myself, the hard way. I guess that I shouldn't be too hard on myself though. When you're as close to a situation as I've been, your really can't see the forest for the trees. I'm naive, it's true, but also sincere. I wanted very much to believe that Jo cared for me as a friend with the same warmth, trust and loyalty that I so freely gave her. But it was an act. A damn lousy act that enabled her to use me -- to write her papers, to patch things up with Bert, to help straighten things out with Mark, and to help her turn the tables on Terry, when she wanted them turned.

And I fell for it -- all the crap she fed me all year about how she couldn't stand Terry and her shallow and cruel lying, and how she couldn't wait to get away from here on the weekends and how she could never ever ever room with her again. To keep me believing, Joanne wrote those touching letters and even that little book about friendship. Yuck. What a fool I was.

So I asked Mom, where does this realization leave me now? I didn't want to face the truth until it slapped me in the face. But was it all lies? Joanne is only happy in a situation where she is in control. She enjoys being the center of attention and builds up her little audience through her own brand of cuteness and flattery. And don't it just work like a charm -- that is, most of the time. I offered Jo the friendship of an equal; someone concerned with her deeper thoughts and feelings, and not just her surface self. But this, apparently, is not what she wants (judging by her actions). She must dominate, and Terry, in her admiration of Jo, will be dominated.

I've lost my basic respect for Joanne and she holds no special magic for me. I can't believe that she really dislikes me, though, for I've done nothing to hurt her. Yet her recent attitude has been one of coldness and distance. She knows that I'm aware of her plans for next year, though she managed to hide them for quite awhile. If I were her, I'd feel might guilty and hypocritical. Poor Jo, her immaturity never shows through as clearly as when she's trying to pretend that all's well with her little world. It's almost amusing to watch her put on a show with Terry for me. Bosom buddies. Well good; I'm glad.

Joanne can put up with Terry's fooling around with Robert and Paul or whomever, for the rest of her life. All I can say is GOOD RIDDANCE. Ah, for the days next year of pleasant, comfortable, intelligent companionship. I can't wait.

The year isn't over yet, but this was one of the hardest lessons of my life. I still maintained a propensity to shield myself from some hard truths, all the way through Don's infidelities and Lauren's drug-involved high school years. I thought, subconsciously, that it would be easier to deny than face all that pain head-on, but eventually I learned that the only way to go is through. Some of us just take longer to get it, I guess.  ;-)
*******************

"Ignorant of the world,
we set out across it
as sailors the sea
Some survived.
Some sank."
-- Desmond O'Grady


March 8th

It feels like THE FIRST REAL DAY OF SPRING!!! It is so unbelievably beautiful out -- every part of me feels like it's singing with energy. I'd love to just spread my wings and take off. I've become very conscious of atmosphere recently. Exciting days like today seem to have their own personality -- the little bunny in Soc class, the pigeons around the fountain, the shining yellow of the forsythia bushes, and the buds springing out all over the place. People are smiling a lot and the wind is so clear and soft. Happiness.

"Delays have dangerous ends."
-- William Shakespeare


April 14th

Wow, what a day. It's been raining, steadily and hard since about 5AM. I slept in Cindy and Kathy's room last nite -- sheer heaven. To be with friends who are light and funny and open...to smile just because you know that no words are necessary. Kathy got a little black kitten with glassy green eyes; it's so precious.

I have this sneaky suspicion that Jo's been into this book. I don't much care, even though I know that she'd misunderstand everything. Joanne only reacts to words or ideas in terms of herself. I'm sure she believes that I'm the one
who is "ignoring" her, when that's hardly the case. I'd welcome a chance to talk with her if only she'd meet me halfway, but I refuse to kick it off. For once this year, I'm not going up to her like a begging pup waiting for a pat on the head. If she'd rather play little hurt baby, then that's her business.

