January 3rd
The first test of '97 -- The Invitation Flap. All I can do is release it and trust. Lauren and I went at it for awhile, from tension, but it ended up OK. I'm not sure why I feel alright, but I'm grateful that I do. I started my Gratitude Journal -- the new one. And I plan to get back to meditating and on to Tai Chi. After all, I'm going to be, "calm, cool, collected, and have fun this year!"
January 4th
Did a lot today. And boy did Tina make me feel good. That beautiful candle holder and note were definitely the answer to a prayer. I'm appreciated! Lauren made out well with Shelley, apparently; I'll see her in the dresses tomorrow. And another "wish" was answered -- Don dropped off the checks and agreed to help stuff envelopes when I spontaneously asked him too. So slowly but surely it seems it's all coming together. And I guess I'm relieved that Mom and Dad decided to re-finish the furniture instead of buying new. The $ I save will help towards paying off the $15,000 tax bill.
January 5th
Second test of '97 -- Cleo's stomach virus. Poor little baby (me or her?) -- had to go out and have diarrhea every 1/2 hour. On white fur yet. And she was doing this while I was trying to finish up the invitations and get them out and do a major food shopping for the 1st time in a month. Kind of a suck-y day. And then Lauren and I had a major blow-out, which almost felt like it had to happen and ended up OK. But boy did I feel sorry for myself. I dunno. I just want to have some fun.
January 6th
High voltage evening! Rita and I finished off the Aliyahs and then did a Sacred Path spread for her. (I picked an "Adventure" card. Could one be in the offing?) We ended up at 11:45 after eating Baskin-Robbins and watching Andrew's Bar Mitzvah video. I really liked the DJ and music selections, although it's hard to picture a just-kids party. The energy definitely got to me, and of course now I can't get the Macarena out of my mind. Cleo's much better, thank God. We handled the messes pretty well -- all of us (even if she did end up pink from the spilled Kaopectate!)
January 7th
I'm finally sleepy. Got a lot done today on the Bat Mitzvah front, including asking Ed, Shelly and Felicia about the honors (they were all very touched), writing the rhymes (yes!) and picking the color scheme (preliminarily, with Rita's help). I do love progress, especially since tomorrow I report to NB1! for real. Finally.
January 8th
I think I handled the "Eileen wants a copy of your contract" surprise pretty well; I just wish I knew why Don Feidt hasn't called. I need to put a new proposal together. I like my study, although the noise level takes some getting used to. I especially like being next to Jeff -- we make a good team. May it continue. The one thing I shouldn't have done today was try to run with Cleo. Dumb idea. I'm a lot better, but not that good yet.
January 9th
Let Cleo be OK. It looks like her stomach may be bothering her again and that frankly scares the shit out of me. Tomorrow's a long day for all of us, and we really can't afford another Saturday. and it also worries me that she might have a more serious problem. Give me a break, OK? I'm just getting up and running here again, and I could use some space to do it in. So, please...I truly feel like I'm back in the thick of things @ work. Let this happen, too, because my goals are definitely humanitarian. C'mon, guys!
January 10th
A good day! Finally! I said I wanted purple and "silver" for my color scheme -- and I definitely may have gotten silver! I no longer assume anything, but boy could this be nice. I'll follow up and see what happens! And the possibility with Helene -- Wow! Send lots and lots of light! It's starting to feel a bit like fun, and I'm so glad. And what Judy said today was so great, too: "What would have happened if you never walked through my door?" Maybe it's time for more pleasure. Whatever, I'm on board.
January 11th
You guys MUST be helping. How else could I be managing all this? After all, if even Bunny tells me I'm doing an amazing job...I liked helping Linda Brownlee today and hooking her up with Steve Garbarini. It was another neat synchronicity that he called right after she did. and it felt good helping him out with his patient, too. My blow-up at Lauren didn't feel good, but I think it ended up OK. At least it got her attention ("a month's grounding for eating AJ's Tic Tacs"??) It would be nice if it got easier with her for awhile.
January 12th
Why do we all seem to get these bizarre little conditions? Now it looks like Cleo has a parasitic thing that's causing the recurrent diarrhea. I'll know tomorrow and hopefully it can be treated quickly. What a pain. And the day had been going so well, too. I actually chose to stay in and relax and made progress on the Bat Mitzvah front, including hiring a magician! And tonight was pleasant -- the Movie Channel showed "While You Were Sleeping" and the one with Nicholas Cage about the lottery. Two of my favorite "sensitive guy" movies.
January 13th
A good evening, actually; probably due, at least in part, to the kids (mostly Lauren) being away. I get so used to how crazy she makes me that I don't realize how off-balance I am 'til it quiets down. I enjoyed watching "Dangerous Minds" and relaxing with Cleo. I'm slowly beginning to remember what being with a puppy was like and I'm trying to cut her a little more slack. The movie made me feel good because it was about helping. (And it's OK sometimes not to let others intrude.)
January 14th
This incision hurts again. From over-doing it changing the beds? Or is it that thing that looks like a suture? What a pain...Don "did it again" tonight. Indirectly, but he still started a chain reaction that got Cleo barking, me and Lauren in a fight, and my sense of peace out the window. How does he manage to do that? Negative energy? I really don't know what to do about Lauren. Certain things I can avoid if I need to, like having Karen and Peter visit today, but not her. So, as always, send me lots of light, patience and teen-age angels.
January 15th
An easier day (in spite of Don's usual "Pigpen cloud"). I'm getting psyched at work by the possibility of going full-circle back to Zenner, and matching his vision with my community ideas. Think "they" will let me see him this time? And Lauren was better. We talked stuff out and although she definitely is pulling back, at least she's trying. AJ seems to be trying, work-wise, too. So -- it feels good, and I do appreciate these moments.
January 16th
Weird nite. (What's "normal" anymore?) Starting off with Vera -- please let her be OK, and let her feel supported and loved -- and then calls from Dad, Fran, Jackie, Betty Kaminer, Sandy. In between, I wrote some checks, helped AJ with homework, washed dishes and listened to Lauren's stories about her friends' latest adventures. It's not easy hearing about experimentation with drinking and smoking but we're both acting level-headed, I think. And now AJ's playing Truth of Dare. Wow.
January 17th
A good day, I think! The meeting with Marty and Vince went very well and it looks as if I'm wired into the Event Planning loop. Finally, it seems that I've got everyone working together! Carla called to update me on Vera (we're still waiting for test results), and to thank me for everything I did. I had a good conversation with Amy, where she thanked me too for including her in everything. And then Rita and I made a date for breakfast and tallit shopping on Sunday. Jeannette also invited me for dinner as soon as I can make it, and the cantor referred to the fact that he had read my book! Definitely a good day!
January 18th
Vera's OK! Whatever's bothering her, it's not her heart. Guess what I did? The seating charts for the party! I know things will change, but I think I have the basic format. The yarmulkes arrived! And the rabbi was blown away by Lauren's Devar Torah. So much so that he suggested her handing it out! I'm feeling better in general (except for this sinus headache that I bet is weather-related) and seem to be rolling with the uncomfortable winter weather changes. The kids and Cleo appear to be alright, too. Thanks!...Headache all night...
January 19th
Boy was I UP tonight and how the hell did I get there? Last night was awful, but today I was determined to get moving, and finally mailed the packages and went to 5 department stores looking for a suit. I found the perfect one at Bloomingdale's and it just happens to look like a grown-up version of the red suit I wore to my own Bat Mitzvah! Weird. I also talked to Eileen Welch who will see what she can do about getting me in to see Zenner; and had an inspiration at Anthony Dionysio's about having both our hair blow-outs and our make-up done there on both days! But the best was tonight at dinner when Elayne made the toast about finding the guy in my cowboy pic, and this adorable guy comes around the corner at that exact moment, looking for his gloves. Upcoming destiny?
January 20th
Cleo looks so damn cute with that new haircut that she's getting away with sleeping on the chair downstairs. Nothing much went on today. It's still icy cold, but thank God, no snow. 4 weeks from today is THE DAY. Where in the world did the time go? May we all stay healthy, and the weather be nice. Amen.
January 21st
Sunday Nite Don strikes again. It's not terrible, I guess, but it's certainly vexing. He's having trouble with AJ's lack of initiative concerning Boy Scouts and decided that the best way to deal with it is to opt out. Of course, he still doesn't GET IT, but the question is, what are his options in dealing with the reality of AJ being AJ. I don't know what the answers are, so I just do my best and let it go. On the Up Side: Rita and I are actually talking about going out west this summer! Yes! Who really knows, but I love the way the Universe appears to be working. I'm ready to fall in love with a great guy.
January 22nd
I'm so horny I can't see straight. It's like being 15 again. I told Rita that I blamed it on her, but I'm not sure where this is coming from. It feels different from my other "tight jeans" phases...I was just thinking about all the friends I have now compared to back when I first met JoAnn. WOW. I'm really lucky. Plus -- I can SEE what happens when you're ready.
January 23rd
Some times things really do go smoothly -- sort of. Like our evening schedules tonight. There was flow! Of course there were also the Hymans. Somehow I'm managing not to take all of this seriously ("It just doesn't matter"). I'm choosing to stay focused on the fun part -- like having my family and friends meet each other. I love that stuff. I did well with the new parking lot today. Of course it wasn't raining or freezing, but still -- my attitude was good. I got Jeff to write the stuff for the email newsletter; now to get it out there with my name on it!
January 24th
I did my first NB1 newsletter! NB1 Community Update -- Vol.1, Iss.1. I am so proud of me! Dawn and Maria are making it look nice and it will go out in the next day or two, as soon as our email address is activated. Yes! I can't believe that Jeff and I are just DOING it -- after all the channels it had to go through...Well, I have the tables mostly done for the luncheon. I just need to hear from a few last people. (What will it be like not to have all this to do?) It's too bad Lauren's 90% horrible these days. I wonder when the balance shifted over so far.
January 25th
Boy was I tired today. I didn't even go downstairs and have dinner with the kids. But I did get a dress! I hope the jacket I picked still works with it when it's shortened. It feels like I've been on the phone all night. (Each evening is so different!) I spoke with Amy Sedaka, Ruth, Muriel, Richard Marcus and Linda Brownlee. Nice, but tiring. Guess I'll turn in...
January 26th
The winter's been reasonable so far -- thank you...The news about Dorothy really threw me tonight [her breast cancer]. It kicked up the stuff from 3 years ago with Jan [Brennan], and my own little scare last month. Please let her be OK. It was nice looking at old pix tonight with the kids. So much lately with them has been tense. Today was just errand-running. Tomorrow is the SATs, Fielos and Lauren's sleep-over. I could use another evening like last Friday night.
January 27th
Not a bad day overall. I wasn't too crazy about the kids having champagne, but hey, it's a godparent's prerogative, right? And after all, Lauren did survive the SATs this morning. When we got home we ended up watching "The Longest Day" together for awhile. For some reason, I find that kind of history so fascinating to see and share with them.
January 28th
Rita's so great -- a nice smile on a Sunday night. Got a lot of office work done today; all that filing! AJ just had a nightmare -- something about Lauren and pickles...Let's have a productive, fun week!
January 29th
I must be in worse shape than I thought. Tina remarked that I didn't seem like me and I wasn't even aware of it. I guess I am sort of wired. I think I'm beginning to get subconsciously nervous. Well, the newsletter went out today! Mostly. We still have some problems between cc:mail and TeamLinks. but I'm already mostly through the next one and I'm psyched. (Please let me stay.) Elayne got a new job and it's hard to imagine her working in a happy place. What a relief. Lauren can be SUCH a bitch. Me too.
January 30th
Wrote another newsletter today. I'm really looking forward to putting some of my ideas in there. It was kind of disquieting to realize that I seem to be the only one thinking about how the building should function in terms of "Zenner's vision". Will my insight/input be valued when it comes time for contract renewal? Had a few moments of feeling really really good tonight, realizing, on an emotional level, how much I've actually accomplished in putting these affairs together. Yay me!
January 31st
Boy did I crash tonight. It was a good, productive day though. From finishing the newsletter to interviewing Jeff, to coming up with the Coffee Bar design with Elayne, to finishing up some more Bat Mitzvah stuff. And I got 2 newsletter responses! Dad says I'm an ombudsman and he may have something there. I love operating on all cylinders and then being able to recognize that I need to zone out for awhile, before I lose it. This is good. Thanks~!
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
1966 -- August 12th
Helene picked me up at around 7:30 and she looked great! We stopped at the Plaza so she could get some flashcubes for her 304 Instamatic camera. I brought mine, too. We parked about three blocks from the Civic Center, which was good, considering the crowd. Such weirdos like I've NEVER seen! I mean, I've seen boys with shoulder-length hair before on TV, but it's nothing like in person. One "normal" character was in boots, skin-tight white levis, a wild Carnaby shirt and long blond hair -- it just had to be set.
So...in we went to our seats -- center aisle -- 5th row. Just TOO excellent! After sitting around for a little while I finally located the kids -- Terri, Judy, Ronni and Barb. I told them about going backstage by sign languate. They were dying! They were trying to see my hair with opera glasses. I saw Richard out in the hall. He said he was gonna get me back there. We went back to our seats and the show finally started about 10 minutes late.
First group was The Rare Breed. The most adorable drummer and guitar player were in it. I couldn't see past the girl in front of me without cocking my head. Suddenly the drummer was staring in my direction (I think his name is Scotty). I wanted to make sure that he was looking at me so I turned my head the other way...and so did he! I was SO happy!
In between groups, Ken Crash ("who's he?"). Johnny Dark and some other dumb DJ stalled for time by plugging "Ready, Steady, Go" and some other garbage. Next were the Shades of Blue with one good song,. They also sang "Oh How Happy" I think, and "Sweets for My Sweet". This girl in front of me was a raving maniac. She was hysterical just WAITING for Chad and Jeremy and the Raiders. Weird or not? The place wasn't full but they drew a pretty good crowd -- loud anyway.
So...next came The Uptown Dancers and the Turtles. The Turtles put out an excellent song last year that I would've like to hear, but about 10:00, in the middle of their act, Richard came to take us back.
I was as excited as anything. Up to then, I had to laugh aloud everytime I thought of what a celebrity I'd be to the kids if I really could meet the groups...So, Helene, me and Gordy (his cousin) got up, ducked under the ropes marking off the sides and went into a door marked Stage Door. What a coicidence! HA HA. OK -- so I was nervous. We walked up 3 steps and down a hall toward the stage. There was a black mat over a sort of rubber floor which my heels sank into. We made a right and in two seconds were in front of a door. In we went and I found myself in a room a little larger than my homeroom this past year. I think it was a dressing room from the bright lights, mirror and showers. There were about 25 or 30 boys and girls, especially, lined up around the side of the room. I stayed near the door.
We only had to wait a minute before the door opened and in trooped Chad and Jeremy and Paul Revere and the Raiders.
I was in a beautiful state of shock. After reviving, I received a Chad and Jeremy pamphlet and set off getting autographs. First to be approached was Paul. Upon signing the back of my book (I had no paper), he remarkd, "I know those two chaps". I should hope so, after performing in the same show!
Fang (who also said the same thing!) was next and ran out of ink on the "G". he tried twice to make the pen work and then gave up. Believe me, I know what it says. Chad and Jeremy did the honors following Fang and made nice little practically unintellible scrawls.
I figured it was time for some picture-taking. Actually, I really don't know how I could think at all. I can't remember if I got Paul or not, but I know I shot one of Mark. Fang posed, but I couldn't get the button on the camera down, so I missed it. Don't worry -- I got him and Chad and Jeremy and maybe Harpo. Helene then suggested that I have my picture taken with a couple of them. This was not the place for shyness, so off I went. Believe me, I was in the daze to beat all dazes.