"Meet someone halfway. To communicate is the beginning of understanding." -- Magazine ad


April 18th

"Real conflicts (those which do not cover up) but which are experienced on the deepest level of inner reality are not destructive. They clarify and produce a catharsis from which comes more knowledge and more strength." -- Danny Winn


April 19th

Man -- I need an outlet. I'm restless, energetic but slightly depressed. Don and I just saw "Woodstock" this afternoon. Actually I can't write too well right now. I can't put my feelings into words; I guess I'm too impatient...




April 20th

Quotes from The Authentic Child by Alan DeWitt Button:

Thinking -- that exciting explosion of seeing connections and abstracting beyond them.

Nietzshe, in "Also Sprach Zarathustra", describes the validity of the personal decision in another way: In the end, one experiences only oneself.

We teach our children our fears..
"...for youth no less becomes
The light and careless livery that it wears
Than settled age his sables and his weeds."

The secret of a successful relationship -- parent-child, marital or any other -- is to expose and articulate, to express one's own feelings in any delicate or potentially explosive situation without going on to judge, to criticize or to direct the other person.

The key then, to respecting a child, beyond respecting oneself is becoming aware of his dignity.

High self-awareness, is an essential quality of identity...Identity means a sense and a feeling of purpose, of mastery over one's feelings and reactions and behavior (and the courage not to have mastery over them), of worth and value and importance to others.

To see a child -- or a husband or a mother-in-law -- as he is at the moment is to see him clearly.

To give time ungrudgingly to someone is to love him, for time is the most precious commodity we have, and the gift of time is far more solid, more durable, more meaningful than any toy or bequest.

"Man grows according to his interpretation of his self." -- Victor Frankl

Love cannot exist at the beginning of a relationship -- it is a by-product of involvement.

To be an authentic parent is to appreciate the beauty of children and thereby to become beautiful oneself.


April 21st

These 4 pictures [from National Geographic] are so beautiful. Sometime during my life, I'd love to find these places -- an ancient castle, snow-covered cabin, rocky shoreline and mountain retreat...

And I did.  :-)

Well, I'm back in this charming abode -- Room #631. Joanne hasn't spoken a word to me since I walked in this morning and Terry's back to lying again about her notes. They both have bronchitis. AND ONLY 5 MORE WEEKS!!! Don's coming to pick me up Thursday and I'm gonna clear quite a few things outa here -- namely my stereo. Those shmucks have had it long enough.

A couple things coming up -- #1 - Don promised to take us -- Amy, Beth, Randy, Cindy, Kathy -- to Columbia for a concert or something. Maybe Great Falls too. Peter Pan for the 2 of us. #2 - Fluvanna Rock Festival! I have to call up for information but it's planned for Memorial Day weekend. After seeing "Woodstock" we're both quite excited. (Parents can be a drag.)

Don't know what happened, but we never got to these places...


April 22nd - [First] Earth Day!

Today is dedicated to the education of the American public on the problem of world-wide pollution. I hope that the rallies and teach-ins have some constructive effect. Enthusiasm is great, but it's gotta be channeled...RIGHT ON!

This book is turning into a huge collection of quotes. I copied some from Kathy last nite:

"To be nobody-but-yourself
in a world which is doing its best
night and day
to make you everybody else --
means to fight the hardest battle
which any human can fight:
and never stop fighting."
-- e. e. cummings

Today was the best day of my life -- until tomorrow.

I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so hard? -- Herman Hesse

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. one cannot help but to be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery everyday. Never lose a holy curiosity." -- Albert Einstein

Sighs are air and they go to air
tears are water and they go to the sea
tell me dear: when love is forgotten
where does it go?

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life.

"Instead of worrying about how to suppress the youth revolution, we of the older generation should be worrying about how to sustain it." -- Rockefeller

Before me peaceful,
Behind me peaceful,
Under me peaceful,
Over me peaceful,
All around me peaceful.

"...the wise man looks into space,
and does not regard the small as too
little, nor the great as too big;
for he knows that there is no limit to
dimensions."
-- Lao Tsu

"For these are the times that try men's souls." -- Thomas Paine

"The most common despair is in being unwilling to be one's self, but the deepest form of despair is choosing to be other than one's self."
-- Kierkegaard
*********************

I can't believe how beautiful my little park is. The grass is so green and fresh and cool and the breeze so gentle and fragrant. The fading cherry blossoms are reflected in the cement pond and the "rrushing" sound of the fountain is relaxing.