Paul again was first on the list. My brilliant recruiting speech consisted of, "Paul, would you mind if I had my picture taken with you?" He didn't mind. He just put his arm around me (WOW!) and smiled. It's funny but I never realized how tall he is until now. Over 6 foot, I'm sure. His hair was a little shorter than I remember it, but other than that he looked the same.
Next was none other than your favorite and mine, Fang Baby! I repeated the question to him, even though he was busy signing autographs. In repsonse, he put his arm around my neck, and hoding the paper in that hand reached across and continued to sign. I died 1,000,000 times. TV does not do this boy justice. He is precious to beat all precious. But the blasted flashbulb didn't go off, and when we finally got the picture, Fang had his arm back. Oh well. I approached dear Harpo after that (he was sort of by himself) and he smiled his very self-conscious smile and SNAP!
Next come IT, and I do mean IT. I asked Chad to be in a picture with yours truly, and he looked down at me, smiled, and said in that gorgeous British accent, "Of course, luv". Oh God -- What have I done in this world to deserve such ecstasy? Well, you can guess what followed -- TWICE the flash didn't blink. Chad offered to see what was wrong but declined quickly after one look at the camera. He was so funny. All this time his arm was around my waist and I was lapping up every second of that delicious feeling. What a man! Finally it was taken after I had informed Chad that I was not moving until that darn camera worked.
On I moved to darling Jeremy (please don't mind my sentimentality). He's another cute 6 footer, with another luvable grip. He has an adorable way of looking right at you when he talks, with those beautiful big eyes of his. So ended the photography section. Only parts I could kill myself over were missing Smitty and Mark and not getting that "intimate" pic of Fang and I.
Here come the descriptions...As far as my weak brain will allow me to remember (which can't possibly be much considering the condition I was in), Fang looked sharp in tight gray pants with white pin stripes, a groovy long sleeved polka-dot (possibly) shirt and maybe boots. One them had boot loafers on -- don't ask me who. Fang's a doll -- no two ways about it. His hair looked good and I think he had a little more powder makeup on than did the others. He has a real smooth complexion, big eyes like Jeremy, and OOH -- that smile! He'd be great in a toothpaste commercial.
Mark can be described in two words -- tough and sexy. He was both, all over. It leaked out of every pore. He was another tall one -- and big-boned, too. He had his little pigtail, too, which I would've liked to pull. He had brown suede boots, tight pants (what else?), boots and someone, I know, had on an excellent-looking big, black belt. One of my only disappointments of the night was not getting up close to Mark.
Harpo's outfit seems a little hazy -- something like a bright colored (possibly orange) jersey. Chad and Jeremy looked fantastic. I can't tell you exactly what they wore until I get the pictures back, but they looked great. Most of it was brown, though. Smitty was a panic. A little guy with a stern-looking expression -- he got to this girl's heart all right.
That being over, I leaned against a wall and stared at Fang who looked a little bushed. Then I joined everyone for a group photo, professionally taken. Mark had both of his arms over the shoulders of two girls so I wedged myself in beside him. His elbow is tough, too. (What? ;-) I wish I had bought color film and had gotten more pictures, and that there was more time. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know. Oh yeah -- I would've liked to have said something about Laredo to C&J.
All of a sudden, we were all out of the room and Helene handed me a C&J album -- not yet on sale and grabbed from somewhere. Before sitting down again (it was intermission) I went over to the gang. They were gnashing their teeth in envy. They had seen me leave. The girl in front of them kept trying to say something to me but couldn't get it out. I was still starry-eyed. Then the second stage set in where my knees turned to water and I just had to sit down or fall down.
The show went on. Some dumb group called the Guillotines had their damn amplifiers on too loud and when the crowd yelled at everybody from the police to the DJs to turn them down, they misunderstood us for yelling at the group. Dummies. Tommy Roe was OK -- nothing spectacular.
Chad and Jeremy had everybody going crazy from the minute the curtains opened. Jeremy is a lot more of a ham, I think. He yelled (jokingly) at the girl in front of me to shut up and she wilted on the spot. All she could say wuz "He talked to me, he looked at me" over and over again. They sang a nice little dirty song and a medley, plus "Distant Shores" -- just great.
And then -- THE RAIDERS! What an act! I didn't scream during the show; just chewed gum like a maniac. It was pure maniacal bliss. Their routines are 50 times as great in person. Everything had perfect timing, and even a wrong note hit by Paul was funny. The place was bedlam. Terri was jumping up and swinging her jacket with the rest of them. But I got a little fed up with a girl hollering in my ear, so I upped and went to watch from behind the rope. I even managed to edge closer to the stage than any other kid there. It seems practically impossible, to me, to jump the gate to the stage. Between the first row and the guard rail there are a few cops, then there's a drop with 10 policemen lining the bottom of the stage and some on each side. It's a good arrangement.
Anyway, a little after my move we were all hustled backstage where after a few minutes, I went in the wings to watch the performance. Absolutely everybody was remarking how polished and professional their act was, as well as funny. We mustn't forget the songs either. My favorite was one by Fang entitled, "Baby, Please Don't Go". Linda's got it on her album, which I promptly borrowed.
Too soon there was an abrupt silence and I realized that the curtain had been drawn. Here comes the neat part -- Almost immediately, the Raiders laid down their instruments and charged in my direction (I heard today that Harpo may have ripped his pants). They looked so good in their costumes. In the room I forgot about their outfits and was thinking that they would wear the clothes I described. But those are their EVERYDAY clothes. ACK!
Four Raiders ran by but Gordy's mother stopped Fang and begged him to sign his name. I could see him having little fits. He hollered for the rest of the boys to hold the bus. I stood next to him and stared. He was so hot that a little drop of sweat had dripped down on his chin. Then off he ran. I chased after him, and Helene after me, then Richard and some other guys. I missed seeing them and C&J get on the bus, but I saw it pull out from out back. What an exit! But even then, some kids were out screaming by the bus. I heard that they stayed for awhile at the Holiday Inn. Some guy said he passed there earlier and some 400 girls were out front with WE LOVE THE RAIDERS signs.
I'd love to do it again. I'm just sorry I don't remember as much as I'd like to, and that I didn't get to say some things I wanted to say. Before we left, I managed to fool around for a few minutes with Paul's keyboard. His fingerprints were all over it...
So...in we went to our seats -- center aisle -- 5th row. Just TOO excellent! After sitting around for a little while I finally located the kids -- Terri, Judy, Ronni and Barb. I told them about going backstage by sign languate. They were dying! They were trying to see my hair with opera glasses. I saw Richard out in the hall. He said he was gonna get me back there. We went back to our seats and the show finally started about 10 minutes late.
First group was The Rare Breed. The most adorable drummer and guitar player were in it. I couldn't see past the girl in front of me without cocking my head. Suddenly the drummer was staring in my direction (I think his name is Scotty). I wanted to make sure that he was looking at me so I turned my head the other way...and so did he! I was SO happy!
In between groups, Ken Crash ("who's he?"). Johnny Dark and some other dumb DJ stalled for time by plugging "Ready, Steady, Go" and some other garbage. Next were the Shades of Blue with one good song,. They also sang "Oh How Happy" I think, and "Sweets for My Sweet". This girl in front of me was a raving maniac. She was hysterical just WAITING for Chad and Jeremy and the Raiders. Weird or not? The place wasn't full but they drew a pretty good crowd -- loud anyway.
So...next came The Uptown Dancers and the Turtles. The Turtles put out an excellent song last year that I would've like to hear, but about 10:00, in the middle of their act, Richard came to take us back.
I was as excited as anything. Up to then, I had to laugh aloud everytime I thought of what a celebrity I'd be to the kids if I really could meet the groups...So, Helene, me and Gordy (his cousin) got up, ducked under the ropes marking off the sides and went into a door marked Stage Door. What a coicidence! HA HA. OK -- so I was nervous. We walked up 3 steps and down a hall toward the stage. There was a black mat over a sort of rubber floor which my heels sank into. We made a right and in two seconds were in front of a door. In we went and I found myself in a room a little larger than my homeroom this past year. I think it was a dressing room from the bright lights, mirror and showers. There were about 25 or 30 boys and girls, especially, lined up around the side of the room. I stayed near the door.
We only had to wait a minute before the door opened and in trooped Chad and Jeremy and Paul Revere and the Raiders.
I was in a beautiful state of shock. After reviving, I received a Chad and Jeremy pamphlet and set off getting autographs. First to be approached was Paul. Upon signing the back of my book (I had no paper), he remarkd, "I know those two chaps". I should hope so, after performing in the same show!
Fang (who also said the same thing!) was next and ran out of ink on the "G". he tried twice to make the pen work and then gave up. Believe me, I know what it says. Chad and Jeremy did the honors following Fang and made nice little practically unintellible scrawls.
I figured it was time for some picture-taking. Actually, I really don't know how I could think at all. I can't remember if I got Paul or not, but I know I shot one of Mark. Fang posed, but I couldn't get the button on the camera down, so I missed it. Don't worry -- I got him and Chad and Jeremy and maybe Harpo. Helene then suggested that I have my picture taken with a couple of them. This was not the place for shyness, so off I went. Believe me, I was in the daze to beat all dazes.
Paul again was first on the list. My brilliant recruiting speech consisted of, "Paul, would you mind if I had my picture taken with you?" He didn't mind. He just put his arm around me (WOW!) and smiled. It's funny but I never realized how tall he is until now. Over 6 foot, I'm sure. His hair was a little shorter than I remember it, but other than that he looked the same.
Next was none other than your favorite and mine, Fang Baby! I repeated the question to him, even though he was busy signing autographs. In repsonse, he put his arm around my neck, and hoding the paper in that hand reached across and continued to sign. I died 1,000,000 times. TV does not do this boy justice. He is precious to beat all precious. But the blasted flashbulb didn't go off, and when we finally got the picture, Fang had his arm back. Oh well. I approached dear Harpo after that (he was sort of by himself) and he smiled his very self-conscious smile and SNAP!
Next come IT, and I do mean IT. I asked Chad to be in a picture with yours truly, and he looked down at me, smiled, and said in that gorgeous British accent, "Of course, luv". Oh God -- What have I done in this world to deserve such ecstasy? Well, you can guess what followed -- TWICE the flash didn't blink. Chad offered to see what was wrong but declined quickly after one look at the camera. He was so funny. All this time his arm was around my waist and I was lapping up every second of that delicious feeling. What a man! Finally it was taken after I had informed Chad that I was not moving until that darn camera worked.
On I moved to darling Jeremy (please don't mind my sentimentality). He's another cute 6 footer, with another luvable grip. He has an adorable way of looking right at you when he talks, with those beautiful big eyes of his. So ended the photography section. Only parts I could kill myself over were missing Smitty and Mark and not getting that "intimate" pic of Fang and I.
Here come the descriptions...As far as my weak brain will allow me to remember (which can't possibly be much considering the condition I was in), Fang looked sharp in tight gray pants with white pin stripes, a groovy long sleeved polka-dot (possibly) shirt and maybe boots. One them had boot loafers on -- don't ask me who. Fang's a doll -- no two ways about it. His hair looked good and I think he had a little more powder makeup on than did the others. He has a real smooth complexion, big eyes like Jeremy, and OOH -- that smile! He'd be great in a toothpaste commercial.
Mark can be described in two words -- tough and sexy. He was both, all over. It leaked out of every pore. He was another tall one -- and big-boned, too. He had his little pigtail, too, which I would've liked to pull. He had brown suede boots, tight pants (what else?), boots and someone, I know, had on an excellent-looking big, black belt. One of my only disappointments of the night was not getting up close to Mark.
Harpo's outfit seems a little hazy -- something like a bright colored (possibly orange) jersey. Chad and Jeremy looked fantastic. I can't tell you exactly what they wore until I get the pictures back, but they looked great. Most of it was brown, though. Smitty was a panic. A little guy with a stern-looking expression -- he got to this girl's heart all right.
That being over, I leaned against a wall and stared at Fang who looked a little bushed. Then I joined everyone for a group photo, professionally taken. Mark had both of his arms over the shoulders of two girls so I wedged myself in beside him. His elbow is tough, too. (What? ;-) I wish I had bought color film and had gotten more pictures, and that there was more time. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know. Oh yeah -- I would've liked to have said something about Laredo to C&J.
All of a sudden, we were all out of the room and Helene handed me a C&J album -- not yet on sale and grabbed from somewhere. Before sitting down again (it was intermission) I went over to the gang. They were gnashing their teeth in envy. They had seen me leave. The girl in front of them kept trying to say something to me but couldn't get it out. I was still starry-eyed. Then the second stage set in where my knees turned to water and I just had to sit down or fall down.
The show went on. Some dumb group called the Guillotines had their damn amplifiers on too loud and when the crowd yelled at everybody from the police to the DJs to turn them down, they misunderstood us for yelling at the group. Dummies. Tommy Roe was OK -- nothing spectacular.
Chad and Jeremy had everybody going crazy from the minute the curtains opened. Jeremy is a lot more of a ham, I think. He yelled (jokingly) at the girl in front of me to shut up and she wilted on the spot. All she could say wuz "He talked to me, he looked at me" over and over again. They sang a nice little dirty song and a medley, plus "Distant Shores" -- just great.
And then -- THE RAIDERS! What an act! I didn't scream during the show; just chewed gum like a maniac. It was pure maniacal bliss. Their routines are 50 times as great in person. Everything had perfect timing, and even a wrong note hit by Paul was funny. The place was bedlam. Terri was jumping up and swinging her jacket with the rest of them. But I got a little fed up with a girl hollering in my ear, so I upped and went to watch from behind the rope. I even managed to edge closer to the stage than any other kid there. It seems practically impossible, to me, to jump the gate to the stage. Between the first row and the guard rail there are a few cops, then there's a drop with 10 policemen lining the bottom of the stage and some on each side. It's a good arrangement.
Anyway, a little after my move we were all hustled backstage where after a few minutes, I went in the wings to watch the performance. Absolutely everybody was remarking how polished and professional their act was, as well as funny. We mustn't forget the songs either. My favorite was one by Fang entitled, "Baby, Please Don't Go". Linda's got it on her album, which I promptly borrowed.
Too soon there was an abrupt silence and I realized that the curtain had been drawn. Here comes the neat part -- Almost immediately, the Raiders laid down their instruments and charged in my direction (I heard today that Harpo may have ripped his pants). They looked so good in their costumes. In the room I forgot about their outfits and was thinking that they would wear the clothes I described. But those are their EVERYDAY clothes. ACK!
Four Raiders ran by but Gordy's mother stopped Fang and begged him to sign his name. I could see him having little fits. He hollered for the rest of the boys to hold the bus. I stood next to him and stared. He was so hot that a little drop of sweat had dripped down on his chin. Then off he ran. I chased after him, and Helene after me, then Richard and some other guys. I missed seeing them and C&J get on the bus, but I saw it pull out from out back. What an exit! But even then, some kids were out screaming by the bus. I heard that they stayed for awhile at the Holiday Inn. Some guy said he passed there earlier and some 400 girls were out front with WE LOVE THE RAIDERS signs.
I'd love to do it again. I'm just sorry I don't remember as much as I'd like to, and that I didn't get to say some things I wanted to say. Before we left, I managed to fool around for a few minutes with Paul's keyboard. His fingerprints were all over it...
Saturday, December 29, 2012
1972
(from "Personality in Autobiography" class)
For the summer of 1970, I had hoped to get an assistantship at the Richards Center for Emotionally Disturbed Children, but was told at the last minute that due to financial reasons, they were unable to hire new employees. So, in June of 1970, I faced the prospect of a jobless summer. I now know that it's foolish to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I had almost been PROMISED that job, and as a result, I hadn't filed any other applications. I was willing to do almost anything that didn't involve standing on my feet all day (my feet are not cut out to be the feet of a cashier) but all of my dialing through the yellow pages was to no avail.