People in the park are fascinating; you wonder what they're thinking about as they gaze into the rippling water. Poems are written about days like these -- you can actually feel the birth of a season, hear the buds popping out of the ground. People...There's a man sitting on a bench across from me. He's dressed in a brown business suit with a white shirt and tie, and he looks like he's contemplating his shoelace. Whoops -- he just walked away...It's funny, I feel as though I'm a painter of sorts, painting a picture with words...Two girls are walking by, both with long blonde hair, eating cherry creamsicles...A boy is floating a paper sailboat...When the wind stops and everything is perfectly still, the water looks like shiny black marble.

Wish I had done more descriptive writing like this. I wasn't half bad...


April 29th

I feel like a yo-yo -- UPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWN. I can't recall the last time my moods were so unpredictable. I think I'm on a general downtrend with a few high points to keep me from jumping out the window. Jesus Christ.

My "talk" with Jo bombed out -- she's really a sulky little bitch, but I tried. Just being in the same room with her makes me nauseous. I showed Amy this book and she noticed that I never seemed to write when things were going OK with Joanne. Interesting. My friendships with Amy, Beth, Cindy, Heidi (Randy, Cindy B., Kathy) are on the upside. Aside from offering me havens of refuge, it's great to be able to goof around and act like the nut I really am.

School sucks right now. I've got a lot riding on these last 3 weeks so I've got my fingers crossed. And summer approacheth...

Finding out that Don can't swing a car right now is a real let-down. I literally had my hopes and excitement up to fever pitch. This vacation could be a real bummer if he lives in an apartment and takes that Calculus night course. He wants to talk over what he should do, where he should live, etc., but I don't know what to say. Selfishly speaking, I'd like him to live at home so that we could see each other more often. And while the idea of getting those extra credits this summer sounds appealing -- 9 hours a week of math, 3 hours at a stretch? Forget it!!

If  I was superstitious, I could start thinking about the little ol' "things come in three's" one -- Mom's favorite. First there was the news about the car, then the S.A. job...Speaking of that, I had mixed feelings earlier this afternoon when Amy got her call and I didn't. My ego was hurt, but I still felt a small measure of relief. I wanted to talk to someone though, and Don really cheered me up. I don't know how true it is what he said about the applicability of my qualifications, but I'm grateful and appreciative just the same.

Heidi invited us up to her house in New Jersey [Mountain Lakes] around June 23rd. Neato! Don will have his camping trip and I can take off too!...Got a nice little poem/letter from Danny today. A cheery little note on a hot and muggy Wednesday. Summer certainly is approachething fast...

Quotes on Friendship:

However rare true love is, true friendship is rarer.

Friendship -- our friendship is like the beautiful shadows of evening.
Spreading and growing 'til life and its light pass away.

There is a destiny which makes us brothers -- None goes on his way alone; All that we send into the lives of others, Comes back into our own.

Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves.

Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. This is the service of a friend.

Friendship...an exchange of thoughts and feelings which is happily alike in speech and in silence.

What is friendship? One soul in two bodies.


May 8th

What a week -- I hardly know where to start. First off -- I'm kinda ticked off at Don. He's in one of his "pressure-reactionary" moods and I don't feel too adjustable right now...

Hand a smile to somebody you care about...

"A man's reach should exceed his grasp..." -- Robert Browning

In a world where everybody watches out for himself, it's comforting to have somebody watching out for you.
***********

And this is where the year ends. This whole Thought Book was just one year of my life! I can only imagine what I would be able to remember if I had kept more than one of these. Recording such detail was great. I didn't keep a diary the following school year, but being a sophomore was much more pleasant than being a freshman was! I ended up rooming with Beth and we were kept busy with school and boyfriends; no drama. I got married to Don the following August and transferred to Hopkins for my junior and senior years.