Shortly thereafter, as luck would have it, Don's father informed me of a temporary opening in the Accounts Payable section of the Controller's Office here at Hopkins (Mr. Schlenger was, at the time, Associate Controller). The job involved filling in for an elderly lady who was ill and whose responsibility it normally was to type checks. The women in my section (there were 7) were practically all middle-class widows, gossipy but kind. They sort of adopted me, being as I was the youngest member of their group, and I fit comfortably into the daily work routine. The two weeks were soon up, but I found that I was able to stay on by virtue of the fact that the woman whom I had temporarily replaced had decided to retire.
At first the weeks zoomed by, but then I began to tire of doing nothing but typing checks all day and every day. It was the kind of task that was routine enough so that I didn't have to concentrate too intently, but at the same time I had to pay enough attention to keep from making careless errors that would necessitate voiding the check. The other women didn't seem to mind the unvarying tediousness of their work, but I found myself growing nervous and disturbed as my mind kept reaching out for some sort of stimulation. I didn't know whether I was reacting normally or not (after all, the people sitting around me seemed to be relaxed enough) but after a period of time I began to be irritable and unhappy around my family and friends.
I couldn't seem to think clearly at all -- I went through the motions at work each day, but try as I might, I just couldn't fit it all into an irrelevant corner of my mind. Things finally got to the point where I actually feared for my sanity if I had to type just one more check, and this may have been the closest I've ever come to a nervous breakdown. I've shut much of this experience out of my mind so I can't recall exactly how I felt, but I do remember speaking to my supervisor about the possibility of varying my work occassionally. She readily agreed (although she had not been aware that there had been a problem) and the last week or two of work was a little better. My co-workers were so wonderful to me that I felt guilty about my problem untilI realized that I had, after all, done a good job and that they just happened to be more cut out for this type of thing than I.
Unbelievable as it may sound, the summer of '71 found me back in Accounts Payable. Much had transpired since the year before, and the new turn of event promised to make the 12 weeks at least tolerable, if nothing else. Don and I had made plans to marry in August, and I had been accepted in JHU as a transfer student, so I was now participating in a work-study program. With our wedding to look forward to, and so many tings to do (including 2 summer session courses) I was able to adjust to the old check routine.
However, the summer months brought a reorganization of the department, a state of affairs that was displeasing to many of the people involved. A new tenseness accompanied the move from out tiny, intimate office into the more spacious quarters of Garland Hall. During this time I began to consider the possibility of becoming a secretary in the Psychology Dept. I had heard that there was a position available, and I very much wanted to get involved in the department of my major. I thought that I would finish out the summer in Accounts Payable and then see if they would still need me in the fall. I dicussed it with my supervisor and she said that they wouldn't -- another student was planning to stay on. So two weeks after the start of the fall semester, I began my work as a Psychology Department secretary. The pay's pretty good, the hours are swell, and I think that for the most part I'm a very lucky girl.
I don't think that my work record is in any way unusual, although I did have demonstrated to me, rather dramatically, that I require some sort of variety, purpose, or interest in what I do. I realize that much of the work we engage in during our lifetime is dull and routine, but certain people are just better suited for certain jobs. Secretarial work is largely routine in that I mostly type letters, stuff envelopes and file folders, but at least I do some of each only a few hours a week, and the work itself is rewarding because I enjoy helping to keep the wheels of my department rolling.
I need to work towards a goal -- certainly not monetary -- but one that I can eventually reach and then look back to see what I have accomplished. At Rosewood, I could help to make a child smile, and even now I can know the satisfaction of a deadline met or a well-typed manuscript. Typing checks however, although it obviously must be done, is not for me. There's no real beginning to a pile of them, no real end, and only dull repetition in-between. I'm glad I had the experience, though, because I was involved in a working world where life runs along at a different pace and where people pick up their work at 8:30 in the morning and leave it again at 5:00PM. It provided an "interesting" insight.
*****************************
The people that I admire now are usually extroverted philanthropists who are old enough and accomplished enough to be able to tell everyone to go to hell, but still are warm-hearted enough to want to contribute somehow to the disadvantaged of the world. I think that's really a cool way to be.
*****************************
Religious beliefs play only a small part in my daily life. I do pray to God when I'm frightened or concerned about someone else, but when I do, more often than not, I feel guilty that I'm just using Him. I feel secure in my faith, though. My conception of God is that of a principle of unity operating in the universe; I don't tend to personify Him as such, but I believe that SOME force, SOMEwhere, SOMEtime had to start the ball rolling. I believe in fate -- that events are laid out on a certain path, and what is meant to be will be, but trying to live a good life and being thankful for your blessings are still important (and perhaps influential).
Since it is doubtful that I shall learn in my lifetime whether or not in fact we are the puppets of a race of giant beings, I can only assume that because we exist, there is a meaning in our existence. The meaning may be apparent only to us individually in that each of us has the ultimate responsibility of filling the hous, days and years of his/her (brief) stay on this planet. Whether we choose to just live in the moment or to leave a humanitarian mark on society will depend on what each of us considers to be the purpose of his/her own life.
My own belief is sort of a combination. I believe that we are created in a certain mold with a certain amount of free will. That is to say, we are born with the capacity to develop within the particular limitations of our own personality and environment. To accept the premise that man is a creature of some value, if only by virtue of the fact that he does exist, is to say that each and every life is valuable. therefor it is most desirable to develop in ways that will contribute to the common good and well-being of mankind, and we can do this by developing our own individual potentials.
Hillel the Elder said:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
and if not now, when...?"
My own philosophy is basically this, and I know of no better way of saying it.
**************************
My preference in books is relatively diverse: I enjoy historical novels, biographies, westerns, romances and science fiction. I'm also very prone to re-reading children's books.
Listening to music has also been a favorite hobby of mine. My earliest memories in this area are of story-telling records that I would play over and over again on a little phonograph. For my 7th birthday, I received a record player with a 45 RPM spindle, and a recording of "Peer Gynt in the Hall of the Mountain King", plus some current rock'n'roll hits. My Bat Mitzvah brought with it the gift of a stereo from my three aunts, and I had the Beatles first album blaring out of it night and day. I have a pretty fair collection of records; music has always had the power to both relax and inspire me and I associate quite a few memories with particular songs. I don't care too much for opera or country and western style music, but I do like listening to classical, popular, folk and hard rock.
My most absorbing hobby was making collections. Before I organized my possessions into several scrapbooks, I had drawers filler with sugar packets from restaurants, postcards, sea shells, buttons, magazine clippings, comic strips and you name it. One of my proudest achievements is my 3 scrapbooks -- neatly organized and labeled, containing an exhaustive record of my life from age 12 to 20. I also have kept my collection of pictures in photograph albums and a notebook of all my creative writing.
I don't think that I was a "loner" when I was a child and adolescent but I did spend a considerable amount of time absorbed in my own personal activities. Looking back, it seems to me that I never required the constant companionship and external stimulation that so many of the kids in my neighborhood did. They must have thought me to be a little strange on the occasions when I refused their company, but I don't remember ever being really disturbed by it.
****************************
If I remember correctly, my earliest ambition was to be a veterinarian. I've always loved dogs and other animals and I hoped to have a career where I could be in constant contact with them. In 6th grade I decided that I would become a journalist. I was writing quite a bit at that time and had dreams of free-lance contributions to prestigious publications. By the time I was 14, I had developed an interest in television and travel, and thought that I might go into the field of advertising. But at 16 I entered our family counseling sessions with a psychologist and was terrifically impressed with the way she interacted with us. I decided that some form of psychology was the career for me and have never doubted my choice.
My parents have always emphasized to me the importance of being happy with the life style that I choose to adopt. They've said that money is important, but only in terms of the security it provides for you in time of need and for the additional pleasures in life that it allows you to enjoy. I believe that this approach is very sensible. If I found 2 million dollars in my mailbox tomorrow, I wouldn't argue about it, but I'm under no illusions about money bringing happiness. It just ain't so.
**************************
I believe that homosexuality is an illness and as such should not be punishable under law. I disagree with Gay Liberation's contention that it is "normal" sexual behavior, but if a man or woman is unable to change their sexual orientation (or does not desire to) then he/she should be allowed to pursue their own interests, provided of course that they use discretion. I'm not about to advocate legislation of what people should or should not do in their own homes.
It's interesting to read this today to see where I started from...
***************************
Don and I first met in Yearbook class when I was a junior and he a senior, and it was entirely a matter of fate. I had signed up for yearbook the year before, but so did quite a number of other kids and in this case being selected was entirely up to chance. The selection process was simple: as the sophomores on the list were, for the most part, unknown to the editor, he would pick them in almost a random fashion. When I received my letter of acceptance (I should've only known that the author of the letter was to be my future husband!), I had no idea how close I had come to actually being rejected. Don later told me that the first time he had gone through the list, he had skipped my name, "Sonia Plaine", because it sounded too weird, but the second time around he decided that it was "interesting".
The first time I recall noticing Don was when I inquired about the possibility of a ride with him to the first Saturday meeting of the Northwest Tutorial Alliance at JHU. I had originally asked the head of the tutorial project if he knew of anyone who could give me a lift and he told me that Don was driving that day. He pointed him out to me in the crowded room and over I went. I gave Don my address and was surprised that he knew where it was, not being aware at the time that he lived in the same general vicinity as me.
***************************
In light of Don's family situation, it's not difficult to see the origins of many of his problems. And one might notice a similarity between the relationship between Don and his mother, and that of my father and his mother. I wondered if I was adding substance to the idea that girls tend to marry men like their fathers.
I've realized, though, that certain problems in life are here to stay and one just has to face that fact. Hard work doesn't always have its just rewards and wishing doesn't make it so, either. I'm trying to cope and have found that the "Serenity Prayer" of Alcoholics Anonymous pretty much sums up where I'm at:
"God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference."
***************************
I have a lot of faith in my powers of intuition. I believe that my thinking is above average in originality, imaginative resources and creative ability, but not superior in any way.
I don't believe that I've utilized my intellectual capacities as much as I'm capable of doing in relation to work and school activities. Maybe my drive to excel should be stronger. I believe that I study well but perhaps I should put more effort into it and not be satisfied with a B when I think I'm capable of getting an A.
I'm interested in a number of different fields but I haven't really engaged actively in them. I mostly learn through reading and discussion. I don't know whether or not I prefer a reasonable amount of knowledge of many things or a highly specialized knowledge of a single field. I think it's important to have both.
****************************
When I was about 14, I decided that I was wasting too much time regretting actions or events that had already past, so I devised my own little rule, "Never say, 'If only...'" and I've attempted to follow it. When something's done, it's DONE and the best thing to do is just to try and avoid making the same mistake again. In other words, "no regrets".
****************************
I don't normally go around ASKING for praise or approval but I think that I need a fairly large amount of it to compensate for my insecurity and fear of criticism. I used to think that I was a failure if everyone didn't approve of me, but I think that I'm past that stage now. oO course I like others to think well of me, but unless they're people whom I truly respect, I can live without their approval. I know that by my 20th year I should have a pretty fair idea of what I'm good at, but there are times when having someone tell me that I'm good makes it more believable.
The primary virtues that I demand of myself are patience, persistence, unselfishness and promptness. I like other people to have a basic sense of integrity and to be unselfish, prompt and honest.
******************************
I learned, in this project, that I am a product of many influences, several of which I had not considered previously. I've become more aware of my potential for achievement in terms of intellectual capabilites and I'm determined now to take positive steps in that direction. I've seen that I must battle the negative influences of my over-sensitivity and tendency toward over-anxiousness so that I won't be forced backwards into a self-consious passivity. I've also recognized that cause and effect is not always a simple one-to-one relationship; the number of variable makes for a complex but interesting analysis.
For the summer of 1970, I had hoped to get an assistantship at the Richards Center for Emotionally Disturbed Children, but was told at the last minute that due to financial reasons, they were unable to hire new employees. So, in June of 1970, I faced the prospect of a jobless summer. I now know that it's foolish to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I had almost been PROMISED that job, and as a result, I hadn't filed any other applications. I was willing to do almost anything that didn't involve standing on my feet all day (my feet are not cut out to be the feet of a cashier) but all of my dialing through the yellow pages was to no avail.
Shortly thereafter, as luck would have it, Don's father informed me of a temporary opening in the Accounts Payable section of the Controller's Office here at Hopkins (Mr. Schlenger was, at the time, Associate Controller). The job involved filling in for an elderly lady who was ill and whose responsibility it normally was to type checks. The women in my section (there were 7) were practically all middle-class widows, gossipy but kind. They sort of adopted me, being as I was the youngest member of their group, and I fit comfortably into the daily work routine. The two weeks were soon up, but I found that I was able to stay on by virtue of the fact that the woman whom I had temporarily replaced had decided to retire.
At first the weeks zoomed by, but then I began to tire of doing nothing but typing checks all day and every day. It was the kind of task that was routine enough so that I didn't have to concentrate too intently, but at the same time I had to pay enough attention to keep from making careless errors that would necessitate voiding the check. The other women didn't seem to mind the unvarying tediousness of their work, but I found myself growing nervous and disturbed as my mind kept reaching out for some sort of stimulation. I didn't know whether I was reacting normally or not (after all, the people sitting around me seemed to be relaxed enough) but after a period of time I began to be irritable and unhappy around my family and friends.
I couldn't seem to think clearly at all -- I went through the motions at work each day, but try as I might, I just couldn't fit it all into an irrelevant corner of my mind. Things finally got to the point where I actually feared for my sanity if I had to type just one more check, and this may have been the closest I've ever come to a nervous breakdown. I've shut much of this experience out of my mind so I can't recall exactly how I felt, but I do remember speaking to my supervisor about the possibility of varying my work occassionally. She readily agreed (although she had not been aware that there had been a problem) and the last week or two of work was a little better. My co-workers were so wonderful to me that I felt guilty about my problem untilI realized that I had, after all, done a good job and that they just happened to be more cut out for this type of thing than I.
Unbelievable as it may sound, the summer of '71 found me back in Accounts Payable. Much had transpired since the year before, and the new turn of event promised to make the 12 weeks at least tolerable, if nothing else. Don and I had made plans to marry in August, and I had been accepted in JHU as a transfer student, so I was now participating in a work-study program. With our wedding to look forward to, and so many tings to do (including 2 summer session courses) I was able to adjust to the old check routine.
However, the summer months brought a reorganization of the department, a state of affairs that was displeasing to many of the people involved. A new tenseness accompanied the move from out tiny, intimate office into the more spacious quarters of Garland Hall. During this time I began to consider the possibility of becoming a secretary in the Psychology Dept. I had heard that there was a position available, and I very much wanted to get involved in the department of my major. I thought that I would finish out the summer in Accounts Payable and then see if they would still need me in the fall. I dicussed it with my supervisor and she said that they wouldn't -- another student was planning to stay on. So two weeks after the start of the fall semester, I began my work as a Psychology Department secretary. The pay's pretty good, the hours are swell, and I think that for the most part I'm a very lucky girl.
I don't think that my work record is in any way unusual, although I did have demonstrated to me, rather dramatically, that I require some sort of variety, purpose, or interest in what I do. I realize that much of the work we engage in during our lifetime is dull and routine, but certain people are just better suited for certain jobs. Secretarial work is largely routine in that I mostly type letters, stuff envelopes and file folders, but at least I do some of each only a few hours a week, and the work itself is rewarding because I enjoy helping to keep the wheels of my department rolling.