1970 -- March

March 6th

Within You Without You

We were talking -- about the space
between us all
And the people -- who hide themselves
behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth -- then it's far
too late -- when they pass away
We were talking -- about the love we all
could share -- when we find it
To try our best to hold it there -- with
our love
With our love -- we could save the world
--if they only knew
Try to realize it's all within yourself
no one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
and life flows on within you and without
you
We were talking -- about the love that's
gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul --
they don't know -- they can't see -- are
you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself --
then you may find peace of mind is
waiting there --
And the time will come when you see
we're all one and life flows on within
you and without you
-- George Harrison




March 30th

It's time I got up to date on the ol' room situation. The last I wrote, Jo and I were in a 2 week period of ignoring Terry. Joanne was positively vicious and although the atmosphere was kind of uncomfortable, I enjoyed watching Terry on the receiving end for a change, and I also liked the special closeness that seemed to be growing stronger between Jo and me. She was suddenly so very interested and concerned with me and my problems. I should have been suspicious and slightly nauseated but I was flattered by the attention and the little things, like her notes of appreciation and the book. I grew to like the new turn of events, but I still lived with the dread that Jo and Terry might suddenly start speaking and "make up".

Well, my worst fears were realized when I returned to school 2 Mondays ago to find out that the 2 of them had had it out the nite before. When I asked Joanne about the conversation, she snapped at me. By the time I managed to find out that things were not as they were before the fight, and that the only result was probably just a better understanding of everyone's feelings, I felt disgusted with myself and Jo.

Stupid little me fell for it again. I wondered when the hell I'd ever realize and accept the way that Joanne is -- that she blows hot and cold. Terry, it's true, has been making an obvious effort to imporve things in here, and it's definitely nicer to be on speaking terms with someone than not. But by that time, Terry didn't affect me one way or the other; it was Joanne's attitude that disturbed me. Especially the corker that occurred the day we left for Spring Vacation. She was terribly depressed over her Poli Sci exam and Geology lab but she seemed to prefer to wallow in misery than to talk to me about it. That really bugged me. I'm supposed to be her friend? Well, anyway, I'm back at school now with a final perpsective on the whole stupid mess.

HA!

Terry is already nicely and firmly planted in an irrelevant corner of my mind and Joanne (after 7 months of confusion) has been categorized, too. I appreciate Jo's friendship and enjoy her company fairly often. But I know that I can't trust her or depend on her too much. It's quite a job learning to accept someone the way they are, knowing that you can't change them, yet managing to appreciate their good points at the same time. It's so much easier to "condemn" the whole person. So right now I'm sitting here in the room alone, viewing Jo's arrival as simply another unimportant event of the day. She still makes me a little sick, but that's life.

More than anything, I miss Don now. After 2 really wonderful days, it's hard not to be able to talk to him, knowing that I won't be seeing him for 2 weeks. The last few weeks have been a bit rough for us -- quite a few confrontations. Happily though, we've solved our problems quite well, if his stay here was any indication. As I've said before, we argue pretty successfully and can reach definite conclusions and proposals.

We were hung up for awhile on Don's contention that he couldn't satisfy my demands for attention and my belief that he was becoming edgy and jumping on me too much. But through talking we seemed to resolve these problems. Don sometimes irks me when he explodes into one of his temper tantrums, but I guess that's only the little boy in him popping out. With me at least, he's certainly tolerant and for the most part, wonderfully obliging. I try not to make too many demands and in fact I'd say that we're pretty compatible!

I think it would be fun if one day Don and I took easels and paintbrushes out in the country and painted the scenery! Obviously, neither of us can paint, but the results would be hilarious.

Heard a good word the other day from my geology lab instructor. he was squeezing some clay in the form of a fossil impression, and to make it pliable, he said that he'd just "shmooey" it around.

1970 -- February

February 9th

There's so much to write -- I hope that I remember to get it all in. First off -- I made a little discovery yesterday. Maybe I had better call it another revelation, as my eyes were suddenly opened to a fact that Don and Amy have been telling me for quite awhile: Joanne Kramer ain't no friend of mine. Not in the true sense of the word. Surprisingly, the only emotion I feel is one of mild disgust with myself for looking up to her the way that I did and trying to rationalize every damned action of hers, to prove her friendship. I guess she isn't really a hypocrite; she just isn't capable of the "loyalty" that my kind of friendship requires.

Terry's back to her typical obnoxious self but for the first time my strength and self-confidence are equal to her bitchiness. I no longer feel intimidated; it's almost amusing in a perverted sort of way. At any rate, we talk, we don't talk -- it's all the same to me. I really don't give a goddamn, pardon my French. I've got Amy, Don and everyone else and I'm looking forward to sharing a double with Amy next year. What heaven! Can you imagine being able to sleep when I want, study when I want...why it will be like living in a different world!

Interestingly enough, I feel a sort of pity for Joanne. I wonder if she'll ever know what she's losing. Well, she should be happy anyway -- after all she'll still have Terry.

I like walking across city streets in the rain. you can see your reflection in what looks like a glistening black lake.

"CAPTURE NOW"

From The World's Love Poetry:

"If you care to know
How much it is I love you
Stand at Tago Bay
And count the number of waves
As they roll in toward the shore."
-- Fujiwara No Okikaze

"Ah, woe to that heart in which there is no passion,
which is not spell-bound by heart-cheering love!
The day that thou spendest without love,
there is no day more useless to thee than that day."
-- Omar Khayyam

"M y bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite."
-- William Shakespeare

What Manner of Thing is Love
"Love is a force so strong
it rules all reason.
A force of such power
it turns all minds
by its power and desire.
'Tis a mighty power
unconquerable,
whose strength is renewed
when we try to resist.

'Tis pleasure with sorrow
and sorrow with joy.
Pain with sweetness
and might with fear.
Fear with daring
and pleasure with rage.
Glory with passion
and faith with desire.
Force used by the eyes
to rule brain and heart.

Captivity
but prison free.
A loss of freedom
compulsion of will.
Apart from all reason
filled with suspicion
engendered by love.
Desire with madness
unknowing of what it most wants to see.

A kind of madness in the changes it makes.
Sometimes shows sadness,
at other times, joy, as it wishes and pleases.
A longing which burdens,
pains and fatigues
the absent one.
A reticence which makes
the present one silent
on what he feels
fearing pain to say."
-- Jorge Manrique

How Do I Love Thee?
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears of all my life! - and, if God chose,
I shall but love thee better after death."
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I do believe I'm returning to my long-lost love of poetry...


February 17th

Some more switches -- these pretty permanent, I think.

Ho ho. Ever the optimist...

My last entry about Jo was written in a defiant mood, and shortly thereafter we had the whole thing out. She now realizes that for her to continue to act the way she does in the room with Terry (exclusive of me) is to lose me as a friend. That old word, priorities, pops up again, and I'm still #1 with her in this room. She promised that she'd make clear to Terese her intentions as far as I'm concerned, and so far she's been true to her word.

As for me, I'm still a little doubtful about next year's rooming situation. I definitely want to live with Amy and it's good now to have the security of knowing in advance what our arrangements will be. But then again, I may want to room with Joanne, depending on whether or not she asks me to. It would be perfect if I could swing a triple with Jo, Amy and I, but Amy has already said that she'd rather not room with anyone else and I can understand how she feels. So, if it comes down to it, I'll probably go ahead and just get a double with Amy. I know, I know -- you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I have this tremendous urge to beat up Terry. As my mother would say, the pendulum has swung from one extreme at the beginning of the year when I was first uncertain, confused and afraid of her, through our bitter cold war stage, to pitiful amusement and finally now, to outright hatred. I can't wait for her to provoke me so I can really tell her to fuck off. Boy, could I ever tear her apart (hey hey hey)...

I once heard somewhere that the word "being" in a synonym for "being in love".