I need to work towards a goal -- certainly not monetary -- but one that I can eventually reach and then look back to see what I have accomplished. At Rosewood, I could help to make a child smile, and even now I can know the satisfaction of a deadline met or a well-typed manuscript. Typing checks however, although it obviously must be done, is not for me. There's no real beginning to a pile of them, no real end, and only dull repetition in-between. I'm glad I had the experience, though, because I was involved in a working world where life runs along at a different pace and where people pick up their work at 8:30 in the morning and leave it again at 5:00PM. It provided an "interesting" insight.
*****************************
The people that I admire now are usually extroverted philanthropists who are old enough and accomplished enough to be able to tell everyone to go to hell, but still are warm-hearted enough to want to contribute somehow to the disadvantaged of the world. I think that's really a cool way to be.
*****************************
Religious beliefs play only a small part in my daily life. I do pray to God when I'm frightened or concerned about someone else, but when I do, more often than not, I feel guilty that I'm just using Him. I feel secure in my faith, though. My conception of God is that of a principle of unity operating in the universe; I don't tend to personify Him as such, but I believe that SOME force, SOMEwhere, SOMEtime had to start the ball rolling. I believe in fate -- that events are laid out on a certain path, and what is meant to be will be, but trying to live a good life and being thankful for your blessings are still important (and perhaps influential).
Since it is doubtful that I shall learn in my lifetime whether or not in fact we are the puppets of a race of giant beings, I can only assume that because we exist, there is a meaning in our existence. The meaning may be apparent only to us individually in that each of us has the ultimate responsibility of filling the hous, days and years of his/her (brief) stay on this planet. Whether we choose to just live in the moment or to leave a humanitarian mark on society will depend on what each of us considers to be the purpose of his/her own life.
My own belief is sort of a combination. I believe that we are created in a certain mold with a certain amount of free will. That is to say, we are born with the capacity to develop within the particular limitations of our own personality and environment. To accept the premise that man is a creature of some value, if only by virtue of the fact that he does exist, is to say that each and every life is valuable. therefor it is most desirable to develop in ways that will contribute to the common good and well-being of mankind, and we can do this by developing our own individual potentials.
Hillel the Elder said:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
and if not now, when...?"
My own philosophy is basically this, and I know of no better way of saying it.
**************************
My preference in books is relatively diverse: I enjoy historical novels, biographies, westerns, romances and science fiction. I'm also very prone to re-reading children's books.
Listening to music has also been a favorite hobby of mine. My earliest memories in this area are of story-telling records that I would play over and over again on a little phonograph. For my 7th birthday, I received a record player with a 45 RPM spindle, and a recording of "Peer Gynt in the Hall of the Mountain King", plus some current rock'n'roll hits. My Bat Mitzvah brought with it the gift of a stereo from my three aunts, and I had the Beatles first album blaring out of it night and day. I have a pretty fair collection of records; music has always had the power to both relax and inspire me and I associate quite a few memories with particular songs. I don't care too much for opera or country and western style music, but I do like listening to classical, popular, folk and hard rock.
My most absorbing hobby was making collections. Before I organized my possessions into several scrapbooks, I had drawers filler with sugar packets from restaurants, postcards, sea shells, buttons, magazine clippings, comic strips and you name it. One of my proudest achievements is my 3 scrapbooks -- neatly organized and labeled, containing an exhaustive record of my life from age 12 to 20. I also have kept my collection of pictures in photograph albums and a notebook of all my creative writing.
I don't think that I was a "loner" when I was a child and adolescent but I did spend a considerable amount of time absorbed in my own personal activities. Looking back, it seems to me that I never required the constant companionship and external stimulation that so many of the kids in my neighborhood did. They must have thought me to be a little strange on the occasions when I refused their company, but I don't remember ever being really disturbed by it.
****************************
If I remember correctly, my earliest ambition was to be a veterinarian. I've always loved dogs and other animals and I hoped to have a career where I could be in constant contact with them. In 6th grade I decided that I would become a journalist. I was writing quite a bit at that time and had dreams of free-lance contributions to prestigious publications. By the time I was 14, I had developed an interest in television and travel, and thought that I might go into the field of advertising. But at 16 I entered our family counseling sessions with a psychologist and was terrifically impressed with the way she interacted with us. I decided that some form of psychology was the career for me and have never doubted my choice.
My parents have always emphasized to me the importance of being happy with the life style that I choose to adopt. They've said that money is important, but only in terms of the security it provides for you in time of need and for the additional pleasures in life that it allows you to enjoy. I believe that this approach is very sensible. If I found 2 million dollars in my mailbox tomorrow, I wouldn't argue about it, but I'm under no illusions about money bringing happiness. It just ain't so.
**************************
I believe that homosexuality is an illness and as such should not be punishable under law. I disagree with Gay Liberation's contention that it is "normal" sexual behavior, but if a man or woman is unable to change their sexual orientation (or does not desire to) then he/she should be allowed to pursue their own interests, provided of course that they use discretion. I'm not about to advocate legislation of what people should or should not do in their own homes.
It's interesting to read this today to see where I started from...
***************************
Don and I first met in Yearbook class when I was a junior and he a senior, and it was entirely a matter of fate. I had signed up for yearbook the year before, but so did quite a number of other kids and in this case being selected was entirely up to chance. The selection process was simple: as the sophomores on the list were, for the most part, unknown to the editor, he would pick them in almost a random fashion. When I received my letter of acceptance (I should've only known that the author of the letter was to be my future husband!), I had no idea how close I had come to actually being rejected. Don later told me that the first time he had gone through the list, he had skipped my name, "Sonia Plaine", because it sounded too weird, but the second time around he decided that it was "interesting".
The first time I recall noticing Don was when I inquired about the possibility of a ride with him to the first Saturday meeting of the Northwest Tutorial Alliance at JHU. I had originally asked the head of the tutorial project if he knew of anyone who could give me a lift and he told me that Don was driving that day. He pointed him out to me in the crowded room and over I went. I gave Don my address and was surprised that he knew where it was, not being aware at the time that he lived in the same general vicinity as me.
***************************
In light of Don's family situation, it's not difficult to see the origins of many of his problems. And one might notice a similarity between the relationship between Don and his mother, and that of my father and his mother. I wondered if I was adding substance to the idea that girls tend to marry men like their fathers.
I've realized, though, that certain problems in life are here to stay and one just has to face that fact. Hard work doesn't always have its just rewards and wishing doesn't make it so, either. I'm trying to cope and have found that the "Serenity Prayer" of Alcoholics Anonymous pretty much sums up where I'm at:
"God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference."
***************************
I have a lot of faith in my powers of intuition. I believe that my thinking is above average in originality, imaginative resources and creative ability, but not superior in any way.
I don't believe that I've utilized my intellectual capacities as much as I'm capable of doing in relation to work and school activities. Maybe my drive to excel should be stronger. I believe that I study well but perhaps I should put more effort into it and not be satisfied with a B when I think I'm capable of getting an A.
I'm interested in a number of different fields but I haven't really engaged actively in them. I mostly learn through reading and discussion. I don't know whether or not I prefer a reasonable amount of knowledge of many things or a highly specialized knowledge of a single field. I think it's important to have both.
****************************
When I was about 14, I decided that I was wasting too much time regretting actions or events that had already past, so I devised my own little rule, "Never say, 'If only...'" and I've attempted to follow it. When something's done, it's DONE and the best thing to do is just to try and avoid making the same mistake again. In other words, "no regrets".
****************************
I don't normally go around ASKING for praise or approval but I think that I need a fairly large amount of it to compensate for my insecurity and fear of criticism. I used to think that I was a failure if everyone didn't approve of me, but I think that I'm past that stage now. oO course I like others to think well of me, but unless they're people whom I truly respect, I can live without their approval. I know that by my 20th year I should have a pretty fair idea of what I'm good at, but there are times when having someone tell me that I'm good makes it more believable.
The primary virtues that I demand of myself are patience, persistence, unselfishness and promptness. I like other people to have a basic sense of integrity and to be unselfish, prompt and honest.
******************************
I learned, in this project, that I am a product of many influences, several of which I had not considered previously. I've become more aware of my potential for achievement in terms of intellectual capabilites and I'm determined now to take positive steps in that direction. I've seen that I must battle the negative influences of my over-sensitivity and tendency toward over-anxiousness so that I won't be forced backwards into a self-consious passivity. I've also recognized that cause and effect is not always a simple one-to-one relationship; the number of variable makes for a complex but interesting analysis.
Monday, December 24, 2012
1982 -- January
January 1st
This feels weird. I mean, how many times in the course of growing up have I started out a new year in a diary. I'm not sure if I really want to keep this up, but right now it seems nice. Just got a little insight I wanted to put down before I forget. It occurred to me that tomorrow, a year ago, we set off for our sailing trip in the Bahamas. It seems like yesterday. Anyway, that reminded me of Don's mention of his enrolling in the New York sailing School and/or scuba diving and my reaction to that -- which was negative. I just realized why. Part of me want to do those very same things, but I'm not ready yet. And I'm afraid of being left behind. I won't stop Don, but I wish he would have waited for me. It would be nicer all around.
January 2nd
"Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose."
How true. Things ARE changing, and it's obvious, but somehow still the same. Don and I have a much better dialogue going -- he's able to listen more openly and I'm willing to share more when I feeling tentative or vulnerable. but it's important to remember/realize/accept that he'll always be basically Don and I'll always be basically me. However, even just verbalizing my new understanding of the effect of his input ("staking a claim on MY initiative") has been very helpful. I can see what I'm doing, AND act on it AND tell him about it at the same time. Feels good.
Speaking of MY initiative, I'm determined to land a contract to pay for a vacation. Whether Don suggests it, demands it, or ignores it. How about that?
January 3rd
I'm sitting here at Peter and Anita's. The guys are in the kitchen cooking and the smell of garlic and ginger is in the air. The warmth of the wood stove fills the room, along with the strains of Pachelbel. It's a good feeling, this being with friends in such a homey, comfortable setting, as the rain beats softly against the window...
January 4th
Forgot to put down my New Year's "Desires":
- keep more up-to-date on cards, letters and local "catch-up" calls
- schedule one "new" activity a month with Don; alternate responsibility
- schedule more social activities ahead of time
- experiment with cookbooks; try for 1 new dish a week
- concretize more personal objectives -- use them to keep up spirits and energy level
I still don't knw why I'm writing in this book. I like the idea of preserving a "snapshot of the mind" for the future; maybe that's why I find the idea of collecting old diaries and letters (antiques) so attractive. On another tack: I'd like to get better at understanding and implementing the concept of balancing being good to myself and hard on myself; when to pamper and when to pressure. I'm not really satisfied with the quantity or quality of either. And I know that they're both important. Don seems to have the same problem. My short bath this afternoon served to freshen me up and make me feel better. I don't like the fact that I feel guilty about it. Is the concept of "earned" always valid?
My side still hurts and it's been 5 days of discomfort. Why are so few things straightforward?
January 5th
Started my new cold-call program today and it felt great. New system, quotas, motivation and enthusiasm. Forcing myself to do it is as hard as it ever was, but my new goal sign says: ONE CONTRACT = ONE VACATION and it's making a difference. Also, talking to Maria Czin was helpful. Hearing how other people bounce back from constant rejection is good for me...Wish I didn't get so hungry...Side pain seems to have stopped. I wish I wish I wish...
January 5th
A day of frustration with the business calls. Combine that with a cloudy, cold day and you have an unhappy Sunny. At least I made the number of calls I set out to make, plus additional ones. But nothing happened. Oh well. Start over tomorrow.
January 13th
First big snowstorm of the season. They're predicitng 6 - 10". So far it's light and dry, which is nice, considering it's still coming down hard, and we're planning to go skiing in a little while at the golf course with the Levinsons...Didn't get a chance on here yet to mention about Dad getting his voice back. When Mom put him on the phone, I almost cried. I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear it again. His foot pain is still bad from the circulation problem, and it makes it hard for him to walk, which he should be doing. I have to be careful that my hopes don't get ahead of me again.
Had a lot of problems with the heat today. Don had a couple of outbursts in connection with that, and although he still directs too much at me, his recovery time is quicker than it used to be. What I need to do is not match him reaction for reaction, but it's hard to think when he's screaming at me. And I don't want to get over-stressed, just in case...you know...Went to Honey's for lunch. It's her birthday and that SOB, Nate, hasn't even wished her a happy one yet. I don't like standing by and witnessing another Anne-Marie/Bill, but there's not a helluva lot I can do. Damn...
January 15th
Felt as good today as I felt poorly yesterday. It was nice being so "up" but I honestly wonder how much of my rebound had to do with the weather. There seems to be quite a correlation between how I feel and whether the sun is in or out. Hmmnn...
I found out in later years that I definitely suffer from S.A.D. There's been a huge difference in the consistency of my moods since we moved to Arizona.
I swore to myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up to fever pitch the way I did several years ago, but I've gone and done it. I want to be pregnant SO badly.
January 19th
Well, I'm not pregnant and I really crashed. Don wasn't much of a help, being that it kicked off his "you're a failure and I resent you" tape. He would've kept it pretty much to himself, but I was feeling so alone that I reached out and "asked for it". Whatever other feelings he has, I'm finding it very hard to tolerate the way he refers to our future baby (when he refers to it at all). He does it mostly in terms of himself and rarely does he seem to have an "us" mentality. He claims this is because of his feelings about my lack of success, but I find that attitude, in connection with trying for, carrying and delivering a child, unacceptable. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor in the difficulty we're having.
Clearly we were supposed to have had Lauren and AJ a few years later, as we did. Don continued to behave like a narcissist, but he turned out to be as responsible and committed a father as he was capable of being.
Otherwise I feel OK; non-stressed in general, altho frustrated at having another month go by. Especially since Ilene just delivered hers. That bitch. I probably wouldn't mind her son so much if I were pregnant. I wish Don would stop judging me in connection with the pregnancy, like he does everything else. When he does that, we can't share our feelings about it. If we can't support each other in times of disappointment and sadness, then the good times don't mean as much. At least to me.
January 21st
I think it's important to write in here when I feel good, as well as when I feel bad. And today I feel good! The ASTD meeting was great -- professionally planned and executed, with very nice people. I made contacts, and actually got an appointment, but most importantly, I felt myself to be in a peer group for the very first time. I didn't feel young, shy or inexperienced. Just relaxed and competent...When i got home, Eby and Van Delft called to confirm their speaking engagements, and those 2, plus the Bloomingdale's offer, make 3 for this week! Filling my calendar sure helps to offset the baby disappointment...I'm carrying through one of my New Year's Desires tonight -- the one about planning 1 new activity a month. We're going to see the ice Capades! Really, the busier I am (up to a point), the better I feel...The book proposal is just about ready to go. I feel great about what I've developed...
Wow -- so I started with the book in 1982! It was published in 1989 so I truly spent years on it, from the concept, to finding Roberta, to getting the contract, to writing it. I'm very proud of myself!
I can't believe how much it's snowed this week. I like the snow but I can do without driving around in it...Talked to the folks last night. Dad sounds so different these days -- so laid back and relaxed. I had this really weird thought that maybe all of this is God's way of resolving that impossible situation at the store between him and Jeff. They probably could never have worked anything out with both of them there. Now it's Jeff's store and Dad seems content to sit at home and read. Maybe this is the only way he ever could have adjusted to retirement.
Well, it certainly WAS God's way of resolving the problem. I didn't understand then that my "really weird thought" was actually the way things work. Of course, Dad went on to recover and travel and do important volunteer work and that was all part of the plan, too.