I was sitting in Psych class the other night, furiously taking notes, when I happened to glance around me and I noticed now funny everybody's pens looked wagging their way across the pages. I'd like to make a movie short one day, setting the movement of people's pens to music.

Joann had a good idea for a collage -- bubble gum comics!



Did you know that King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines? Amy and I figured that if he had to take care of all of them in one night, he'd be able to spend only 4 1/2 minutes with each one!

I love sitting here and listening to Mantovani's movie theme songs. The ones like "The Magnificent Seven" and "Ben Hur" make me want to be in a western or watch a Roman epic.



Saw "The Graduate" again tonite for the third time. What a cool movie. Seeing it as a college student changed my entire perspective and I found meanings where I hadn't before. First of all, I had to adjust to seeing a skinny Dustin Hoffman squeezed onto a tiny screen in the ballroom of the new Student Center. The audience was marvelous, however, especially their reaction to Ben's immortal words when asked by his father what the purpose of 4 years of college education was -- "Ya got me!" I hadn't realized the extent of the symbolism -- the tremendous "water" bit, the fishbowl effect, "plastics", the switching on and off of lights, the "Do Not Tease" sign at the monkey cage in the zoo...I'm now left with the feeling that I could see it over and over again and still appreciate it. Dustin Hoffman is a tremendous actor, and as always after this movie, I have a new appreciation of Simon and Garfunkel.



Back to Terry for a sec -- ya know, it's really wild -- I've never been hated by anyone before! Now that I'm not insecure about her any longer, and I know that her hatred is irrational, I can't wait for her to fight back. ZAP!

Shortly after I got back to my room after the movie, Amy knocked on the door. When I opened it and saw her standing there in tears, I was practically dumb with shock. Only a real tragedy could ever make Amy cry. As it turns out, the problem is close to a tragedy -- the gradual loss of a close friend. Ricky, apparently, has gone the way of the drug-obsessed crowd he travels with, becoming insensitive and obnoxious to Amy along the way. I really didn't know what to say, even though I suffered the same blow from Judy.

It's really unbelievable how everyone changes in college. I was telling Joanne at dinner how I could never go through the hell of being a freshman again. I mean, although you're always being confronted with new experiences and situations in your life, freshman year is comparable to being dumped from the firepan into the fire. I've had enough trouble with two roommates; what about the kids who've had to adjust to five? You're forced to really face yourself, maybe for the first time, and like Don says, you find out who your real friends are, and what a real friend is.

Looking back now, I try and think over how much I've changed and in what ways. It's funny, but even Woodlawn and Forest Garbage seem more real to me that the last few months of school. It feels like I was stranded on a desert island and have had to fend for myself, or else. And what I've learned! Namely -- self-reliance to a large extent. Responsibility. Patience (my God have I learned patience!). Confidence in myself and my ability to relate to people with similar outlooks and ambitions, as well as my ability to understand others who are different.

I'm afraid that I'll always be kind of naive as far as wanting to believe the best of people but at least I'm learning how to be more prepared for disappointments. I don't know whether I'm rationalizing or not when I say that GW is the place for me, but I am convinced that this place is whatever you make of it. I've gained enough perspective on myself to be able to look at super-straight people like Randy and Beth and see how far I have to go if I'm ever to achieve the level of openness and honesty that they have. Somehow I'm reminded of one of Sharon Sauter's letters to Don where she says, "At 16 years old I thought that I was as mature as I could ever be, but now that I'm 18 I realize how dumb I was to think that. I see how much I've grown and now at 18, I know that I'm as mature as I'll ever be." (?!)

Simon & Garfunkel really turn me on. Speaking of turning on, I realize now that if I ever smoke pot, it's doubtful that I would get high. Besides the fact that I probably couldn't even inhale, I just don't have the proper mental state. I'm not looking for kicks, a temporary lift or an escape, and from what I hear, curiosity usually doesn't get you much.

Well, I was wrong. I could and I did.

My relationship with Don has benefited from all that I've gone through this year. I feel like I'm not as dependent on him as far as being capable of making my own way, which is definitely a healthy way to be.

**This is quite the eye-opener. It's clear that I was a much stronger person before I started living with Don. Going with him might have been an advantage for me at GW (I had some security from which to operate), but once I transfered to Hopkins, my self-reliance was compromised. We embarked on a co-dependent way of living and it was, unfortunately, downhill from there.


February 18th

"In my mind I can't study war no more --
      Save the people
      Save the children
      Save the country"
-- Laura Nyro

Love is the 5th season, the 6th sense and the 8th wonder.

I had an idea for a new invention recently -- a bookmark that not only marks the page, but also has an adjustable horizontal piece to mark the line!

If you check the date of the invention of the page holder for typing something, you'll see that my idea pre-dates it by several years.  ;-)

I heard awhile ago on the radio about a phone number at Georgetown University that you should call if you're interested in hearing a calendar of their weekly events. Well, the number they gave was FEDICAB, in letters instead of numbers! What an easy way to remember.

While waiting in line for 2 hours to get my adviser's signature during registration, I overheard some kids playing word games to pass the time. One girl suggested that they all try to think of synonyms for the word "really". Very interesting, and funny, too!

"Tomorrow
when we have
learned to see the man
instead of the color,
pride
may overcome poverty,
new buildings
may replace blight,
dead farms
may rise again
from the dust
and our country
can grow as it has
never grown before."

"It takes two to make a peace, but only one to make a war."
-- Pat Frank, Alas, Babylon




February 24th

I have a real ambitious project for the summer! I decided a while ago that I'd like to pick a topic and learn everything I can about it, and The Harrad Letters have provided me with my topic. Rimmer included extensive bibliographies in the 3 books which I have of his, all somehow related to the philosophy underlying his proposals. The books range from political and religious concerns to sensitivity group encounters and sex. it's absolutely unbelievable how widely read this man is -- Malcolm X to Abraham Maslow!

I'm determined now to absorb as much information as possible from these sources and others in order to help me form my own definitive set of beliefs. I've learned and am still learning that knowledge is the key and I've much respect and admiration for well-versed people. I can't get over the fact that Rimmer is over 50 years old --such remarkable understanding.

And another OY.


February 25th

Some quotes from Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self-Reliance:



A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within...

The power which resides in him [man] is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried...We but half-express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents.

Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist.

Truth is handsomer that the affectation of love.

Expect me not to show cause why I seek or why I exclude company.

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think...The great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

...to bring the past for judgment into the thousand-eyed present, and live ever in a new day.

To be great is to be misunderstood.

I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.


February 27th

Don and I were talking last week about our experiences at summer camp. I've always appreciated the good times I had, but I never realized until now that Tyrole was the first place (and time) where I began to question myself. up until I was about 13, I never asked myself why I did anything; I either did it because it was the natural thing to do, or because everyone else did it. I remember sitting around the campfire at night, watching the glowing embers and making a wish for God to help me "find myself". I was just beginning to experience the confusion that characterizes puberty and the resultant depressions. It's taken me the five years since then to get somewhat straightened out, but I am now "finding myself" in the goal-directed formation of my personal philosophy.

I'm really determined, this spring and summer, to find new and special things to do with Don. I'd like to explore new places, breathe fresh air and talk late into the night.

I was thinking about what it would be like to have JCT as a teacher again. I learned alot from him in 11th grade, but college, once again, has changed my perspective. I'm disappointed, and a little angry at his failure to respond to my personal serious thoughts, except in a detached, slightly humorous way. It reflects a sad inability on his part to relate to his students on a mature give-and-take level. I wish he'd grow up.

I'm going to start carrying around paper and pen with me to record all of my thoughts as they occur during the day. (At least I'm gonna try!)

What's really been amazing to me these days are my "revelations through talking". I'll start talking to someone about a problem, or something that I don't understand, and suddenly the answer will pop out of my mouth without me even realizing it! I guess that reinforces the importance of discussing things that trouble you instead of letting them rattle around inside.