Barbara's decision to get married in Chicago has been bothering me alot. I won't get involved, but it makes me sad to watch. Bunny meant so well and look what she did to her kids. Sometimes I worry that Don will be like her -- demanding in a covert way. What a dangerous thing to do to a child. So far I just can't picture Don as a laid-back father. he doesn't realize it, but he reminds me of Aunt Marilyn and everyone knows how Sally and Richard turned out.
January 23rd
Boy, Don sure turns on and off quickly these days. Yesterday morning he was carrying on about what I owed him and how I was going to have to pay for any individual expenses that I incurred. He was totally belligerent and impossible to talk to. So I was really surprised when I talked to him later and he apologized for acting that way. Today I found out that he has another outbreak, so that may have something to do with his turn-around. Obviously, any kind of stress these days sets him off, so maybe he's trying to keep a lid on it. It gets so aggravating for me, though, having him be angry and demanding one minute and loving and affectionate the next. Especially as it pertains to our financial situation, I really do want to "pull my own weight", but not because he suddenly decides to feel put out or taken advantage of. I simply want to earn what I'm worth and contribute to our mutual well-being. Because it's so slow in coming, Don feels jerked around and I can understand that. There must be a way of dealing with it though without him constantly swinging to extremes. It's making me dizzy.
January 25th
This baby business is really getting tough, especially with Elaine maybe being pregnant. I have to remember that I'm in control and that it's only awful if I make it awful. I have to keep concentrating on the good stuff and enjoy what Don and I share now, instead of living in the future. And I have to keep reminding Don of these things. We can't be getting depressed over what we can't control. It's even more of a problem because of Don's herpes outbreaks. We're really going to screw things up if we get down on ourselves or each other. I hope he realizes this...Skating was fun last night. I did pretty well and felt good about doing something different, physical and challenging.
January 27th
Pretty good day. Our original "anniversary" as a matter of fact. 14 years.
Interesting -- it's now 14 years that Roy and I have been together and the difference in happiness at this point is staggering. Don and I were in each other's lives for several reasons, but happiness was apparently not one of them. *sigh*
I gave a talk to a bunch of older men in a business group that HWC belongs to, down in Hudson county. Don came and it was really nice having him share it. It was a freebie and no business came out of it, but it was an enjoyable experience to be able to talk to a group like that and not feel terrified. I really do think I keep getting better. Hope this relatively calm period hangs in for a bit. It's nice not being so tense.
January 28th
God I'm frustrated. Don and I had a nice dinner at our little Indian restaurant and it was delicious, but none of my calls went through today and Gail called to tell me about this new job she was offered. I don't like feeling jealous of Gail or of Elaine, and I certainly am aware of all my blessings, but sometimes -- shit.
January 29th
Last night when he came to bed, I heard Don tell me (through a fog of sleep) how important I was to him, and that when the other things in his life weren't working out, at least he had me. Do you know how long I've waited to hear that? What a wonderful feeling.
January 31st
Just spoke to Dad on the phone. He read me a toast he had written for the Levine's 25th anniversary party and it was really beautiful. I had tears in my eyes, and I don't even LIKE the Levines. Stuff like that tends to get me going again about him, but I didn't let it this time. Still, it hurts to hear him talk about the fact that he may never walk comfortably again, and how he's even starting to miss going down the store. I do love him so much.
This feels weird. I mean, how many times in the course of growing up have I started out a new year in a diary. I'm not sure if I really want to keep this up, but right now it seems nice. Just got a little insight I wanted to put down before I forget. It occurred to me that tomorrow, a year ago, we set off for our sailing trip in the Bahamas. It seems like yesterday. Anyway, that reminded me of Don's mention of his enrolling in the New York sailing School and/or scuba diving and my reaction to that -- which was negative. I just realized why. Part of me want to do those very same things, but I'm not ready yet. And I'm afraid of being left behind. I won't stop Don, but I wish he would have waited for me. It would be nicer all around.
January 2nd
"Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose."
How true. Things ARE changing, and it's obvious, but somehow still the same. Don and I have a much better dialogue going -- he's able to listen more openly and I'm willing to share more when I feeling tentative or vulnerable. but it's important to remember/realize/accept that he'll always be basically Don and I'll always be basically me. However, even just verbalizing my new understanding of the effect of his input ("staking a claim on MY initiative") has been very helpful. I can see what I'm doing, AND act on it AND tell him about it at the same time. Feels good.
Speaking of MY initiative, I'm determined to land a contract to pay for a vacation. Whether Don suggests it, demands it, or ignores it. How about that?
January 3rd
I'm sitting here at Peter and Anita's. The guys are in the kitchen cooking and the smell of garlic and ginger is in the air. The warmth of the wood stove fills the room, along with the strains of Pachelbel. It's a good feeling, this being with friends in such a homey, comfortable setting, as the rain beats softly against the window...
January 4th
Forgot to put down my New Year's "Desires":
- keep more up-to-date on cards, letters and local "catch-up" calls
- schedule one "new" activity a month with Don; alternate responsibility
- schedule more social activities ahead of time
- experiment with cookbooks; try for 1 new dish a week
- concretize more personal objectives -- use them to keep up spirits and energy level
I still don't knw why I'm writing in this book. I like the idea of preserving a "snapshot of the mind" for the future; maybe that's why I find the idea of collecting old diaries and letters (antiques) so attractive. On another tack: I'd like to get better at understanding and implementing the concept of balancing being good to myself and hard on myself; when to pamper and when to pressure. I'm not really satisfied with the quantity or quality of either. And I know that they're both important. Don seems to have the same problem. My short bath this afternoon served to freshen me up and make me feel better. I don't like the fact that I feel guilty about it. Is the concept of "earned" always valid?
My side still hurts and it's been 5 days of discomfort. Why are so few things straightforward?
January 5th
Started my new cold-call program today and it felt great. New system, quotas, motivation and enthusiasm. Forcing myself to do it is as hard as it ever was, but my new goal sign says: ONE CONTRACT = ONE VACATION and it's making a difference. Also, talking to Maria Czin was helpful. Hearing how other people bounce back from constant rejection is good for me...Wish I didn't get so hungry...Side pain seems to have stopped. I wish I wish I wish...
January 5th
A day of frustration with the business calls. Combine that with a cloudy, cold day and you have an unhappy Sunny. At least I made the number of calls I set out to make, plus additional ones. But nothing happened. Oh well. Start over tomorrow.
January 13th
First big snowstorm of the season. They're predicitng 6 - 10". So far it's light and dry, which is nice, considering it's still coming down hard, and we're planning to go skiing in a little while at the golf course with the Levinsons...Didn't get a chance on here yet to mention about Dad getting his voice back. When Mom put him on the phone, I almost cried. I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear it again. His foot pain is still bad from the circulation problem, and it makes it hard for him to walk, which he should be doing. I have to be careful that my hopes don't get ahead of me again.
Had a lot of problems with the heat today. Don had a couple of outbursts in connection with that, and although he still directs too much at me, his recovery time is quicker than it used to be. What I need to do is not match him reaction for reaction, but it's hard to think when he's screaming at me. And I don't want to get over-stressed, just in case...you know...Went to Honey's for lunch. It's her birthday and that SOB, Nate, hasn't even wished her a happy one yet. I don't like standing by and witnessing another Anne-Marie/Bill, but there's not a helluva lot I can do. Damn...
January 15th
Felt as good today as I felt poorly yesterday. It was nice being so "up" but I honestly wonder how much of my rebound had to do with the weather. There seems to be quite a correlation between how I feel and whether the sun is in or out. Hmmnn...
I found out in later years that I definitely suffer from S.A.D. There's been a huge difference in the consistency of my moods since we moved to Arizona.
I swore to myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up to fever pitch the way I did several years ago, but I've gone and done it. I want to be pregnant SO badly.
January 19th
Well, I'm not pregnant and I really crashed. Don wasn't much of a help, being that it kicked off his "you're a failure and I resent you" tape. He would've kept it pretty much to himself, but I was feeling so alone that I reached out and "asked for it". Whatever other feelings he has, I'm finding it very hard to tolerate the way he refers to our future baby (when he refers to it at all). He does it mostly in terms of himself and rarely does he seem to have an "us" mentality. He claims this is because of his feelings about my lack of success, but I find that attitude, in connection with trying for, carrying and delivering a child, unacceptable. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor in the difficulty we're having.
Clearly we were supposed to have had Lauren and AJ a few years later, as we did. Don continued to behave like a narcissist, but he turned out to be as responsible and committed a father as he was capable of being.
Otherwise I feel OK; non-stressed in general, altho frustrated at having another month go by. Especially since Ilene just delivered hers. That bitch. I probably wouldn't mind her son so much if I were pregnant. I wish Don would stop judging me in connection with the pregnancy, like he does everything else. When he does that, we can't share our feelings about it. If we can't support each other in times of disappointment and sadness, then the good times don't mean as much. At least to me.
January 21st
I think it's important to write in here when I feel good, as well as when I feel bad. And today I feel good! The ASTD meeting was great -- professionally planned and executed, with very nice people. I made contacts, and actually got an appointment, but most importantly, I felt myself to be in a peer group for the very first time. I didn't feel young, shy or inexperienced. Just relaxed and competent...When i got home, Eby and Van Delft called to confirm their speaking engagements, and those 2, plus the Bloomingdale's offer, make 3 for this week! Filling my calendar sure helps to offset the baby disappointment...I'm carrying through one of my New Year's Desires tonight -- the one about planning 1 new activity a month. We're going to see the ice Capades! Really, the busier I am (up to a point), the better I feel...The book proposal is just about ready to go. I feel great about what I've developed...
Wow -- so I started with the book in 1982! It was published in 1989 so I truly spent years on it, from the concept, to finding Roberta, to getting the contract, to writing it. I'm very proud of myself!
I can't believe how much it's snowed this week. I like the snow but I can do without driving around in it...Talked to the folks last night. Dad sounds so different these days -- so laid back and relaxed. I had this really weird thought that maybe all of this is God's way of resolving that impossible situation at the store between him and Jeff. They probably could never have worked anything out with both of them there. Now it's Jeff's store and Dad seems content to sit at home and read. Maybe this is the only way he ever could have adjusted to retirement.
Well, it certainly WAS God's way of resolving the problem. I didn't understand then that my "really weird thought" was actually the way things work. Of course, Dad went on to recover and travel and do important volunteer work and that was all part of the plan, too.
Barbara's decision to get married in Chicago has been bothering me alot. I won't get involved, but it makes me sad to watch. Bunny meant so well and look what she did to her kids. Sometimes I worry that Don will be like her -- demanding in a covert way. What a dangerous thing to do to a child. So far I just can't picture Don as a laid-back father. he doesn't realize it, but he reminds me of Aunt Marilyn and everyone knows how Sally and Richard turned out.
January 23rd
Boy, Don sure turns on and off quickly these days. Yesterday morning he was carrying on about what I owed him and how I was going to have to pay for any individual expenses that I incurred. He was totally belligerent and impossible to talk to. So I was really surprised when I talked to him later and he apologized for acting that way. Today I found out that he has another outbreak, so that may have something to do with his turn-around. Obviously, any kind of stress these days sets him off, so maybe he's trying to keep a lid on it. It gets so aggravating for me, though, having him be angry and demanding one minute and loving and affectionate the next. Especially as it pertains to our financial situation, I really do want to "pull my own weight", but not because he suddenly decides to feel put out or taken advantage of. I simply want to earn what I'm worth and contribute to our mutual well-being. Because it's so slow in coming, Don feels jerked around and I can understand that. There must be a way of dealing with it though without him constantly swinging to extremes. It's making me dizzy.
January 25th
This baby business is really getting tough, especially with Elaine maybe being pregnant. I have to remember that I'm in control and that it's only awful if I make it awful. I have to keep concentrating on the good stuff and enjoy what Don and I share now, instead of living in the future. And I have to keep reminding Don of these things. We can't be getting depressed over what we can't control. It's even more of a problem because of Don's herpes outbreaks. We're really going to screw things up if we get down on ourselves or each other. I hope he realizes this...Skating was fun last night. I did pretty well and felt good about doing something different, physical and challenging.
January 27th
Pretty good day. Our original "anniversary" as a matter of fact. 14 years.
Interesting -- it's now 14 years that Roy and I have been together and the difference in happiness at this point is staggering. Don and I were in each other's lives for several reasons, but happiness was apparently not one of them. *sigh*
I gave a talk to a bunch of older men in a business group that HWC belongs to, down in Hudson county. Don came and it was really nice having him share it. It was a freebie and no business came out of it, but it was an enjoyable experience to be able to talk to a group like that and not feel terrified. I really do think I keep getting better. Hope this relatively calm period hangs in for a bit. It's nice not being so tense.
January 28th
God I'm frustrated. Don and I had a nice dinner at our little Indian restaurant and it was delicious, but none of my calls went through today and Gail called to tell me about this new job she was offered. I don't like feeling jealous of Gail or of Elaine, and I certainly am aware of all my blessings, but sometimes -- shit.
January 29th
Last night when he came to bed, I heard Don tell me (through a fog of sleep) how important I was to him, and that when the other things in his life weren't working out, at least he had me. Do you know how long I've waited to hear that? What a wonderful feeling.
January 31st
Just spoke to Dad on the phone. He read me a toast he had written for the Levine's 25th anniversary party and it was really beautiful. I had tears in my eyes, and I don't even LIKE the Levines. Stuff like that tends to get me going again about him, but I didn't let it this time. Still, it hurts to hear him talk about the fact that he may never walk comfortably again, and how he's even starting to miss going down the store. I do love him so much.
1981 -- December
Dcember 28th
It's really frustrating to put out so much effort and have so little to show for it. Maybe it's this way with a lot of people, but I really can't see it. Don's impatience makes it harder, even though he's right in many ways. I wish I knew the answers that would make things work, in terms of my career, but they're so slow in coming. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I don't want Don to "subsidize a loss" but how do I distinguish between slow growth and a no-win situation? He claims that I'm not making money because I'm not cut out for this, but how do I know if he's right? And does it matter if he's right or wrong?
The only sensible thing to do seems to be to pursue all options at once and see what develops. I do have a goa l of "making it" with something. OS would be nice but may not be possible. I'm still not sur,. but at least by investigating other opportunities, I'll know what the whole picture looks like rather than only one piece. I'll start to arrange some informational interviews to see how marketable I am, while still trying to sell my consulting package. T'would be nice to have my fairy godmother show up, but I'm more of a realist these days. I've gotta slug this one out myself.
December 31st
Saw Mrs. Diamant this morning [my therapist]. What a help. I'm beginning to understand an operative I've had as long as I can remember: when I choose to initiate something, anything, I can usually do a bang-up job. But if someone else tells me to do that very same thing, I find myself resistant, pressured or angry. With the business and Don, it's real apparent. It's like, if he puts his 2 cents in, it's all suddenly not MINE anymore. I don't really understand the origins of this, but it seems to have carried through. I may also be holding myself back at times out of a fear of becoming successful and independent. When I think of being independent, it sounds very attractive, but Mrs. Diamant believes that I'm afraid that I'll lose something or someone if I do; that as much as Don and Dad say that they would welcome my equaling or surpassing them -- there's something else going on. All I'm conscious of is the worry that Don will always be looking beyond where we are/he is, and therefore the pressure will never let up.
My parents are more at peace now than they've ever been, and although they're basically on a maintenance routine and not living the lifestyle that we would in their shoes, they're happy in their own way. Especially under the circumstances [after my dad's heart attack]. They can appreciate each other as never before and for them, that's enough. But Don still feels uncomfortable when he looks at them -- which is actually a statement about Don and not them. At least Diamant has helped me to see that much. What I have to do is concentrate on my own definition of me. I'm looking forward to a 1982 that will bring good things to everyone. And I'm going to MAKE 1982, a special, successful year for me.