Speaking about the past, I was looking at my old scrapbook and diaries again today. Boy was I a sentimental nut. Anyway, for the past few years I've still been kinda nostalgic for those days of the neighborhood gang. The worst pangs hit me in 10th grade when we all began to go our separate ways. I guess that I wanted the familiar security of the friends that I had grown up with, as I hadn't really formed a definitive self-concept yet. I didn't know who the hell I was, except for the Sunny Plaine fashioned in the form of the Forest Garden group.

I went the way of the crowd -- hang-outs, cigarettes, all the while miserably unhappy and uncomfortable. The "real me" only began to emerge in my junior year but then hit a spectacular low until just last month. Now, with the discovery of something concrete to build upon once again, it's "up and at 'em!"

Something I've learned from Jo -- conscientious consideration of others as opposed to selfish pre-occupation. Joanne's one of those people who naturally puts other people in front of herself and she's made me realize that "It isn't enough to love those who are near and dear to us. We must show them that we do so."

Mom has asked me how I knew, at 16, that Don was "Mr. Right". I remember how, when we first started going together, I never thought much farther ahead than the next day. Pretty soon I began to realize how dependent I was becoming on him, but as I told Jackie, I just couldn't conceive of our getting married. Then he went away for a week on his canoe trip, our first separation, and I felt that half of me was missing. It was at that point that I answered the question of, in light of my knowledge of Don's personal problems, whether or not I thought that I would be capable of coping with them.

The answer of course, was "yes" -- "love conquers all". I found a definition of love that I like. It's situational: True love exists when you know the other person so well that you can experience the world through their eyes, yet at the same time, they are so wondrously complex and mysterious that you feel it would take you the rest of your life to discover everything about them.

Well, I guess that I did the best I knew how to do at the time. I truly believed that love conquered all, and I did love Don in the way that I thought love was supposed to be. We just hadn't grown up yet.

Dad was so right when he said that there is something to be learned from every person (no matter how stupid or insensitive they may be!). From Terry I've learned a lot about myself and about my naivete concerning other people. Thank you, Miss Douglas, for contributing to my personal experience and growth. Incidentally, that blow-up that I predicted might come with her, just may not. I've got quite a bit of blackmail on the kid. So we just don't speak now; we've got nothing to say to each other.


February 28th

I'm sitting here alone in the den, listening to The Association's Greatest Hits. The music feels so vibrant and alive that I'd like to hold it! Beautiful harmony and/or a driving beat can really do some powerful things to me.



I went to the Poodle Pub with Sally this afternoon to pick up Pepe. That place both fascinates and repulses me. The dogs are absolutely precious, but their beauty is a sad price to pay for all of the miserable uncomfortableness that they have to go through. Poor babies. At any rate, I thought of making a movie with an appropriate soundtrack, showing a photo-montage effect of a lady's beauty parlor and a dog grooming shop. Can you imagine the hilarious comparisons as we switch back and forth between the lady's hair styling and that of her poodle? (I can't wait 'til I get a puppy -- I want a shaggy, little personable mop.)

And Kerri delivered on that one!

Boy, does listening to the Righteous Brothers bring back memories.

The friendship between Joanne and I is quite ironic when you think about it. It's like the union of two separate worlds. Jo epitomizes everything about the Pikesville clique that I've disliked and avoided for years. She was, in my eyes, the symbol of my "rejection" at Chizuk Amuno. Not that she wasn't nice to me or anything; she was just far removed and apparently unconcerned with those on the other side of the tracks [literally].

But now...now we have an entirely different story with Joanne looking towards me as one of the only real friends she has at school. Our friendship is a bit unusual, too. We're the same in many ways, yet the differences between us are pronounced and confusing.. I'm basically a little more independent  than her, and, ironically, a little more of an intellectual snob. As I've said, Jo's a politician, and as one she's always ready to give the other guy the benefit of the doubt, usually getting hurt in the process. Frankly, I think that my "elevated isolation" is a saner approach that her hypocritical attention.

It's really amazing how that dinky little song, "Sunny" has become a classic. Unbelievable.