It's really frustrating to put out so much effort and have so little to show for it. Maybe it's this way with a lot of people, but I really can't see it. Don's impatience makes it harder, even though he's right in many ways. I wish I knew the answers that would make things work, in terms of my career, but they're so slow in coming. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles. I don't want Don to "subsidize a loss" but how do I distinguish between slow growth and a no-win situation? He claims that I'm not making money because I'm not cut out for this, but how do I know if he's right? And does it matter if he's right or wrong?
The only sensible thing to do seems to be to pursue all options at once and see what develops. I do have a goa l of "making it" with something. OS would be nice but may not be possible. I'm still not sur,. but at least by investigating other opportunities, I'll know what the whole picture looks like rather than only one piece. I'll start to arrange some informational interviews to see how marketable I am, while still trying to sell my consulting package. T'would be nice to have my fairy godmother show up, but I'm more of a realist these days. I've gotta slug this one out myself.
December 31st
Saw Mrs. Diamant this morning [my therapist]. What a help. I'm beginning to understand an operative I've had as long as I can remember: when I choose to initiate something, anything, I can usually do a bang-up job. But if someone else tells me to do that very same thing, I find myself resistant, pressured or angry. With the business and Don, it's real apparent. It's like, if he puts his 2 cents in, it's all suddenly not MINE anymore. I don't really understand the origins of this, but it seems to have carried through. I may also be holding myself back at times out of a fear of becoming successful and independent. When I think of being independent, it sounds very attractive, but Mrs. Diamant believes that I'm afraid that I'll lose something or someone if I do; that as much as Don and Dad say that they would welcome my equaling or surpassing them -- there's something else going on. All I'm conscious of is the worry that Don will always be looking beyond where we are/he is, and therefore the pressure will never let up.
My parents are more at peace now than they've ever been, and although they're basically on a maintenance routine and not living the lifestyle that we would in their shoes, they're happy in their own way. Especially under the circumstances [after my dad's heart attack]. They can appreciate each other as never before and for them, that's enough. But Don still feels uncomfortable when he looks at them -- which is actually a statement about Don and not them. At least Diamant has helped me to see that much. What I have to do is concentrate on my own definition of me. I'm looking forward to a 1982 that will bring good things to everyone. And I'm going to MAKE 1982, a special, successful year for me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
1976 -- December
December 1st
Well, hello again! It's taken me a whole month, but I think I'm now ready to begin writing again. Since last May, my real interest in keeping a diary has been to have a record of my pregnancy. But with Strum's insistence that I stay on these meds for at least another month, that goal can't be reached until the new year sometime. However, with such a short time left to go in this book, I might as well round it out...Well, my depression lifted while I was staying with the folks in Balto and in that respect I'm feeling pretty good. But since I'm now unemployed, I'm spending most of my new-found energy on errand-running. That's OK for now, but I have a feeling that pretty soon my mind's gonna start demanding full-time stimulation...Don's in D.C. 'til Friday. "Airhead" Berg has been impossible to get hold of thus far; I wanted to have her over for dinner. Dang her sometimes.
December 2nd
Hullo. I'm too doggone lazy to go into the living room for my pen, so you'll just have to put up with pencil. Let's see...Today was pretty much average -- I got a fair amount accomplished, although they were mostly diddly-shit things. I'm really ambivalent about this medication -- I enjoy the extra energy and feeling of well-being, but I'm wondering what the "real" me is like these days. And I'm also frustrated with having to put the baby off again. We'll just have to see how things go, I guess... It snowed on and off today, so I didn't get to do any more shopping. Those crowds are incredible and I have a number of things to get yet. Oy vey.
It was a HUGE transition from Carolina when it came time for Christmas shopping. We were on the "back road" for traveling to and from the Garden State Plaza, so we actually had THREE rush hours, including when the mall stores closed. And Paramus, as a whole, is a shopping capital for both NJ and NY.
Alyce told me that that church proposal for down the street was approved. Hope they don't over-run "our" park.
December 3rd
Don's home and it really is nice. I felt OK about his going this time and got along pretty well, but you do miss having someone to share things with and to hold. You know, we really are growing up...Had my dentist appt this morning and I enjoyed it! Dr. Harvey and his hygenist are very professional, yet friendly, and the combination makes for a comfortable atmosphere...Next stop was Paramus Park, and I managed to get there early enough to beat out the crowds. Bought all my gifts for Don except one, and boy does that feel good. I'm learning how to shop by myself, too. I miss not having company, but it doesn't get in the way of my going out. I don't know whether it's the medication or not, but I sure was up for a party this evening. I felt like dancing, drinking and flirting.
December 4th
Tonight was really nice. Around 8 we decided to smoke a little and got pleasantly high. We really got into the Saturday night sitcoms and laughed ourselves silly. Then came the munchies, the only part that I regret, 'cause I polished off a bowl of popcorn, a dish of icemilk and a mixture of peanuts and raisins. We followed up with a few games of backgammon and then I hit the sack...Unfortunately, the afternoon wasn't so enjoyable. We watched the Colts-Cardinals game and saw us outplayed by a long-shot. Hope we were just taking it easy or something. You know, I sure do like football; I passed up the "Christmastime Hollywood Parade of Stars" to watch the game!...Worked on Christmas cards today, too. I'm really getting into it this year, maybe 'cause I have more time and I started earlier.
December 5th
You'll never believe what just happened. When we were in Baltimore in August, I read a Sunpapers interview with Jay Cohen about a film on Greenwich village that he had produced. Today, while reading the Sunday lineup in Cue, I noticed that Channel 31 was showing the film at 5:30. I watched it, and an interview with Jay, and I was so impressed that I called the station and left a note for him, with our phone number. Well, it's 9:00 now, and the folks just phoned to say that Minnie had called them to say that Jay had called her AT THE PIMLICO, to tell her about my note! Can you beat that! Little Jay Cohen -- I knew him when!
And that was only the early part of Jay's career! He went on to be Stage Manager on Broadway for "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas", a member of the Film Board in Maryland, and he even painted a portrait for Bill Clinton! Awesome family member (my Dad's second-cousin) and neighbor!
Otherwise it was kind of a lackluster Sunday. My back is really beginning to bother me. Maybe the Endep isn't doing it's job too well, 'cause I'm also starting to worry about getting bored.
Well, hello again! It's taken me a whole month, but I think I'm now ready to begin writing again. Since last May, my real interest in keeping a diary has been to have a record of my pregnancy. But with Strum's insistence that I stay on these meds for at least another month, that goal can't be reached until the new year sometime. However, with such a short time left to go in this book, I might as well round it out...Well, my depression lifted while I was staying with the folks in Balto and in that respect I'm feeling pretty good. But since I'm now unemployed, I'm spending most of my new-found energy on errand-running. That's OK for now, but I have a feeling that pretty soon my mind's gonna start demanding full-time stimulation...Don's in D.C. 'til Friday. "Airhead" Berg has been impossible to get hold of thus far; I wanted to have her over for dinner. Dang her sometimes.
December 2nd
Hullo. I'm too doggone lazy to go into the living room for my pen, so you'll just have to put up with pencil. Let's see...Today was pretty much average -- I got a fair amount accomplished, although they were mostly diddly-shit things. I'm really ambivalent about this medication -- I enjoy the extra energy and feeling of well-being, but I'm wondering what the "real" me is like these days. And I'm also frustrated with having to put the baby off again. We'll just have to see how things go, I guess... It snowed on and off today, so I didn't get to do any more shopping. Those crowds are incredible and I have a number of things to get yet. Oy vey.
It was a HUGE transition from Carolina when it came time for Christmas shopping. We were on the "back road" for traveling to and from the Garden State Plaza, so we actually had THREE rush hours, including when the mall stores closed. And Paramus, as a whole, is a shopping capital for both NJ and NY.
Alyce told me that that church proposal for down the street was approved. Hope they don't over-run "our" park.
December 3rd
Don's home and it really is nice. I felt OK about his going this time and got along pretty well, but you do miss having someone to share things with and to hold. You know, we really are growing up...Had my dentist appt this morning and I enjoyed it! Dr. Harvey and his hygenist are very professional, yet friendly, and the combination makes for a comfortable atmosphere...Next stop was Paramus Park, and I managed to get there early enough to beat out the crowds. Bought all my gifts for Don except one, and boy does that feel good. I'm learning how to shop by myself, too. I miss not having company, but it doesn't get in the way of my going out. I don't know whether it's the medication or not, but I sure was up for a party this evening. I felt like dancing, drinking and flirting.
December 4th
Tonight was really nice. Around 8 we decided to smoke a little and got pleasantly high. We really got into the Saturday night sitcoms and laughed ourselves silly. Then came the munchies, the only part that I regret, 'cause I polished off a bowl of popcorn, a dish of icemilk and a mixture of peanuts and raisins. We followed up with a few games of backgammon and then I hit the sack...Unfortunately, the afternoon wasn't so enjoyable. We watched the Colts-Cardinals game and saw us outplayed by a long-shot. Hope we were just taking it easy or something. You know, I sure do like football; I passed up the "Christmastime Hollywood Parade of Stars" to watch the game!...Worked on Christmas cards today, too. I'm really getting into it this year, maybe 'cause I have more time and I started earlier.
December 5th
You'll never believe what just happened. When we were in Baltimore in August, I read a Sunpapers interview with Jay Cohen about a film on Greenwich village that he had produced. Today, while reading the Sunday lineup in Cue, I noticed that Channel 31 was showing the film at 5:30. I watched it, and an interview with Jay, and I was so impressed that I called the station and left a note for him, with our phone number. Well, it's 9:00 now, and the folks just phoned to say that Minnie had called them to say that Jay had called her AT THE PIMLICO, to tell her about my note! Can you beat that! Little Jay Cohen -- I knew him when!
And that was only the early part of Jay's career! He went on to be Stage Manager on Broadway for "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas", a member of the Film Board in Maryland, and he even painted a portrait for Bill Clinton! Awesome family member (my Dad's second-cousin) and neighbor!
Otherwise it was kind of a lackluster Sunday. My back is really beginning to bother me. Maybe the Endep isn't doing it's job too well, 'cause I'm also starting to worry about getting bored.
1976 -- October
October 1st
Just saw a real cute movie, "Paper Moon" on TV. It was a good nite to see it, since Don's out at the company banquet and I would have been depressed otherwise. He looked terrific in his new suit. I'm looking forward to feeling better and getting myself some new duds.
Borrowed the August issue of "Seventeen" from work, and though just about everything in it has changed, it still brings back memories. As I was telling Don, however, high school is beginning to seem as far away as Campfield and ol' Forest Garbage. I wonder why my memories appear to be som much more vivid in the fall than at any other time...My neck still bothered me more than usual today, and the therapist attributed it to the weather. Great, just what I wanted to be -- a barometer. I need to get started on that oil research in earnest. I'm beginning to feel guilty.
October 2nd
We just spent an interesting evening at Barbara's place, way out in Wanaque. And once again, the word is "strange". The house, itself, is kinda neat, all set back like it is in the woods. I especially like the garden, the quiet and the little puppies romping about. And of course, watching the fire glow in the darkness while listening to John Denver was just fantastic. But I don't know how she can live with those weirdos. I'm not sure that Barb knows, herself, and it will probably take some time before she decides if her "cabin in the wilderness" is worth all the mishegoss...Went shopping at Bloomingdale's this morning. That place is beautiful, but depressing. So many, many things that we'd like to have...Right now we just discovered that the heat seems to be busted and Don's fit to be tied.
October 3rd
Another day of crappo weather (4th in a row). On top of that it was freezing in here, so I didn't do all that much, 'cept curl up with a few old magazines. Don was cranky, with good reason I guess, but it seems inevitable that he gets this way when he's forced to spend too much time indoors. Pete saved the day by inviting us to dinner; I didn't feel like going out at first, but I'm glad he talked me into it. He made us Pina Coladas and 2 wok dishes and we both really unwound. Pete can be a real mensch when he wants to be. It was kind of weird, seeing John's old room again, but last June seems far away...Saw the rest of "Earthquake" -- dumb. "The Way We Were" was dumb, too, but oh, that Robert Redford.
October 4th
Today was Yom Kippur and it really felt odd not to be fasting. In fact, I went through a whole guilt trip, but decided that I'd better take the pills and therefore needed to eat. So, 2 years in a row the High Holidays kinda passed us by, and I regret it. I want it to be like in the old days again -- walking to B'Nai Jacob, our afternoon dinner with Nana and Papa after services, etc. Those were the days...The man came and fixed the oil burner. Thank goodness for that. Now what else will go wrong?..The volunteer stopped by this morning with one of her 3 year old twins in tow, to get briefed on the research. I could hardly concentrate, since the kid kept kicking one of the dining room chairs, but I think we've got it all set up...Talked to the folks -- Mom bought some jeans (!) and is giving me the blouse set to go with the black pants!..Dad's gonna be a lion tamer at the Chatham Club Circus party!
October 5th
It's that old "feeling strange" time again. Went to see the lawyer, Bert Siegel, today, and I feel as though we're entering the twilight zone. He believes that winning the case is a foregone conclusion -- it's just a matter of how much the payoff will be. Meanwhile, I have to see a neurologist to have my head examined (a 2 1/2 hour appt.!) Now that the pain seems to be increasing again, instead of decreasing, I'm getting into this state where I can't believe this is happening to me. It's so goddamn true that you take your health for granted...The only serious problem on the horizon right now appears to be the difficulty I'm having getting the research study done. But I'm now beginning to think about my job in larger terms, and the possibility of leaving mental health altogether for something like advertising or public relations. Surprised? More later.
October 6th
Well, I'm sitting here next to Floyd, my new, smiling, stuffed frog and thinking, "Oh shit". Don has been so wonderful that I feel guilty being depressed. Once again he went to cooking class for me, tried to get my prescription filled, and bought me Floyd and a giant lollipop...Went to the doctor's today. Saw Juliano 'cause Carrozza 'cause wasn't in. They took x-rays, prescribed Tylenol #3 and ordered 2 more weeks of PT, this time with wet heat. If that doesn't work, next comes traction... I have doctor's appointments coming out of my ears these days -- orthopedist, neurologist, dentist, optometrist. Jeesh...Barb ain't coming with us this weekend, but Rick S. is. He'll be arriving by bus from Boston Friday afternoon. Hope I make it through the trip down, ya know?
October 7th
Life certainly has its ups and downs, doesn't it? The end of August and the beginning of September was so nice, and now this. I'm beginning to think that maybe even $5000 won't cover it all. The pain was really bad today, the worst it's been so far. Alyce picked up my prescription for me and that helped somewhat, but I still couldn't get out of bed this morning, and therefore couldn't go to work. If it weren't for the market research and client questionnaire, I'd ask to be fired and collect unemployment right now, but I guess that'll have to wait. I'm just so fed up with the whole thing. I don't have the energy to see it all though, but somehow I've got to pull myself together enough with what's coming down the pike in the next 2 weeks. This weekend will be the first hurdle; hopefully Rick will serve as a buffer between Don's and my raw nerves.
October 8th
More of the same, folks. Tonite, though, we have company -- Rick. Don sure does have some strange brothers and sisters, ya know? Rick is nice enough and all, but he still seems slightly zombie-ish. I feel more comfortable with him these days, though, than I did in high school, so perhaps that's some sort of progress. Don was a busy beaver again this evening -- he brought Rick home, stopped at the cleaners, cashed a check and bought some groceries, made a Chinese dinner, picked up the slides and bathed the dog. He also shopped for a shirt and did some laundry! As for me, I went into work this morning and managed to dump most of the research load on Hilda, the volunteer. Felt kinda guilty but what else could I do?..Must do some thinking about advertising vs. a "humanitarian" field.
October 9th
Back in Balto again, and am I out of it. Treated myself to a Black Russian at The Chesapeake where we had dinner with the Schlengers. It was fun and a much needed pick-me-up. I sure am amazing when I'm drunk! The trip down wasn't too bad, except for the fact that Kerri insisted on lying on top of me for most of the ride. The weather, though, was unbelievable -- a front apparently came through (hopefully breaking up this spate of dreariness we've been having) and rained incredibly hard for awhile, then became the strangest sort of half and half; you could see patches of clear blue and sunshine through black thunderheads and low lying bits of clouds...Mom looks good -- can't wait to see her in her jeans. Jackie looks good too, and a lot taller in her new, short haircut.
October 10th
"Home again, Finnegan" (now where did I get that from?)
Answer: one of Mom's expressions
What a short "vacation". The trip seemed longer and a little less comfortable this time, even though the dog sat on Rick's lap. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, had the 3 of us been able to talk about something together, but Rick's too damn close-mouthed...The luncheon was very nice, and I really enjoyed myself up to the time I had to leave because of the pain. By an amazing coincidence, Sue had called the apt. earlier to get our NJ number, and so she stopped by after we got back. I was kinda out of it from the pain pill, so Mom and Sue did most of the talking. It was real good to see her again, though, and her pics were great...Colts clobbered the Dolphins 28 to 7.
October 11th (Columbus Day)
"I see Ohio, Columbus!"
"No, that's Columbus, Ohio"
And Hi-O to you, too. What a drag this day has been. I really must've overdone it this past weekend, 'cause this morning I couldn't even climb out of bed. The pain pill helped somewhat, but not enough. I ended up mostly sleeping and reading some Rod Serling stories, and got up just once to watch my back-to-back soap operas, "Ryan's Hope" and "All My Children". They were pretty funny today -- Mona discovered the hoax with Kitty's mother, Phoebe threatened to kill herself, Ann doesn't believe that her baby contracted toxoplasmosis, Jack may always be impotent, and Jill is pregnant with Seneca's baby. Too much, huh?..Don made a scrumptious dinner -- barbequed steak, salad, rice and a Black Russian!
October 12th
Back to the doctor's again. This morning it was the optometrist and after a 10 minute examination, he told me that my glasses are a bit too STRONG for me. How 'bout that one! I have to go back sometime soon to pick out new frames from the selection that they have there...The Vega is beginning to show signs of its age -- the pick-up is lousy, the muffler sounds like it has a hole in it, and today the horn got disconnected somehow. As Archie Bunker would say, "Whoopee do",,,Went in to the city tonight for a Hopkins Alumni crabcake dinner at Gallaghers. It turned out to be recruitment-oriented but still was quite classy and made you proud to be there. We spent most of the evening with Cecile Strauss Hanft and her husband (small world). We'll probably get together with them, and do some interviewing of applicants.
October 13th
Had the novel experience today of having my head made into a pin cushion. I went for that 2 1/2 hour appt. with Strum, and boy was he thorough. The EEG was painful, but at least it was nice knowing that I can still meditate properly if I want to. [My brain waves were so even that they thought I had fallen asleep!] Strum prescribed some muscle relaxants and said that I'd probably be feeling better in a week. Only part that bothers me is that blood test tomorrow morning. Yuck...Ford was at Garden State Plaza today. Sure wish that there was someone who I really wanted to vote FOR...Called Mosler about the advertising bit. We're supposed to get together on Saturday...Talked to Dorothy and she suggested that I check into disability before I talk to Aaron about leaving...I still feell confused about baby vs. flu shot. I think we'll try this month, and if no luck, put it off for awhile.
October 14th
What a scream. We just spent the last 45 minutes playing with Kerri on the floor of the bedroom. She's such a character, especially when she rolls the ball with her nose and climbs into that little shoebox...Went for my blood test this morning at 8:30. Enough said? The doctor gave me one of those muscle relaxants which appeared to work well, even if it's only for 2 - 3 hours at a time...May have to miss PT again tomorrow -- Don forgot that he had taken the Vega down to work after my appt. and brought home the Maverick. Swell job there, Don. Guess I'll have to wait until Monday to talk to Aaron, too. But that's probably OK since I want to find out about Unemployment and Disability first...
October 15th
Had dinner over Pete's again tonight and you know, he really IS behaving like a mensch these days. He cooked up a big batch of lasagna, with homemade coleslaw, and after dinner we looked at his slides of Israel. Nice evening...Changed my PT appt. to this afternoon and Don picked me up about 3:00. The weather was lovely and it was a pleasant outing, even though we didn't do all that much. While I was at the doctor's, Don stopped at the bike shop to check into a helmet he's been considering (wish he didn't have to ride around in Weehawken), then we picked up my clothes at the dressmaker's, got some fresh bagels and came home...Still playing around with the heating situation. Alyce claims that it's not an insulating problem, but then why does it get so hot in here? I'm not even sure that talking to Betty will help.
October 18th
Another dull day hits the dust. Let's see, what did my thrilling agenda look like? Oh yes, 9:30 this morning found me at PT, after somehow managing to get lost on the way there. Afterwards I tried to get hold of ol' Bert again, who by some miracle was in (he had just finished another court cas) and I asked him about the relative merits of unemployment insurance vs. disability. Turns out that I don't have to worry at all because PIP takes care of everything, i.e., I get full pay without working! T'ain't much, but for now I kinda like having my cake and eating it, too. So I guess I'll be hangin' round CB for awhile longer...Watched the Monday nite TV lineup, and except for "Maude", I was really disappointed. "Rhoda" stinks this season.
October 19th
And Tuesday comes and goes. Ya know, diary, you must be bored stiff these days. An exciting memoir, this is not...Well, today being Tuesday, Helen was here. Wish I hadn't been brought up to be distrustful of new maids; I even found myself checking around the place after she left. I sure love having the help, but I still don't like having someone else move around my things...First the ants, then the heat, then the car muffler, now the toilet. At least it's simple to fix, but these days it alway seems like it's SOMETHING...TV's beginning to drive me bananas -- babies, babies, babies everywhere. By the way, I'm also disappointed with "Happy Days" this season. It's become "The Fonzie Show" with no hint of the 50's motif...Wish Don knew if he could take the exam before Thanksgiving. Sure would like to have the folks up here.
October 20th
Well, at least I have something to report tonight. Went to cooking class this evening and really enjoyed myself. I was so desperate for some stimulation that I even went out in a really bad rainstorm to get there. The food, of course, was delicious (rock cornish hen with wine and cherry sauce, stuffed cabbage with plum sauce) and the company was nice...Boy am I going stir crazy. I sort-of seem to be improving but it's so hard to tell. I may know more after seeing Strum and Carozza again on Thursday and Friday. Come to think of it, this sure is a strange interlude in my life. With so much time on my hands and feeling in transition like I do, I find myself reminiscing again -- looking at old yearbooks and remembering us as we were then. I think I'm beginning to feel my age.
October 21st
Went to see Strum again this morning; had to wait a whole God-damn hour 'til he was ready for me. That's a weird place, ya know? At least he examined me again, which is more than the orthopedists do. I think I'm finally beginning to improve enough, at least, to be able to do some neck exercises that he gave me. I am beginning to feel funny, though, about being treated by 2 different doctors for the same thing...Came home and felt a little energetic, so I finished re-organizing my resume and left it on Don's desk for him to look over. Didn't get a chance to mention yesterday that Charlie Mosler left me a whole envelope of PR stuff. Sure is nice of him to go to all that trouble. there are only a few firms in the area (I really don't want to go into the city) but that's OK. as they say in the song, "Que sera, sera".
October 23rd
Pretty nice day today, except for one occurence. Don left around 10:15 to spend the day at the stadium, working on his meters. The Schlengers showed up at noon, and the 4 of us went to lunch at Tom Sawyer's. They dropped Jackie and I off here afterwards, and we proceeded to spend a quiet afternoon playing backgammon and watching TV. About 3:30 the doorbell rings and thinking that it was the paperboy, I opened it. And who is standing there but Pedro Fernandez, the guy who hit my car. I was very flustered and invited him in when he said that he needed to get some insurance information. Having just been served notice that he was being sued, he was kinda confused, and I was, too, considering Bert never told me that he was sending him a letter now. I'll have to talk to Bert about it..."Bob Newhart" was funny tonite. How often do you get to laugh out loud at a TV sitcom?
October 24th
Well, I finally exploded tonight. The pent-up feelings from 6 weeks of no physical or intellectual stimulation came forth in a volley of clothes hurled at the bedroom wall. Don and his frustration was the trigger, but it would've had to come out some time or the other. Both of us have been under so much pressure, but as is usually the case, most of the focus has been on Don's problems with coping. Well, I've been keeping it pretty much under wraps, but I've been having my share, too. The only other point I tried to make was that his distractability from his primary goals reminds me of a racehorse without the blinders on. I hope he can work on that.
Once again, I have to wonder how much difference it would have made to know that Don was coping with ADD (and to a certain extent, OCD). It certainly would have helped, but his preoccupation with himself was the factor that finally made it impossible for me to stay with him. That and the wild mood swings from fabulous to furious and the resultant emotional and physical abuse. Such a shame...
Otherwise, it was a drab, rainy day. Don went down to the stadium again, Jackie stayed until 2:00 when her folks picked her up and I made good progress going through old magazines.
October 25th
What a disaster this morning was (wrong date for PT, bump on head, car too hot to check coolant, inability to leave ring to be fixed, etc etc), but this afternoon and evening panned out well. After watching Gloria have her baby, a la prepared childbirth on "All in the Family", I listened to records for about 1 1/2 hours. The music "harmonized with my soul" and helped me to think more clearly than I've thought for weeks. I think that my mind is ready to go to town again, but it's just not sure which town...Stopped in at work, where Linda and Diane made me a very nice offer for the future -- joining their in-the-works private consulting firm. Sounds like great part-time work... I'm getting kind of tired of writing in here; it's just that I don't want to miss any of my pregnancy experience. Ho ho...Don sure was marvelous to me tonight.
Interesting how music has always been so pivotal in my life.
October 26th
Quiet day for the most part. This morning dawned bright and clear (for a change) but also cold and windy -- so windy, in fact, that I thought I'd better not subject my neck to the out-of-doors. It was probably a good decision, but these days it doesn't take much to keep me away from work...Helen came and did her usual quiet, fairly thorough job. It was nice having the company. I straightened up the bedroom and did some desk work in the morning and then relaxed in front of the tube in the afternoon. Don called, and it seems that we're going to have problems scheduling things in late November and early December. (Where the hell is fall going already?) What with his exam and seminar, Thanksgiving and the folks coming up, it's gonna take some work.
October 27th
Back to cooking class tonite -- what an experience that place is. This week's menu consisted of hula chicken, rice and almond pastries. The pastries were out of this world. I was able to do a little peeling and dicing this time, which made me feel good. Out of everyone (Nora, Abe, the Coopers, Fred, Lee, Rose and Bill), Bill has been the most considerate of my condition and I really appreciate that...It finally dawned on me that although I'm beginning to improve physically, mentally I'm not doing so hot. I know that lately I've been very nervous and cry easily, but now I'm noticing things like nightime teeth-grinding and insomnia. While it's obvious that I'm uptight with good reason these days, it bothers me that I'm not in direct touch with these feelings. Bert said to see Strum about a therapist recommendation.
This was the first time that I realized what was happening to me emotionally, but it was later confirmed by the therapist that depression is a very common symptom in the PTSD from whiplash.
October 28th
Didn't feel too well today, probably because of my period coming on. Which, of course, contributes to the general depression. It really is too much at once -- the pain, the doctors' visits, career transition, Don's exam, not becoming pregnant -- even the Presidential election gets me down. I'll be damned if I know who to vote for, and Nov. 2nd is just a few days away now. Bleech...One nice thing -- went out to lunch at El Cid with Anna, Elinor and Jo (the volunteer). It was a pleasant interlude, but God, I've gotta get out of that place. Wish I felt better already. Now I don't have even a temporary desk, and I just don't have the gazuzis to fight it any more...Record album arrives tomorrow. I could've had it today, but I didn't think I had enough money for the mailman. Dummy.
October 31st (Halloween)
Just watched a powerful 3 hours of "Life Goes to the Movies" and it really has left me with some strange feelings. On the one hand, I could watch forever scenes of young starlets arriving in Hollywood and making screen tests, and of actors and actresses attending lavish parties, but all that stuff happened before I was born. And the movies of my era, the 60's and 70's, are so violent that it's hard some times to appreciate their artistic qualities. I guess that I'm just a romantic at heart, and always will be...Today was a kind of depressing Sunday, especially for Halloween. It was damp and dreary for the most part, with Don studying away, and me being bored to tears until the paper arrived. In it I found an ad for what looks like a good PR position, so I spent the rest of the day finishing up my resume and a cover letter to send off.
Just saw a real cute movie, "Paper Moon" on TV. It was a good nite to see it, since Don's out at the company banquet and I would have been depressed otherwise. He looked terrific in his new suit. I'm looking forward to feeling better and getting myself some new duds.
Borrowed the August issue of "Seventeen" from work, and though just about everything in it has changed, it still brings back memories. As I was telling Don, however, high school is beginning to seem as far away as Campfield and ol' Forest Garbage. I wonder why my memories appear to be som much more vivid in the fall than at any other time...My neck still bothered me more than usual today, and the therapist attributed it to the weather. Great, just what I wanted to be -- a barometer. I need to get started on that oil research in earnest. I'm beginning to feel guilty.
October 2nd
We just spent an interesting evening at Barbara's place, way out in Wanaque. And once again, the word is "strange". The house, itself, is kinda neat, all set back like it is in the woods. I especially like the garden, the quiet and the little puppies romping about. And of course, watching the fire glow in the darkness while listening to John Denver was just fantastic. But I don't know how she can live with those weirdos. I'm not sure that Barb knows, herself, and it will probably take some time before she decides if her "cabin in the wilderness" is worth all the mishegoss...Went shopping at Bloomingdale's this morning. That place is beautiful, but depressing. So many, many things that we'd like to have...Right now we just discovered that the heat seems to be busted and Don's fit to be tied.
October 3rd
Another day of crappo weather (4th in a row). On top of that it was freezing in here, so I didn't do all that much, 'cept curl up with a few old magazines. Don was cranky, with good reason I guess, but it seems inevitable that he gets this way when he's forced to spend too much time indoors. Pete saved the day by inviting us to dinner; I didn't feel like going out at first, but I'm glad he talked me into it. He made us Pina Coladas and 2 wok dishes and we both really unwound. Pete can be a real mensch when he wants to be. It was kind of weird, seeing John's old room again, but last June seems far away...Saw the rest of "Earthquake" -- dumb. "The Way We Were" was dumb, too, but oh, that Robert Redford.
October 4th
Today was Yom Kippur and it really felt odd not to be fasting. In fact, I went through a whole guilt trip, but decided that I'd better take the pills and therefore needed to eat. So, 2 years in a row the High Holidays kinda passed us by, and I regret it. I want it to be like in the old days again -- walking to B'Nai Jacob, our afternoon dinner with Nana and Papa after services, etc. Those were the days...The man came and fixed the oil burner. Thank goodness for that. Now what else will go wrong?..The volunteer stopped by this morning with one of her 3 year old twins in tow, to get briefed on the research. I could hardly concentrate, since the kid kept kicking one of the dining room chairs, but I think we've got it all set up...Talked to the folks -- Mom bought some jeans (!) and is giving me the blouse set to go with the black pants!..Dad's gonna be a lion tamer at the Chatham Club Circus party!
October 5th
It's that old "feeling strange" time again. Went to see the lawyer, Bert Siegel, today, and I feel as though we're entering the twilight zone. He believes that winning the case is a foregone conclusion -- it's just a matter of how much the payoff will be. Meanwhile, I have to see a neurologist to have my head examined (a 2 1/2 hour appt.!) Now that the pain seems to be increasing again, instead of decreasing, I'm getting into this state where I can't believe this is happening to me. It's so goddamn true that you take your health for granted...The only serious problem on the horizon right now appears to be the difficulty I'm having getting the research study done. But I'm now beginning to think about my job in larger terms, and the possibility of leaving mental health altogether for something like advertising or public relations. Surprised? More later.
October 6th
Well, I'm sitting here next to Floyd, my new, smiling, stuffed frog and thinking, "Oh shit". Don has been so wonderful that I feel guilty being depressed. Once again he went to cooking class for me, tried to get my prescription filled, and bought me Floyd and a giant lollipop...Went to the doctor's today. Saw Juliano 'cause Carrozza 'cause wasn't in. They took x-rays, prescribed Tylenol #3 and ordered 2 more weeks of PT, this time with wet heat. If that doesn't work, next comes traction... I have doctor's appointments coming out of my ears these days -- orthopedist, neurologist, dentist, optometrist. Jeesh...Barb ain't coming with us this weekend, but Rick S. is. He'll be arriving by bus from Boston Friday afternoon. Hope I make it through the trip down, ya know?
October 7th
Life certainly has its ups and downs, doesn't it? The end of August and the beginning of September was so nice, and now this. I'm beginning to think that maybe even $5000 won't cover it all. The pain was really bad today, the worst it's been so far. Alyce picked up my prescription for me and that helped somewhat, but I still couldn't get out of bed this morning, and therefore couldn't go to work. If it weren't for the market research and client questionnaire, I'd ask to be fired and collect unemployment right now, but I guess that'll have to wait. I'm just so fed up with the whole thing. I don't have the energy to see it all though, but somehow I've got to pull myself together enough with what's coming down the pike in the next 2 weeks. This weekend will be the first hurdle; hopefully Rick will serve as a buffer between Don's and my raw nerves.
October 8th
More of the same, folks. Tonite, though, we have company -- Rick. Don sure does have some strange brothers and sisters, ya know? Rick is nice enough and all, but he still seems slightly zombie-ish. I feel more comfortable with him these days, though, than I did in high school, so perhaps that's some sort of progress. Don was a busy beaver again this evening -- he brought Rick home, stopped at the cleaners, cashed a check and bought some groceries, made a Chinese dinner, picked up the slides and bathed the dog. He also shopped for a shirt and did some laundry! As for me, I went into work this morning and managed to dump most of the research load on Hilda, the volunteer. Felt kinda guilty but what else could I do?..Must do some thinking about advertising vs. a "humanitarian" field.
October 9th
Back in Balto again, and am I out of it. Treated myself to a Black Russian at The Chesapeake where we had dinner with the Schlengers. It was fun and a much needed pick-me-up. I sure am amazing when I'm drunk! The trip down wasn't too bad, except for the fact that Kerri insisted on lying on top of me for most of the ride. The weather, though, was unbelievable -- a front apparently came through (hopefully breaking up this spate of dreariness we've been having) and rained incredibly hard for awhile, then became the strangest sort of half and half; you could see patches of clear blue and sunshine through black thunderheads and low lying bits of clouds...Mom looks good -- can't wait to see her in her jeans. Jackie looks good too, and a lot taller in her new, short haircut.
October 10th
"Home again, Finnegan" (now where did I get that from?)
Answer: one of Mom's expressions
What a short "vacation". The trip seemed longer and a little less comfortable this time, even though the dog sat on Rick's lap. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, had the 3 of us been able to talk about something together, but Rick's too damn close-mouthed...The luncheon was very nice, and I really enjoyed myself up to the time I had to leave because of the pain. By an amazing coincidence, Sue had called the apt. earlier to get our NJ number, and so she stopped by after we got back. I was kinda out of it from the pain pill, so Mom and Sue did most of the talking. It was real good to see her again, though, and her pics were great...Colts clobbered the Dolphins 28 to 7.
October 11th (Columbus Day)
"I see Ohio, Columbus!"
"No, that's Columbus, Ohio"
And Hi-O to you, too. What a drag this day has been. I really must've overdone it this past weekend, 'cause this morning I couldn't even climb out of bed. The pain pill helped somewhat, but not enough. I ended up mostly sleeping and reading some Rod Serling stories, and got up just once to watch my back-to-back soap operas, "Ryan's Hope" and "All My Children". They were pretty funny today -- Mona discovered the hoax with Kitty's mother, Phoebe threatened to kill herself, Ann doesn't believe that her baby contracted toxoplasmosis, Jack may always be impotent, and Jill is pregnant with Seneca's baby. Too much, huh?..Don made a scrumptious dinner -- barbequed steak, salad, rice and a Black Russian!
October 12th
Back to the doctor's again. This morning it was the optometrist and after a 10 minute examination, he told me that my glasses are a bit too STRONG for me. How 'bout that one! I have to go back sometime soon to pick out new frames from the selection that they have there...The Vega is beginning to show signs of its age -- the pick-up is lousy, the muffler sounds like it has a hole in it, and today the horn got disconnected somehow. As Archie Bunker would say, "Whoopee do",,,Went in to the city tonight for a Hopkins Alumni crabcake dinner at Gallaghers. It turned out to be recruitment-oriented but still was quite classy and made you proud to be there. We spent most of the evening with Cecile Strauss Hanft and her husband (small world). We'll probably get together with them, and do some interviewing of applicants.
October 13th
Had the novel experience today of having my head made into a pin cushion. I went for that 2 1/2 hour appt. with Strum, and boy was he thorough. The EEG was painful, but at least it was nice knowing that I can still meditate properly if I want to. [My brain waves were so even that they thought I had fallen asleep!] Strum prescribed some muscle relaxants and said that I'd probably be feeling better in a week. Only part that bothers me is that blood test tomorrow morning. Yuck...Ford was at Garden State Plaza today. Sure wish that there was someone who I really wanted to vote FOR...Called Mosler about the advertising bit. We're supposed to get together on Saturday...Talked to Dorothy and she suggested that I check into disability before I talk to Aaron about leaving...I still feell confused about baby vs. flu shot. I think we'll try this month, and if no luck, put it off for awhile.
October 14th
What a scream. We just spent the last 45 minutes playing with Kerri on the floor of the bedroom. She's such a character, especially when she rolls the ball with her nose and climbs into that little shoebox...Went for my blood test this morning at 8:30. Enough said? The doctor gave me one of those muscle relaxants which appeared to work well, even if it's only for 2 - 3 hours at a time...May have to miss PT again tomorrow -- Don forgot that he had taken the Vega down to work after my appt. and brought home the Maverick. Swell job there, Don. Guess I'll have to wait until Monday to talk to Aaron, too. But that's probably OK since I want to find out about Unemployment and Disability first...
October 15th
Had dinner over Pete's again tonight and you know, he really IS behaving like a mensch these days. He cooked up a big batch of lasagna, with homemade coleslaw, and after dinner we looked at his slides of Israel. Nice evening...Changed my PT appt. to this afternoon and Don picked me up about 3:00. The weather was lovely and it was a pleasant outing, even though we didn't do all that much. While I was at the doctor's, Don stopped at the bike shop to check into a helmet he's been considering (wish he didn't have to ride around in Weehawken), then we picked up my clothes at the dressmaker's, got some fresh bagels and came home...Still playing around with the heating situation. Alyce claims that it's not an insulating problem, but then why does it get so hot in here? I'm not even sure that talking to Betty will help.
October 18th
Another dull day hits the dust. Let's see, what did my thrilling agenda look like? Oh yes, 9:30 this morning found me at PT, after somehow managing to get lost on the way there. Afterwards I tried to get hold of ol' Bert again, who by some miracle was in (he had just finished another court cas) and I asked him about the relative merits of unemployment insurance vs. disability. Turns out that I don't have to worry at all because PIP takes care of everything, i.e., I get full pay without working! T'ain't much, but for now I kinda like having my cake and eating it, too. So I guess I'll be hangin' round CB for awhile longer...Watched the Monday nite TV lineup, and except for "Maude", I was really disappointed. "Rhoda" stinks this season.
October 19th
And Tuesday comes and goes. Ya know, diary, you must be bored stiff these days. An exciting memoir, this is not...Well, today being Tuesday, Helen was here. Wish I hadn't been brought up to be distrustful of new maids; I even found myself checking around the place after she left. I sure love having the help, but I still don't like having someone else move around my things...First the ants, then the heat, then the car muffler, now the toilet. At least it's simple to fix, but these days it alway seems like it's SOMETHING...TV's beginning to drive me bananas -- babies, babies, babies everywhere. By the way, I'm also disappointed with "Happy Days" this season. It's become "The Fonzie Show" with no hint of the 50's motif...Wish Don knew if he could take the exam before Thanksgiving. Sure would like to have the folks up here.
October 20th
Well, at least I have something to report tonight. Went to cooking class this evening and really enjoyed myself. I was so desperate for some stimulation that I even went out in a really bad rainstorm to get there. The food, of course, was delicious (rock cornish hen with wine and cherry sauce, stuffed cabbage with plum sauce) and the company was nice...Boy am I going stir crazy. I sort-of seem to be improving but it's so hard to tell. I may know more after seeing Strum and Carozza again on Thursday and Friday. Come to think of it, this sure is a strange interlude in my life. With so much time on my hands and feeling in transition like I do, I find myself reminiscing again -- looking at old yearbooks and remembering us as we were then. I think I'm beginning to feel my age.
October 21st
Went to see Strum again this morning; had to wait a whole God-damn hour 'til he was ready for me. That's a weird place, ya know? At least he examined me again, which is more than the orthopedists do. I think I'm finally beginning to improve enough, at least, to be able to do some neck exercises that he gave me. I am beginning to feel funny, though, about being treated by 2 different doctors for the same thing...Came home and felt a little energetic, so I finished re-organizing my resume and left it on Don's desk for him to look over. Didn't get a chance to mention yesterday that Charlie Mosler left me a whole envelope of PR stuff. Sure is nice of him to go to all that trouble. there are only a few firms in the area (I really don't want to go into the city) but that's OK. as they say in the song, "Que sera, sera".
October 23rd
Pretty nice day today, except for one occurence. Don left around 10:15 to spend the day at the stadium, working on his meters. The Schlengers showed up at noon, and the 4 of us went to lunch at Tom Sawyer's. They dropped Jackie and I off here afterwards, and we proceeded to spend a quiet afternoon playing backgammon and watching TV. About 3:30 the doorbell rings and thinking that it was the paperboy, I opened it. And who is standing there but Pedro Fernandez, the guy who hit my car. I was very flustered and invited him in when he said that he needed to get some insurance information. Having just been served notice that he was being sued, he was kinda confused, and I was, too, considering Bert never told me that he was sending him a letter now. I'll have to talk to Bert about it..."Bob Newhart" was funny tonite. How often do you get to laugh out loud at a TV sitcom?
October 24th
Well, I finally exploded tonight. The pent-up feelings from 6 weeks of no physical or intellectual stimulation came forth in a volley of clothes hurled at the bedroom wall. Don and his frustration was the trigger, but it would've had to come out some time or the other. Both of us have been under so much pressure, but as is usually the case, most of the focus has been on Don's problems with coping. Well, I've been keeping it pretty much under wraps, but I've been having my share, too. The only other point I tried to make was that his distractability from his primary goals reminds me of a racehorse without the blinders on. I hope he can work on that.
Once again, I have to wonder how much difference it would have made to know that Don was coping with ADD (and to a certain extent, OCD). It certainly would have helped, but his preoccupation with himself was the factor that finally made it impossible for me to stay with him. That and the wild mood swings from fabulous to furious and the resultant emotional and physical abuse. Such a shame...
Otherwise, it was a drab, rainy day. Don went down to the stadium again, Jackie stayed until 2:00 when her folks picked her up and I made good progress going through old magazines.
October 25th
What a disaster this morning was (wrong date for PT, bump on head, car too hot to check coolant, inability to leave ring to be fixed, etc etc), but this afternoon and evening panned out well. After watching Gloria have her baby, a la prepared childbirth on "All in the Family", I listened to records for about 1 1/2 hours. The music "harmonized with my soul" and helped me to think more clearly than I've thought for weeks. I think that my mind is ready to go to town again, but it's just not sure which town...Stopped in at work, where Linda and Diane made me a very nice offer for the future -- joining their in-the-works private consulting firm. Sounds like great part-time work... I'm getting kind of tired of writing in here; it's just that I don't want to miss any of my pregnancy experience. Ho ho...Don sure was marvelous to me tonight.
Interesting how music has always been so pivotal in my life.
October 26th
Quiet day for the most part. This morning dawned bright and clear (for a change) but also cold and windy -- so windy, in fact, that I thought I'd better not subject my neck to the out-of-doors. It was probably a good decision, but these days it doesn't take much to keep me away from work...Helen came and did her usual quiet, fairly thorough job. It was nice having the company. I straightened up the bedroom and did some desk work in the morning and then relaxed in front of the tube in the afternoon. Don called, and it seems that we're going to have problems scheduling things in late November and early December. (Where the hell is fall going already?) What with his exam and seminar, Thanksgiving and the folks coming up, it's gonna take some work.
October 27th
Back to cooking class tonite -- what an experience that place is. This week's menu consisted of hula chicken, rice and almond pastries. The pastries were out of this world. I was able to do a little peeling and dicing this time, which made me feel good. Out of everyone (Nora, Abe, the Coopers, Fred, Lee, Rose and Bill), Bill has been the most considerate of my condition and I really appreciate that...It finally dawned on me that although I'm beginning to improve physically, mentally I'm not doing so hot. I know that lately I've been very nervous and cry easily, but now I'm noticing things like nightime teeth-grinding and insomnia. While it's obvious that I'm uptight with good reason these days, it bothers me that I'm not in direct touch with these feelings. Bert said to see Strum about a therapist recommendation.
This was the first time that I realized what was happening to me emotionally, but it was later confirmed by the therapist that depression is a very common symptom in the PTSD from whiplash.
October 28th
Didn't feel too well today, probably because of my period coming on. Which, of course, contributes to the general depression. It really is too much at once -- the pain, the doctors' visits, career transition, Don's exam, not becoming pregnant -- even the Presidential election gets me down. I'll be damned if I know who to vote for, and Nov. 2nd is just a few days away now. Bleech...One nice thing -- went out to lunch at El Cid with Anna, Elinor and Jo (the volunteer). It was a pleasant interlude, but God, I've gotta get out of that place. Wish I felt better already. Now I don't have even a temporary desk, and I just don't have the gazuzis to fight it any more...Record album arrives tomorrow. I could've had it today, but I didn't think I had enough money for the mailman. Dummy.
October 31st (Halloween)
Just watched a powerful 3 hours of "Life Goes to the Movies" and it really has left me with some strange feelings. On the one hand, I could watch forever scenes of young starlets arriving in Hollywood and making screen tests, and of actors and actresses attending lavish parties, but all that stuff happened before I was born. And the movies of my era, the 60's and 70's, are so violent that it's hard some times to appreciate their artistic qualities. I guess that I'm just a romantic at heart, and always will be...Today was a kind of depressing Sunday, especially for Halloween. It was damp and dreary for the most part, with Don studying away, and me being bored to tears until the paper arrived. In it I found an ad for what looks like a good PR position, so I spent the rest of the day finishing up my resume and a cover letter to send off.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)